The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years
by Esme Mom Cullen
Summary: "It's you." Esme opens her eyes to a new life, and the man who has haunted her dreams for a decade. Follow her tale as she discovers herself, gains an unconventional family, and lives a love story that rivals the classics.
1. Awakening

"Esme, open your eyes," I felt a hand wrapped around mine from the source of a musical and still familiar voice. Was it the same voice I heard in the dark before?

I opened my eyes to stunning vision. I was looking straight up at a ceiling but I could see every detail – every bump in the plaster and every facet of light coming from the overhead lamp. It was incredible. It was like my eyes were now microscopes. Had I been given entry into heaven? I wasn't expecting it to have a ceiling.

I remembered then the fingers entwined in mine and the voices.

I went to sit up. I looked toward my hand and followed the arm up to the face.

I gasped as the most handsome face came into view, a face so beautiful that I hadn't forgotten it for ten years, a face that my memory hadn't begun to do justice. I went to speak the only thing that came to mind, but a voice that I didn't recognize spoke instead - "It's you."

My mind seemed to be awakened. I felt like I was taking in too much – thinking too fast. I must be dead. This had to be heaven. He must have died too. He hadn't changed at all. I barely remembered a daydream about him growing old with his wife and children but he must have perished not long after he left Columbus.

"You remember me?"

I nodded, "Doctor Cullen." What was wrong with my voice? I felt my mouth moving, my lips pronouncing his name, but it was too fast and it didn't sound like me.

His other hand rested on top of mine and I felt not just his touch but his skin and every facet of it. Was this the enlightenment of heaven? Every sense enhanced so completely?

"Miss Platt?" My eyes had wandered back to his hand but now returned to his face. I felt the urge to touch it, to see if he was real but I held back. I took in every fine line and detail – the curve of his eyebrows and every hair that they were made of, his cheekbones, the tip of his nose, his eyelashes and those eyes, butterscotch like I remembered, that looked so concerned. "Although I noticed the ring so I know Miss Platt is incorrect."

"Esme, please call me Esme." I felt parched as I spoke. I was incredibly thirsty.

"Esme, I'm Carlisle Cullen."

"That's what the C stands for." I said to myself more than I said it to him. His expression changed from concerned to slightly amused. "Yes and this is Edward."

The other voice. I looked at the beautiful young bronze haired man standing back several feet, his eyes filled with the concern that had been on Carlisle's face a moment before.

I heard a crack as I threw my arms around him. I didn't know how I had gotten to him so fast but he was here. I wasn't expecting him grown but he was here. My chest was sobbing but something about it felt hollow, like air moving but not breathing. I felt nothing falling from my eyes as I buried my face in his shoulder. I was in heaven. Edward was in my arms again. I held him tightly and I heard a noise, was it a wail erupting from me? One of his hands was pressed to my back while the other brushed over my hair. He shushed me gently, soothing me as I cried. I was with him. God had forgiven me. Finally he gently spoke, "I'm sorry Esme but I'm not who you think I am."

He only knew me as mama and Anne. He was confused. He was my son.

"I'm not confused. My name is Edward but I'm not your son." He let me go and pulled back slightly, lifting my chin to look in his eyes, eyes that were the same hue as Carlisle's. "You're not in heaven."

The pain of those two statements felt like a hole punched through my chest. If he wasn't my Edward and this wasn't heaven, "Where am I then?" What was going on? Was I still alive? Why was my throat on fire?

"She's thirsty." Edward said over my shoulder to Carlisle.

"Of course she is," Carlisle spoke quickly. I could hear tension in his words. "Are you alright?"

"I'll heal."

"Esme," my head whipped around, almost throwing me off balance. What was wrong with me? Was I sick? Was that why my throat enflamed? I looked at the doctor for answers. Maybe he was really my doctor but how could that be? He hadn't aged. "Esme, I know you are confused and I know your throat is burning. I will explain everything."

"Am I sick?" My words again coming out so quickly that it sounded like one syllable but Carlisle understood.

"No, you have been changed."

"Changed?" What does he mean, changed?

"You were near death when some men found you and brought you to the hospital in Ashland. I received you." His voice was so calming but forthright.

I couldn't get past the question that was truly nagging me, "How come you haven't aged?"

He stumbled for a moment and looked toward Edward. I glanced at him too but his eyes were set on Carlisle's. "Don't look at me. Talk to her."

"I haven't aged in a long time. Esme as soon as I saw you I remembered treating you nearly ten years ago, August 1911. You were so spirited, so happy. I don't know how you ended up in the bottom of that cliff and there will be time for that later. Your injuries were fatal but I was able to save you."

"If they were fatal…" my voice trailed off. Where was I? What does he mean that he hasn't aged?

"You are still on earth. I haven't changed because I'm immortal. I'm a vampire and I did what I had to do to save you."

Again my mind was moving at an excessive pace. If he was a vampire and saved me…I looked toward Edward. He nodded. I reached into my memories trying to think of references of vampires but it was like trying to find a penny at the bottom of a in a murky lake. My mind while so clear, my memories seemed so distant. I remembered there was a poem…Rudyard Kipling…I couldn't wrap my mind around the words. I kept searching…Jonathan Harker…Mina…Count Dracula.

"She's read Stoker."

"How did you know-"

"Edward has a gift," Carlisle interrupted. "He can see your thoughts."

"Is he a vampire too?" I heard skepticism in my tone, but Carlisle ignored it.

"Yes, I changed him as well."

"Changed me?" I looked down. I was wearing a white nightgown I didn't recognize. My hands looked different. I lifted them to examine them. My nails looked perfect. My skin color had changed. It was pale, almost white compared to the tan I usually wore.

I shook my head. This couldn't be real. "It's a story! A work of fiction. Vampires don't exist."

"I assure you we do." He never wavered as he spoke.

I was choking on my own throat. "Please can I have some water?"

"Water won't help," Edward said. Did he just snicker?

"Esme," Carlisle said, pulling my focus away from Edward. "I will explain everything to you. I promise. **B**ut your thirst is going to become unbearable, make you uncontrollable if we don't get you fed."

"But if what you say is true…" Lines of the story ran through my mind, the wives attacking Harker, the death of Lucy…

Edward was on my other side taking my other hand. How did he move so fast? "Yes we drink blood."

"But you are not going to hurt a human being," Carlisle tried reassuring me. "We, Edward and I, do things differently. We drink the blood of animals not humans. We hunt animals."

I felt weak, yet so strong at the same time but all my strength seemed to be coming from the fire that was spreading from my throat to my chest. Was the fire coming back?

"Carlisle, she is losing it."

Carlisle's hands clamped on my cheeks, I was staring into the depths of those incredible eyes. "Esme, trust me."

I swallowed but it didn't give me any relief. I realized then that I wasn't breathing…for how long had I not been breathing? I searched his eyes and saw concern and compassion and the need to help me. I nodded, "Help me."

He pulled me to my feet and was leading me out the door of the room I was in and into the hallway. I still didn't know where I was but it seemed to be a house.

"This is where Carlisle and I live," said Edward on my heels answering my unspoken question as we went down a staircase. "Are we taking her out to hunt in a nightgown?"

"Do you think we have time to change her?" He asked as we approached the front door.

"Well nothing is going to fit her right so… Something you didn't think about." Again, I heard a bit of bitterness in Edward's voice. It was more distinguishable this time. Carlisle gave Edward a reproachful look and opened the front door.

I stopped walking and looked between the two faces staring at me. I felt embarrassed. It was dark. I had no idea what time it was. Edward sighed, and went to a nearby closet, "She can ruin my coat."

"Just stand still." He said as he approached me holding open the jacket.

He was slipping it onto me a tenth of a second later. I reassured him, "I'll take good care of it."

Edward laughed and smiled at me as he rolled up the sleeves and buttoned the front, "Oh no you won't but it's alright." I felt like a little kid.

"What about my feet?" I asked as I felt air passing over the top of them.

"Your feet will be fine," Edward stated. I felt agitated and I could feel my agitation increasing. "We have to go." He looked like a thought just popped in his head. "Back door."

Carlisle slammed the front door closed and they were again leading me back through the house on the first floor this time, through a kitchen and out a rear door.

"Esme, if you haven't noticed yet, we can move faster than humans." I had noticed but since nothing seemed real, any clarification Carlisle made would have helped my sanity at that moment.

I felt something slide against my hand and next thing I knew I had Edward pinned- no, Edward had me pinned – no, I had Edward pinned on the ground.

"I am sorry. Esme, focus. Let me up." I heard Edward say it but I couldn't focus on it. There were so many noises and so many scents and the air, I could see it.

"Esme, please get off of Edward," I heard Carlisle demand, an authoritative tone now reigning in his voice I scrambled to my feet as Edward gracefully got to his.

"Was I this bad?" I heard Edward murmur as he brushed himself off.

"Worse. Esme! Stop!"

I heard the words but I felt like something had latched onto my throat and was reeling me in like a fish on a hook. I had no control over my feet. They were projecting me forward and I couldn't stop. It didn't smell great but I knew whatever it was it smelled of relief. If it could make the burning go away, I would go to it. I could hear them in the distance behind me, and that only made me move faster. Whatever it was, I was getting to it first.

I was getting closer and then there it was – large, dark, lumbering, and loud. I could feel its heat. I could hear its large heart pounding, blood pulsing through its veins.

Everything moved so fast, faster than I could keep up with what I was doing. I had leapt through the air letting out a noise that I can only describe as animalistic. I was on top of it. I was clawing at it. Ripping at it. Pulling. Trying to get what I needed. What did I need? What was I doing? And then it came to me. Through the fur, through the flesh, my teeth were embedded into it and relief hit the back of my throat. It was falling, collapsing beneath me, onto me. My hand hit the ground as it fell and I pushed off the dirt, shifting it up and away, onto its other side. Too soon there was nothing left. I felt relieved but like I needed more. I sat back. My eyes focusing for the first time before I started running. I looked down at what I was sitting on, what I had just…attacked. The clarity was almost clearer than I wanted. It was a bear - a very large black bear that I apparently just attacked, killed and drained of its blood…I drained it of its blood…I am a vampire. I shivered.

A twig snapped behind me. I flew around off the dead animal ready to attack again but instead came face to face with the two men I had forgotten completely about.

Edward had a bit of a smirk on his face that he was trying to conceal but was completely failing. Carlisle on the other hand looked like he didn't know what to think. Edward hit him on the shoulder, "Look at it this way Carlisle, she's a natural."

"Luckily there were no humans close enough and there was a large enough predator to distract her."

I felt my throat still. While not as bad as before it still burned.

"She's not done yet," Edward spoke up approaching me cautiously. No it wasn't me he was approaching, it was "I'll dispose of this Carlisle. Help her."

I relaxed from my attack stance as Carlisle slowly approached me, hands up in the air. Even in the dark, I could see him so clearly. "Esme, you need to drink more."

And I knew he was right. I needed more, but how much more? What would it take to make this ache go away? I just killed a bear!

"She's a bit out of sorts Carlisle," Edward said behind me.

"Stop talking for me!" I screamed, my hand immediately flying to my mouth, my mind filled with remorse. "I'm sorry." I whispered.

"It's alright Esme. You are seeing and feeling so much right now. You are overwhelmed. Edward and I are going to help you adjust to your new life."

My new life. I had not forgotten this man's face from my one experience with him a decade ago. I had wondered about where he was. He appeared in my dreams. There seemed now like there was a reason for all of it. Was it leading me here? Trust him.

I reached my hand out to him and he took it. "Edward, catch up when you're done."

We started walking deeper into the forest in silence. It was so quiet and yet so loud at the same time. I could hear the air move in between the branches and rub up against the leaves. I could hear the rustle of gnats' wings, crickets rubbing their wings together to create their chirping noise, and our feet moving over the dirt and the leaves and the twigs even though we barely touched the ground.

"How did I do that?" I finally asked gesturing back behind me.

"It is your instinct. You caught the scent and your thirst made you go after it."

"I had no control at all."

"That will change with time but when we hunt we give ourselves over to our senses. We let them lead us to our prey."

"But I think I'm the same size I was before so how did I kill a bear?"

"Everything about you has been enhanced – you are stronger and faster beyond the ability of any human or animal and at the moment, your abilities are great than either of ours."

"Why-"

A scent filled my nostrils again. It wasn't as enticing as the bear but it would do.

He must have smelled it too. "It's a herd of deer. It's about two miles out."

"I need it." My voice was something between a whine and a growl.

"I know." We were running and as we got closer, the scent getting stronger, I felt myself moving faster. I let go of his hand as I felt it slipping from mine - he could no longer keep up with me.

I was tackling a buck, grabbing the nubs that would have been antlers, rolling over with it, and finally heard a snap as I dug my teeth in its neck. I heard noise behind me and recognized the scents now mixed with the herd. Edward had caught up.

I finished the animal in my arms and turned toward them. Even in my haze I had to acknowledge that the gentlemen each had another deer waiting for me.

As I finished the second one, I realized that I couldn't possibly fit any more liquid inside of me but my throat was still aching – it wasn't as harsh as it had been but it wasn't normal…although what was normal in any of this? I was on the ground in the middle of the night with a deer I had just drained of its blood next to me. The word normal had no meaning at the moment.

"She's done for now." I threw my head back to look up at Edward. I guessed I would have to get use to him being in my head, and as he heard that thought, "Esme, it is for your own good right now. Being able to know what you are thinking will help us stop you from doing something you would regret."

I didn't understand it but I knew eventually I would. He nodded down at me in a silent reply.

I was on my feet so fast that I almost lost my balance. I had decided to stand up and was on them before I completed the thought. Carlisle caught my elbow. "Thank you," noticing again the difference in my voice.

"You're welcome."

My eyes finally took in the scene in front of me – three limp dead deer and then I looked down as I thought of the attacks and the dirt and the blood. Edward had been right about his coat. The fabric that had covered my body, the strange nightgown and the oversized coat were dramatically ripped exposing more of my flesh than I was comfortable with, covered with mud, and blood stained. Self-conscious, I went to pull the coat tighter around me but was confused by the sound of more fabric ripping.

"Esme stop!" Carlisle had grabbed my wrists. I could hear Edward snickering. I must have radiated my confusion enough, "Remember what I said about being strong. What seems like a light touch to you right now is in fact very destructive. Pulling on a piece of fabric for you would be like pulling on one piece of tissue to a human."

I had ripped the coat in half in the back. I whimpered, "I'm sorry Edward."

"I told you it was alright."

"Esme," my head whipped back again. I needed to get better at controlling the speed of my neck. Carlisle spoke, "There is a lot to discuss but we need to get some information from you because I'm sure someone is missing you by now." His finger slid over the fake ban on my left ring finger.

" I'm a - was a - teacher out by Cherryville Road. There's a one-room schoolhouse there. I lived in the adjacent quarters."

"And your husband?"

What do I tell him? Oh shoot, Edward can hear my thoughts anyway – "He's in Columbus, Ohio. The people here think I am a widow and my name is Anne Barstow."

"Barstow? Your grandmother?"

"You remember that?"

"We don't forget anything. You just had a child?"

"Yes," I whispered now. He seemed so far away, my Edward. "He lived a week."

"Is that why you went off the cliff?"

I nodded as a flood of memories of my week of joy and pain came to the surface. They seemed murky but they were there. I gasped at them and I heard Edward do so as well. I looked over at him and saw my own pain reflecting back at me. A millisecond later he was embracing me. "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"I'll go." Edward resolved to Carlisle.

"Go where?" I asked. I didn't want him to leave me now that I knew he understood my pain.

"Esme, I am going to make it look like you left of your own accord."

"It will be easier for those you are leaving behind," Carlisle said. I could hear he was trying to sooth me.

"I'll pack up your things and bring them here. I'll leave a note from you that the memories of your baby made it too difficult to stay. That you are going to stay with a cousin and it was too hard to face everyone to say good bye."

I objected. "They know my hand writing. I'm the town's teacher."

"Edward is a gifted forger." Carlisle said, trying to calm my fear.

"Oh…well please thank everyone, especially Ida."

"Especially Ida." He had seen everything.

"Be cautious Edward." Carlisle said.

"I'll clean this up," Edward gesturing to the corpses, "and then get going. I'll be as fast as I can."

"Fast but careful. I'll get her home."

There was a silent break as Carlisle directed me into the woods back toward their house. I could smell them both in the air. I was sure in that moment that I could find my way back on my own but I let him guide me.

I was still in awe of the night but Carlisle interrupted my revelry. "When we get back, we'll get you cleaned up. We are leaving Ashland as soon as possible."

"Why?"

"Well my dear, tonight you attacked a bear because there was nothing else out here. You didn't smell what you truly crave."

"Which is?" I asked although I already knew the answer. After all, even in the world of fiction that had just become my reality, I couldn't imagine the true nature of vampires wasn't true.

"Human blood." He stated it as a matter of fact.

"But you are a doctor!" The irony of the situation suddenly came over me.

"That took many years," Carlisle assured me.

"Were you human when you treated me?"

"No."

Of course he wasn't. He said they didn't forget anything and he remembered my name – he remembered me.

My head was swimming with a million questions but at the same time it was so clear. What had happened to my brain?

"What are you thinking?" He asked. I looked over at his face to find him studying mine. He wasn't watching where he was going at all but he was avoiding every obstacle ahead of him.

"What am I not thinking?" I said with the voice I was beginning to recognize as my own. "I feel completely overwhelmed. I have a million questions."

"Start with one."

Picking out one – I replayed what had just happened in my head – the instincts, the destruction, the blood, the meal – my hand flew to my teeth, which felt…normal.

"Fangs?"

"No. Our teeth are incredibly sharp. That's how you were able to rip into the animal's flesh so easily but no fangs."

"Garlic?" What a stupid thing to ask!

He chuckled, "Garlic, holy water, crosses, silver bullets, wooden stakes have no affect on us at all."

"Really? Wooden stake?"

"Our bodies become very dense and nearly impossible to penetrate. A wooden stake wouldn't even make a scratch."

"So we are indestructible?"

"Nearly."

"What do you mean nearly?" I could see the house.

"Esme, there is plenty of time to explain everything."

We walked in the back door that we ran out of earlier. Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder and I stopped, turning around to face him with more control and balance.

"I'll help you get set up in the bathroom. It is going to take time for you to adjust to the many changes that have occurred. As I mentioned before your strength is great and it will take practice and concentration not to destroy everything you take in your hands."

I stuck my arms straight down at my side as I nodded with understanding. He looked at me straight on and I found myself once again admiring how beautiful his face was. His eyes were studying mine.

"You look a bit different than you did before and the change may be a bit shocking."

I gasped once again. I had jumped off a cliff. My body had been shattered. I remembered hearing a voice in the darkness, "She was a pretty thing," stress on the word "was." I must look horrible. My hand went to the back of my head but I felt no bump. Maybe I had turned - hit my face. I ran my hand over my cheeks but again it felt smooth. I met his eyes again and they were still watching me with curiosity.

"All of your wounds from the fall were healed when you were changed and that wasn't the difference I was speaking of," once again he reached out his hand to me and I trusted him once again. He led me back up the stairs and into the first door off the hallway. It was a library, or at least it had been. The shelves were empty and many trunks were stacked against the wall. The only other thing in the room was a mirror.

What was I about to see? He urged me forward with a tug of my hand. "It is alright Esme."

I stepped forward and looked in the glass but I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing. Was it a trick? Who was this? It wasn't me…or was it? The hair was the right color. Some thing in the line of the cheek was familiar. The height seemed similar. My skin was paler, smooth with not a sign of a freckle, wrinkle or line. But she was stunning. Beautiful. My hand went to my cheek once again and the woman in the mirror did the same. People had always said I was pretty but nothing like how I now appeared. But it all disappeared as I focused on my eyes. My once hazel eyes had been replaced. They had been green flecked with brown and now my irises were bright glowing red. I could see the confusion and anguish take over my expression as I moved closer to the mirror to see them close up.

Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder from behind me and looked at me in the mirror, "They won't stay that way. Over time they will change color and will be the same topaz as mine and Edward's are tonight."

"How long?"

"Our diet of animal blood dilutes the color. It will take several months, maybe a year. Right now they are so bright because your blood is still in your system."

I didn't really understand the "in my system" part but I asked, "A year?"

"Most likely less. It will depend on if you have setbacks along the way."

"Setbacks…" he nodded. "As in, my diet consisted of something other than animal blood." He nodded again as I let the idea settle in and resolved, "Less than a year."

He smiled, "We will hope."

My eyes pulled away from his reflecting face and looked down my body and reminded me what a mess I was. "You probably want to get cleaned up. The bathroom is down the hall." He led me out of the room and down the hall past several doors and turned on the light in the bathroom. He turned on the faucet to let the water start filling the tub. He then opened a small linen closet and took out a towel. He looked down at it and then back at me. "Pretend I'm handing you a folded piece of tissue. It is light, delicate and to unfold it you have to gently and carefully pull it apart." He set it down on the small counter and gestured to it, "Give it a try."

I looked at my fingers, which still looked like fingers and then concentrated on the swath of terrycloth in front of me. I touched it with the tip of my fingers feeling the softness and every tiny loop of thread. I concentrated on the edge where one fold met the next. I slid my fingers in between and went to pick it up but realized my finger had bore a hole in the material. I huffed in frustration but Carlisle soothingly said as he refolded the edge, "Try again."

I did but again my finger went through the material. I felt like I was barely touching it! I adjusted again…four destroyed towels later, I had managed to unfold one, pick it up in my hands and wrap it around me without ripping it. I practiced one more time and was beaming at my success. "I will turn off the water for you and give you some privacy. By the time you are done, Edward should be back with your things. They will be in the room directly across the hall. We will be downstairs. Come down when you are ready. If you need anything, just say my name and I will come up."

"Thank you," I said at barely a whisper.

"Just leave the water in the tub. One of us will drain it." I watched him bend over and turn off the water and then turn back to face me. "I know it is strange but you will be fine Esme. We will make sure of it."

He squeezed my arm gently and gave me a smile of assurance and then left the room closing the door behind him.

I was alone. I could hear the water rippling lightly against the side porcelain of the tub. I turned to find another full length mirror. I began to pull of the tattered clothes that laid disheveled on my body. I was practicing not destroying them but my fingers went through the material several times. Finally I was undressed and stepped before the mirror to look over my new body.

A vague memory came forward – last summer I was standing naked in front of a mirror. I was gaunt and I was studying the new bruises on my skin. I was so thin by then that my hip bones, and at times my ribs were visible. My wrists looked like they could be snapped like twigs. My cheeks were hollow. I was wasting away in my misery.

My hips were rounder than they had been then. My pregnancy and happiness once I had escaped had given me back my appetite. I hadn't stuffed myself but I had begun eating normally. My breasts were fuller as they were when they were engorged but softer to the touch and the pain that came with the engorgement was gone. My arms looked stronger. I ran my fingers over my cheekbones again admiring the heart shape of my face. My eyes followed my fingers down my jaw and that is when I noticed it. I stepped closer to the mirror to examine the mark –something that was on the left side of my neck. It was light, silvery in color, crescent shaped and it looked as though you would only notice it in direct light. My eyes widened at the realization that it was teeth marks – it was where I had been bitten. I traced the outline with my finger and although it felt different, I couldn't quite place the sensation or the emotion I felt about it. I realized that at this spot where the carotid artery pulsed now was silent. As I pulled my hand away I noticed another mark on the inside of my upper left arm. I looked at my right and saw its twin and as saw that I notice the smaller mark on the inside of my wrist and again upon looking to the left saw the same.

My eyes moved down my body, over my now flat stomach and over the hips I had already admired. They fell upon another set of marks on my upper thighs and as my eyes continued down, I notice a set on my feet. The placements were deliberate and careful and looked as though he tried to inflict as little damage to my skin as possible. I wondered if the silvery marks would even be visible to the human eye. The most significant one was the one on my neck.

I looked back toward my legs and suddenly realized something was missing. I bent over to examine my right leg. I ran my fingers over it but felt nothing. The scar that had been left behind once the stitches that Doctor Cullen had sewn into me were removed a decade ago was gone. I looked at the top of my hand for a scar that I had from burning my hand on the stove when I was a child and found it too was gone. I had fallen in the woods as I ran the other night but my palms and my knees were unmarked. No bruises, scratches or scars. Embarrassingly I reached in between my legs and felt that the tear from giving birth was no longer there. All human physical wounds were gone. The mental and the new vampire physical ones seemed to be sticking around.

I couldn't look any longer and went over and gingerly climbed into the tub and lightly sat down. I leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. There water was warm but the temperature didn't seem to matter. I ran over everything that had happened tonight in my mind. I laughed at myself. When was the Mad Hatter going to show up because surely I was Alice and when I jumped off that cliff I fell down the rabbit hole…or I had lost my mind…or this was hell or heaven – surely if he is here this can't be hell.

I shook my head as I gently picked up the soap, still managing to embed my fingers in it. I soaped up my hair, scrubbing out the dirt and blood, then took a deep inhale of air, closed my eyes and slid down under the water. As I lay on the bottom of the tub I realized that there was no tug at my lungs as I held my breath. I waited to feel the need to expand them for air but it didn't come. I opened my eyes and looked up but felt no sting from the soap now in the water. I could see clearly through the soapy water up to the ceiling. I was so alive but at the same time so dead. Alice in Wonderland.

I thought about Edward and if he was home by now he could hear me thinking about him. How old was he when he was changed and how long ago was it? The devastatingly beautiful young man appeared so young to me. He seems genuinely concerned about my well being.

And Doctor Cullen – Carlisle. As caring as I remembered and just as handsome – more dashing than Douglas Fairbanks and he put Rudy Valentino to shame. Of all people, how could this man, the man who had haunted my dreams, the dreams of an unhappily married woman, for a decade have been the one to find me? He was everything my dim memory could think of and more and why were my memories suddenly so dim?

I fought through the haze for images of my life and most importantly, of my Edward. I could envision his tiny face and his eyes looking up at me. Although there was no oxygen, I felt my chest tighten as if a sob was getting ready to burst from it. He was gone and I was suppose to be gone too but here I lay, under water but unable to drown. For some reason, a second chance, a new and strange life was being force upon me. What was fate's role in this? For that stunning blond god waiting for me downstairs to be the one who found me…it was Shakespeare.

I sat back up and concentrated on picking up the washcloth that had been draped over the edge of the tub. He had lined up several just in case. I picked up the first one and immediately had my fingers through it. How was it possible that I could be this strong? I gave up on that one and dropped it into the water. I focused on the next one and frustratingly had the same result. I balled up what was left of it and threw it towards the wall. My mouth fell open in shock as it hit the wall with a bang and a puff of powder sprayed into the air as the plaster shattered. Petrified, I gaped at the hole in the wall when I heard a frantic knock at the door.

"Esme, are you alright?" Carlisle's voice was frantic.

"She'll be fine." I heard Edward say with a relaxed tone. "She just figured out how strong she actually is."

"Edward enough," the knocking continued. "Esme! Answer me."

"He's right!" I heard myself say in a voice even higher than the one I was getting use to. "I just threw a washcloth." Through a wall! I threw a hand over my mouth, stifling a giggle. I was still a bit in shock but couldn't help find some humor in this ridiculous situation.

I heard Edward laugh. "I like her."

I heard them retreat, now able to distinguish one walk from the other.

I looked at another washcloth and spoke to it as I would have to one of my students. "You saw what happened to your brother. Be good and stay in one piece if you don't want to suffer the same fate." I picked it up, unfolded it, grabbed the bar of soap and finished my bath without incident.

I managed to stand up and step out without causing any damage. I picked up a towel and began drying my hair successfully.

My throat was enflamed again even though I still felt full. I looked at the toilet. I had felt no urge to relieve myself and even if I had, what would come out? I shivered a bit at the thought of it.

A second towel survived drying my body before I wrapped it around me and tucked it in at the top. Proud of my achievement I walked to the door and grabbed the door knob but stopped as my hand wrapped around it. I focused on the amount of energy I would need to exert to turn it and pull open the door. I bit my bottom lip as I started the motions but sighed as I immediately had the door knob crushed and detached from the door in my hand. Keep practicing. I set it down on the sink and pulled open the broken door and walked into the open door across the hall. I managed to lightly press it closed, leaving it open just a bit so I didn't have to test this door knob as well.

Slightly mortified, I looked around at every piece of fabric I owned laid out before me. It wasn't a lot - it was just that I didn't like the fact that these strangers had seen my undergarments. I didn't know what I could wear. Nothing would fit right. My pre-pregnancy clothes wouldn't fit my healthier shape and my maternity clothes were too big. I looked at a light pink dress that looked loose enough that it would fit over my body. I focused on everything I touched as being tissue. I inched on my undergarments with concentration. My brow must have furrowed as I pulled the dress over my head and gently slid my arms through the sleeves wishing they were shorter but like most of my clothes from the last few years I had worn sleeves to cover the bruises. I tried to reach back and button it but the button immediately popped off the fabric. That was going to be too difficult to accomplish on day one and I didn't want to rip the dress since it actually did fit. I would get one of them to assist. I slid on a pair of shoes that had no ties or buckles.

I picked up my hair brush and pulled the door open and walked back across the hall to look in the mirror. The dress had a more distinct shape on me now than it did in the past but I liked it. I gently ran the brush through my wet hair, flattening it out. I looked at the fake metal ban on my finger and pulled it off. I went back over to the other room and setting down the brush and the ring, looked up and out the window. The sky was just starting to turn a shade lighter. Twilight was beginning.

*******

**Yes the cracking sound was Esme crushing Edward.**

**So what do you think of Esme's awakening? Was it what you were expecting? Please review!**

**Thank you to TeamPetabeth for inspiring me to write Esme's Story and thank you to my beta TheCullenPixie .**

**Follow me on twitter _esme_cullen**

**Book One was rated T and right now Book Two is rated T as well. I don't know if it will remain T. If you are a reader that is opposed to M ratings please let me know. I would consider doing M versions of chapters as outtakes instead if a large contingent of my readership is opposed to M. If you are a reader that wants to see M then let me know that too so I can weigh everyone's thoughts. Send me a PM.**

**I'm looking for a second beta! If you have read Book One and are interested in being a beta on Book Two and eventually Book Three, send me a note. Please be at least 21 years old. I'm looking for someone who will look for grammar and spelling errors but also will give me feedback on storyline and character development. Send me a PM. **

**Thank you for reading!**


	2. Who Am I Now?

_June 1921_

They both rose from their seats as I entered the room. Even if they were vampires, at least they were gentlemen. What a ridiculous thought! I saw Edward smirk again. Would I ever get used to that?

"Edward, since you seem to know everything, you know I need help with the buttons on this dress."

The smirk was replaced with a mix of shock and horror—or was it just embarrassment? His mouth was slightly slack and he didn't seem to be able to react. Putting a coat on me was one thing, buttoning up my dress was something else. I turned to Carlisle, who was looking at Edward with concern over his suddenly stony appearance. "Doctor, since Edward seems a little out of sorts, would you mind? This dress actually fits, and I didn't want to destroy it by attempting to button it."

I didn't know how I was keeping any sort of wit about me.

"Yes, of course," Carlisle said as he made his way over to me. I lifted my hair out of the way, and his hands deftly moved over the buttons. "There," he said as he finished.

"Thank you," I calmly said. I released my hair and looked at Edward again, who now looked recovered, and studied his angelic young face. "How old are you?"

"Twenty."

"How long have you been twenty?"

"Well, my birthday was two days ago."

"When were you changed?"

"1918 so technically I'm seventeen forever."

"You were born in 1901?"

"Yes."

"That was the same year my sister was born." I felt so many emotions as I thought for the first time in a long time of Millie. Even as I thought of her though it again was like looking through fog. My mind struggled for images of her. While the present was so clear my past seemed shrouded with some images clearer than others, but I felt a disconnection from it. I searched for Millie: teaching a child to play the piano…playing tag behind the house…holding her hand as we walked home from school…leaving to go to school in Columbus…looking for a kitten in a tree…my wedding day…her wedding day…her laughing with Charles…a letter with the words printed "I'm in a delicate condition." She was a mother by now. I tried to envision her with a baby in her arms and Adam at her side, but I couldn't see it. I couldn't create it. My mind was broken.

"It isn't broken," Edward said. "Like everything, it has changed. You are the same person but while your new mind remembers everything forever, your human memories are faded."

"But there are things I don't want to forget," I argued.

"And you can hold onto those thoughts, but they will never be as clear as the memories in this life." There was a moment of silence. I heard a rabbit chase another across the dew-soaked grass beyond the closed window. "Your sister – you had a falling out?"

"Please," I begged, feeling more emotions than I knew how to contain. I shook my head rapidly. I didn't know if I wanted to force the thoughts out or let them all flood in. My head screamed at me to _focus on something else Esme._ I looked past them both toward the window. The sky was getting lighter.

"Do I need to go sleep in a coffin before the sun destroys me, or is that just another vampire legend?" Maybe that is what I wanted – to walk into the sun and end what I started.

"Don't think like that," I heard Edward say. _Did he just scold me?_ "Yes, I did. I was in your same position not very long ago. Please, just hear Carlisle out. I know you want to trust him, and he is worth trusting."

I stared at him. _Edward, you see everything. You know. This is unreal._ He nodded and spoke, "Alice in Wonderland is a good analogy for what you are feeling at the moment but eventually the Lewis Carroll part of this life will fade and the reality of it will set in."

I looked over at Carlisle. He was watching us both intently, wondering what was occurring in the one-sided verbal conversation. Trying to get us back on track, he said, "To answer your question, we don't sleep."

"Ever?" I felt shocked by this. I relished curling up in my bed and letting dreams overtake me. It seemed in this life where destruction would rule my survival, I would need their protection again – the ability to escape from the pain again.

"No. We don't require it, and our minds don't let us. And as for the sun, it won't destroy us but we do have to avoid it."

"How did you discover that?"

"Discover what?"

"That it won't destroy us?" We were an "us" now. This unique life made all three people in this room an "us."

"Esme, why don't you sit down, and I'll explain everything." Carlisle gestured toward a rather solid-looking chair but I sat gingerly. This type of destruction could not continue to be my lot.

"It will get easier. I'll help you," said Edward. "Because although you don't fully grasp it yet, you need a lot of help. We walk among humans. We blend in. Right now, you couldn't blend in no matter how hard you tried." He laughed at himself. "Plus, you would probably go on one hell of a killing spree."

"Edward!" Carlisle scolded this time. "That isn't helping."

"Sorry."

"You still need to work on controlling your impulses."

"I'm getting better," Edward said with a crooked smile.

"Yes, I certainly acknowledge that in some regards you are doing exceedingly well, but please don't frighten her."

Fright just didn't seem like an appropriate word, but I wasn't going to waste time correcting him. I was too confused to be frightened. "Tell me everything."

He nodded. "I was born in London in the year 1643."

I felt my eyes widen. Some human tendencies still existed. "That makes you-"

"I've been on this earth 278 years."

"Oh my," I breathed. A moment later I blurted out, "You don't sound British."

Edward guffawed. Carlisle smirked at me for a moment and then spoke with a perfect British accent, "Many years of practice and living in this country have eroded it away."

I nodded and pulled my jaw shut as he continued back in his normal voice, "My mother died giving birth to me, and I was raised by my father, who was an Anglican minister. I had no siblings. My father, of course, was very devout and I had a strict, deeply religious upbringing. I tried to follow in his footsteps but as I grew older, our deep seated beliefs took different paths. But I was his son and I was obedient." I could hear a bit of disgust in his voice. Was he disgusted at himself or his father? I didn't ask and let him continue.

"My father believed that dark creatures roamed this world and must be destroyed. Creatures that you have always believed to be as you put it, fiction or legends. Witches, werewolves and of course, vampires. He led a crusade of sorts to hunt down these creatures and as I got older, I also became a witch hunter. The difference between my father and me was that he was quick to accuse while I looked for the truth. I didn't want to see the innocent suffer. My father's flock though, had so much faith in him that if he accused someone, they believed him and, whether the person was innocent or not, it never ended well. As much as I hated being in my station, at least it gave me some control, but my father continued to pressure me to find the evil ones on this earth. He saw my failings in that I could not find one person to accuse."

His eyes were no longer in the room but envisioning something and somewhere from long ago. "But that changed one night. I refused to see evil where it didn't exist but then, on what I expected to be a fruitless search, we came across them. It was 1666 and I was 23 years old. We drew them out."

"How?"

He chuckled but it was laced with bitterness. "A mob of humans approaching a pack of hungry vampires – I'm sure our scent alone drew them out. The crowd was armed with pitchforks and axes, for what little they would do, and I was at the front. They came out of their hiding spots. Drawn like a moth to the flame by our scent, the noise, the rage…" He shook his head as he relived the moment in his mind. "They began to run away, screaming in Latin, but that must have been a trick to get us to pursue, for even in their sorry state, they still could have easily escaped us. I ran ahead of the crowd, chasing down one of the ancient creatures. In an instant he turned and fell on me. I didn't even see him stop or turn around. Suddenly, I was pinned on to the ground, pain searing my neck. Two men tried to pull him off me, and he turned on them. I could hear screams but the pain was blinding. I somehow scrambled away in the middle of chaos. I knew the stories. I knew the legends. I knew what I was hunting and the hunter had just become the prey. My father would see anything and anyone touched by such evil destroyed…even his only child.

"I crawled off the street, down an alleyway, escaping. The houses were getting farther apart. I saw an ajar door to a root cellar and I fell into it. It had not been entered for a while, and the odor of rotting vegetation permeated the air, but it was quiet, cold and lonely. It was a place to hide. It was a place to die. I buried myself in the pile of rotting potatoes, waiting for the agonizing, searing pain to overcome me, for surely it was killing me. At least I would die here and not at the hands of my father's destruction, which I knew would be torturous. The pain seared on for what felt like eternity and I thought maybe it would have been better to have died at my father's command. But suddenly my heart was pounding heavily – it was racing in my ears as I had never heard it before. Then there was silence.

"I lay there for another day. My throat burning but afraid to move. As night came on the fourth day since I was attacked, I emerged from the cellar. Like you experienced tonight, Esme, I was overwhelmed by my senses. I quickly understood what I had become and mourned for the life I had lost. At the same time, my throat was pulling me toward the human population, but my mind was pulling me away. I couldn't take lives, kill for my own satisfaction and needs."

I felt apprehensive of the direction that this story seemed to be heading in, but I needed him to continue. "What did you do?" I asked quietly.

"I tried to destroy myself."

I looked at Edward, and he just shrugged and shook his head.

"As you can see, it was a failed attempt….failed multiple attempts."

"What did you try?"

He rambled off the list, "I tried drowning, jumping from extreme heights, falling on a sword, staking myself, going in the sun, and starvation."

"But what happened when you tried those things?"

"Because we don't need to breathe to live, I found myself sitting on the bottom of a lake for hours. When I jumped off a cliff, I created a crater. I broke the sword and the stake. And the sun…well, while it doesn't burn us or damage us, we must avoid it."

"Why?"

"It will sound ridiculous if I describe it to you."

"Doctor Cullen-"

"Carlisle."

"Carlisle, everything is sounding a bit farfetched at the moment, but I'm doing my best to absorb it all as the truth."

"It will be easier to show you later," he calmly said.

I stared at him, but the subject seemed dead for the moment. "Fine."

He continued, "I wandered for months. I was hungry and weak but I felt my willpower failing so I avoided the human populace. One day, I lay on the forest floor, going mad with hunger. A herd of deer came within a kilometer of where I hid. I couldn't take it anymore and fell on one of them. There was no thought in it. My instincts just pulled me toward it. I didn't know how I did it, but suddenly I had a drained deer on my lap. I went after another one. For the first time in months, my head felt clearer. I felt hope. I felt better. My strength returned. I realized then that no human had to die for me to continue to exist. I ate venison in my human life; this was just an alternative way of having a meal."

"So then what?"

"I resolved that my life would go on. I couldn't go back to my father, but I could go on. I had to decide what I could do with what had been given to me, immortality. I wouldn't waste it on the singular drive of the next meal. There had to be more. There had to be a reason for this, so over the next few months I spent time thinking about who I had become and who I would become. I found myself again."

"So what did you do with this newly discovered self?"

"It wasn't an easy discovery. Like you are now, I couldn't just walk into town and start interacting with the humans.

"I worked on controlling my movements and my voice. I inched closer to populations, getting accustomed to the scent of humans, forcing myself away if I felt urges begin to addle my brain and bring on desire."

"And your eyes?"

He looked surprised by my question, and Edward spoke up with a snicker, "She is surprisingly lucid, but she hasn't had her brain truly addled yet."

"Edward, don't be rude," I heard myself admonish him, but immediately regretted it.

Edward laughed, "She is lucid but she is also impulsive. Anything that she asks has no thought behind it. The moment it enters her thoughts, it crosses her lips. "

"I'm sorry. It is not like me."

"You don't have to apologize, Esme. It is going to take time to feel like you again. As Carlisle said, it was months. For me I think it was longer."

Carlisle smiled, "Yes, three years and you are still working on it."

"Touché, old man."

"Please continue. I heard a bit of a whine in my voice.

"I had been trying to figure out how to handle the issue of my new eye color. I had gone north toward Cambridge. I began sneaking into the University's library at night, pouring over medical journals and textbooks. Looking for something I could use as an explanation. As pale as I had become, albinism was starting to seem like a good explanation but then one day it wasn't an issue anymore.

"I was rinsing myself off in a stream after hunting and I saw my reflection in the water. My eyes had changed. They were no longer glowing red. They were not yet the color that you see now but more amber than topaz. In any case, they looked normal and more human-like."

I felt my concentration beginning to slip. I yearned to know everything that he had been through and knew it was a story that was just beginning and would take a long time to learn. He was only touching the surface. But the fire in my throat was starting to become difficult to ignore.

"She needs to hunt," Edward interrupted.

"Already?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm fine," I argued. I wasn't ready to end this conversation yet.

"She's a newborn, Carlisle. Remember?"

"A newborn?" My curiosity was stirred.

"That's what newly created vampires are referred to until they start to behave normally," Carlisle answered.

"Normally?"

"What I was telling you before about your enhance abilities at the moment. You cut me off before."

"And she is going to cut you off again. It is overcast. Story time can wait, Carlisle," argued Edward.

"No, tell me. Newborns," I insisted.

"When a vampire is first created, they are incredibly powerful. As I told you earlier, you are stronger and faster than either of us."

"I haven't raced her yet," Edward interrupted again.

He gave Edward a stern look. "You will never be as strong or as fast as you are now. Over the next year as your eyes change, so will these abilities but during this time period a vampire is referred to by our kind as a newborn."

A faded memory entered my mind, and I spoke the words aloud to myself, "You'll find it is instinctual with newborns. They don't even have to think about it."

"What is that?" Carlisle asked.

"I'm sorry, I'm apparently easily distracted."

Edward bellowed at my sarcasm. I believe newborn or not, Carlisle was questioning my sanity.

"I'm sorry. So you were secretly studying at Cambridge at night, which in itself is amazing."

"Why is that?"

"You were at Cambridge! One of the oldest and most prestigious universities in the world. What I would give…have given…" I went silent. What could I say? _Doctor Cullen, the last time you saw me, you sent me off with a cast that ended my academic career? It is not like women can attend Cambridge anyway but I didn't even have a high school diploma and this man studied at Cambridge._

"Keep talking, Carlisle," Edward quietly said.

"I didn't officially study at Cambridge but once my eyes changed, I started looking at other subjects in the library at night until one night I decided I was ready."

"Ready for what?"

"To attempt to walk among humans."

"Were you frightened?"

"I was terrified not only of what I could do to them but what they could do to me. The only way I could find out if it would work was by entering the population. I started out by walking through town after sunset, making sure my movements were as slow and as human-like as possible. When I mastered that, I entered taverns. I figured if something was off with me, the inebriated would blame it on the ale. I started having conversations, short at first and then longer, with various patrons. If something felt wrong, I would make my excuses, leave and work on improving my actions. I kept waiting for someone to call me out for what I had become, but it didn't happen.

"Comfortable enough with my behavior, I decided to leave England and head to France. Once in Europe, I decided to truly educate myself. I saw all of Europe. I learned new languages. I enrolled in universities. I studied music, art, science and sometimes I blame it on those Cambridge textbooks but also medicine."

"Don't be modest, Carlisle."

"Yes, don't be modest, Carlisle," I repeated.

H e didn't react. He carried on with his story, ignoring our teasing. "I studied at night. Music was attractive because it is a universal language. The notes on the page don't change regardless of what language the musician speaks. Art also doesn't require a language to be admired. I began studying science because I was looking for answers."

"Answers to what?"

"Anything. Everything. My youth had been dominated by religion and all my reference points were based on that faith. It wasn't that I was abandoning my faith, but I felt like there was room for more."

"You have a strong faith for someone so wronged."

"I've never been given a reason to doubt God's existence."

"Not even what you have become?"

"Especially what I have become."

I had to ponder that one because at the moment, I didn't know what to believe.

"I matriculated often," he continued. "I would focus on an area of study, earn a diploma, then move on but then I began to feel what Edward refers to as my calling."

"Your calling?"

"Medicine in earnest. I wanted to help people, and the science of humans was more intriguing to me than any other subject. I began studying to become a doctor and when my medical degree was conferred, I moved onto somewhere else and began studying again."

"But how is that possible? How can you resist it? How were you able to stitch up my leg?"

"Or the thousands of patients I saw before you? Again, it was practice. I didn't trust myself for a long time to handle patients alone; that is why I kept studying instead of just jumping into practice. As a student, I could stand back and observe with witnesses present. If I felt overwhelmed, I could leave and blame it on becoming sick. I would never be the first or last medical student to do so. I spent more than a hundred years traveling and learning medicine in different lands. At the same time, I was searching for others like me. I found vampires but none that agreed to my dietary restriction. Some even tried to change my ways, but I knew I didn't want to live that way.

"In 1818 I traveled to the United States and never returned to Europe. I still wasn't practicing. I studied more but also became more clinical. In 1830, after completing my studies at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, I stayed and began to work in the hospital and my medical career began in earnest. I stayed in Philadelphia for twelve years but realized that since I was not aging, I had to move on. So I did, over and over again. I would settle somewhere for a decade or so, always working the overnight shift at the hospital. I blended in."

"I can't imagine you just blending in."

"What do you mean?"

"You…you don't look like everyone else." _Because you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen._

"At night people don't seem to notice as much."

"I'm sure they notice you." Our eyes met for a moment, but I looked away, afraid he might see the stupid girl who noticed him and never forgot him. "So you are a nomad? No permanent home?"

"On the contrary, for our kind's existence, my life is anything but nomadic. Most vampires are truly nomadic with no roof above their heads. They wander the earth, always driven by the pursuit of the next meal. While some travel together for company or mutual protection, most are alone and have never had a home since they were changed. All they possess is what they carry with them, which is mostly just the clothes on their backs. The only time they spend among humans is when they are hunting."

"So why are you different? Why when that is the way the rest of our kind lives do you choose to live so differently and dangerously?" I felt frustrated with him.

"For a multitude of reasons," Carlisle said, the calmness in his voice never wavering. "Because of my calling to help humans and the fact that I had mastered that ability."

"But aren't you always afraid that the blood will start flowing and you won't be able to resist?"

"That is why I waited so long to practice. To ensure that of what you speak will not happen. It isn't without some difficulty but as time has gone by, I find it becomes less and less difficult."

"What other reasons?" My voice was demanding and so was my mind. Why was I being so rude?

"You can't help it, Esme, and Carlisle knows that," chimed in Edward.

"Life became less lonely when I could exist among humans. Granted, I could never truly become close with anyone, but I didn't spend my days completely void of contact."

"Why then if life was less lonely did you change Edward?" Was I angry? Was I sad? Was I appalled? So many emotions and I couldn't attach myself to one.

"I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a companion for myself. Yes, the people I worked with gave me a connection for a few hours a day but I could never get close. Just one other person who could really know me, rather than what I pretend to be. I could never justify doing what had been done to me."

"What changed?"

"My mother," Edward mumbled.

"Your mother?" My voice rose with surprise.

"Do you want to tell this part, Edward, or should I?"

"Go ahead."

"Edward was dying of Spanish Influenza in Chicago."

"Are you from Chicago?" I asked.

"Born and raised," Edward confirmed.

Carlisle continued, "His father had already passed and his mother begged me to save her only son."

"You have lived through times of war and death before. What made this mother's plea different?" I demanded.

His calmness finally interrupted, he spoke, "That is what was amazing and frightening to me. She took a bad turn quickly and she was too weak to fight anymore…but she didn't look weak as she glared up at me from her cot and demanded that I save him. I promised her I would do everything in my power. Her eyes were hard as she demanded that I must do everything in my power…'what others cannot, do, that is what you must do for my Edward.'"

"Did she know?" I whispered.

"Her eyes were piercing and for one instant I felt certain she knew my secret. But then the fever overwhelmed her, and she never regained consciousness. She died with a few hours."

I looked at the boy sitting across from me, "I'm sorry, Edward."

"Thank you," he quietly said, the humor gone from his face.

"Her voice, her words echoed in my head. How could she guess what I could do? Could anyone really want this life for her son?" His head turned to look across the room at Edward and his face changed. The anguish was fading, and I could see the care he felt for him. "I looked at him and, as sick as he was, he was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about his face. After so many years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. The hospital was so busy and there were not enough hands or enough eyes to notice that he was still breathing when I wheeled him to the morgue. It was empty. I stole him out the back door and back to my home.

"I wasn't quite sure what had to be done. I had never changed anyone before nor had I ever seen it done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received, which I learned were more painful and lingering than necessary."

"But what you learned helped you with her," Edward said as he looked directly at Carlisle and gestured toward me.

"Yes, I was more precise with where I bit you. The process of changing was a bit faster for you, which was amazing considering how bad your injuries were and how close to being gone that you were…you should have been gone."

"So after centuries alone, you had chosen your one companion – just one other person who could know you. He is sitting right here. If that is what you needed to spare you from loneliness, why am I here?"

The silence was deafening. I glanced toward Edward, who was staring at Carlisle. His face looked like he was waiting for an answer as well…or maybe he was listening to what was going on in Carlisle's mind. Carlisle was staring back at Edward.

"Was I just a whim?" I flatly asked.

"Yes you were but…" He paused for a moment as if he were collecting his thoughts before continuing, "I was shocked and saddened when I realized it was you. In all my years, I have never happened across a patient a second time living in a different location. I remembered you. The pretty, happy girl who tumbled out of a tree rescuing an ungrateful cat at the urging of her brother and sister. The straight A student who was named after her late grandmother who had been her favorite person and she missed every day. The girl who I gave my handkerchief to, who still had it in her pocket ten years later when she was once again my patient."

My eyes widened as he waved the little worn square of cloth at me.

"I remember the girl who said to me regarding the nine lives of cats, 'I will try to remember that the next time there's a cat in a tree. If the cat falls, chances are it has another life to live. If I fall, well, I only have one chance to live this life so I better make it count by not climbing after cats.' I couldn't imagine what made you climb after a cat again. So deep at 16. So full of life and so bright. I couldn't imagine one such as you could leave this earth willingly at such a young age. I wanted to know what could have gone so wrong to one who had so much before her. Yes, you were a whim in that I had to make a decision quickly but it felt like it would be a waste to let you go."

"But I wanted to go," I stated, the bitterness clear in my tone. "I didn't fall. I jumped."

"I know." The calming voice returned.

"Then if you know or knew…"

"Just because one life was lost, another one didn't need to end."

"So are you claiming God status now?"

"Are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"God didn't strike you down with illness. He didn't kill you when you were bearing your son. You chose to end your life prematurely, and I chose to keep you on earth."

"Why?"

"I've seen thousands of patients, Esme, and have seen hundreds die in front of me. As I remembered you, thought about you as a girl, I knew you had to be suffering greatly, as your injuries were extensive. I wanted to put an end to your pain."

"By putting me through the most painful experience of my life?" The tone of my voice was high again.

"With the hope that you would come out on the other side in a better place. I'm still trying to rationalize to myself why you were so different. Was it the pre-existing knowledge of your or was it something else?"

"Well, please let me know when you figure that one out." Did I just growl at him?

"You will be the first one to know."

"No, I won't because Edward will know first." I sulked.

"She catches on quickly," Edward said, the humor returning to his voice.

"So how did you go from the girl with the broken leg to the shattered woman in the morgue?"

Was it his turn for questions now? It didn't seem fair when I still had so many. I would give them the brief version. They only needed to know the highlights. There was no reason now to tell them the full details of my whole gruesome and embarrassing story.

"I was married to a man who abused me. When I found out I was expecting his child, I fled Columbus and went to live with my second cousin and her family in Milwaukee. They sheltered me until my family found out where I was. My cousin's husband helped me flee and create a new life for myself here. I took a new name and pledged to never contact my family again. I planned to live a new life with my child and never look back."

"So what happened?" Carlisle asked.

"Edward was a beautiful baby. He reminded me of my younger brother. He looked nothing like his father, Charles. In a moment I had gone from just an ordinary woman to having something that I would sacrifice everything for and live completely for. For three days, I was the happiest I had ever been. I was a mother to the most incredible child. He was everything I ever wanted or needed. Then he started coughing. I thought he was just eating too fast. But then the doctor said his lungs were infected and there was nothing he could do. A week after I welcomed him into my life, I was putting him in the ground." My emotions again were raw and I cried out, "It wasn't fair! He had done nothing wrong. He was completely innocent. I had left everything behind – my name, my life, my family. I couldn't go back. There was nothing to go back to, and there was nothing left to propel me forward. I couldn't survive in that emptiness. I stood at an impasse. I decided the only ones who mattered were gone, so I prayed that God would accept me into his kingdom to be with my grandmother and my son. And I jumped. I expected, or at least hoped, to open my eyes again in heaven…" A God and an angel maybe, but this wasn't what I was expecting. I felt that I was calming down.

He looked me in the eyes as he spoke quietly. "Your spine and pelvis were shattered. Your spleen was ruptured. You had massive internal bleeding. Your right lung was collapsed. The back of your skull was fractured. You also had more than a dozen other broken bones. Three men found you on their way out to fish."

"There were three? I only thought I heard two."

"You heard them?"

"I was in the dark. I couldn't feel anything, but I could hear them talking. And I heard a familiar voice – it was you."

"I don't know how your heart was still beating. It was so faint they just assumed you were dead. It had to have been a couple hours since you fell-"

"Jumped. It is okay. I said it. It was my decision. I jumped."

"By the time they brought you in, something inside you was fighting to live."

"I was begging God to let me die."

"But he wasn't ready for you."

"But you were," I whispered. Why were my hands shaking?

"When I saw you, I knew I was."

"So what did you do?"

"I brought you back here. I was praying that you would just hold on until I got you home. Once I got you here, I bit you right away." My hand flew to the mark now on my throat. "Edward said you noticed it. As I said earlier, I learned from my experience with Edward to place the bites more strategically. I tried to inject venom into your major veins and arteries to help it move faster through your bloodstream."

"Did you drink my blood?"

"Very little. I was trying to push venom in not pull blood out."

"Was I really screaming?"

"Yes, you were. Luckily, we don't have neighbors close by."

"Why was it so painful?"

"The venom burns through your veins. It consumes the blood in your system and changes you and at the same time heals any wounds. It is painful because it is venom, therefore poison. Just as if you were bitten by a snake or a spider, as the venom enters and moves through your bloodstream to incapacitate you, it thus causes tremendous pain."

"And just like a snake or a spider bite, it will kill you."

"In a matter of speaking, yes."

"So what is the one way to destroy us?"

There was silence for a moment before Edward addressed Carlisle, "She's fine. She couldn't do it to herself anyway."

"Our skin is so hard, so impenetrable that the only thing that can destroy a vampire is another vampire."

"How?"

"Using our strength or our teeth, we are the only thing that can cut through or break apart a vampire."

"So a vampire would need to literally pull another vampire apart to destroy him?"

"Not only would he need to rip him apart but he would then have to quickly burn the pieces before he can pull himself back together and heal." I was stunned, but he continued, "If you or I were to be attacked and, say, a limb was torn off, the limb would just need to get back toward the body and it would reattach itself. It takes a little time to heal and from what I understand it is incredibly painful…actually, it is pretty much the only time vampires can ever feel physical pain. In just a few hours, though, it will be as good as new."

"How do you know all this?"

"I have spent time among others of our kind. Sometimes just in passing and sometimes for longer."

"How many of our kind are there out there?"

"I don't think anyone will ever really know, but I have met ones from every continent except Antarctica."

"How many have you met?"

"I've met 158 vampires and you would be 159."

I looked down at my hands against the fabric of my fragile dress. My head popped up and I looked from one face to the other. Edward's eyes reacted to the question before it came out of my mouth. "Who changed me?"

Carlisle's brow furrowed. "I did. I explained-"

"Not that change." I touched the rose-colored material. "I wasn't wearing a clean white nightgown when I jumped. I was wearing a dress. I woke up in a nightgown."

"It was ruined. It was covered in your blood, and I had to rip parts of it to get to your skin. I'm sorry but I thought you would be more comfortable waking up in something new and clean."

I didn't know what to be more embarrassed about, but then Edward chimed in, "Don't worry, Esme. He's a doctor. It was strictly professional."

Carlisle and I glared at him. I felt awkward. I also felt thirsty. Edward jumped to his feet. "Carlisle, why don't you run into town to take care of what you need to do at the hospital and I'll take Esme out for a snack."

"No, you are not to hunt with her alone," Carlisle commanded.

"You handled me alone."

"Yes, and remember that it didn't always end well."

"Alright," Edward agreed, "we'll take her out hunting and then you can go to the hospital."

"I need clothes," I injected.

"We got you your things," Carlisle stated.

"No…I'm not the same size that I was before. I was much thinner before I became pregnant but I don't have the baby weight anymore so most of what I have will not fit. Plus, if I am going to destroy everything I wear when I hunt I am going to need a lot of clothes."

"I'll pick up some dresses for you when I'm in town."

"And some shirts and pants. It will be easier to hunt in than a dress."

"Alright. Anything else?" I bit my lip, which I quickly realized was a nervous human tendency. Humanity was still there inside me.

"You need to get over embarrassment, Esme. There are no secrets here," Edward said as he tapped his forehead.

"Undergarments, stockings and a good pair of flat shoes," I blurted out.

I could see Carlisle choking back his embarrassment but he didn't blush. He couldn't blush, could he? "No. Without blood there, the color doesn't change," Edward added.

I looked straight at him and thought, _Shut up_. He smiled and winked back.

"I'll take care of it, Esme," Carlisle assured me.

"Don't you need my measurements?"

"No, I can see what they are already."

"Oh." Tis time I was grateful not to blush. "Why do you have to go to the hospital?"

"To quit. I have a family situation that is forcing me to leave immediately and I will be unable to return."

"And then where are we going? You said we have to move on."

"For the time being, Virginia, Minnesota. It is a lumber and mining town in the central part of the state. They need a doctor."

"I have never heard of it."

"Well, now you have. It is going to be your home for a while."

"A while?"

"While you adjust."

"Adjust?"

"Carlisle, she has time to adjust later," Edward said, his impatience reacting to the burning in my throat, therefore in my mind.

"There's so much more I want to know."

Carlisle spoke, "And there is an eternity ahead of you to ask every single question and I will give you every single answer, but for the moment, let's take care of what you need now."

We were outside again in an instant. The sky was overcast. I could smell the rain approaching as we ran deeper into the forest. I tried not to get too far ahead of them. I fell into pace with Edward, Carlisle bringing up the rear. Something already felt natural about this. Was it because I had done it once already or was I beginning to accept that Wonderland was real and this was now who I am?

A scent invaded my nostrils and I changed direction slightly, once again seeking my temporary relief.

**Thank you so much for your feedback back on Chapter 1! Please keep the reviews coming!**

**Is there a moment in this story that you want me to include? I have my plans but is there something that you are dying to read about, let me know. **

**Thank you so much for your patience! While The Human Years allowed me to create a world for Esme, the introduction of Carlisle and Edward to the story presents a daunting challenge. Why? Because I strive to be as true to those characters as possible and that took time. I also have had a challenging time in my real life job that has limited my time to focus on writing. I hope it was worth the wait. **

**Thank you to betas ****quothme, sweetishbubble and, as always, theCullenPixie.**

**So there were no sewers in London in the 1660s so that is why I was not specific about where Carlisle found the ancient vampires. If you haven't noticed by now, I tend to side with actual history versus Stephenie's version of history. While she was great at researching places, she wasn't good at checking dates. I have to thank Stephenie though for much of this chapter. **

**READER FEEDBACK**

**While you can read each other reviews, you can't see my feedback so here are a few thoughts that I'll share based on your reviews.**

**Book Three will be The Twilight Years. Book Two will take Esme's story until the Cullens move to Forks so expect Book Two to be very long. The Twilight Years will be their arrival in Forks through post-Breaking Dawn. **

**When it comes to Edward and Esme, ****there are a couple reasons why they are so carefree.****First, Edward is only 20 years old, not 80. ****He doesn't carry the same baggage that he does in Twilight. ****As for Esme, she is a bit out of sorts and certainly not herself. She is a newborn. Her mind is racing and absorbing so much. Her senses are heightened and her emotions are out of whack. Everything is instinct driven and she pretty much has no filter at the moment. She is overwhelmed by the unreal situation she is suddenly in and her reactions are not typical Esme.**

**Look for some notes about The Human Years in my profile as well as a profile update soon.**

_Disclaimer: All Twilight canon characters in this story are created and the property of Stephenie Meyer. The original characters and plot are the property of the author "Esme Mom Cullen" (Twitter: _Esme_Cullen, OhMyCarlisle & esmecullemom ). The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._


	3. Breathe

_June 1921_

I could not find quiet. Would I ever find quiet again?

Four days. It had been just four days since my new eyes opened. Four days of wonderment. Four days of an education unlike any other. Four days and more than 130 miles between humanity and vampirarity…vampiraity? I just invented a new word. And seven days, one week, since I jumped.

It has been raining non-stop. I was lying on the ground. It was muddy, but I didn't care. What did it matter? I was a mess. Always a mess. I might as well run around naked since it didn't seem to make a difference what I wore, every few hours I destroyed it.

Only four days in and I was completely and utterly frustrated with everything. They were trying. I knew that, but I needed this moment. I needed to lie on the ground, stare up at the rain and not see those eyes watching me.

Within 24 hours of waking, I was running out of Wisconsin and into Minnesota. Staying off the road and away from humans had been the goal. Edward would go back for their automobile and their things later. Carlisle wasn't beginning his new job for several weeks; so for the moment, we were invisible.

Every few hours, I experienced death. I needed it like nothing I had ever needed in my life. For a brief moment in this eternal existence, I felt sated, but it never lasted long. My appetite for destruction seemed incapable of waning. And a brief scent made me realize how tempting what I really craved was.

I remembered the scent invading my nostrils, and my throat immediately turned from flames in a hearth to a raging forest fire. All other thoughts emptied my mind as only one thought dominated it – I had to drown myself, my throat, in that scent. Only it could save me. As immediate as the thought entered my mind, Edward had tackled me to the muddy ground, gripping my waist like a vice. I snarled at him but Carlisle grabbed my head, forcing my jaw closed, squeezing my nostrils shut, making every effort to keep that fragrance out of my nose, my brain, my throat…but it was too late and now, even if I didn't realize it in the moment, I now knew what it was that drove our kind.

I fought against them both but even with my strength, it was two against one and they had the upper hand. Edward held on as I thrashed against him. Carlisle spoke to me, attempting to talk me down, as I tried twisting my head away, longing to breathe it in again – to know where it was coming from so as soon as they let go, I could go find it.

For nearly an hour I fought them, but they wouldn't relent. My mind starting coming back as the time between the aroma's invasion and the battle began. My movements slowed and finally I stopped. Neither loosened their grip.

"I'm not letting go yet, Esme. There is still a lot happening in your head. We're not letting go until Edward feels you are ready," Carlisle said sternly.

I was furious. I elbowed Edward in the ribs but he held on. _How dare you determine when I'm ready to get up. I'm fine. Let me go! _

But all these thoughts did nothing. It was another 15 minutes before Edward addressed Carlisle. "I think she is in the clear, but she will need blood quickly."

Carlisle let go first. I stretched my jaw and looked for the scent, but it was gone. My mind mourned it, but no matter, my throat needed to be quenched. Edward pulled me to my feet with him and kept a hand wrapped around my arm.

"I'm fine," I growled at him, still angry at him for keeping me from hunting.

"Esme, you just got your first whiff of human. Now, would you have rather me tackle you or let you kill a person?"

I froze. Not for a second had I thought what it was. All I knew was that it smelled better than anything I had ever dreamed of. The draw had been so intense and now that I knew what the scent came from, it was frightening.

"I would have gone after it," I whispered, my hands were shaking.

"That's why we stopped you," Edward said gently.

"That is what I have to resist?" I gasped. _How would that ever be possible?_

"It is not going to happen instantly. It will take time, and that was the first time you have come in contact with a human."

"How much time?"

"Years. I've only been able to spend any length of time among humans in the last year, and even then, I have to be careful. No one ever said it would be easy, Esme."

"I never said I would expect it to be easy, Edward," I said dismissively.

A herd of deer was nearby and we took off after it, but it was too late. As I sank my teeth into a doe, it tasted like mud in comparison to what had addled my brain earlier. Nothing would ever smell or taste the same after that. We trudged…no, I trudged, they just followed, back to the house. I told them to go inside. They both paused.

"What?" I nearly yelled, my nerves still on edge. "I'm not going to run off and attack a human. I just need a moment alone."

They looked between each other – two statues, silent, unmoving, gazes never wavering – until Edward nodded and they disappeared into the rear of our temporary home. It was pouring, but I didn't care. I lay down on the wet ground at the edge of the clearing behind the house.

I was trying to feel grounded, connected to this world literally and figuratively. I'm sure they were watching me from the window, Edward monitoring my every thought.

I wished I had more control. They must think I am a raving lunatic. Only four days old and that is how I felt. My emotions and my reactions were that of a child, but I couldn't get it under control. When your days were no longer counted by sleep, it felt like things should happen faster. I should be ready to take on the world; but it was obvious by the ripped clothing, the broken furniture, and Edward's second broken rib, that this would take much longer than a simple math lesson.

I didn't like me. I didn't feel like me. The moment of clarity, where I kept my wit about me and listened to a bit of Carlisle's long history, was just a flash. I hadn't been so clear since. My thirst, my hunger, was winning over any clear thought.

I folded my hands on my silent stomach. There was no movement. All of my organs were quiet and dead – forever frozen like fossils in my body – useless now. Carlisle had explained the physiology to me – the lack of connections now. There is no blood in my system, so my heart doesn't pump; oxygen isn't needed, so my lungs don't work; food as I knew it isn't accepted, so my stomach doesn't process it and my kidneys and liver aren't necessary. The blood that I now live on does go down my throat and into my stomach, but it is absorbed more or less into my body and there is no waste, so there is no need to visit the toilet. Since none of my organs function, my brain has forgotten that the connections once existed. It doesn't tell me to breathe, because I don't need to.

I focused on this one human thing – _just breathe. Too fast. Slow down. In through your nose. Let it expand. You are not dead. Parts of you may not work but you are not dead. Your mind is working. Just slow it down. Air in. Air out. Air in. Air out. Repeat. Slow down._ I felt it in my head, in my ears. It was completely unnecessary, but I was breathing. How else could I be human? I had to act human. Fit in. Not forget who was. How could I give my senses over to destruction if I was me? Forces in my past had tried to destroy me, and in the end, did destroy me, but destruction could not be my lot. That smell would not win. _Breathe in the rain, the mud, the trees. Just breathe. _

The rain was easing, but I didn't move from where I lay. I needed this.

I knew they were talking to each other as they pinned me to the ground earlier, protecting me from myself. I heard what they said, but I couldn't absorb their conversation at the time. I now focused on their words in my memory…

"Esme, no!" Edward had yelled as he tackled me. "Carlisle! Help me!"

"Who is it?" Carlisle asked, as his hands wrapped around my head. He was trying to keep the scent out and trying to keep me from biting him.

"A hunter." Edward was tense. "He's at more than a mile away, but he's young. His blood is pumping, his heart is racing and the wind is blowing this way."

"Is he moving on?"

"He's tracking, so he's going at a slow pace, but he is anxious."

"Shhh, Esme, calm down," Carlisle said soothingly, as a doctor would speak to his patient. "You'll be furious with yourself if we let you go."

"She's pretty furious right now."

"Does she even hear me?"

"Nothing is registering. She only has one thought in her head."

"Esme, focus. Look at me."

He was trying to get me to focus on his face – on his eyes but I wasn't seeing any of it. The only sense that I felt was the pain in my throat begging to be quenched and the raging desire to go after the one thing I felt could stop it.

"It is pointless, Carlisle. She doesn't hear you." Edward sounded agitated.

"Are you alright?" Carlisle was worried.

Edward's bitterness was obvious. "It is hard being in her head. Seeing and feeling this frenzy as she does."

"I can try to hold her on my own if you need to go."

"No, she's too strong and I'm strong enough. You're right. She may be angry at us right now but not as upset as if she killed someone."

"Does she even know that is what she wants?"

"Always curious, Carlisle," Edward chuckled. "No, she just knows that it smells better than anything she has ever smelled and that she has desired nothing more than whatever it is out there."

And then the one sided conversation began as Carlisle spoke with his mind and Edward vocalized his answers.

"It will take her time just as it took me time, but she has two of us to wrestle her to the ground."

"Yes, she is a woman, but she is also a vampire. I think that trumps woman in this situation. Besides, she thinks we are very gentlemanly even for vampires."

"Alright, I'll give you that."

"She is only a few days old and confused, everything is impulsive. Why do I even have to remind you of this? For a vampire that has been through so much and seen so much, you seem to be forgetting yourself. This isn't who she is."

"Ah, I see. You need to give her time, old man. She is bright enough and in just enough control to censor herself. We need to give her time."

He laughed, "Yes, and space. I'm sorry, but I can't help it. I wish at times that I could just shut it off. It would make things easier on everyone including me."

They then sat in silence for a long time as I continued to struggle in their arms. Every few minutes or so, Carlisle would look down into my eyes searching for recognition but I didn't see...

The rain was barely a mist now and the sky was getting lighter. A familiar scent flowed over me. I looked for the other one, but it wasn't there. He was alone. I didn't move as he silently sat down on the ground next to me. I was still "breathing."

"You are still a little fast, but Edward said you kept going even when your thoughts were on something else. That is great progress."

"I can't ever be alone, can I?" I contemplated.

"It will take time." I could hear the warmth and care in Carlisle's voice. "You will learn to manage your instinct. We'll expose you slowly to humans, starting from a distance and for a quick amount of time, and then slowly getting closer and the time longer. I did it. Edward did it. I know it feels impossible right now, but I promise you that you will eventually be able to walk through a town without difficulty."

"I can't believe that. Not based on how I reacted. How can I not feel that?"

"You will still feel it, but you'll learn to control how you react to it."

I tried sighing, but it was just a quick and loud gulp of unnecessary air. I couldn't help but giggle and close my eyes as I shook my head, causing it to burrow deeper into the mud.

"What is it?" he asked, with a mixture of amusement and concern. Could I hear so many emotions before, or had my perception for inflection changed as well?

I groaned. "That wasn't even the 'alone' I was speaking of."

His golden eyes stared down into mine. I could see my red ones reflecting back and looked away. "I meant I'll always have Edward watching my thoughts. I can't be alone in my head."

"He can't help it. It is his gift."

"And a curse."

"I don't think so and I don't believe he does either. It is unwieldy at times for him, but it has been a great service to him and to us. He is still working on honing it, but he is improving his focus all the time. It is because of it that we were able to help you earlier. If you had caught that scent and taken off, chances are, as fast as you are right now, we would not have been able to catch you before it was too late."

I closed my eyes again as a vision of what 'too late' would have meant filled my mind.

I changed the subject. "You keep calling it a gift. Why can he read minds and you and I can't?"

"No one really knows for sure. I have a theory that we bring some of our stronger human traits into this life and then manifest into something more intense. Some vampires' gifts are more tangible than others."

"So, I'm guessing you were very controlled and restrained in your human life?"

He chuckled lightly. "I didn't hunt down innocent people in the name of God like my father. I was very calculating and thoughtful in my human life. The word measured comes to mind. But with Edward, he has told me that he was always able to finish others' thoughts and was very good at reading people. I believe those traits manifested into his mind reading ability. "

"And you have seen a trend of this among the others like us that you have met?"

"I have met vampires that have no supernatural gift, but it may be an emotional or physical trait that is enhanced. There are those that have gifts that I would compare to Edward's as being something beyond the norm, or as I said, supernatural in nature. These are gifts that live in the mind. I lived with a group of vampires in Italy for a while who had an exceptionally high number of these gifted creatures."

"What could they do?"

"Many different things. When it comes to what I have witnessed so far, it seems that no two gifts ever are exactly the same. There were many gifts though. One could sense relationships and another could break them. Another was a shield."

"A shield?"

"If someone were trying to attack her, or someone she was protecting, they would be unable to do so. If they were running at her to attack, they would suddenly be running away from her."

"But why would any vampire need that gift? Even if she was attacked, surly she could defend herself."

"Unless it was another vampire attacking."

"Oh. Does that happen often?"

"She had a need for protection with the group we were living with."

"Were you in danger?"

"Not personally. One day I will tell you all about that time of my life and particularly that coven of vampires, but not today."

He picked my hand up out of the mud and tried in vain to wipe away some of the mud of with his fingers.

"Stop. You'll get all dirty." I nearly pouted. It was bad enough that he was sitting in it.

"It is nothing compared to how filthy you are at the moment. It is going to take hours to scrub out all the mud caked in your hair." He sounded younger when he said this.

"I'll just cut it off," I mumbled.

"I don't know if you would want to do that Esme. It won't grow back." The seriousness was back.

"No, of course not." I found myself laughing.

"What is so funny?"

"I guess it is good I didn't bob it. I was thinking about it."

"Bob it?"

"Cut it short. It is the latest style. Cutting it to about chin length. I'm sure it won't last. Woman will have it long and pinned up again before we know it."

He tilted his head slightly in a very human expression as he looked down at me. "I can't imagine you with short hair."

"Me neither. That's why I was too afraid to cut it. So, you haven't had a haircut in since 1666?"

"No, it was longer and I kept it long for more than 150 years but then the style changed and men started wearing it shorter. Even tied back, it was no longer appropriate for the workplace. So I cut it short a century ago. I figured if it styles change back to long, I can always don a wig."

"You talk of centuries so nonchalantly."

"I'm in my fourth such era. Even if I sound nonchalant, please don't think that I am not in awe of what I have seen, experienced and what is yet to come."

"I can't imagine you with long hair," I said as I tried to picture him looking different.

"There are pictures. One day when I get them out of storage, you'll see."

"What do you mean pictures and where do you store things?"

"There are a few paintings that I have in my possession that you can see me, and my hair, in. I am storing quite a few things at Edward's home in Chicago for now."

"Edward's house?"

"The home he grew up in. He still owns it, although he rarely has been in it since his parents passed."

"Why didn't you bring everything to Ashland?"

He paused for a moment. I knew he was thinking about how to respond before he spoke again. "With young vampires, such as Edward and now you, incidents can occur and sometimes it can force you to have to move quickly. So, at least for now, we are traveling lighter – only moving with things that we could live without if we had to leave with nothing."

I understood his meaning. "So, if Edward or I killed someone publically, you could easily flee?"

He nodded.

"Oh. I guess it is good that I have nothing of value."

"Hopefully, we will never have a reason to suddenly flee. It is just a precaution."

"Do you have much of value?"

"My values have changed of recent. There are paintings, books, some trinkets of my human life that mean much to me, and they are safely tucked away in Chicago. But truly the most valuable thing in my life is in that house behind us."

"Edward?" I couldn't help but smile at what I already knew was there.

"You know?"

"My mind may be unwieldy and uncontrollable, but there are some things that it can still comprehend. You two care for each other very much. It is in your eyes and your tone of voice when you speak to him and of him."

"I thought for years that I would always be alone, and then this light came into my life."

"The 'inside my head thing' is getting old and I know it will continue to be frustrating for me, but I know he cares."

"He does. He is worried about you. He may tease, but the things you are experiencing are still so new to him as well. He feels protective of you."

"But he just met me."

"And he is going to know you for a long time."

"And you? Do you feel protective?"

"Of course, and responsible for you, which is why I am wondering why you have chosen to bury yourself in the mud."

"Escaping into the ground without the box," I said flatly.

I heard air catch in his throat. I swallowed and squeezed my eyes closed. I didn't want to upset him, especially when our conversation was progressing so well. He was trying. He had wanted more for me and I was being completely ungrateful. I was a brat.

"I'm sorry. I'm just feeling like such a child. I guess I needed to play in the mud." I sighed. "I just wish I could go to sleep and dream it all away for a while." I pressed my head further into the earth. It was practically up to my ears. I squeezed it between the fingers of my left hand, still resting on the ground.

"Esme," he said with authority again. The youth was gone. "One week and 36 minutes ago, three intoxicated fishermen brought a dead woman in to the morgue at Ashland Hospital. Twelve minutes later, I carried you out the door. Three minutes later, I could see the house as I was running with you, my head screaming for Edward to get out of the house for I feared that your blood would overwhelm him. A minute and 27 seconds later, I bit you. A lot has happened to you, not of your making, in a very short amount of time. You have every right to be frustrated and angry with me."

I sat up then, dragging the mud filling my hair and covering the back of my clothes with me. "I'm not angry with you. I'm frustrated by my own weaknesses."

"But you are not weak."

"I am. I gave in to a scent."

"A scent our kind was meant to give into. It is not without effort that we overcome it. We are predators, but we are not animals. We have the ability to think and reason and that is the key. It can be done and it will be done." He reached over and tilted my chin up to look in his eyes. "I promise you. You will get there."

I stared a moment longer than I felt I should. He looked at me as if he cared so much – perhaps like a father protecting a child more than a doctor and his patient. In that instant, one of those silly impulses over took me as I lopped the mud in my left hand at his chest. My mouth gaped open as it slid down his shirt. He looked down at it with the most peculiar look and then back up at me with one of his perfect eyebrows raised. He spoke slowly, "Are you saying you don't believe me?"

The laughter burst out of me before I could make any effort to contain it and I couldn't stop laughing. He stared at me, trying to maintain his composure; but the more I laughed, the more I could see it slipping, until a goofy grin broke through on his face.

"I'm sorry," I finally breathed out when the laughter had dispersed to giggles. "I don't know why I did that!" I giggled some more. "I guess I really do need to work on my reasoning skills."

He grinned at me, and just shook his head. _He thinks I'm a fool but I can't blame him, I'm acting like one._

I looked away from him, up toward the sky. The rain had stopped and it looked like clouds finally might dissipate.

"Are you ready to get up out of the muck because I am," he said as he climbed to his feet and held a hand out to me, which I gratefully took. In vain, I tried to wipe some of mud off of me. Lying down in it had seemed like such a good idea at the time. I looked up at Carlisle expectantly, realizing that I couldn't deny the venom pooling in my mouth. I needed to hunt.

With just my look he knew and took my hand as we raced into the forest.

After I was fed, we stopped at a stream, which was more like a river today after all the days of rain.

I ran into it and just lay back into the swift moving water, hoping the current would help rid my hair of the caked on mud.

"Esme, be careful," Carlisle called out from nearer the bank.

I planted my feet in the riverbed and looked over at him incredulously. "Because I'm going to be swept away? Hardly."

I leaned forward, dipping my face below the surface, wiping my hands against my face, removing the mixture of blood and dirt from my mouth and cheeks. I turned my head to one side and then the next, to rub the mud from my ears.

I went back to work on my hair. It was a mess. I bent my knees so I could easily dunk it into the water. I tried running my fingers through it but now knowing that this hair was forever, I was trying not to damage it – after all the only thing that could hurt a vampire is a vampire.

I heard him wading closer to me. Perhaps he saw my frustration or sensed my hesitation. He stopped behind me. "Do you need help?"

I turned to look at him once again. He was slightly closer than I thought he was, looking down at me with that same concern in his eyes, eyes that were bright topaz from all his recent hunting activities. His skin tone reflected the grey early morning light and he must have run some water through his hair as it was darker than usual. He really was a dream come to life, but he seemed to be viewing me as a child.

The whine escaped from my lips, as a result of my continued lack of control, before I could think to stop it. "I'm afraid I'll rip it out."

A brilliant understanding, or was it sympathetic, smile took over his mouth. "Turn around and kneel down. It isn't very deep," he said and I did as he commanded.

His fingertips lightly touched my scalp and delicately began running through it, removing the mess of my own making. I felt a sensation similar to goose bumps on my head where he touched it. Strand by strand, he separated and scrubbed with his fingers.

He spoke up as he continued to work. "You know, my dear, you haven't stopped breathing since I sat down next to you back near the house. Have you been thinking about it?"

I was surprised by this revelation and my excitement was instantly peaked. "No I haven't! I stopped thinking about it when we were still back there."

"It's still slightly fast for a human who hasn't just run a race, but the act itself seems to becoming second nature. That is a huge step in such a short amount of time."

I was beaming for my success and the words coming out of his mouth. There was a slight measure of pride and awe in his tone that I liked and I looked forward to hearing it again.

I giggled. I hated these emotional swings that were running my body but I spoke anyway. "So maybe my gift is that I'm a good breather," I teased.

Carlisle laughed as he pulled at my shoulder slightly to get me to lower my hair under the water for one final raking through. When he pulled me back up, he declared my head mud free and I thanked him as he took my arm and lead me out of the stream.

I wrung out the hems of the clothes I was wearing and my hair and watched him do the same. It kept me from dripping, but I would only be able to get dry when we got back to the house.

We started walking back and I asked him the same question I asked before, "So, I'm guessing from your reaction that breathing is not my gift?"

I glanced over at him to see the smile take over his expression. _He should always smile._

"No. That is one that we all get eventually."

"So what do you think my gift is?"

He looked over at me, the smile not quite as wide, as he seemed to study the curiosity that I was sure was marring my face. "I'm not sure yet."

"Not even a guess?"

"Not yet. It can take time for it to be made known. We'll just have to wait and see what element of human Esme manifests itself so spectacularly in vampire Esme."

I didn't want to wait. I wanted to know. Maybe I eventually could share Carlisle's gift and be immune to human blood. It seemed like a good thing to strive for, but it seemed like it could require more strength than I ever could muster.

"My ability to teach or learn?" I asked. "Maybe I'm now the best teacher or best student."

"I've never seen a gift that was that specific, Esme." He glanced at me again. "Just be patient."

Suddenly, he stopped walking and I did the same in response to his action. He was staring straight ahead at something I hadn't seen since I awoke. Sunlight finally had appeared and was streaming through the clearing at the back of the house as we approached through the forest.

I looked over at him and realized he was listening for anything or anyone. Satisfied he turned to me…and was there mischief behind Dr. Cullen's grin? "Finally, there is sunshine and I can answer your question about what the sun does to us."

I nodded and he took my hand as we made our way to the edge of the clearing, our feet stopping within a foot of where the sun was touching the ground. I stared at the brightened wet sod and then over at his face and found him looking at me. I felt anxious.

"You asked me what happened when I went in the sun and I told you I would show you. Watch my hand."

He leaned forward, his fingertips pushing past the invisible barrier into the bright natural light. I watched as more light seemed to be coming off his hand – reflecting the light. _Reflecting the light!_

It was like his skin was encrusted with a million tiny jewels. Before I knew it, I had rushed the step forward to his hand and unbuttoned his cuff with only minor damage, rolling up his sleeve, and with a slight tug was inspecting his forearm in the sunlight.

"It is beautiful," I whispered as ran my fingers over his bare arm, suddenly realizing my hands were sparkling as well. I stepped back and held out my hands with a squeal. It was amazing. I separated my fingers, turning over my palms to the light and saw that there was no place that I didn't shine. "How is this possible?" I was excited as I turned to Carlisle for the answer.

The look of wonderment on his face was priceless. Was that look for me? I wouldn't know as he began to speak, "When our cells harden they become almost marble like and these cells refract light…"

"And we sparkle!" I didn't know why I was so excited about this but it was so pretty and on him it was beautiful. I reached out and tugged on his arms and he came with me into the sunlight. His stunning face was dazzling. I couldn't stop myself as I lifted my fingers to touch his cheek, my skin shining against him, his light refracting off my own. I couldn't take my eyes away until I finally looked up into his.

Was he amused? Nervous? Was he humoring me? Did he think I was crazy? Or was he fighting the urge to touch my face? Whatever it was, he had enough as he removed my hand from his cheek and held it in his own and now I knew the emotion I saw. It was sadness. "While it may amaze you dear, you can see why we may be a little disconcerting to humans. It is what relegates us to the night. It is only direct sunlight that causes it so we can get away with being outside when it is overcast, but that comes with risk. So, to avoid the risk, we limit our time outside in the daylight."

I closed my eyes as I held my face up toward the sun to feel its warmth. It felt different on my new skin – like the temperature was different – but I had always loved being out in the sunshine and I would enjoy the moment because I knew that it wouldn't last.

I waited for him to take my hand and tell me to come inside, but he silently held onto it. After several minutes, I lowered my face, opening my eyes to look at him. What was he seeing when he looked back in my eyes? He finally spoke. "We should go inside so you can change your clothes."

I nodded and followed him into the house. Edward was sitting in a chair near the door and rose to his feet as we came in. "Welcome home. Are you alright Esme?"

I nodded. "I'm fine. Thank you. I'm going to get changed out of these wet clothes before I need to hunt again."

I squeezed Carlisle's hand in mine before letting go. "Thank you." I wasn't exactly sure what I was thanking him for but I knew I needed to say the words.

"You're welcome."

I glanced back at them as I headed down the hall to my room. I saw them looking directly at each other and I knew they were having a silent conversation.

I closed the door of my sparsely furnished room. Everything about this place was meager, except for the over abundance of antler décor.

I still didn't know how he had managed to secure a hunters lodge 26.7 miles north of Virginia in just a few hours during our last day in Ashland. Of course buying the place sight unseen had its downfall too since the lodge was more like a cabin. It was furnished, but as it was a place for men to recline, everything was utilitarian and basic. The only accents were the prizes of the former owner, which meant antlers and stuffed big game heads.

It was a good place to keep me, they explained. I was away from the population but Carlisle could quickly and easily run to Virginia and its new medical facility once he began working. He also would purchase a home in town for appearances and the hope was eventually, Edward and I would join him there permanently.

I lightly went through my ever diminishing pile of clothes. He had picked up anything that would fit me from the store in Ashland but whatever I wore was usually rags by the time I got back from hunting. Not only was the shirt I was wearing ripped at the left shoulder, the right elbow and across my midriff, it was also stained with blood and mud. The pants weren't much better.

I changed quickly into similar shirt and pants and sat down on the rickety bed to let Edward and Carlisle finish their conversation. Carlisle didn't talk at all and Edward was speaking in hushed tones that I knew were not meant for my ears. If I had focused on it, I could have heard him but I chose not to invade their privacy.

I instead focused on replaying this early morning in my mind. The muddy conversation, the hunt, the clean-up and the glorious sunshine. His fingers on my scalp, his shimmering face, his eyes. He didn't see me. He saw this panicky child. Powerful, but frightened. His eyes pitied me. I wanted him to see me differently. No, I _needed_ him to see me differently.

**Thank for the reviews and the feedback. Not only is it great to hear it, but it also motivates and inspires me as well. Please keep the reviews coming. I may not respond immediately, but I do try to personally respond to every review. FYI, if you block private messages, then I cannot reply. **

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**Next up: Esme gets to know Edward. **


	4. Edward

_July 1921_

It had been three and a half weeks since the day I wallowed in the mud and first saw what the sun did to our skin. I seemed to be doing better although the constant thirst, at times, felt debilitating.

Today, a new routine began. Carlisle started working.

He was anxious. "I could delay a few more days." He spoke out loud, looking at Edward.

"Carlisle, we'll be fine. Esme will be fine; she's full at the moment. It is a little more than eight hours. If she doesn't last that long, I'll take her out and we'll head north away from the town."

"Only go if you absolutely have to."

"Of course," Edward said as he walked with Carlisle to the door. He patted him on the back as he opened the door. "Have a good first night at work."

Carlisle, medical bag in hand, looked back into the room to where I was standing by the sofa. I could see the hesitation in his eyes. I assured him, "Edward is right, I will be fine. Have a good evening."

Carlisle nodded at me, and gave Edward one more look. He wished us both a good evening, and was gone.

Edward's eyes stayed fixed on the closed door for a minute. He then turned to me with mischief in his smile.

"Well now that he is finally gone, we can have some fun."

_What kind of fun_, I warily thought, but I didn't have to say it out loud.

He laughed. "Don't worry, Esme. We're not going to get into any kind of trouble."

He walked over to the upright piano against the wall. Items from Ashland had arrived at the house in Virginia two days ago. Carlisle and Edward ensured that some things made it here to make the place more comfortable.

He ran his hand across the top of it before flipping open the lid, exposing the keys. "I've seen that you admire this, and I know you play. You even taught your sister to play."

I nodded.

"You're still having trouble with tempering your strength. Your fingers, at times, are annihilating things even though you are concentrating so hard on applying the right pressure. "

He sat down on the bench, and his fingers began moving over the keys. His fingers were quick, agile and graceful as ragtime music filled the air. His foot pounded the pedal, but it didn't break. I soon found myself standing beside the piano watching him play. He was amazing.

"Amazing may be a little much, Esme, but I do love it."

"How long have you been playing?"

"I probably started playing around the same age as you. I was drawn to it when I was a toddler. I smashed my fingers in the lid many times trying to lift it to get to the keys. Around three my parents just started leaving it open."

"I was six. It was not long after my sister was born. My grandmother taught me."

"The one you were named after?"

"Yes."

"And then you taught your sister?"

He was trying to draw out my past. I suppressed the foggy image of Millie. I wasn't ready to go back there.

"I won't force you to talk about what you are not ready to talk about. I hope someday you will, and sooner rather than later before it fades away."

"Why do you care?" I asked, instantly sorry for the bitterness in the question.

If my harsh tone bothered Edward, he didn't show it as he said, "It made you who you are. Even though you tried to move forward without that past, it still went with you. It defines you."

"Not completely," I mumbled.

"True. You broke some rules along the way."

"So your mother taught you to play." I stated, changing the subject.

He didn't fight me, and continued to play, a peaceful smile crossing his lips. "Yes, she did. She loved to play. My father bought her a piano as a wedding gift. Some of my earliest memories are sitting on her lap as she played. I would place my hands on hers as they moved over the keys, feeling her fingers move up and down. When I got older, our hands reversed and she would guide my fingers. Then one day, she was able to let go and I was able to do it on my own. She continued to teach me though, although I went from her lap to sitting next to her on the bench."

He slid over slightly, patted the bench next to him and smiled.

"But I already know how to play." I protested.

"I know but I destroyed a few pianos before I was able to get the motion just right. At the moment, you are not allowed to place a finger on this piano."

"How many pianos?" I smirked as I lightly took the offered seat.

"Five. I didn't get further than touching the keys the first time before it was a pile of rubble. The second I started playing very gently, but then I put my foot on the pedal and that was the end of that. The other three were various mistakes."

"How long have you had this one?"

"Fourteen months now with not even a cracked key. Let's keep it that way. Carlisle says he won't even consider something more than an upright until I have one that survives two years, so you can't put your fingers through it."

"So why am I sitting here?"

He stopped playing, but kept his fingers positioned over the keys. "Rest your hands on top of mine."

I hesitated.

"Hesitation? You are usually so impulsive, Esme. That's a good sign." He slowly took my left hand with his right and placed it on top of his left, placing my fingers on his. My hand looked small, my fingers ending just past his knuckles. He started playing slowly, deliberately, with his left hand. I felt his digits go up and down with such little effort, and just the right amount of force.

"The right amount of force was always the difficult part early on. You are coming along much faster than I did."

"Because I'm a delicate girl." I teased.

"Probably. You don't throw your weight around as much as I did. You got the dressing yourself down faster than I did."

"That was more of necessity to save us all the embarrassment."

He added his right hand to the tune, and I placed my hand on top of his, and it felt like I was playing by proxy. The song was not familiar to me.

"It's an Edward original."

"So you compose music as well." I truly was impressed.

"I've always had an ear for music and I play around coming up with original material too."

"It's beautiful."

"Thank you."

I hated to interrupt his song, but after a few minutes, I asked, "Can we try something I know? A song where I will know where my fingers should be going?"

A familiar tune I played many times in church started playing below his fingers.

"Is that better?"

"Did you catch that one in my head?"

"No, but I caught a flash of you playing before a choir in what looked like a church. What church choir hasn't performed this?"

"You're very perceptive."

"And so are you. I'm just built that way, but you have intuition."

"Is that what you see in my head?"

"Among other things," he said with a low chuckle and continued right into another familiar tune. "So ask me what you have been wondering."

"And what question is that, oh knower of everything in my head?" I asked with a laugh.

"You would be more sensitive to the phrasing than I will be."

"I don't know what you want me to ask." I truly did not know.

"Am I mad at you or annoyed that you are here?"

His actions at times made me wonder, but I never would have asked it out loud.

"Oh. Well, you get snippy with Carlisle. You did it the night I woke up, and every once in a while you will say something with a tone that is disrespectful. I see how much he cares about you and you him, so I guess the one cause for animosity is me."

"Again you are observant, but you are off with your observations. I was angry and annoyed at him for bringing you home. For doing to you what he did to me. I couldn't fault you for that. It wasn't your choice. For a man who is so measured, thoughtful, and just in every aspect of his life, the decision to bring you home was completely reckless and unfair to you."

"Why did you think that?" I was agitated by the insistence in his voice.

"You had made your choice; you didn't want to go on. I wasn't ready to leave this earth yet. I was 17 years old. I hadn't even finished secondary school or decided what I wanted to do with my life. The immediate future was graduating and then joining the army the day I turned 18."

"Why would you have wanted to do that?"

"I wanted to serve my country. My older friends already had enlisted and shipped out. I wanted to join them."

I didn't like even the thought of Edward in battle.

"But you were just a boy! Serving your country is not something to take so lightly…" I paused to compose myself. "To do it because your friends are doing it. It changes people."

"It changed your husband."

"At first I thought for the better but that was very short lived."

Edward tensed next to me as the blurred but unforgettable events, even in this life, of the 48 hours surrounding Charles return from Europe. I let my mind go blank as quickly as I could; forcing those thoughts to sink back into my subconscious.

He grabbed my hand to comfort me, but I jumped off the bench.

"I'm sorry you saw that." _I don't know what to say._

"You don't have to say anything, Esme. That said enough. I told you before, when you are ready. Carlisle feels the same."

"Thank you," I mumbled as I sat back down on the bench. Edward repositioned his fingers over the keys, and I placed mine over his once again as a new tune began.

"So you were mad at Carlisle for making a decision for me that I wouldn't have made?"

He nodded. "That was part of it. The other concern, and it is one that I believe we are all struggling with in our ways, is that you are a woman." I detected a smirk at the corner of his mouth. "It has been a bit complicated. I was worried about your comfort with two strange men who just also happen to be vampires. Weird doesn't begin to describe finding out you're a vampire. At least I had one on one, man to man, when he changed me. An independent woman like you, waking up to this life with us for companions – I understood why you felt like Alice at the bottom of a rabbit hole. Plus throw in just the wardrobe complications and the embarrassment." He definitely was smirking now, and I nudged him in response. "Ow, you need to work on throwing around your weight, Esme."

"Sorry."

"No, I'm just teasing," he said with a smile. "But you have surprised me. Beside the mud incident, you seem to be taking things pretty well and learning quickly….so while I have promised not to discuss your past until you're are ready, I can't help but wonder about your present. I know at times you are angry, but with your mind jumping all over the place, I can't always tell where it is directed, but I wonder if it is at us. Please don't misunderstand my meaning with the following. I'm happy you are here, but if I had the will or the time to stop him, I would have tried."

I contemplated his inquiry before quietly responding. "My anger is not directed toward either of you. If anything, I get angry at myself."

"Whatever for?"

"For not being in control. For every lesson learned about my behavior and for every triumph I have, there are a hundred more I must overcome. It's maddening. How could I be angry with you? You have done nothing but try to help. Now some of the humor along the way hasn't been helpful but sometimes your levity is exactly what I need."

"That's why I'm here – to keep things light."

We both chuckled and this time I squeezed his hand affectionately.

"And Carlisle?"

I chose my words and thoughts carefully. "I'm not mad at Carlisle either, at least not today. There are moments of frustration when I question why this has happened to me, but then I wonder who am I questioning? If there is a God, at least in the sense that I was raised to believe in, what purpose could he have been possibly testing me for with everything he put me through? The pain, the loss, the grief for what? To have me end my life only to wake as this creature? If there is a God, he has proven himself unjust. Carlisle did what he felt he needed to do in that moment, just as hours before I had done what I needed to do, which was to jump. God didn't catch me. God didn't send angels down to bring me up to heaven. God left me there and Carlisle was the one who made the decision. Maybe God's plan was to punish me for taking my life by sending me to this life; maybe he decided to put me in the arms of a different kind of angel or maybe there is no God at all."

"Very philosophical Esme, but how does that relate to your anger?"

A flash of my humanity popped in my head – images from dreams and the experience of a sixteen year old girl. Edward knew. He had to know how I felt, because as much as I tried, I couldn't always avoid my thoughts. I just wasn't good enough at guarding my thoughts yet.

"You never forgot him. I know that and he in a way knows that." Edward said with understanding. "He doesn't know as much as I know, but, Esme, that is your story to tell."

"And what does he think? What does he feel?" I eagerly asked.

He shook his head. "Again, not my place. Just because I can see doesn't mean I wish to confess all. I struggle knowing your private thoughts as much as you struggle with the fact that you know that I know. Despite the fact that I do at times put things out there, I'm not a gossip."

"I'm sorry I asked."

"It's alright," he paused before continuing. "Carlisle is a bit worried that you will decide to go off on your own once you are no longer a newborn."

I was surprised by this concern. I had never for a moment thought about leaving. "What? Where would I go? What would I do?" The pitch of my voice was rising as the words fell out of my mouth. " Why would he even think that? Does he want me to leave?"

"No, not at all, but since you were so independent."

"Out of necessity. I did what I had to do."

"I'm sure he would rather discuss this with you. I'm out of turn. I'm sorry. But I'm happy to hear that the idea has not crossed your mind."

"I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

_Three weeks later…_

Edward was excited but since this was a competition, he was focused. "Alright, on the count of three. To the edge of the lake."

"What do I get if I win?" I asked as I twisted my toe in dirt, trying to act as if I didn't care.

"Bragging rights for another few months."

"And if you win?"

"Bragging rights for eternity." He said with a twisted smile.

I sternly looked at him and argued, "That hardly seems like a fair exchange."

"Well then I guess I will continue to hold onto the title of fastest vampire we know since you are too scared to accept the challenge."

I grumbled. "Alright. Fine. Make sure there is nothing that is going to distract me out there."

"You just ate."

I stared at him. "Fine." I could see him concentrating, looking for any signs that a human was out there in the forest. "Nothing. Are you finished procrastinating?"

"I'm going to leave you in the dust." I stated with confidence.

I positioned myself as Edward began to count.

"One…two…three."

I took off like a shot. I could hear him to my left, keeping even with my strides. I put a little more energy into it and pulled ahead. I kept getting further and further ahead. I realized that Edward's fastest at the moment couldn't compare to my speed.

Carlisle had been against us racing. We were not. He was worried about the unknown if I got too far ahead. While Carlisle was incredibly fast, Edward was faster, and, I believe I was in the process of proving, I was fastest. He worried that if there was someone out there, they couldn't catch up to me before I attacked. That is why Edward checked and we weren't going too far.

I slammed my heels down at the edge of the water. Edward was at my side seconds later.

"Alright, I admit defeat. You are the fastest, at least for now."

"Thank you for being so gracious," I said sarcastically. "You weren't that far behind. Is running a gift?"

"Well I did play some sports in school."

"Really? A musician and an athlete. Your parents must have been so proud."

He shrugged. "They were supportive."

We started to stroll the few miles back toward the house. The race may have been at vampire speed, but now was the time to practice walking at a human's pace.

"What did you play?"

"I ran track and played baseball."

"And I'm sure you were exceptionally well at both."

"I ran at the state finals but our baseball team wasn't that good."

"What position did you play?"

"Do you know anything about baseball?"

I laughed. "Yes, I had men in my life who were fans. They cheered for the local team, but when it came to the majors, they all cheered for the Reds. Also, to my mother's dismay, I would play in the yard with the farmhands when I was a child. Even silly girls can figure out something as simple as baseball."

"I didn't mean to offend you. I was an infielder – usually first base."

"White Soxs or Cubs?"

"Wow, that is impressive. Cubs."

"Before or after 1919?"

His brow creased in thought, the smile temporarily disappearing. "I wasn't really focused on baseball that year, so before and always the Cubs."

"I guess not." I said quietly.

An air of happiness mixed with a bit of sadness took over his face and his voice. "I used to go to games at West Side Park with my father. Those games are some of my favorite memories from growing up. He had connections to the team through his law firm. My first game was Game 4 of the 1910 World Series. It was the only game they won in the series. We went to our last game together at Weeghman Park about a week before he starting getting ill. They won both games at a doubleheader against the Phillies. We had such a great time that day. Baseball is something I always will miss since it is always in the day and in good weather."

"How are they doing this season?"

"There's still time to turn it around."

"Tell me more about your parents."

"Both were born and raised in Chicago. My father was a lawyer. He worked long hours. When he was home though, he was there. Don't get me wrong, he sometimes had work to take care of, but my mother and I came first."

"What was his name?"

"Edward Anthony Masen, Sr."

"You're a junior then?"

"Yes but no one called me junior. With my mother, you could tell which one of us she was addressing with the tone of her voice."

"And what was her name?"

"Elizabeth."

"Another 'E' name." I said with a smile.

Edward paused for a moment before joking, "Yes, I don't know how Carlisle got into the family with that "C" name."

I laughed, "You think of us as a family?"

"It feels more familiar than friendship, don't you agree?" He said with great enthusiasm.

It was starting to in some ways. As time was passing, it was getting easier to accept my fate.

"I think we have a ways to go but we're getting there."

We walked in silent for a moment before I asked my next question.

"What was your mother like?"

His face lit up. There was not a trace of sadness as he spoke of Elizabeth. "You remind me of her a bit. Not in your looks but in your personalities. She had a big heart. She was always happy. She made our home so warm. She cared about everyone, but she treated my father and me like we were her stars and her moon."

"I'm sure you were, Edward. I'm sure she adored you. Did you have any siblings or extended family around?"

"No. They were only ever able to have me. My grandparents had all passed on. My father's brother's family moved to San Francisco about ten years ago. My mother's sister married a man from Atlanta who was attending Northwestern. She moved back to Atlanta with him when he finished his education. My mother also had a brother who wandered from place to place – every few years or so he would send a postcard from some foreign land. I think that may have been why she doted on me so much."

"She doted on you because she loved you and she was your mother. There was nothing more precious in her life than you."

"You're too kind, Esme."

"Not at all."

When he spoke now, it was with melancholy. "I miss them. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about them. I'm worried about losing them completely so I grasp onto thoughts of them and try to hold on."

I tried to offer him some encouragement. I hated to see him unhappy. "I'm sure you won't lose something that important. Look at how much Carlisle still remembers."

"True, but I think the daily repetition helps."

"And you should think of them. No matter what you are now, they raised you and made you who you are today. And from everything I see in you, I'm sure they were incredible people, and I wish I had known them."

The next thing I knew, Edward was embracing me. It took me by surprise. Ida had been the last person to hug me. I hadn't experienced this in so long, but it felt natural to hold him in this moment – to let him know how highly I esteemed and cared about him.

He let go gently. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to surprise you."

"It's fine, Edward. You're right. We are more family now just by nature of who and what we are. I would rather embrace that idea than be strangers just living together for our mutual protection."

"I'm happy to hear you say that."

"So I guess I'm your big sister than?"

"Well I don't know about that…after all, I'm the one giving lessons." He teased.

"OH! So we are counting in vampire years…"

"Which makes me way older."

"Ha! And what does that make Carlisle?"

"The old man? Well I guess that makes him pop."

"You do mean the old man teasingly right?"

"Of course. Race you the rest of the way."

"Sure. Go!" I unfairly yelled as I took off ahead of him again.

* * *

_Two weeks later…_

It had been nearly a month and a half since Carlisle started leaving me alone with Edward while he went off to work. When Carlisle was home, it was a routine of hunting and education.

Hunting was always the first order of business the moment he walked in the door. If I made it through the whole night without Edward having to take me out, I usually was ravenous by morning. My hunting skill had shown little improvement, although my wardrobe, while not completely unscathed, was surviving more intact than it was earlier in this new life.

My education was everything from stories and lessons learned from the centuries Carlisle had lived in this life. It also was simple things such as learning to act human through gestures and other movements. It was so much to take in and I knew it could be years, if not decades, before I felt comfortable with who I had become. At times I was incredibly frustrated.

Meanwhile, when Carlisle was out, Edward and I were getting along swimmingly. He had his own set of lessons to teach me. As a newer vampire, and someone closer in my age when it came to years on this earth, he was easier to relate to than overwhelming Carlisle, who was this evening's topic of conversation.

"You two seem so close." I said.

"It wasn't always that way. I fought Carlisle off early on. It is easier with you because there are two of us and one of you. I did some damage to him, but he knows it was being a newborn, not me personally attacking him. He was so patient. I was just as panicked and disjointed as you were, and sometimes still are."

"But you grew to respect him." It was more of a statement than a question.

"With time," Edward glanced over at me and continued. "I remembered him taking care of me in the hospital. I remembered my mother, looking so sick, getting to my bedside and I barely being able to speak with her. I didn't know what time of day it was then. He often would be the one to retrieve her, and get her back to her bed. I realize now it was because she was sneaking out of her ward at night to see me so he was always the one working."

"Do you remember him taking you out of the hospital?"

"Barely. I was dying. My fever was out of control and I was delirious. Nothing seemed real and most of it wasn't. I don't remember him taking me to the morgue. I don't remember him leaving the building with me. I do remember staring up at the stars for a few moments as he ran across the roofs. I remember him saying, 'Everything is going to be alright, Edward.' I must have passed out again because the next thing I remember is the pain."

"How awful."

His mouth was in a straight line, and I could see in his eyes that he remembered what it felt like to burn. "I was more alert during the transformation than you were. As sick as I was, I didn't have the physical injuries that your body needed to recover from."

"You were awake?" I couldn't imagine being completely alert and not being able to do anything about the pain.

"I was, so Carlisle explained what was happening to me as it was happening. I think in some ways it was easier for me because by the time my heart stopped beating, I knew what I was becoming. You on the other hand were stuck in your head, thinking you were in hell. You had to play catch up."

"It was so strange and it still is."

"Yes it is, but easier with time."

"But how could he handle you on his own when you were a bloodthirsty newborn?" My own newborn agitation was surfacing as I felt frustrated for Edward's situation.

"The best he could. He explained a lot to me in the same way that he continues to educate you. Imparting knowledge seems to be key – getting your mind focused on something other than bloodlust."

"But the thirst never goes away."

"No, and it won't, but it gets easier to control."

"You made mistakes."

When I glanced at him now, he appeared older to me – as if the events surrounding his transformation aged him…or forced him to mature. "If that's what you want to call them. Yes, I killed several humans early on."

"Several?"

"Four to be exact." I swallowed involuntarily. "That worries you?"

"What did that do to you?"

"The first two times it happened, I didn't realize what I had done until it was over. In the moment, the senses are so primal, I just attacked. The other times, I realized what I was doing, but my mind couldn't overcome my urge…my need."

"How did you feel?"

"In the moment, it felt perfect – like for once in this life I was on the right path. That I needed this blood to make me whole." His mind was somewhere else, but he grimaced as he spoke again. "Carlisle is always so understanding. I wanted him to scream at me. Tell me what I did was wrong, but that isn't Carlisle. He knows punishing me or scolding me isn't going to fix what can't be undone. He has helped me deal with my emotions and feelings in the wake of my errors and encouraged me to not do it again. Every time, I have hoped it would not, but it has. Although it has been more than a year now since my last fatal mistake."

"I can't imagine the burden and the pain," I whispered.

"It isn't easy. I hope it is something you will never experience, but realistically, you most likely will."

"But I'm focusing on animals. Why can't I be like Carlisle?" I argued.

"Because no one is like Carlisle." He stated quickly, as his voice rose with a sense of awe. "The control he has, it just doesn't exist among our kind. You think my gift is powerful, well his is Godlike. For him to be able to completely disengage from craving what we desire more than anything else…to deal with open wounds…to cut humans open…that should not be possible for our kind no matter how many years of discipline. No matter how many lifetimes we exist on this earth, we will not find another like him. I can almost promise you that."

"So he's 'special?'"

"To say the least. If we had to end up like this, we couldn't have ended up with anyone better than him." I could see the admiration he felt all over his face.

"He is a good man."

"You knew it then and you see it more clearly now."

"Knew 'it' when?"

"As a patient, when you were sixteen."

"Stop it Edward." _I don't like this._ But it didn't stop Edward this time.

"You dreamed about him for ten years."

"First of all, dreams are not reality. And second, I was married for four years of that ten year period. Do you think that is something I'm not ashamed of?"

"Maybe it was hinting of something that was meant to be."

"Edward! No. He treats me like a child. Brother, sister and father. Remember?" I was trying to reign in my frustration.

He sighed. "Maybe he's just an educator, trying to teach Miss Platt some lessons."

"Technically, I'm Mrs. Evenson."

"Technically, you're dead."

"But there is no record of that."

"Or you are Mrs. Barstow. There is no record of my death either."

"Which is how you held onto the house in Chicago?"

"Exactly. I sent letters off to my faraway family members letting them know of my parents passing. I told them I was closing up the house and traveling the world….and will never be seen again. Maybe a postcard now and then like my crazy uncle used to do."

"He was crazy?"

"You like to change the subject."

_You are absolutely right._

"Edward, I already had let go of my family when I fled Columbus."

"Carlisle said you were a straight A student."

"Now who's changing the subject? I bet you were a good student too."

"All A's and B's."

"He really doesn't forget a thing."

"That's wonderful though. What an amazing accomplishment for a gi-"

"For a girl?

He shrugged. "Yes. I'm sure how bright you are benefited your students greatly when you were a teacher."

"I'd like to think so. I would think I could have done so much more for them with more schooling."

"More education?"

"Exactly."

"Like Carlisle has educated me and now you – to make us better. So we can do more and be more than thoughtless killers."

_But what if I'm not strong enough? What if I can never learn to resist human blood? _

"It will always be a challenge but you have a huge amount of strength in you. He sees that you know."

_I also have a lot of weakness. I'm broken. In so many ways I'm broken. _

"You are stronger than you think. Talk to him. Open up to him. In many ways, he is more equipped to help you with your…issues than I ever could. I'm just a stupid kid."

"No you are not. Don't ever say that! You are helping me so much."

"I'll always be here whenever you need me, but more than you consciously realize, you need him."

He lifted his fingers off mine, which had been playing over the piano absentmindedly while we spoke. I paused, my fingers frozen above the keys.

"I trust you, Esme. Trust yourself."

I looked at him, and nodded before gently playing the song from church that he played on my first day of 'lessons.' There were no errors. Every note was correct. When Carlisle got home the next morning, I had been playing nonstop for hours and the piano was completely intact.

* * *

**Thank you for the reviews!**

**Thank you to TheCullenPixie, and Say Goodbye Again and Klooqy at Project Team Beta.**

**I put a lot research into this story and thank you to everyone who has noticed and acknowledged. Virginia, Minnesota is a real town. I chose it mainly because in 1936 it became the home of the Virginia Regional Medical Center. My feeling is that there must have been some kind of medical facility there before that time for it to be decided to build a hospital there. It also had industry and was surrounded by lots of nothing, i.e. wilderness.**

**I hope this chapter may feel a bit slow, but it is about establishing the characters' relationships. Things will speed up again very soon.**

**FYI: I had the opportunity to attend the Twilight Saga: Eclipse Convention in LA last week and I saw the movie this past Monday night. Check out my twitter account, ohmycarlisle, to see links to pictures from the convention. Eclipse, the movie, is fantastic. Fans are going to love it!**

**I'm very excited about the next chapter. I think you will be too! **


	5. A Fatal Mistake

_October 1921 _

The early morning sun refracted off the edge of my finger as I gently turned the page of my well-worn copy of Jane Eyre. I smiled in spite of myself. With the sun, came the morning, and with the morning came Carlisle.

"He's not far," Edward called from the piano, interrupting my thoughts. He had been tinkering on a new piece for the last two hours.

_I'm thirsty, _I thought quickly as I tried to catch his scent through the open window in front of me. The air had been still for most of the night, but as the sky began to turn pink, a light breeze began to move through the air. It was October and the leaves were changing – there was a scent for the dryness of them as they lost their greens and turned into a million different hues of reds, oranges, yellows, purples and browns. The crispness, as a human I would have described, had its own scent, and I felt its cool, arid touch on my skin. Carlisle's scent wasn't mingling with it.

"It's not blowing in the right direction."

_Shut up!_

He laughed as he always did, "I don't know how you can even think about that since you are very thirsty. I can almost taste it."

I closed the novel, placing it on the table next to me and walked toward the piano. "Maybe you should stay out of my head."

"Maybe you shouldn't think so loudly."

"Would that make a difference?"

"No, I'm sorry, it wouldn't."

I placed my hands on the top of the upright as he continued to play, positioning myself so I could see the front door.

"A little eager, Esme?" Edward teased.

I swatted at his shoulder but he dodged it with a grin, his fingers still on the keys as he pounded out the first chords of a familiar Mendelssohn tune.

"Edward! That is not funny!"

"Shh! He's getting into hearing range."

"But you said before-"

"Oh, you thought I could hear him before," he said innocently with a smirk.

"Edward!" I didn't continue as I could hear him quickly approaching. I took a short breath in anticipation and bore my eyes into Edward as he chuckled.

The front door opened and we both turned toward it. I was sure Edward's smirk was still evident and the look on my face was probably a little too happy, but we were met by Carlisle's beautiful grin, showing that he too was glad to be home.

"She's pretty hungry," Edward spoke first.

"Edward, I can speak for myself," I insisted, annoyed that he reminded me of this fact, which I had forgotten for a brief moment as my eyes met Carlisle's.

"And good morning to you both," Carlisle said with a chuckle as he set down his medical bag. "Do you need to go right now, Esme?"

I was too focused on the fire in my throat now and my hand reached for it. I swallowed, but as always, it did nothing to still the feeling without blood flowing down it. I nodded.

"I'm sorry. I'm not even giving you a moment to sit."

"I don't need to sit, dear. It's fine. I'll sit later. Let's take care of your needs first."

I was at the back door in an instant, waiting impatiently for Edward and Carlisle. It was early, but the sun was out so it would be an exercise in stealth as we stuck to the shadows as much as possible. I was wearing an outfit that we had bought in multiples and was jokingly, my hunting uniform: dark pants, a long sleeved shirt, a knee length coat and a hat, which I pinned into my hair to keep it from flying off. I usually went through one or more of these items per hunting outing.

With Carlisle working nights, the only time for me to safely hunt was during the daylight, but there was no guarantee of overcast skies. Our home was so far away from town, though, the likelihood of coming across any human was small. It didn't mean that we would mitigate the chances that anyone could catch a glimpse of our sparkling skin.

Carlisle and Edward quickly were at my side. "There was a herd of deer heading in a northeasterly direction as I was coming home. If we head due east, I'm sure we will intercept them."

The breeze that had been coming in the window earlier was picking up, blowing at our sides as we moved in the direction that Carlisle had recommended. I quickly caught the scent and shifted my course, speeding up out in front of my two companions, desperate for relief. I was getting closer. My meal would be in my grasp in just a few seconds, but then the wind changed direction.

I rounded quickly in the direction of this new scent that was more powerful and more appealing than the herd of deer. It filled my nostrils, my throat and my lungs. I had to go to it. _I had to have it._

As arms tried to grab me, I ducked. I snarled, sticking out my arm, taking him down at the knees. I dodged left then right, grabbing the other's shoulder and slamming him into a tree, the bark splintering in the air as I took off.

I was out ahead, running as fast as I could toward the scent that I craved with such abandon. I was putting distance between my pursuers and myself. They would not catch up. They would not take this away from me when I needed it so much.

I was gaining on it. It didn't know I was coming as I closed in on it. 200 yards…100 yards….50… I leapt up in the air growling as I landed on top of the animal, throwing it to the ground as it cried out in surprise.

My fingers dug into its flesh as my teeth sunk into its neck, and immediately I felt more relief as the blood flowed down my throat than with any other animal so far. Why had they been holding out on me? Nothing had ever tasted this good. Why would I ever want or need to drink anything else? There could be nothing better. The creature tried to bleat again, but only gurgled as it was quickly losing consciousness. I greedily drained it, spilling its blood onto my clothes as I tried to drink as quickly and as much as possible. I hoped there was more of this animal around because I would want more when I was done with this one. I was sure of it. It was perfect.

"Does she have any idea?"

"No, she thinks it's an animal. She's going to be very upset with herself."

"I don't have to read her mind to know that, Edward."

_What were they prattling on about? _

"There's no point now. Let her finish. For the moment she feels amazing."

_Of course I do. This tastes amazing! Were you keeping this for yourself? _My head screamed at Edward.

I closed my eyes as I savored the last drops trickling down my throat. I felt so clear, happy even. I wanted more, but I could bask in this taste for a while.

My hand released the soft, fine fur in my fingers. As my lips pulled away, I opened my eyes, seeing anew – my eyes focusing on what was before me, searching to discover what kind of animal could satisfy me that much.

I saw pale flesh.

White.

A neck.

A jaw.

A face.

The screech was piercing, filling the forest, sending birds and animals scattering for miles.

It was another moment before I realized that the scream was coming from me and I couldn't stop.

"Edward! Go if you need to!" Carlisle yelled.

"I'll take care of the body. She has more blood on her. The body is empty." Edward said through clenched teeth.

"I can take care of both."

"She needs _you_! Get her out of here!"

My eyes never left the boy's face. He couldn't have been much younger than Edward and I had just stolen his life. I had killed him. I had murdered an innocent child.

I was still screaming as Carlisle lifted me up into his arms and ran me away from the scene of the crime.

My screams turned into empty, uncontrollable sobs. I couldn't get the image of the dead boy out of my head. I couldn't get the scent out of my nose and my throat…and I still wanted more. I was hideous.

I couldn't look at Carlisle. I threw my head back and cried to the sky. I could feel his eyes constantly glancing down at me, but I wouldn't meet them. He kept saying things, trying to be reassuring but laced with worry, "Esme, you are going to be alright."

For all my screaming and crying, I felt like a million pounds had been strapped to me. I couldn't move. I felt so heavy in his arm.

He flew in the back door of the house, the one that such a short time ago we flew out of so happily.

He went through the house right to the bathroom and turned the faucet on the tub before even setting me down as he said his mantra again, "You are going to be alright, Esme."

My head lulled forward, my arms fell to my sides, my chest still heaving, as he sat me on the edge of the useless toilet and ripped my coat off, throwing it out the door into the hallway. The sound of ripping fabric alerted me, erupting a new painful fire inside me.

As I saw his disembodied hands reach for my shirt, a roar erupted from my throat.

I slammed him to the ground, pinning his arms to the floor. "No!"

"Esme! I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Don't touch me!" I shrieked.

"You are covered in human blood. You are going to keep breathing it in. We need to get it off you."

"Don't touch me!"

He pleaded with me, "Esme! Please! I'm not touching you. My wrist!"

My eyes glanced toward his left wrist. I practically was crushing it in my tiny hand. I looked toward his face that showed fear, pain and so much concern.

_It's Carlisle, stupid! Get off him!_

With another cry, I scrambled off him – away from him, against the opposite wall, pulling my knees up to me.

"I'm so sorry," I whimpered, not taking my eyes from him, waiting for his anger that I so richly deserved. It didn't come.

I watched as he silently moved from flat on his back to his knees, the only sounds were my unwavering sobs and the sound of the water still filling the tub. He didn't look at the injuries I caused to his body. His golden eyes were still on me, but I saw no anger, only worry and pity.

_Why was crying so painful when I couldn't breathe? Why did my throat still burn so much? _

He put up his hands in surrender.

"Esme, I won't touch you, but you need to get that scent off of you."

_That's why it burned. _

I bobbed my head up and down to show him I understood.

"Do you want me to help you or do you want me to leave?"

I wanted him close but I cried out, "Leave! Please!"

He nodded and said calmly and evenly, like a doctor giving orders, "When you undress, put your clothes outside the door and I'll take care of them. Make sure to scrub your hair and under your fingernails."

I held up my hands, remembering digging my nails into flesh. There was blood drying under my nails and streaked down my fingers to my palms. I screeched again and slammed my feet into the floor, shaking my head like a child throwing a fit. I wasn't a child, but I was having a fit.

There was a pause before his arms were gently around me as he tried to sooth me with soft shushes as I wept on the bathroom floor.

A few minutes later, he reached over and turned the water off and the only sound now was the noise coming from me. He soothingly rocked me against him, trying to calm me. He pulled at the pins, removing the hat that was still attached to my head and tossing it toward the doorway. Suddenly he spoke the strangest thing, intimately close to my ear.

"I am not giving up on you, Esme. I'm not giving up."

I didn't know what he meant, but something in his intense tone was sobering.

"Please don't," I choked out.

"I won't. Ever."

I knew his lips grazed over my hair, whether he knew I did or not.

Trying to be strong, I reached up with my trembling, bloody hands to unbutton my shirt but his hands caught mine.

"Let me give you your privacy," he said, again, so close.

I wanted to tell him to stay with me, but I nodded and let him help me to my feet. In my human mind, my legs were unsteady, but the vampire I was held them firmly to the ground.

He let go of me and reached for a towel and a washcloth. I could see now the blood from me speckled his shirt. I caught my bottom lip in my teeth to keep from crying out yet again.

"Just throw your clothes out in the hall as soon as you take them off. I'll take care of them."

"Thank you."

I watched him turn for the door, but he looked back at me once more and slowly crossed the small space between us. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead and for the briefest moment, his scent overpowered the one that was gnawing at my sinuses. Then he was gone, leaving the door slightly a jar.

I began pulling at my clothes and soon they were in a pile at my feet. I wiped a section of my hand clean on my discarded pants then scooped them up and placed them outside the door, and closed it.

I slid into the water. It was so hot it would have scalded a human, but had no affect on my skin other than to disinfect.

I grabbed the soap and a brush and started attacking my hands, removing every trace of blood from my nails. I had to clean blood off me before, but never so desperately needed to rid myself of its odor. My hair fell into my face, attacking me. I laid back into the water, letting it envelope me and dilute the scent.

I sensed déjà vu. _Bad days always ended up with me below water in a tub_.

_He had tried to scream when I attacked but couldn't. It wouldn't have done him any good at that point. It was too late for him. The moment I touched him, he was a dead man. _

I could see his ashen face so clearly.

_He was someone's child. He was so young. I was a monster. _

My chest was heaving again, but I kept my mouth shut, keeping the water out.

_How could he who has resisted this forever be so forgiving of me letting the monster out – letting it win? Destroying a life when he does everything in his power to save them? What must he really think right now?_

I scrubbed everywhere and when I was done, I pulled the stopper and let the water drain before turning the faucet back on. I stuck my head under it and ran other parts of my body beneath it, letting any traces that may have still been on my skin wash away.

I stepped out of the tub and grabbed the towel he had left for me. I wrapped it around me and forced my sobbing to still for a moment, letting everything settle. I took a deep inhale, my nose and my tongue reaching for that scent but nothing touched it. It had all gone down the drain.

I opened the door and was immediately struck with two powerful scents – smoke and bleach. I hurried to my room. I grabbed undergarments and pulled a dress off a hanger and put them on before padding back out into the hallway in my bare feet.

The fire was roaring in the living room and Carlisle stood over it in a new outfit, watching our clothes burn. His head turned, his eyes meeting mine. He was so concerned. I knew I should run away – punish myself for what I had done and my mind wouldn't let me escape from. I didn't run away though, I ran forward.

His arms were open for me as I fell into them, the sobbing instantly starting again. He led me over to the sofa and he didn't resist as I sat on his lap, burying my face against the crook where his shoulder met his neck.

One hand stroked over my hair, while the other rubbed my back as once again he gently tried to calm me.

"I know you are in pain. I know you are hurting. I would do anything to take it away."

"Don't ever let me do that again. _Please_!" I pleaded, my nose pressed against his skin. His scent was intoxicating to me.

"I will do everything in my power to make sure you never suffer this again, my child," he said, squeezing me just a little tighter.

_Child? I'm not a child! Why can't you see that? When will you see me for a woman that is completely in love with you?_

My emotions were wreaking havoc. I felt like every emotion was so close to the surface – so exposed. My mind was torn between pain, death, and guilt, but at the same time, it put me here in his arms, where I longed to be, but even this murderess in his arms he saw as a child. No! He had to know how I felt!

I pressed my lips to his neck.

He froze. It wasn't the reaction I was hoping for.

"I'm sorry for attacking you," I whispered, trying to break his tension. I pulled away from his arms and laid down on my side on the sofa facing the room, resting my head on his lap.

His hand was stroking my hair again. _We were okay._

"You were upset. I shouldn't have been so forward."

"You were just being the doctor – just trying to help me. How could you have known?"

"Known what, Esme?"

Edward came barreling through the back door and in an instant was standing shirtless before us in the middle of the living room. He looked to Carlisle and then looked down to me. He too was hurting for me. He disappeared for a moment, and returned wearing a shirt.

He slowly approached, and knelt down to my level. He took one of my hands and leaned forward, kissing my forehead before meeting my eyes again.

"I know how you are suffering. I have been through this. I wish I could tell you that you will forget it and it will fade, but it won't. The only thing you can do is move forward. You can't change what you have done. All you can do is remember this pain and do what you can not to repeat it."

I croaked out, "But you did repeat it."

He swallowed and nodded. "I didn't say it would be easy."

"Is there anything that comes close to tasting like that?" I pleaded with him.

"No, not that I've found."

"I didn't even know what I was doing."

I could see the sympathy in his eyes. "I know. You couldn't help yourself. You were thirsty and you smelled something irresistible and didn't know how to resist it. It was a natural reaction."

"I didn't want to stop. I needed more."

He was silent for a moment. "I know."

"I'm a monster," I whispered between a sob.

"No more than I am."

"Neither of you are monsters," Carlisle said quietly above me.

"What would you know of it?" Edward replied to Carlisle, a darkness in his tone as he looked intently in my eyes.

_What are you doing? This isn't his fault._

Carlisle's voice was calm. "I know that our kind doesn't feel regret or pain over killing. With the exception of very few, our kind kill with little thought for the victim. It only is about their need and satisfaction. They only see humans as food, while you saw that boy as a human."

I couldn't speak through my cries, as I wasn't seeing Edward in front of me anymore. All I could see was the boy burned into my retinas.

"You feel, Esme, which makes you more humane than most vampires," said Carlisle.

My chest hurt. It may have been psychosomatic, but my silent heart ached. There was nothing more they could possible say. There was nothing profound that either could utter. Even if I was more humane or full of regret and pain, the fact remained was that I had taken a life from this world. I had committed a murder yet again, and I didn't deserve another reprieve like the one whose lap my head now rested on. I was a selfish creature, who acted on my desire and couldn't control my own head when I needed it most.

And, as if being a murderer wasn't bad enough, I attacked Carlisle. In my greatest moment of weakness, I let my past horrors come to the surface.

Edward was searching my eyes. I closed them.

I cried for hours with Carlisle brushing his hand over my hair and Edward sitting at his feet, holding my hand. Even if they couldn't help me, I greedily needed them here. They alone were my comfort. Life would never be the same.

* * *

_November 1921_

"Esme, I love you, and I can't stand to see you like this anymore," Edward harshly stated.

"I'm trying!"

"No, you're not. You keep wallowing in your own personal hell, but it doesn't have to be like this. You can't punish yourself for eternity."

"To hell I can't!"

"Esme! You need to hunt. You need to eat."

I had avoided hunting as much as possible in the last several weeks since I took the boy's life. I was afraid to leave the house and spent most of the time hiding in my room, unable to face Carlisle and Edward or the world. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I couldn't risk it.

"Waiting until you are so hungry that you are uncontrollable is not the healthy way to handle this. You are more likely to make mistakes."

"I'm just not as hungry."

"You can't lie to me, remember?"

"I'm just-" _What was I?_

"Emotionally overwrought and filled with too many secrets?"

"Edward!"

"Esme!"

I glared at him.

"Look, I understand your fear, but it is irrational. Esme, it is eternity. You can't hide forever. You must move on. I know it isn't easy, but I had to do it several times over. Just think how awful it would be if I forever acted like you are acting now."

I enjoyed his humor and his smile too much. It would be awful.

"I like yours too and I long to see you smile again."

I tried to smile at him but I could feel the sadness in it.

"It's a start," he softly smiled back at me. "Now as soon as Carlisle gets home, we are going out to hunt. We'll stay close to your side. Carlisle meant what he said when he told you he will do everything in his power to make sure you don't hurt a human again."

_My child._

"He does not see you as a child. He's confused."

"Over what?"

"Esme, I see in your head. I have an idea of what you went through in your human life. I wish I knew more, but you suppress your thoughts whenever they get too close to the surface. He thinks you attacked him because he was being improper. That you were offended."

"It wasn't that at all. It's just-"

"Charles."

I didn't even like to hear or say his name.

"You were hurt and eventually destroyed by that man. I've seen enough to know that."

"I destroyed myself."

"Don't give Charles Evenson the satisfaction of making you blame yourself."

"It was my decision."

"But he drove you to such despair."

"My baby's death drove me to such despair."

"You attacked him because you saw Charles."

"Yes," I whispered.

"He would want to know. He needs to know."

_Will he push me away? Will he regret changing me? _

Edward walked toward me and wrapped his arms around me.

"You silly, blind woman. No, I highly doubt that will be his reaction. You will not be able to move forward until you let it all out. He's patiently been waiting for you to talk to him. Why do you think he is so open with you about everything? He's hoping that by baring so much to you, he will gain your confidence." He hesitated before saying, "He longs to know you."

"I'll talk to him. Soon."

"Don't wait too long. You need to clear the air."

I nodded in agreement and we stood there silently for a moment before I spoke, "You love me?"

A light chuckle came from Edward as he gently pulled away from me. "Of course I do. Not in a romantic type of way, but you're pretty easy to love, Esme, and deserving of it."

I hugged him this time, "I love you too, Edward. I'll speak with him today."

* * *

**So what do you think of Esme as a "vampire?" Reviews inspire me, so please keep them coming!**

**I'm sorry to leave you hanging, but I hope it will be worth the wait. **

**Thank you to PTB betas, Mod Sweetishbubble and karma0be11e.**

**On another note, if you are looking for something a little smutty and non-canon, I recently posted _C'mon, Mama Bear_. It takes place during Breaking Dawn and is first person Esme. Esme and Emmett are struggling with everything going on in the Cullen house during Bella's pregnancy, including the loss of comfort from their mates. For one afternoon only, they find what they desire in each other. **


	6. Confessions

_November 1921_

I lightly rapped on the door to Carlisle's study a little after noon. I had taken some time to pull myself together after our morning hunt before approaching his door. Edward was tucked away in his room with a book. I didn't mind that he was going to overhear this conversation, I just didn't want to face him while discussing such intimate details of my human life – or as images I couldn't control played in my mind.

"Come in," I heard from the other side of the door. I found him behind his desk, a few books laid open and one in his hand. He stood as I entered**, **the book left on the desk.

"May I interrupt?" I quietly asked.

"Of course. Please, come in. Have a seat," he said with a slight smile and a gesture toward the small seating area consisting of a chair, sofa and table. I took the chair as he came to join me.

I looked at his stunning face – studying it as he took his seat, looking at me – waiting for me to speak.

"What is it, Esme?" He finally asked, his concern apparent in his golden eyes, a color that I longed for mine to match.

I knew what had to be said, but now that the moment was here, it was a struggle.

_What would he think of me? Would he_ _even_ _be able to look at me? Would he reject me? _

I took a deep breath and began at what felt like the right place. There was no going back now. It was time to confess all.

I could barely look at him as I swallowed my prideand began to speak, softly but directly.

"I'm learning that the things that have stayed with me from my human life are not necessarily the happy memories. Happy memories are normal. They blur together. I remember aspects of my happiness, but I know there is so much more that is now lost forever."

I smiled and looked up at his expectant face as I remembered what I could visualize through the haze in my mind.

"My childhood was normal and happy. I had a sister named Millie, who was six years younger than me and a brother, William, who was nine years younger than me. We had parents who loved us and made sure we knew we were loved**,** but they also were never overly affectionate. We lived on a farm outside of Columbus, Ohio. I helped out on the farm and I played with my siblings. I learned from my mother how to cook and keep house and carpentry from my father. I excelled at school. There were other activities too, but as you can tell, it was normal.

"Suddenly, I was grown and finishing eighth grade. For most girls in my community that meant the end of school. It was time to be on the farm full time and prepare to become a wife and a mother. But I wanted more, and without even trying, thanks to what others saw in me, I was allowed to go to Columbus to continue my education with my second cousin, Helen.

"I did very well. I was a straight A student. I had friends and it didn't matter that I was a 'farm girl.' My cousin's parents made sure I was dressed well so I fit in. I loved the experience and was grateful for every single day."

My eyes fell to my hands now where my fingers were entwined. He knew this next part. He had witnessed the result, but he didn't know what the lasting outcome was.

"Then, one hot August day, between my sophomore and junior years, I was working in my father's workshop when my siblings came running in…"

"And asked you to get a cat out of a tree," he completed my thought. He knew this part of the story.

I nodded. "And I did, but not without forever changing the course of my life."

"I didn't think you would make it back to school in the fall."

I looked up and studied his face again. He had seen hundreds of patients since that night and yet I was sure his memories of it were clearer than my own. And to me, for multiple reasons, it was one of the most pivotal moments of my life. My smile was long gone and I felt melancholy over the direction my life took. His sadness for me was clear in his eyes. My eyes stayed on his.

"My education was over. There would be no more textbooks or diplomas. No college. No dances. No well-educated young men to court me…or so I thought.

"The school year after I broke my leg I spent on the farm. The following year I began teaching in a one-room school house. It was isolating and at times lonely, but I was happy. I was doing something I loved. If I couldn't continue to educate myself, I was more than satisfied to educate others.

"My parents were not thrilled. They thought I should be at home, waiting for a husband. Even if I wasn't on the farm, that didn't mean they weren't still keeping an eye out for me."

I paused, once again collecting my thoughts. It wasn't easy remembering the details. Carlisle looked so concerned,but would his face show as much care when I was done?

"In June 1915, Helen married. At her reception, my parents were sending every eligible man in attendance in my direction. Then my father introduced me to Jonathan Evenson and his family. Jonathan owned and ran Columbus Savings and Trust. I met his wife, Mary and his son, Charles."

I had to let Charles in to let him out. I always buried him whenever he threatened to climb to the surface of my thoughts. He was my husband and in truth, I was still his wife. I mourned him and our marriage as I walked away a year ago. I also, in my grief, swore off men in favor of protecting and focusing solely on my unborn child. Once Helen and Thomas heard the truth, I raised a shield and deflected the pain. The bruises faded away and the rib healed, but the damage he caused ran so much deeper than those physical wounds.

I let him out in a flood of memories. Even through the haze, I saw him clearly in my mind.

"Charles was handsome, charming**,** and overly confident, but appealing. From the moment we danced that first time I was enthralled, although for a moment his intensity almost made me bolt off the dance floor**, **but I was fascinated. He was attending the University of Ohio. He had great prospects since he was destined to run his father's bank. But most importantly, intellectually, we could talk. I loved having conversations with him as a friend. Looking back, I think he just humored me but at the time, it was wonderful to have real thoughtful conversations with him.

"And while I enjoyed his friendship and came to care for him as a dear friend, he was looking at me as something more than a friend. He asked my father for permission to marry me in December 1916."

My voice was harder than usual. The music that came with its new tone was absent.

"I didn't love him and wanted to move west to teach, but my parents insisted that it was time for me to marry and I couldn't do better than Charles, especially at my age. I was 21. I gave in to their wishes.

"Charles knew I didn't feel for him the way he felt for me. He claimed to love me. I prayed for God to make my heart change, to make it feel love for the man I was binding myself to for eternity. I hoped with time, I would come to feel the same for the man I considered a dear friend.

"I sensed that there was a darkness to Charles. He was at times forceful and intense. A kiss would have a little too much force behind it. A remark would have a little too much bite. I ignored it all. The signs were staring me in the face and ignored it all."

Carlisle's deep eyes never left me, but my eyes now looked away. I couldn't get through this with his eyes meeting mine.

_I'm not going to cry._ _Stay strong, Esme. He needs to know._

"What happened, Esme?" Carlisle asked with an intensity in his voice that I rarely heard from the so consistently level doctor.

"Monsters are supposed to be things of legends, works of fiction. Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Wolfman, Dracula…all just words on a page. Before I knew vampires were real, I knew monsters existed."

My voice sounded hollow now and barely recognizable as my own.

"My wedding day in June 1917 was everything a bride could hope for. Everything was perfect. I was happy.

"The wedding night was a different story…"

"Esme," he said, stopping me, his voice strained. "I don't want you to feel obligated to continue. You don't have to tell me this."

I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want him to offer me a way out of this. I struggled for my thoughts and words as I opened my eyes. My voice was shaking as I strung my words together.

"But I need you to know this – I need you to understand…me…my heart. Remember how I said the happy times are a blur? The bad times …the bad times, those are the ones that are burned in my memory. What I long to forget is what won't go away. My demons won't die."

He looked like he wanted to say more but he just nodded his head.

"I was frightened," I whispered. "Maybe it would have been easier if I loved him – if I had wanted him the way he wanted me. I panicked, but he was determined to consummate our marriage regardless of my feelings. When I became hysterical he slapped me. The abuse began and continued throughout that summer. Every night he forced himself on me. There was rarely a gentle caress, just gripping and squeezing and pulling. I was constantly bruised and sore.

"Then he went off to fight in the war and as they say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' A couple thousand miles and more than a year apart served that function. When I found out he was coming home in January 1919, I was ready for him. I was ready to be with him**,** and start a family with him**, **and for about 24 hours, I thought he had changed."

I had regained my voice, but the shaking was still there. There was sympathy, and maybe hope in Carlisle's eyes, but I almost could see the wheels turning in his head as he already knew without the details that this story would not end well for me.

"He appeared to be a different man than the one I had sent off to Europe. When we…when we made love, there was no pain. For once it was a beautiful act, but then he asked me to say the words I wasn't quite yet prepared to say. I wanted to be honest with him. Maybe I should have lied and just falsely proclaimed my love. He was angry and left our bed and our happy reunion to go find his friends."

So many memories were shrouded or completely gone, but this one was all too clear. My eyes returned to my lap.

"He stumbled in after midnight. I had waited up for him. I was worried. He was drunk and his mood quickly turned foul when I couldn't honestly say those three little words he wanted to hear. I told him I was going to bed in the guest room and that he should sleep it off.

"I was near the top of the stairs when he came up behind me and grabbed my foot out from under me causing me to fall. I was shocked and when he went to turn me over I expected him to be remorseful, but he wasn't.

"My husband, the man who swore to take care of me in sickness and in health and until death do us part, beat me unconscious and raped his own wife on the stairs that night."

My hand instinctually flew to my mouth to cover up those words and keep me from crying. For the third time, I had to say that word and admit out loud the heinous act that my husband had committed against me. With my parents I was met with denial and rage. With Helen and Thomas it was horror and guilt. A quick glance in Carlisle's direction saw what looked to be a mix of shock and sorrow.

I removed my hand from my lips to continue, a sob threatening to burst from my chest with every word.

"It was the beginning of the end for me. Not a day went by until the day I left Columbus for good that I didn't bear the marks of his wrath. He degraded me in every way for his pleasure and my pain. I was depressed. I lost weight. I distanced myself from important people in my life, too afraid of what they would see. I went to my parents begging them to let me come home, admitting what he was doing to me, but they stood behind my husband. They told me to go home and get pregnant and it would change.

"And then I found out his father had been just as abusive to his mother. She had lost several babies as a result and eventually lost the ability to have children all together.

"Summarily, the urge to have Charles' child was gone. I didn't want to potentially bring another monster into this world. Charles on the other hand, upon hearing that my sister was expecting, decided it was time for us to create a new life."

I swallowed the sobs as I envisioned last November. I almost felt a sense of peace as I thought of the events set into motion in Columbus that lead me to the outskirts of Virginia, Minnesota.

"A year ago this week, I became ill on the street in Columbus and a stranger took me to a nearby hospital to be looked at. While waiting to be seen I realized I had been in that room before. It was the room where I had been your patient a decade before. I was ill and I was injured**,** but for a moment, I forgot about all of that on the hope that you were there.

"Of course I found out you had left shortly after I had been there the first time. They said you had gone west to California. That should have put an end to any thoughts of you, but it didn't and I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. You see**,** through my years of being alone and then my years of incredible pain, you were never far from my thoughts.

"I don't know what it was about that night when everything else in that hospital room took my life on a wrong turn, but you left an impression on me. You were so kind. You truly seemed to care about my welfare and were interested in me. And you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen."

I felt a smile creep to the corner of my lips as I remembered his face when I told him about falling out of that tree. The smile faded as my emotions tore in half as they often did when I thought of him during the difficult times when my mind had wandered to him. For all the hurt Charles caused me, I felt guilty thinking of another man, but at the same time thoughts of him comforted me. It was a strange dichotomy, an embarrassment to myself, and uncomfortable to admit to the object of such feelings as he sat just a few feet away from me.

"But you were a stranger. I should have forgotten about you. But I found you haunting my dreams from the moment I left that hospital. Then when I was a married a woman, my only escape was my dreams**.** I shouldn't have been dreaming of someone else, but my mind kept betraying me. You were my escape.

"I spent just a few hours in your presence, but it was enough. While the man I married was the epitome of evil and everything a man shouldn't be, you were the opposite. You were the unattainable fantasy of a stupid girl."

"Esme…" he started to speak but I had to go on and continued to rush forward.

"I left that hospital last year with a new determination. I went home, removed the rings that bound me to him, and left. I was determined and relieved but frightened. I went to stay with Helen and her husband, Thomas in Milwaukee. When word came that Charles and my family had discovered that I was hiding at their home, Thomas helped me flee again and provided me with everything I needed to start a new life with my child. He was also a good, honorable man."

I took a useless deep breath before continuing, an ache in my voice.

"I held onto that silly handkerchief of yours like some treasure to remind me that good men existed and that you were real.

"Even after that nurse told me you were long gone, I thought about you. I daydreamed about you being happy and older and sitting with your wife and children. I wanted that for you. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to be everything that Charles wasn't, and to have everything that I didn't have. I know it sounds crazy. It _is_ crazy. But then at night – I dreamed of you, often by my side, and I was happy. I was asleep, but for a few hours I escaped my nightmare. I was dreaming**,** and I was happy and some imaginary image of you was brought me that happiness.

"So you can imagine then my surprise when I opened my eyes from yet another nightmare and there you were. I had lost my family, my child, I had ended my life and had endured the fires of hell and I found you. I had to be dreaming or in heaven, but you soon told me I was not. This time you were real – and better than any dream."

I felt weary. I knew sleep wasn't an option, but for the first time in this life I felt tired. Feeling so much in such a short time was overwhelming. I struggled to speak with so much weight upon me.

"Carlisle, I'm broken and weak. I attacked you after my incident not because you were not being a gentleman, but because my broken mind heard fabric ripping**,** and saw hands coming at me**,** and I defended myself as I did against him. It was my past haunting me and I hate myself for it. I'm so sorry that for one moment I thought you were him. I don't know how**, **for even a moment I could ever imagine him in your place.

"I know you think I'm foolish and childlike**;** that I need to be parented. Please don't let my weaknesses shadow your opinion of me. I know I'm impulsive and at times uncontrollable and silly, but -"

I didn't mean to yell, but my emotions were overwrought at a much more intense level thanks to my newborn state.

"I'm not a child! No matter how many years on this earth you have over me, I'm not a child. My childhood, any innocence I ever had, are many years gone. There are so many things that I am**:** reckless, impulsive, destructive, stupid-"

"Esme, stop-" he spoke quickly**,**and I saw his hands move up to gesture the same.

"Please, let me finish!" I argued, not knowing how much longer I could go on for. His hands fell. "But for all my faults, the one thing that I know is that I am a woman**.** A woman who**,** for the first time in her life**, **is truly able to speak the words that she couldn't speak to her husband**, **but longed her entire life to say to a man. I love you, Carlisle."

I hadn't stopped. I hadn't paused, but now I held my breath, unable to say anything else. It was all in his hands now**.** The hands I was staring at because I couldn't bear to look at the face I held so dear and possibly see rejection…or worse, pity.

He was silent. I saw his hand flinch, but it did not move forward to reach for mine. I waited.

When he began his voice was calm, even**,** and sincere.

"Esme, I am overwhelmed by all you have confided in me and I thank you for being so open and honest**.**"

_Please don't say "but."_

He did not and the calm evaporated as his emotions took over.

"I knew you had been wronged, but I couldn't begin to image how deeply and for how long. When you had told us that first night that your husband had abused you, it was difficult for me to fathom how anyone could wish to harm one hair on your head just once**,** let alone what you have just confessed to me. I'm so sorry that for an instant you felt in anyway threatened by me or my actions. I didn't know**…"**

"You couldn't have known. I was too afraid to admit to it to you**,**" I argued.

"Why were you afraid?" he begged me.

"I was afraid of you rejecting me. I'm broken." I swallowed hard, not wanting to sob.

"Why do you keep saying that?"

I heard his disbelief**,** but I knew why.

"Because it is true. That man broke me in every way and when I thought for a moment that I was on the mend, that maybe all the pieces were back together, I broke again."

"Esme, when I look at you I don't see broken or any those other horrible things you have said about yourself. I see a courageous soul, an independent woman, who was brave enough to escape for the sake of her child."

"But not brave enough to live**,**" I whispered.

"And I took away your choice."

I shook my head. "No, please, please don't blame yourself for any of this. I can't handle the guilt of your regret."

"There's no need for you to feel guilt, because I do not regret it."

His words surprised me and I finally looked at him. His face was more surprising than his words. There was no rejection or pity. There was care, concern – and was that a smirk at the corner of his mouth?

"You asked me to let you know when I knew why you. I must beg your forgiveness for I did not let you know when I knew.**"**

It was his turn to take a deep breath. He looked almost sheepish as he began to speak.

"I had an idea the moment you opened your eyes and met mine with such fierce recognition. I had another thought when you impishly threw mud at me a few days laterand yet another when I was removing mud from your hair. But it was within that hour, that same day, standing in the sunlight, you beaming and for a moment forgetting every care you had about this existence that I admitted to myself I selfishly changed you because you are the most beautiful creature that God ever put on this earth**.** I couldn't let you go. I couldn't let him have you. The selfish creature that I am needed this angel, this goddess, and when I realized it that day, all I could do was wait."

"Why did you wait?" I squealed. _Was this really happening or was this all just one more Dr. Cullen dream?_

"You can't help it but you are so impulsive and I feared your immediate rejection."

"Me, reject you?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes, dear one. And I knew you weren't ready. You needed to get past your fear of this conversation. I hate that you feel you are broken. I hate that man for what he did to you and would ki…"

"No, never. Please, Carlisle, you are not the first person to threaten him in front of me**,** but I don't want any good man to be brought down by him."

"He'll burn in hell for eternity."

I didn't like hearing anger in his voice or seeing it in his eyes even if it was directed toward Charles.

"If such a place exists, I'm sure he will land there."

"Esme, I will do everything in my power to heal you, to fix you, if that is what you need. I want to – I want to make you forget him and everything he did to you. The three words that you blessed me with earlier, he was never worthy of hearing from your lips. I will do anything and everything to live up to the honor of hearing them with my name attached."

I was overwhelmed by his intensity**, **and by the realization that this was really happening. All my fears were unfounded and it was possible that he cared for me**, **and maybe even – but, my vampire impulses made me blurt out…

"Never call me a child again!"

"You are not a child. I've never seen you as a child. It is a term of an endearment that centuries ago**, **I have to admit**,**I inherited from my father. I never meant it to cause you anxiety or offense. You are a woman – a beautiful, amazing woman and I love her. I love _you_, Esme."

His fingers slowly, tentatively reached toward mine and instinctively my hand extended to touch his. He took it and slowly raised it up, his eyes meeting mine as he pressed his lips to my palm.

How many emotions can a person feel at once? Maybe for vampires it is more? My mind was so flooded with thoughts and emotions**, **but I pushed aside the clutter to see what mattered.

Carlisle Cullen had just admitted without prompting, without pity or reservation, but with the most tenderness and sincerity that he loved me. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't a way to placate me. It wasn't a dream. I felt my hand in his and the sensation from where his lips had just touched it. This was reality.

I briefly saw the surprise in his eyes as I launched myself off my chair, landing on the sofa next to him and threw my arms around him. I buried my face in his shoulder, breathing in the most wonderful fragrance in the world. His arms held me fast and I felt his lips graze my temple.

We stayed like that for a time. I wasn't about to let him go. Not now. Not ever.

* * *

**Thank you to MelissaMargaret for moral support and being a fabulous beta.**

**Thank you to my PTB betas Sweetishbubble and CapriciousC.**

**I had some interesting dilemmas when I submitted this to my betas. They wanted more emotion and physical reactions (and maybe you, gentle reader, wanted more too) and while I added it a bit more I also restrained Carlisle and Esme. **

**Please keep in mind that Esme is only five months old in her vampire life and she has not interacted with humans. She has practiced her breathing so for her to take deep breaths, although unnecessary, or swallow, those are learned reactions for her now. What she isn't going to be doing is fidgeting or running her fingers through her hair. You can be sure that Edward and Carlisle are teaching her to do these things but breathing was something she accomplished and pushed herself to do on her own. It is very natural to her by this point. Her body language is pretty much non-existent during this conversation other than moving her head to either look at Carlisle or look away.**

**As for Carlisle, ****up until this point, his reactions to her have been based on doctor and in a way guardian. It's not that he hasn't felt romantically about her, but he was suppressing that and putting those other roles first. Suddenly he is making the transition from doctor and guardian to suitor/beau during this conversation and there is a line drawn out of respect for her. It wouldn't be proper for him to grab her. And really, when she is telling him about being physically abused, the last thing he would do would be to reach for her/touch her even if his intention is to comfort her. It is only at the end, after they have both declared their feelings that he timidly reaches for her hand. Human Esme would not have launched herself onto his lap. It is impulsive newborn Esme that does that. I know some of you were probably hoping for a big kiss at the end but it wouldn't be proper (and just imagine how great it will be when they do finally kiss). **

**As for Carlisle's emotional and verbal reactions, she is barely looking at him so she doesn't know how he is reacting. And if she did look up, I would think the vampire exterior would be staying composed to make it easier for her to get through this. But in the end, when he is finally able to voice his thoughts, the emotions come to the surface. I can totally imagine him just sitting there up until this point. This is hard for her to say and I don't think he would interrupt her. **

**Sorry for that long diatribe. I just wanted to share some insights. I hope you enjoyed the chapter.**

**Thank you so much for the feedback on the last chapter. To hear how emotionally it touched many of you was just incredible. I hope you forgive Carlisle for the "my child" now that he has explained himself. He never saw her has a child. **

**If you have read Esme's Story: Book One: The Human Years and haven't reviewed it, it would mean so much to me if you would. The feedback and love for Book Two has been tremendous and please keep it up. I really do value your thoughts and opinions so much. I now have more reviews for the first five chapters of Book Two than I have for all of Book One. My hope is that some new reviews of Book One may bring in new readers to Esme's saga. Thank you!**

**So here's the time for news that you may find disappointing. I have a thesis that I have to complete over the next month so I probably won't have time to write. So Esme's Story is unofficially going on hiatus until late September/early October. If I have time to write, I will but please don't expect anything new for a little while. I'll come back to you as soon as I can!**

**Also, please make sure you are following my twitter account OhMyCarlisle, especially if you are a fan of Peter Facinelli. A few weeks ago, someone approached me on twitter about submitting something for a fan scrapbook for Peter's birthday (November 26). The problem with something like that is that he may look at it once, but then it will either end up never looked at again or more likely in the trash. I suggested instead doing something more meaningful like raising money for Alex's Lemonade Stand in honor of Peter's birthday. Alex's Lemonade tweeted me back saying it was a great idea, so then I felt like I had to follow through, which is fantastic because I am passionate about ALS and am amazed by Peter's charity work so it works out. I've set up a virtual Alex's Lemonade Stand that is live, but I'll start promoting in early September for fans to give back as a present in honor of Peter's birthday. Alex's Lemonade Stand is going to help promote it. Being the giver that I am, will have raffle prizes, and I'm going to two Twilight Conventions between now and November 26 so there will be some autographed items up for grabs. Look for information regarding Peter's Birthday Alex's Lemonade Stand coming soon! Please give what you can for this great cause. **

***Hugs for everyone***


	7. An Education

_December 1921_

"We have you, Esme. We won't let you get away," Carlisle said in a hushed tone as we walked through the dark streets in Virginia. The snow was still lightly falling and would bury our tracks before the first morning light.

I was experiencing my Christmas present.

It had been a little over a month since Carlisle and I had declared our love for each other and life was so different now. _I _was different. _We_ were different.

For the all barriers that came down that night, new ones went up.

The propriety of a courtship when the parties in question lived under the same roof was questionable, but truly, Carlisle was a patient gentleman and Edward…well Edward was the reluctant chaperone of his own design.

"It is about time," Edward said with a mixture of sarcasm and happiness when we emerged from Carlisle's study after spending that afternoon talking. Actually, I did most of the talking, recounting what I could of stories from my childhood. We had a long way to go and a lot to tell, but the beginning was beautiful and we had eternity to discover everything about each other.

"I'm happy for you both," Edward said to me later that evening after Carlisle, with some hesitation, had left for work. "You two have needed to have that discussion for so long. It has been driving me crazy!"

"Why didn't you just make us talk?"

Edward chuckled, "Didn't I finally do that last night?"

"Yes, but you could have done it sooner."

"Your mind wasn't ready." Edward's face suddenly looked pained and he reached for my hand. "And I am so sorry that you suffered so much. I know you stopped Carlisle, but if I ever come across him…"

I cut him off, just as I had with Carlisle. "Edward, no. He's not worth it. Please."

"How could he do that to you?" I could see the fury behind his eyes directed toward my husband. He had relived my torment with me as I envisioned the abuse in my mind.

"I'm sorry that you had to see more than Carlisle heard. I wish those memories would have burned but some things are just too ingrained into my memory to have truly faded."

"He's a monster," Edward spit out with a bit of a growl.

"I can't argue against that," I bitterly chuckled. "Here we are as vampires, by every definition and fable, truly monsters, but the only monster I've experienced has been human."

"Barely human."

I hadn't focused on what I had left behind so long ago until today, and so much curiosity now plagued me. "I wonder if he is still searching for me."

"He won't find you," Edward insisted.

"I know, and even if he did, I'm not weaker than him anymore," I smugly said.

"And you have Carlisle and I."

"So I have love and that will defeat him."

"Love conquers all?" The anguish on Edward's face had lessened.

"I have to believe that it does."

And now their collective love was shielding me – protecting me from myself.

I didn't need baubles or books or anything else for Christmas, but I asked for something I did need – exposure to humans.

I wanted to move forward and be able to live outside four walls. I needed to conquer _that _scent and I knew I could do it just as Carlisle and Edward had. I wanted to be able to walk down the street and resist them.

Walking – a simple movement…or least it should be, but while I had worried little about that movement it turned out it was something on the list of things I had to relearn in this life as well.

"_Esme, you are walking like a man," Edward teased one afternoon in late November as I walked into the living room._

"_What are you talking about?" I asked defensively, pausing with my hands on my hips._

_Carlisle looked quickly between us from his and tried to soothe me. "You have not spent time around women since you changed and your examples for movement have been us." _

"_I can't help that," I argued, my voice still high in defense._

"_No you can't. You are doing extensively well at pacing, but you need to work on walking and gesturing with a little more grace, which I know is inside of you."_

"_Like piano playing, Esme," Edward added. "Think of the grace that flows through your fingers when you play a hymn and then use it to help with the movement of your hands."_

"_And hips," I could see his lips turn up in a smile as he looked down._

"_Carlisle!" I said in embarrassment, but also felt a sliver of something that felt like satisfaction. _

_His head shot up with a guilty look as I said his name, and he blurted out, "I'm not trying to offend you, my dear, but your movement is too rigid and-" _

_Carlisle was looking for the right word, but Edward answered for him._

"_Male."_

_Carlisle gave him a look that would have made small animals scurry. _

"_With women it is from the hips," he added dryly. _

I felt so embarrassed as I practiced walking and gesturing and adding in the additional movements of pushing my hair off my brow, touching my face, rubbing my hands together – all tricks to making me more natural…more human.

Within a few weeks they both agreed that I was doing exceptionally well and my movements would draw little suspicions from humans. I worried that I wouldn't know for sure unless I actually interacted with humans, so I needed to take the first steps to make that happen.

It wasn't without some trepidation that I made this request to be out here on this night, and it was met with equal wariness.

"I've been this way for six months now. I'm more in control of myself than ever. The only way I'm going to get use to them is by being exposed to them."

"Esme, I don't want you to feel rushed into this."

I wasn't surprised that Carlisle would want me to pause. He always tried to keep my mind at ease. I needed to do this though, and I knew he would understand.

"I'm scared to death about the idea of it, but you two have both managed to overcome it. I have to face this fear."

They still looked skeptical.

I turned my appeal directly to Carlisle, looking into the eyes that I adored, and I could see so much care and love in return.

"I want to be able to walk down the street with you. I want to live in town." I smirked as I added, "It is what I want for Christmas."

"Alright," he acquiesced but I could hear the hesitation in his voice. "We'll go Christmas night though when everyone is home. We'll hunt first and then we'll take a walk through Virginia."

We had run far south to hunt during the snowstorm that marred this Christmas. As winter had set in in Minnesota, hunting locally became an issue. Hibernation sent many animals into hiding, and while we could pull them from their dens if necessary, it was easier to head south and find awake and lively creatures.

We had slowed down as we reached the outskirts of Virginia. Carlisle and Edward were on either side of me.

"Are you sure you ready?" Carlisle asked.

"As ready as I'm going to be."

I took a deep and unnecessary breath.

"That's not true. It will get easier when you are no longer a newborn."

"I need to do this, Carlisle."

He wasn't going to fight me. He nodded. "We're here for you then."

Another memory from this short second life washed over me as he took my hand.

"_What did you mean when you said,_ _'I'm not giving up on you?'" I had asked him just a few days after we admitted what we felt. I knew he would know what moment I was asking about._

"_I think that those were emotions, that I wasn't ready to let you see, coming to the surface._"

_I looked at him and patiently waited for his real answer._

"_You know now that I was already in love with you. I wasn't giving up on the hope that you would come to feel the same. I wasn't giving up that you could overcome that one mistake."_

"_We talk of it as a mistake – like I looked to the left instead of the right or I hit the wrong note on the piano, but my mistake was murder," I said flatly, trying to keep my emotions under control, but feeling them rising quickly to the surface. _

"_I wasn't giving up on you because you knew and understood the consequences of your action. A human died."_

"_I killed him." My voice cracked as I relived that horrible day in my mind. _

"_Yes. I wasn't giving up on you that you would rise above that moment."_

"_I'm a murderer."_

"_So am I. I killed Edward and I killed you." His tone was intense and remorseful and it didn't need to be._

"_You didn't kill me." I nearly screeched in disagreement. I didn't want him to feel guilty of anything._

"_I know you made the decision to jump, but in the end I took your life," he argued._

"_No." My voice was controlled and I was sure of myself as I said, "I took that life. I destroyed it. I killed myself. You gave me a new life and something worth living for."_

_His eyes searched mine. "And what is that?"_

_I cried out with a laugh, "You, you silly man."_

I glanced at Carlisle in the present before turning my eyes forward again.

My throat was burning as we approached the town. There was not a soul outside this late or due to this awful weather, but I could still taste the scent of humans on my tongue.

Edward tensed next to me and wrapped his hand tightly around my arm. I wanted to bolt for the nearest building, rip the door open, and sink my teeth into the first human I came across, but I wasn't going to.

"Remember you just ate," Edward said.

"It doesn't taste as good as that," I whined as I struggled to keep my wits about me. I knew I could do this. I had to do this. For Carlisle, I had to beat the temptation.

"I know, but you don't need that."

He was right. It might not be as tasty, but I was surviving on the blood of animals. Although it felt like a need from the very core of my being to devour every human I came across, I could survive without them. Carlisle had for more than two centuries.

Even with that knowledge secure and accepted in my head, this was still the most difficult stroll of my vampire life. I still wanted blood and was using every shred of willpower to keep my feet moving forward down the street. I just had to make it through town at normal pace. Once I was out of it, I could run away back to our home as quickly as possible.

Carlisle paused for a moment in front of a fine looking two-story home.

_Why are you stopping? Please keep moving!_

I looked at him feeling completely exacerbated.

"This is my house. This is where everyone thinks I go home to."

This was the first time I had seen it. Carlisle barely stepped foot in it. If he did it was usually for show because someone spotted him walking home after work.

Part of me wanted to go inside and see it, but the stronger desires I was fighting against made me rudely urge, "That's nice Carlisle, but can we please keep moving?"

He smiled sheepishly and started walking again.

It was a long, but quiet walk, but I survived it, and so did everyone else.

When we hit the tree line just beyond the town, I grabbed a hand from each of them and took off running, careful not to run so fast that they couldn't keep up.

I ran right into the comforting warmth of our home in the woods.

"I did it!" I squealed.

They both chuckled at my absurd glee, but their laughs had different meanings.

"You did it once on a full stomach," Edward grumbled.

"Edward!" Carlisle scolded.

"It's true. One walk through town after just hunting is barely a challenge compared to walking through town when you haven't hunted for days."

"True, but this is just a first step. You had to take first steps." Carlisle reminded him.

"And I stumbled." Was Edward mad because he expected me to fail? His head flashed to me and he shook his head no. If Carlisle noticed he didn't acknowledge it as he softly spoke.

"We all stumble sometimes Edward, but we keep going."

"Yes, I'm going to keep going, Edward," I insisted. "I don't want to be stuck in the forest forever. I love this place because you two are here, but I want to move to that house in town. I know it won't be easy to get to that point and maybe it will never be easy."

"It will get easier, but never easy."

"Then I'll just have to do my best to get to easier," I resolved.

Carlisle took my coat from me as I shook the snow from my hair. Edward was stoking the fire that had become embers in our absence. I looked around the room. It was home.

As I felt different, I felt my enthusiasm grow for things I had almost forgotten from my human life. First, I decorated.

The lodge hadn't changed much since we first arrived. When items arrived in Virginia from Ashland, Carlisle and Edward had brought a lot of it here to try and make it more comfortable and more like home – however, it still felt very masculine. Living with two men, I wasn't going to make the décor pink and lacy, but I wanted to take a bit of hunting out of the hunting lodge.

I paged through the Montgomery Ward catalog and picked out knick knacks, furnishings, wall coverings, and rugs. I made it feel like home, not just a place to hide from the sunlight. My next project would be the house in Virginia. There were so many things I would have to overcome before I could move there.

"Like what?" Edward said as he took a seat. I was surprised he asked.

"Not wanting to charge into those houses and attack the first human I see."

"You already over came that tonight."

_Now he was trying to be positive? _

"I was out of line before. You made tremendous strides tonight. Not once did you pull away or think about trying to pull away. You were too focused on not doing just that. I'm sure by spring, you'll be able to start interacting with them."

I was beaming. Yes, winter was just starting, but spring would get here quickly. But even if I could move in tomorrow, what would that mean for us? Propriety of a courtship when living in the same house removed from other's eyes was one thing, but the propriety of a young doctor living in the same house as a young woman…would I have to be his sister?

"Ah, that is a _thing_." Edward said realizing my concern.

I stood up and floated over to the piano. I sat down and started playing Silent Night. _Silence is golden_, I thought.

* * *

_January 1922_

"I have something for you."

"A present?"

Carlisle smiled. I didn't need gifts. The way he looked at me was more than I ever needed. Two amazing months of open conversation, but at the same time just scratching the surface.

"I'm hoping you appreciate this gift, or rather I should say gifts…" I saw apprehension touch his eyes.

"I'm sure I'll love it, whatever it is," I tried assuring him, and I knew it would be true. How could I not love anything that he thought to give to me?

Carlisle stood up and walked over behind his desk. He slid open the bottom drawer and removed something from it. He walked back over to the sofa with a box in his hands and sat down on the sofa beside me.

He looked at me with his piercing eyes.

"Your eyes are changing. It is a slow process but I can see the first hint of yellow tingeing the red. In another few months, I'm sure they will match ours. You are becoming better at hunting."

I laughed. "A little less ripped clothes and a little less blood on me. I think I have a long way to go to get to your refinement, sir."

"But you are always improving, Esme. Moving forward. It is wonderful. _You_ are wonderful."

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"It is praise that you deserve, dear. There is no need to thank me."

I would have blushed if I still could. He lifted his hand and reached for mine and I gave it freely. He didn't reach for me often. Knowing my past, I knew he feared that a wrong move would trigger some horrible memory. I was willing to take the risk.

"You are becoming calmer and your reactions are not as impulsive. You haven't broken anything in quite a while."

I chuckled.

"I wanted to wait until you were calm enough to give this to you. I hope you are not angry with me for keeping this from you."

My curiosity was piqued. "What is it?"

"The night you awoke, Edward brought back your things from your quarters. There were a few things among your items that we felt at the time that you would want but were not ready for at the moment. Plus your reactions were so volatile…I was afraid you would damage these items and you would be devastated."

I was whispering now, "What is it?"

He patted my hand and removed it so he could open the box. As the lid lifted, a scent hit my nostrils and more than any touch could strike a memory, this scent was more powerful than any touch. I froze, my mind reeling. He dropped the lid back on the box in response to my reaction.

"Esme, it can wait."

"No!" I swallowed as I shook my head. "I want to see it. I'm alright. Really." I needed what was in that box.

His eyes never left my face as he began to lift the lid again. He placed it to the side and reached inside to retrieve the first item. It made a noise as his lifted it. I hadn't realized that my hand had opened to accept it until Carlisle touched my palm with it.

"Ida gave this to me." I said quietly as I ran my fingers over the smooth wood of the baby rattle. "Right after I arrived in Ashland the baby was so active. She said the baby was going to need constant entertaining. She was waving it in his face only hours after he was born and his eyes were responding to it. It was sitting on the table when I ran out that night…"

I shook it and could see Ida with it, Edward in her arms, as she waved it in his face while I ate. I remembered walking the floor with him in the crook of my arm, rocking him as I too flourished the toy before him. I could see his smile.

I brought it to my nose to inhale the scent. He was barely there. It was still in the box.

Carlisle lifted the next item and I grabbed it gently but eagerly and held it to my face. It had been seven months since my human life had ended with the death of my child, but the traces of him could not be mistaken. Babies have their own scent. To a parent, a mother, nothing can compare to the smell of her child as she holds him to her and kisses his sweet head. In my arms, I held the blanket that he had been wrapped in almost constantly for the first and only week of his life. It was enveloped in his scent, which was so much stronger to my vampire senses, even though his skin hadn't been wrapped in it for so long.

I kept my nose in it for several minutes, just breathing Edward onto my tongue and into my throat and nostrils. I tried to pull from the clouded darkness all images of him. I replayed as much as I could of my week with him. I felt like some of it was gone, lost with so many other human memories, but "I remember Ida announcing that I had a son and holding him up for me to see. I can see him as she placed him in my arms and everyone else in the room seemed to melt away. I remember him taking to my breast for the first time. I announced his name to the room as Edward Thomas Barstow. I played with him the next morning. I made faces at him and he smiled. His eyes, so blue were so alert for a newborn. Whenever he was awake for the rest of that day it was just love and silly faces between the two of us. He started coughing the following day. Ida noticed he was warm in the morning but he seemed back to normal by the afternoon. Then he didn't sleep that night. He was burning up by midday. I had trouble getting him to eat. He kept coughing. The doctor came and said there was nothing he could do. He deteriorated so fast. He awoke and smiled at me one last time the next morning and two hours later he was gone. The whole time, I wrapped him in this."

I buried my face in it again as I bent over sobbing. Grieving once again for my lost child but also grateful to have this for I didn't want to forget him. He may have only been on this earth for a week but he was my son for that week. I loved him and lived only for him. Carlisle gently stroked my back. When I was all cried out I looked over at the man I loved. He looked fearful and upset and I spoke immediately, wanting to assuage his fears.

"This is a wonderful gift, Carlisle. Thank you so much for holding onto this to me. In a way you gave me my son back. You helped me remember him and allowed me to share my moments with him with you. Is there anything else in that box?"

He looked apprehensive now. I'm sure he was worried about my reaction. "I can't help these emotions but I need to feel them. Whatever it is, I need it."

He set on my lap an infant size knit hat, a clean diaper, and a teddy bear. I hugged the bear to me. It had been a gift from Ida as well. She had been so good to me. It had sat it in his cradle with him. I hugged it to me now.

"I miss him," I whispered half to myself and half to Carlisle. "I know I didn't have him long, but I miss him."

"He was your child, Esme. Of course you miss him."

"He was the love of my life. He filled my entire heart. I was a horrible mother to let him go so easily. There had to have been something I could have done."

"I refuse to believe that, Esme, because I know it is not true. You could never be a horrible mother. I'm sure you were the best mother any child could ever have. He was sick. He may have been born ill and there is nothing you could have done. It isn't your fault."

"That doesn't make it hurt any less."

"I don't expect it to, but you can't blame yourself. I'm here, Esme. If you want to talk about him or cry over him or anything else you need…I'm here for you my love."

"Thank you, Carlisle. That means a lot to me."

"You're welcome." He paused for a beat and I notice the box was still on his lap. "I have one other thing for you. You were wearing it when they brought you in that night, and I knew it was so special to you."

He reached in once again to grasp something in the palm of his hand. "Open your hand," he gently said. I did as he asked and he dropped my locket into my hand. I gasped.

"I thought it was gone forever. That I had lost her when I fell." I flipped the delicate clasp apart to reveal the picture of my grandmother. The locket I had worn almost every day of my human life since my grandmother had given it to me for my twelfth birthday. "I couldn't see her. I remembered moments with her, but her face was a blur and I have been mad at myself for letting her go. I can see her now." I said as I stared at the miniature picture.

"These may be the best birthday presents I have received. Even though my birthday means nothing now that I have a new one."

"It is not wrong to still celebrate the day that you took your first breath."

"But now that breath is unnecessary."

He reached for my hand again, which I so willingly gave. "I will celebrate the day you arrived on this earth, Esme. It is still an important and blessed day."

"I can't seem to remember any birthdays at the moment other than my grandmother giving me this locket."

"What did you do last year?"

I tried to lift the veil. "I was in Milwaukee still." I smiled as I remembered. "My Helen baked me a cake while I was playing with Laura and the baby, Henry, was napping. It was chocolate. Laura and Henry's gift was combs for my hair. Helen and Thomas gave me a new copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ but it didn't make it into my bag when I left."

"Only _Jane Eyre_."

"Yes, just poor Jane and Mr. Rochester."

"And what about the year before that?"

I tried again and sighed as I remembered. "Charles bought me a beautiful bracelet and took me out to dinner. He wanted to go a speakeasy, but I asked him to please take me home. He did but he said I owed him for the present and took me to bed and for my birthday –he made sure to tell me that he would go gentle on me. No new bruises and a bracelet for his wife that she wore once. That was my 25th birthday."

"We'll make new birthday memories," Carlisle said.

"We just could celebrate June 21, when I awoke to you."

"Or we could celebrate both. I'll take any occasion to shower you with presents," he teased me now.

"I don't need presents, Carlisle, and I don't need occasions to celebrate with you," I clasped his hand with my free one as I looked into his eyes. I wanted him to kiss me. I leaned in just a little, hoping to spur him on. "All I need is you here with me. That is reason alone for me to celebrate."

"You flatter me, Esme," he said as he sat back in his chair and changed the subject. "I think your next present may need to be some new books."

I sat back as well before I made a fool of myself. "You mean I should read something other than Jane?"

"I think you need something not as dark and heavy."

"I don't view it that way. It is a beautiful story."

"But Rochester is a scoundrel."

"No," I hissed, raising alarm on Carlisle's face and next thing I knew Edward had burst into the room, placing himself in an instant in the small gap between Carlisle and I.

"Esme!" Edward practically yelled. "He's allowed to have an opinion!"

"I can defend Rochester without attacking him, Edward," I grumbled_. Do you really think I would attack him over a character in a book? _

"I know…I know he means a lot to you." Edward sputtered. I could see in his face that he knew he had overreacted.

"And I will explain why without causing Carlisle bodily harm!" _Go away!_

"I'm sorry for interrupting and overreacting. Happy Birthday, Esme."

And as quickly as he appeared, Edward was gone.

Carlisle still was alarmed and now incredibly confused. I took a deep calming breath.

"Edward knows that Edward Rochester means a lot to me. I named my son for him."

His eyebrows raised in surprise and his mouth went slack slightly but he immediately looked as remorseful as Edward and I hoped he won't bolt from the room too.

"I am so sorry, Esme. I didn't mean to offend you."

"You are not the first person to see Edward Rochester that way, but my view of him is quite different. I empathized with him so much in my human life, my first life."

"But how? Why?"

"He was duped into marrying someone he didn't love and turned out to not be the person he was promised she would be. When he finally found someone whom he adored he only lied to try to secure some happiness in his life. His mate tried to destroy him but with Jane he had hope for the future. And in the end, after so much suffering, he got what he deserved, a long and happy life with his Jane."

As I said the defense I had used for Edward Rochester before, it had new meaning now then when I read it in Columbus. Some of it I empathized less with, some more.

"I know the pain Rochester suffered. I was supposed to have happiness. I didn't love Charles but our marriage would be a good one. He turned out to not be the man or the husband I thought I was getting. I understood Rochester all too well. He felt obligation at times even though he received nothing of value in return. I longed for a Jane to bring happiness and light back into my life. For a long time, I envied him for his suffering did not end in vain but with him finding the purest love of all.

"I found my Jane in the child I carried. The baby was my hope for the future. I was going to live a long and happy life for my child that I named Edward for the 'scoundrel' Edward Rochester. Instead I ended up blind and in the dark alone, my Jane Eyre gone forever. No matter how much I cried the name across the moors, my Jane would not hear me and would not return. So I leapt as Bertha did to no longer feel the pain. "

"I have caused you a great offense," he said with concern and regret.

"No, Carlisle, you haven't." I assured him, "Truly. For a book entitled _Jane Eyre_, many only feel for Jane. I disliked Rochester the first time I read the novel. It wasn't until I read it again when I was suffering in my marriage that I saw Edward Rochester in such a new and elevated light."

"I think I need to reexamine the work of Charlotte Bronte."

"I have a copy you can borrow," I said with a smile.

_

* * *

_

_February 1922_

There was a soft knock at my door.

"Come in, Carlisle."

He opened the door, hesitating in the door frame.

"I said come in, dear."

He glance around as he stepped in, leaving the door wide open.

"This room has truly become your own."

It had become my own space. I had replaced the old bed and furniture with a sofa, an end table and a chair. I kept a wardrobe, mirror and a small vanity as well as it was still the room I got changed in daily. I had a small collection of art supplies as well.

"Thank you for allowing me to make it my own."

"You don't have to thank me. I just want you to be comfortable. It is your home and you need your privacy."

"Thank you just the same."

"What are you working on?"

"It's private," I joked but Carlisle didn't always catch onto my humor right away. He started backing toward the door. "I'm teasing, Carlisle!" I patted the seat next to me on the sofa. "Come here and sit down. I'll show you."

He walked forward and almost stopped to sit in the chair but I invitingly patted the sofa again and he took the seat leaving a gap between us. I shifted closer to him. _If he wasn't coming to me, I would go to him. _I was surprised by the thought and my boldness as soon as it happened. I guess some of my impulsiveness still ruled some of my behavior. He didn't shy away.

I set down the pencil on the table and flipped to the beginning of the sketchbook on my lap. I looked pointedly at him, "Now you have to promise not to laugh at my attempts at works of art."

"I'm sure there will be nothing to laugh about, Esme, unless it is supposed to be funny."

I nodded before turning to the first page. "That's the house I grew up in."

He started laughing and teased, "That is a funny looking house."

"Carlisle!"

"I'm teasing."

"I know."

"Which window was your room?"

"When I was young it was this one," I said as I pointed to the one on the right on the second floor. "When I was older, I took a room downstairs that had been my grandmother's. It didn't have a window facing the front. It was on the left side."

"How often did you sit on that porch?"

"Not enough. I sat on that swing." I pointed to the porch swing to the right of the front door, "watching life go by. I could see the road from it. I could see my neighbors going back and forth to Columbus."

"You were too busy with chores to spend time there."

I shook my head and smiled. "There were so many other places to go. We had so much land to explore. There were animals in the barn to keep company, fields to run through and trees to climb, my father's shed, my mother's kitchen, my room – so many possibilities in my little world for a little girl to play in."

I flipped to the next page to show Carlisle the barn as I remember it.

"I started with places. It was easier to try to remember the details of building and rooms."

I showed him the interior of my father's shed, my childhood schoolhouse, and my downstairs bedroom.

"Where all my dreams began."

His finger traced along the lines that had created my worn dresser with the hair brush sitting on top of it, the window, the bed with the floral comforter and the blanket folded at the end that my mother had crocheted for me. He touched the pillow.

"Where your head rested as you dreamed?"

I nodded.

"What did you dream about?"

I swallowed before I blurted out just _you_. I thought about it.

"I don't really remember other than you."

"There had to be more than some old doctor."

"It was the most important dream."

"Hardly. I mean it, Esme. I'm learning what happened but I want to know what you wanted."

"No one ever asked me that. I tried to make some of my wants happen but nothing ever lasted."

"What did you dream about Esme?" He asked again with a bit of wonderment as he reached his hand forward and picked a strand of hair away from my face.

"I dreamed about education." I blurted out.

"Education?" he asked as he pulled his hand back.

"I know it is silly for a girl off a farm to dream of attending college but I loved school. I had a thirst for knowledge. I dreamed of earning a degree and my name being called as my parents watched proudly. I doubt even if I had finished secondary school I would have been able to to go. Helen and Grace didn't get to go and their parents had the money."

"But did they have the ambition? Did they want to go to a university?"

"I don't think they did. I don't know how Grace did in school but Helen didn't really enjoy it. She was more focused on the boys than her schoolwork."

"You wanted it. It would have happened."

"Don't, Carlisle. I have enough regrets and mistakes."

I flipped the page to change the subject. "That's my father."

"I know. I met him. It is an excellent likeness."

"In the hospital." He nodded.

I flipped on to my mother, then Sarah, Michael, and Millie.

"Your sister looks so different from you."

"She was my opposite in every way," I sighed with a heavy heart.

"You didn't get along?"

"I loved her so much but whatever I did was never enough. She wanted what she perceived as my perfect life in the city. When I told her what was happening in my marriage she refused to believe me. She never forgave me."

"I don't mean to make you sad."

"It is good Carlisle. I had written them off. I had tried to forget them all for the sake of Edward being my only family…but I never could. Even with the pain they caused me."

I flipped to the next page. "This is William, my younger brother. He's 17 right now. The same as your Edward."

"Our Edward." Carlisle spoke softly, " He is as much a part of your heart as he is of mine."

"He wanted to rescue me. He was 15 when I begged my parents to let me leave Charles and come home. They refused but William overheard it and suggested we go west so I could teach and he would support me by becoming a miner."

I picked up the charcoal pencil and put a smudge on his cheek.

"There, just like a miner."

"You miss him?"

I nodded.

"I do. I made him promise me to finish his schooling and marry for love and cherish her ever day. I hope he is happy. I hope he isn't worried about me."

"I'm sure not a day goes by that he doesn't wonder about his big sister."

"I wish his sister wasn't so forgetful."

"What do you mean?"

"There's only so much I can hold onto. I'm grasping for it really. All these images are me just trying to grab onto them and hold onto them so I won't forget they existed in my life."

"They are there still. You are capturing them beautifully."

"I wish I could tell Helen and Thomas that I'm alright."

I flipped to the picture I had been working on. It wasn't like the others. The others were portraits but this was a moment of life. Thomas and Helen at the breakfast table in their Milwaukee home, holding hands on top of the table as they looked in each other eyes. Thomas was at the head of the table and Helen, obviously with child, was to his right. Laura was sitting across from her mother, beaming at her.

"They look so happy."

"They always were. When you were with them you were surrounded by love. Helen was my sister for all intents and purposes. I adored her and I know she loved me so much. Thomas was such a good man. He took such a great burden on himself with me and my situation. He welcomed me into his home with open arms and did everything in his power to keep me safe. He came to mean just as much to me as Helen did."

"And the little girl?"

"That is Miss Laura. Her mother's daughter but also a daddy's girl. She was almost a year old by the time Thomas came home from the war and he made up for it. Such a pretty and happy child. She brightened so many of my days when I was in Milwaukee."

He sensed my emotions.

"You can't contact them, Esme."

"I know. They think I have gone into hiding somewhere with my child never to be heard from again and it is better that it stays that way."

"It is."

"But I know they must worry. Helen especially. I miss her."

Then Carlisle did something he hadn't done since the night we confessed our love, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to his side. I rested me head on his shoulder.

"I know it is difficult, but you had already said all of your goodbyes when you left Milwaukee. You had bid that life farewell and had moved on to Anne Barstow."

"And now I'm back to Esme."

"No, you have moved on again to Esme. A new life as Esme. I know you called your human life your first life, but I believe you had multiple lives in your human life."

"So I was wrong?"

"About what, my dear?"

"About just the cat having nine lives?"

"I'm desperately hoping you stop at three."

I looked up from his collar and met his eyes.

"Me too," I squeaked as I reveled in his closeness. I wanted him to pull me tighter. I wanted him to press his lips to mine, but I had to settle for a kiss on the forehead.

* * *

**Thank you for your patience! Thank you to my betas Melissa, Sweetishbubble, and cullenite21. The next chapter is written, but needs to be beta reviewed. **

**Please check out and support the Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation fundraiser I'm managing in honor of Peter Facinelli's Birthday. http:/www(dot) alexslemonade(dot) org/mypage/68331**


	8. Learning to Love

_March 1922_

"I need to speak with you, Carlisle," I bristled as I walked into his study, closing the door behind me.

The look on his face showed his surprise, but he still smiled that glorious smile. "What is it, my love?"

"Do vampires marry?"

I might as well have told him I was a human again for the dumbfounded look that he gave me.

"The reason I ask is because we love each other, and I'm getting calmer, my eyes are changing, I'm getting better and growing more confident being near humans during our walks through town. Eventually I'll want to live with you in town."

He went to speak, but I continued.

"At the same time you continue to be extremely proper with me, which I appreciate and adore you for even if I am frustrated a bit. I'm wondering at what point…" I paused to make sure the words came out how intended. "How much time will it take before you feel you can make physically gestures with me? You touched me more before I told you I loved you than you have after."

His eyes were so serious and I could see he too was measuring his words.

"I wasn't your suitor before. I'm just trying to show the proper respect for you."

"Touching my arm or wrapping an arm around me…I would never lower my opinion of you for any of those things," I said as I approached him as he continued to sit at his desk. "I'm tired of there being a space, a physical space, between us. There's no reason that you should still hesitate to sit beside me on the sofa or to take my hand," I was beside him now and reached out to rest my palm against his face, "or to touch my cheek. If you need my permission, you have it, Carlisle."

"Thank you. I haven't wanted make a move that would upset you."

I knew the cause of his hesitation.

"Because of Charles?"

He nodded.

"There is a world of difference between you, Carlisle Cullen, and _that_ man. The most important being that I love you, and I long for your affection."

"And I love you," he said as he gently reached for my cheek. I placed my hand over his to assure him that I appreciated and loved the gestured. I turned my face slightly to kiss the inside of his palm to return his affection.

"So you want to know about married vampires?" His voice was softer now as he spoke.

I took his hand and led him over to the sofa. I sat him down, and sidled up beside him. He again looked surprised, but I didn't care. I loved him. He placed his arm around my shoulder, and I smiled as I rested my head on my favorite pillow, his shoulder. I looked up at him, enjoying how close I was to him.

"Yes."

"I have met actual married vampires – during my time in Italy. Two of the Volturi, Caius and my friend Aro have wives. They took vows with their mates. I know Aro presided over Caius and Athenodora's wedding. As for Aro and Sulpicia, I suspect Marcus may have done the honors. They believe in the legitimacy of their unions, and both marriages have lasted more than a couple thousand years. They remain just as true to their mates as ever."

"You have met so many, but only know of two couples?"

"I didn't say that. I said I know of only two that have legitimized their relationship and took vows to each other. I have met many couples that would consider themselves mated."

"Mated?"

I could feel his discomfort. His body became rigid and he swallowed nervously. I stared up his face, but he wasn't meeting my eye.

"If it is easier, talk to me as if I were a patient," I said, trying to calm him.

He laughed now, and looked down at me his hand once again resting against my cheek. "That would be impossible with you this close." I went to pull away, but he gently held me to him and I wasn't going to fight him off. He continued.

"For some vampire couples it is about safety and security. For some it is actual love, and for some it is a stronger friendship or attachment. It has been my experience that there is usually a strong pull or desire between the pair."

"Desire? Each other?"

"Yes."

I could still feel his discomfort. I wouldn't press him too much this evening but I needed to know.

"Do they act up these desires?"

"Many do."

I nodded. I wanted to ask him so much more. I wanted to know what he wanted with me. Did he desire me? Did he want to marry me? Did he just want a mate? Did he want to be with me forever or was this just for now?

I squeezed his hand.

"Think about what you want."

I stood up and walked out of the room.

Hopefully I had planted a thought in his mind.

* * *

_March 1922_

"I finished _Jane Eyre_."

His optimism and cheerfulness did not match my mood as I practically spat out.

"It took you long enough."

I was irritable. It was early spring, and while the animals were coming out of hibernation so we could hunt closer to home, alas they were weak and thin and not very satisfying.

"We can discuss it at another time if you are not amiable at the moment, Esme."

"You may be use to the winter diet, Carlisle, but your protégés are not," Edward grumbled behind us, feeling my same hunger.

As Edward came up beside me, I put my arm around him. "Maybe we should go south again," I gently suggested.

"I have to work in a few hours," Carlisle stated.

"Well then let us go alone. We need more than what we can find here." I heard a plea in my tone that I didn't like. I didn't want to have to beg for this. I was in control.

Edward reached over and squeezed my hand in solidarity. I could see Carlisle struggling with wanting to appease us both but worried about our 'safety.'

"We'll take care of each other." I tried to reassure him. "There are times when we are going to be separated. It will happen. All we can do is watch out for each other."

He nodded. "Alright. Stay away from the towns. Take the route we have been taking."

"We know, Carlisle," Edward said.

He looked back and forth between our faces, looking as if he wanted to say something else, but he didn't. All he said was, "Be safe," before turning and leaving us to go find his meal locally.

I felt guilty – pain even – to send him off on his own. I felt as if I had dismissed him.

"He'll be fine, Esme," Edward said as he took my hand and we started to run. "He's just worried, but he knows he has to let us go."

"He's not hurt?"

"No. The only thoughts I see are ones of worry."

"I don't want him to worry! We'll be fine."

"He loves you, Esme. He wants to protect you, but he knows I'll protect you, too."

"And I'll protect you."

He smirked, but didn't say a word. We ran for hundreds of miles finally reaching the area that had been our hunting grounds all winter. It wasn't long before we both were sated, and in a much better frame of mind than we had been a few hours earlier.

It was overcast, and I wasn't in a hurry to get back and took to a slower pace than the one we arrived at. Carlisle would be at the hospital for hours.

Edward laughed. "What if I wanted to get back?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm just teasing you, Esme. I'm not in any hurry."

He reached out a hand toward mine and I took it.

"You've changed," he said.

"What?" I asked in surprise.

"I know you have been reflecting a lot on yourself and yes, you have changed in the last few months, but it isn't a bad thing."

"How?"

I could hear the levity in his tone as he said, "You think now. You're less impulsive, although not totally without sudden whims. You have thoughts that you act on. You are more concerned about our reactions to you. You were concerned before, but you acted anyway and the concern came afterward."

"Am I upsetting you? Is our relationship upsetting you?"

"It certainly had changed the dynamics in the house."

"And that's a bad thing?" I didn't want him to feel excluded or pushed away. He meant so much to me.

"No! Not at all. I want you two to be happy." I could sense hesitation.

"What is it then?"

"I feel at times like I'm intruding."

"But you're not!"

"Let me finish, Esme." I listened. "I know you give permission to be there. You mentally do. I appreciate that you want to be so open with me. Early on though, I was in the room. We were a trio. Now it's a duo and a solo, and it needs to be that way for now. I don't want to intrude on your courtship. There will be a time when things circle back around. I believe that. You two will continue to get closer, but eventually I'll be folded back in."

I was greatly concerned.

"I don't like that you feel left out now."

"He's been alone for more than two centuries. In a matter of five years he has gained two companions that he cares for more than he could have ever imagined. I had my duo time with him. We had several years to get to know each other. When you came along…he changed. Not in a bad way, but he's different. He loves me. I know that. But you…you have altered him. He looks at the world through different eyes. I don't know that he has ever experienced love like this. He's finding himself…with you."

"I love him."

"I know. And he loves you," he assured me before adding, " I just question where I fit into this equation."

"You belong with us. You said yourself, you had several years to get to know him. You and I have the nights to chat and get to know each other. For the longest time I knew more about you than I did about him. We have moments like this. The only time I have with him is when he isn't at work."

_Please don't make me feel bad about this. _

"That's not my intention, Esme. I just know your thoughts. You look at our dynamics and go over them in your head wondering how the pieces fit together. I'm just letting you in on what's going in my head."

"I don't want you distanced."

"And I'm not."

"Or to feel that way." My voice cracked. I cared so much for Edward, and it pained me that I cause him any discomfort.

"Esme, the quiet calm that is starting to rule you as the newborn retreats…you're not a different person…it's just…there is so much more to know…to see…to learn about you. Carlisle is seeing it. He craves every new bit of information that comes with a movement or a word. I do, too. Your heart, your mind, you are so open with him…with us. I predict that one day, you'll be watching over us instead of the other way around."

I laughed. "I doubt it. I have the incredible mix of damsel in distress and…"

"Strength." His eyes were serious as he looked over at me. "You have strength. And I don't see distress – not anymore. You crave love. You have it and you give it just as much, if not more than you receive it. You are strong. You have been through so much and yet are so strong. What I think you need is comfort and safety. I can only give you so much and I swear I will be here for you whenever you need me. He can give you so much more of what you need. "

"What do you need, Edward?"

He was thoughtful. "Companionship. Friendship. Guidance. Love."

"You have that." the eagerness obvious as I said, "As long as it is mine to give. Companionship, friendship and love. The guidance I'm still getting from you."

"For now but again, I think that will change with just a little more time."

"Why?"

"It's the big sister in you. The teacher in you. The mother in you." He tried to keep his tone light but I knew he meant the words he spoke.

"I was barely a mother," I said in disagreement.

"But it is part of who you are and it always will be."

I shook my head. _I failed him._

"It was beyond your control. You did everything you could have done for him." He squeezed my hand, trying to reassure me through his action.

_It wasn't enough._

"There is not one great mother out there who ever feels like they do enough. Look at my mother."

I couldn't argue with that. She did everything she could for Edward. She even gave him willingly to the one person who could save him.

He continued, "She forwent her own care and health to try to take care of me. She was a religious woman who knew her own death was imminent, but wanted me to live here rather than with her on the next plain of existence. I'm sure she died wondering if it was enough."

"Was it?" _Was he happy in this life?_

"She did what she thought was right at the time," he said with a shrug.

"But was it enough?"

"Time will tell. I'm still here which is what she wanted for me."

I squeezed his hand this time.

"Thank you for being here. As much as I need Carlisle, I don't know how I would have survived the last nine months without you."

"You're welcome."

We walked on in silence before Edward finally spoke up with a bit of mischief in his voice.

"So Carlisle's not here. Let's see how your speed is waning. I'll race you home."

I smirked. "I'm still pretty fast."

"We shall see."

"On three…"

I beat him, but not by much.

* * *

_April 1922_

"I find it hard to believe that the only thing you dreamed about was your education, Miss Esme," Carlisle said.

It was slightly overcast this morning, and Carlisle had asked me to accompany him on a walk. Edward deserved some time at home alone. He shouldn't always be the one who has to leave the house to escape our thoughts. We would let him be this time.

"No, no of course not. There were many things that I wanted."

"Such as?"

"I wanted to travel. See the world," I said longingly.

"Really?"

"I've never seen New York City or even the ocean. I went to Massachusetts once when I was thirteen to visit my father's kinfolk, but that's it."

"Where else do you want to go?" He was eager for my answer.

"Anywhere! Everywhere!" I said with a laugh, but again the yearning was there as I continued. "I want to see the art in Paris and Florence, the canals of Venice, the green hills of Ireland, Bavaria, Madrid, Rome, the pyramids, the Aztec ruins, and Athens. And I want to see the Orient, I want to climb the Alps, and I want to see where you grew up in London. Am I being foolish?"

"You shall sojourn at Paris, Rome, and Naples, at Florence, Venice, and Vienna, all the ground I have wandered over shall be re-trodden by you. Wherever I stamped my hoof, your sylph's foot shall step also."

I laughed at the line I knew so well from my favorite book. "You are mocking me, Mr. Rochester."

"No, not at all. If you want to see the world you will see it. I will take you anywhere you want to go."

"But wouldn't it be boring for you? To revisit these places that you have already trodden?"

"Do you doubt me?" he asked, an eyebrow raised in question.

"No, it's not that…"

"Esme, I was quite alone when I traveled the world before. To see it once again while accompanied and through your eyes, I can't think of anything I would enjoy more."

"How could I bear it though? The travel to get to these places?" _How could I ever handle my thirst on a ship for days?_

"We don't have to travel to Europe or Asia tomorrow, my dear. Those places are not going anywhere. We have forever and with time, as your resistance builds and you become able to endure more time among humans, you will be able to stand the journey. I know it."

I appreciated his confidence in me. It was more than I had in myself.

"I look forward to that day. I look forward to seeing the world with you beside me."

I reached for his hand and he gently took it as we continued our walk.

"So _Jane Eyre_…I so rudely interrupted you when you tried to discuss it with me. What were your thoughts?" I asked.

"I do have a new appreciation for Rochester."

"I thought you might," I said smugly.

"I see some Jane in you though, love," he said, surprising me.

I chuckled. "Really? Me as Jane?"

"Why do you find that so hard to believe?"

"The poor little impish and plain orphan who doesn't know love. When she finds it lets it toy with her, betray her, and then comes back to him only when he has suffered so completely and is so utterly broken-"

"I thought you loved Rochester?"

I had confused him so I clarified.

"I respect and understand Rochester's motivations. In some twisted way, I admire him for it. As a woman though, I find it difficult to except that Jane would let him toy with her emotions so much."

"He's a Byronic character and in many ways she is, too."

"What do you see of her in me?" I had to know.

He spoke with marked understanding.

"You see your story running parallels to Rochester. You feel you were mislead into marrying a man you did not love who was not who you thought he was. You searched for happiness, but in doing so you became the orphan with no kinship. No family. You were alone and had no home."

"I had friends and a home." _Helen and Thomas and then Ida…they took care of me._

"So weren't you like Jane after she left Thornfield and wandered the moors before landing on what turned out to eventually be her cousins' doorstep?"

"I never truly wandered. I had places to go and people to go to." _They made sure there was a roof over my head and food in my stomach. _

"She wanted independence. To be her own self," he pressed on.

"I always was my own self. But complete independence was a necessity that was born of oppression – the oppression of a man not of faith. I craved love and happiness and family, but at the same time wanted to have my own thoughts, not ones that a man insisted I have. What woman, regardless of Jane Eyre, wouldn't want that?" I argued.

"You are a romantic, Esme. Many women would and have settled for less."

"Then they're fools." I practically spat out the words. _Wasn't I a fool then?_

"Maybe, but didn't Jane break free from the oppression of men too? Wouldn't Mr. Brocklehurst or St. John have oppressed her want of an original, a _**vigorous**_, and_**expanded mind**_?She broke free of them." His thumb rubbed gently, soothingly, over the back of my hand. "Wouldn't it have been easier to stay with Rochester even after finding out about Bertha? He was a wealthy man who loved her and wanted to provide for her and she loved him."

"It was against her morals. She had to leave." I was adamant.

"Would you have left?" he asked quietly.

"If I were Jane Eyre, yes, I would have left. She had always been on her own. She was an orphan. She owed no one anything. The only person she was ever truly responsible for was Jane. Her independence was secure from the moment she was installed at Lowood."

"If you were Esme would you have left?"

He was so serious now. Was he testing me?

"I see." I pursed my lips together. "Are you questioning my faith or my morale code, Carlisle Cullen?"

"Are they not mutually exclusive?"

"I don't believe Jane's were. Her faith was one of God but not necessarily of a particular faith but her moral code was born of a mixture of a faith and personal beliefs."

"And yours?"

We had stopped walking. I had barely noticed. He was searching for answers from me. I had nothing but honesty to give to him.

"I was raised to believe in God and that there is a heaven and a hell. If you did your best to uphold goodness, your place would be secure in the kingdom of Heaven, but if you lived a life marred with wickedness and lack of charity to your fellow man, then you would spend eternity in a pit full of fire. I believed in this, so much so that my last words in my human life were to pray to God that he forgive me for not being strong enough to stay on this earth any longer. I begged him to let me come home to him to see my child and my grandmother. As you can see, he either doesn't listen or he doesn't exist…I'm leaning toward the latter."

"You no longer believe in an afterlife," he affirmed.

He sounded almost disappointed with me, but I stood my ground.

"Carlisle, am I not in my afterlife? My human life is complete. Although my heart still feels it has stopped beating."

"But your soul -"

"What is a soul?" I argued, my voice rising. "Something granted by God…breathed into us to give us life? A human life? Is it not worthless now?"

"You must believe in something?" Rare agitation was in his voice.

"Why? Why must I believe in anything?"

"Because why would being good matter to you then?"

"Who says that it does?"

"Esme, now you are just being wicked for wicked's sake."

He scolded me but I lashed back.

"No, explain to me Carlisle. Why am I good?"

"Because you care and you love." He defended me to me. "You have standards you hold yourself to. If you didn't believe in some sort of good and evil and that you would be judged, you could slaughter a whole town without a second thought. You would have no one to answer to."

"I would have you to answer to."

"I'm not God."

"But your opinion of me matters most."

"You wouldn't have mourned the death of that boy just for me."

I was silent and so was he for a moment as he looked inside for the right words.

"It is easy to lose faith in this life. I've met those that have. They are never satisfied. They wander this world unsettled and cruel, and often end up doing something to set the Volturi upon them. They fate their own destruction. I can't see you becoming like that. You care too much."

"I do," I whispered, my lip quivered. "But I can't see God now. Maybe one day something will restore my faith. In a strange way, I hope it does, but for now, my divine providence is with you – the one who has truly saved me and brought me out of despair and I hold most dearly in my heart. You have faith where I cannot, and I hope you can understand my reasons for my lost beliefs. I hope you don't think less of me for it."

"I could never think less of you when my fondness for you only grows with each passing moment. I understand Rochester's desire and want of a woman who is intellectual, faithful and loving."

"But I lack faith." _A faith that may never be restored._

"You have your own faith whether that is in God or in yourself, or sadly misplaced in me, you believe."

"Intellectual?"

"You long for education and exploration – to expand your mind and your experiences. I rarely have met a woman who can challenge me in the ways that you have and surely will continue to do so."

"I'm afraid I will bore you."

"Bore me? Quite the contrary. To quote your dear Rochester, 'but to the clear eye and eloquent tongue, to the soul made of fire, and the character that bends but does not break, at once supple and stable, tractable and consistent, I am ever tender and true. I never met your likeness. Esme, you please me, and you master me - you seem to submit, and I like the sense of pliancy you impart, and, while I am twining the soft, silken skein round my finger, it sends a thrill up my arm to my heart. I am influenced, conquered, and the influence is sweeter than I can express, and the conquest I undergo has a witchery beyond any triumph I can win.'"

The words he spoke touched me to my very core. His finger was entwined around a strand of my hair as I looked up into his eyes. "Esme Platt, you have bewitched me and have cast a spell much more powerful than anything Rochester's impish elf ever cast over him. Jane and Edward, Elizabeth and Darcy, Emma and Knightly, Cinderella and her prince, all those love stories that you admire, none were perfect. They all had flaws either in their character or their situation and usually both. We are not perfect but I like to think we have the potential of rivaling them all."

"What are you saying?" I could scarcely speak. Was this his intention when we set out upon this walk?

"I'm saying I wandered this earth alone for more than two centuries. I witnessed life and death, comfort and sorrow, hate and love. I never dreamed of permanent companionship and someone to witness with me, but then I was gifted Edward, and although our relationship was a struggle at first, and at moments still is, I had never been happier and never thought I could be happier…and then I found you. You have changed me in ways I never knew I could be changed, and made me feel things I never felt before. Now that you are here, I can't imagine living one day without you. I need you like I have never needed anything before – not my work or blood or God help me, even Edward. I want to give you everything you desire. Show you the world! Ensure your education! Anything! But I ask in return that you give me the one thing I desire of you?"

"Anything."

He fell to his knee before me, and now looked up at me with a look that was so unnecessarily pleading.

"Be my wife. Esme, I love you with every fiber of my being, and as I will never be happy in this life again without you. Please, marry me."

The past ten months had been a dream. It had to have been. This couldn't be real. Fairy tales aren't real. Dreams don't come true. But as I looked into his golden eyes, and felt his hand pressed upon mine, I knew my fate.

"As Thomas put me on the train in Milwaukee last March, he wished that I find happiness with a man. I told him, no, that it was only my child, and I moving forward and I would never let a man rule over me. What he said to me next is one of the memories that I'm grateful stayed as it was very powerful at the time. He said, 'When a marriage is what it should be there is an equality to it; it is a partnership not a dictatorship. It is based on mutual respect and love. There are good men out there and my greatest wish for you is that one finds you and makes you whole again; that your new life will include a new family and love, passion and respect, for you deserve it all. Let love into your heart because it is what makes you complete. Your ability to love is your gift and too many have tried to destroy it. Forget them. Forget us. Open your heart to someone new.' I agreed that if it was ever meant to be, I would remain open to it.

"I never could have imagined that day, that the man of my dreams would be on bended knee before me, being everything that he described and more. I'm honored that of all the women you have encountered I would be the one that you would ask this of."

"I have encountered many, but I have only ever seen you."

I shivered slightly. "As I see you. As I have seen you as a dream since I was 16, but the reality is beyond what human dreams could conjure. One thing I do believe in now is fate."

"Esme," he pleaded once again. "Please, will you marry me?"

"I can think of no honor greater than becoming Mrs. Cullen. I want to be yours forever. Yes, I will marry you."

He kissed the top of my hand and then touched his lips to the inside of my palm, then my wrist as I looked down at the top of his head. I was going to be his wife now. I was going to claim what was going to be mine forever. I fell to my knees as well to his surprise, placing myself in front of him. I was looking in those eyes again, begging with my own to give me what I wanted. I just had to lean forward slightly before he took the bait and wrapped his arms around me and brought his lips to mine. I held fast to him.

I had never felt anything like it before. The sensations were completely new, and I was sure they were heightened by what we were. The taste of him, his scent, the pull at my heart, the whirl in my head, the thrill and desire at my very depths…I didn't want to let him go ever.

I ran my hand up through his hair. If I could cry, I would be shedding tears of happiness. He pulled away from my lips and took my cheeks gently in his hand and kissed every inch of my face before meeting my eyes again. They were darker than usually, and there was something different about them – a look I hadn't seen before from him – desire. It wasn't like looking at Charles though when he stared at me with lustful eyes. There was so much love radiating from Carlisle, that I knew that his carnal desires would never turn to violence. He would never hurt me. My head knew that but my body didn't. I recoiled for a moment, but I overcame it and threw myself at him, into his embrace. If he saw my reflexes reactions, he didn't say anything. He just held me close.

"Was this your intention when we left the house?" I finally spoke, my head on his shoulder, my eyes turned up so I could see his profile.

He smiled. "I have to confess that no, it was not in my plans to propose to you today."

"Do you regret it?"

"Of course not," he said, his eyes meeting mine. "Just because I was not planning to ask for your hand today, doesn't mean that the thought to do so wasn't already in my head."

"So this wasn't some whim."

"Definitely not. I just wish I had the ring with me."

I sat back so I could look directly at him. His arm stayed wrapped around me. "There's a ring?"

"Yes my love; there's a ring," he said with a grin.

"Where?"

"In my study."

"Does Edward know?" I was sure my worry was obvious.

"He knows I was planning to propose," he reassured me, "but I don't think we are close enough that he knows that I just did."

"And does he approve?" I wanted Edward's contentment as much as I wanted our own.

"He loves you and wants yours and our happiness."

"I worry that I'm taking you from him."

"You're not. You've added to our lives, not taken from them."

"We should go tell him."

His arms held me tight. "He can wait a little longer."

I couldn't help but laugh. "And just think a few months ago I couldn't get you to lay a finger on me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I have to admit, Esme, I did have another purpose for taking you out for this walk."

"Oh? And what was that?"

"I hoped to steal a kiss," he teased but I could hear there was an underlying seriousness.

"You never needed to steal one, Carlisle, but either way, I believe you succeeded in your robbery attempt." I said as he helped me to my feet and pulled me to him again. I loved his lips.

"I should have kissed you sooner," he said as he stepped back and took my hand in his.

"I completely agree," I said with a smile. "Let's go tell Edward."

I leaned into him and he wrapped an arm around me as we walked back toward the house. There would be much to discuss and many details to be worked out, but for the moment it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I had my answer at last – he wanted me and he wanted me by his side for eternity. There was no where else I wanted to spend it.

* * *

_**Sometimes magical things happen when you're writing. Moments come to you that you don't expect, but you have to move forward with them.**_

_**When I started writing this chapter, it wasn't my intention that Carlisle was going to propose in it and it wasn't his either, but when the moment came, there was no where to go but forward with it. He was going to wait until she had been a vampire for a year to make sure that she knew her mind and her heart. But he knew already in his heart of hearts that he wanted her as his wife – hence why he has a ring. **_

_**I hope you enjoyed it and would love to hear your thoughts on it. Reviews are love.**_

_**If you haven't read Jane Eyre, Esme and I both recommend it.**_

_**Through Monday, November 29 I'm running a fundraiser for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation in honor of Peter Facinelli's birthday. It is a raffle and there are great Twilight prizes and autographed items (including items autographed by Peter Facinelli, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz and more). Donate at http:/www(dot)alexslemonade(dot)org/mypage/68221 **_


	9. One Moment at a Time

_April 1922_

"Well that was a bit sooner than expected," Edward said as he embraced me. "It was inevitable though, and I'm truly happy for you both."

"You're not upset?" He knew before we spoke the words that we were engaged. Whether it was in our minds or just the look on our faces, he knew.

"Of course not, but Carlisle, you really should make it official." He nodded toward the direction of Carlisle's office. At the moment the thought of a ring was far from my mind. I was going to be Mrs. Carlisle Cullen, but I was more concerned about the steps to getting there.

"You're right," Carlisle agreed and was gone and back in a flash, standing before me.

"Are you in a hurry? Afraid she will change her mind?" Edward teased.

I saw Carlisle open his mouth to protest but I intervened.

"I can assure you I won't," I said, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it gently.

"Do you want me to leave?" Edward asked.

I turned to him. "No, you know my answer."

"Thank you, Esme, but I was asking him," he said as he nodded toward Carlisle. _What's going on in Carlisle's head?_

"No, Edward. Of course not," he said, his voice not showing any signs of discontent. I only heard happiness.

He looked down at me and his eyes never left mine as once again he lowered himself in front of me to his knee. It was unnecessary, but I wasn't going to object. I felt a thrill run through me as he again took my hand in his and with the other held up the glittering band to present it to me.

"Esme, will you marry me?" His voice was laced with just as much emotion as it was the first time.

I reached down and lovingly touched his cheek.

"If you ask me a million times, a million times my answer will be yes."

He was beaming at me, but looked down to kiss my left ring finger before sliding the band onto it and sealing it with yet another kiss. As he climbed to his feet, he kissed me lightly on the lips, but it was chaste compared to earlier.

He still held my hand and I just looked in his eyes. I could be content forever just staring into them and seeing his feelings for me. He was mesmerizing.

"Are you going to look at it?" he asked quietly.

I felt the weight of the ring, but I didn't need to look at it to know he loved me and wanted me for his own. He had taken the time to choose this symbol of his desire to bind himself to me for eternity. The least I could do was admire it and as I broke my gaze from him and brought my hand into my vision, I saw immediately that it was a piece worth admiring.

"Carlisle," I gasped. "It is too much!"

The stone was large, round, and brilliant. It was at least twice the size of another diamond I wore in another lifetime. It had a dozen tiny diamonds encrusted around the prongs, and caught every facet of light. It was perfect. It was beautiful. But it was also extravagant.

"But do you like it?" His voice was so warm.

"I love it, but would a doctor's wife wear such extravagance?"

"The wife of a doctor who comes from 'old money' who can afford such things, why yes she would," he said as a matter of fact.

I had never thought much about his wealth. I knew Carlisle must have been a man of means, as he was able to afford to purchase two homes rather quickly and he owned an automobile. Doctors did relatively well. Additionally, Edward had his own inheritance.

"How wealthy are you?" I questioned.

Edward snickered.

"You will never want for anything," he declared soothingly, but I didn't want to be placated.

"That's not what I asked, Carlisle," I insisted. His face changed as he took my request seriously.

"I've been gainfully employed consistently for nearly one-hundred years but with few living expenses. I've amassed sizeable fortune over the years."

"We're rich," Edward said lightly, but Carlisle reprimanded him with one word.

"Edward."

"Fine," he huffed. "We are extremely wealthy."

"But we do not flaunt it," Carlisle insisted. "It is advantageous though to have so much money at our disposal when it comes to our lifestyle."

"Your lifestyle?" I questioned.

"Having to move on a moment's notice. Having to start over frequently. We erase pasts and create new histories. Money is beneficial to make these things happen."

"Are you saying money is no object?"

Edward nodded yes, but Carlisle was more measured.

"I'm saying that we have enough to do anything we want but only use what we need."

_Like creating another life for me._

My thought didn't go unnoticed as Edward turned to me with curiosity and Carlisle didn't miss the expression.

"What am I missing?"

"How is this going to work?" I worried.

"Pardon?"

"How am I going to become your bride? Legally I'm married to another man, but technically I'm dead. So on paper what does that make me?"

"Confused," Edward added.

"Edward, you're not helping. Plus, how am I going to suddenly show up in your life? How will you explain me?" My voice had risen, but Carlisle again tried to ease my concerns.

"Paperwork is easy, Esme. I have ways of getting or creating anything that we need. I would get some rather odd questions if I presented a medical degree from 1830."

"So you forge new documents whenever you move?"

"Or whenever it is necessary. It is a necessity for us to live a normal life and it forever will be."

"I'm fated to forever keep changing who I am," I realized.

"It's a document or two – a name, a date on a piece of paper, Esme. That won't change who you are."

He was right, but one thing I knew was that if we were going to be married, I wanted him to be married to me.

"I don't want a fake name on my marriage certificate."

"Esme Evenson?"

"No, Esme Platt. Esme Evenson died last year."

I knew the words weren't completely true. Parts of that time and my life were forever etched on my being. As much as I longed to forget it, I felt like there were scars that wouldn't completely fade. I could never predict what would trigger a memory. A touch, a scent, a look…it was unknown. Carlisle wasn't Charles. I knew to my core that Carlisle would never harm me, and I was furious at myself for my muscles and my body, reacting in a way that indicated that I thought he might.

"I would be very pleased to marry Esme Platt," Carlisle said in his tender way.

"And Esme Platt wants nothing more than to marry you." I glanced down at my hand again. "It is very beautiful. Where and when did you get this?"

Carlisle chuckled. "From Minneapolis on that day in March when I said I was kept at work and couldn't make it back here – I went to the city to look. I didn't expect to find anything on the first try, but when I saw this one, it looked like it was made to grace your finger."

I was surprised by the date.

"In March? You knew in March?"

"He knew long before that, whether he will admit it to himself or not," Edward mumbled.

"Edward."

"It's true. You two were meant to be."

Carlisle and I looked away from Edward and locked eyes on each other. It seemed to be the case.

"We'll figure out the details. We'll make it work," Carlisle said, changing the subject. "Edward has been the brother of my deceased wife before. What if he's the brother of my bride to be?"

I smiled. I loved the sound of that – his bride to be – and my grin spurred him on.

"I can take a leave and go 'home' to get married and bring back my wife and her brother. We can go to Minneapolis to marry or some other city."

"When?" I eagerly asked.

"In a few months," he said as reached out and brushed a strand of hair from cheek. "You're not ready for that much excitement yet, love."

"I'm ready to be your wife."

"But there are steps to getting there. You are doing so well in town, but a wedding will require actual interaction with humans."

"What he means is he doesn't want you going after the minister."

"Edward," Carlisle reprimanded again.

"No, I understand. Of course, you're right. I'm not ready, or if I am, I haven't been tested."

"But we will take those steps ahead of time. I want you to be as comfortable as possible on that day. The last thing I want you to feel is fear or anxiety." There was so much more behind that statement – I could see it in his eyes. He was concerned about my reactions to him and I was too.

"There's no rush, Esme," Edward said. "He'll wait for you. He's waited this long."

We sat down to discuss the future of this "family." We were brought together in the strangest way, but we were bound to each other for eternity. I just had to overcome my personal obstacle to get us to forever. If Carlisle and Edward could do it, there's no reason I couldn't do it.

* * *

_June 1922_

"You were brilliant!" Carlisle exclaimed as we halted a few miles outside of the city. He kissed my cheek and touched it tenderly while looking into my eyes showing me his approval in the dim twilight. I grinned back.

"I agree, Esme. You were so in control." Edward sounded impressed.

"It is getting easier. Not easy, but easier."

Edward chuckled and Carlisle beamed.

The speakeasies of St. Paul and Minneapolis were a perfect place to test my human interactions in public. I didn't know how Edward was figuring out how to get us into these places, and I probably didn't want to know. Carlisle had acquired a small apartment on the edge of Minneapolis as a staging area but usually when these evenings were over, I just wanted to run. I usually needed clean air, but tonight we ran to escape.

We had started my training with streets – walking along through city neighborhoods in the evenings when people were around but it wasn't bustling. We then moved on to earlier evening and to shopping and entertainment areas where the crowds were thicker at night. At times I had to hold my breath, not allowing the scent in. Slowly, it became easier, so then we moved to inside; first department stores and libraries, large spaces but also airy and easy to escape. My first conversations were with clerks and librarians – simple interactions of a sale or a request for a book. At times my mouth watered, the venom rising, but I held it back with all my might by focusing on the men that stood by me now. They were never far from me as we continued to test me.

We moved onto speakeasies for their low light, isolation, and, just as Carlisle knew centuries ago, it was easier to blame my mistakes to a human's eye on liquor. With the right clothing, we blended into the scene. I could tell that Carlisle didn't always like the environment, where women were loose and men behaved less than gentlemanly, and he especially didn't like to have me in it. It was never about any of those things for me. I had bigger things to worry about, like making sure I didn't attack anyone.

First, we kept to ourselves, Edward or Carlisle taking care of "drinks" and me just trying to adjust to my surroundings. Then I ordered my own every so often.

Then there was dancing. I had enjoyed the jazz and I could tell Edward had too. I wasn't sure if Carlisle particularly cared for it, but he easily picked up the dances and was an excellent partner. On a crowded dance floor, scents were heightened and proximity was close. I focused on my partner to get me through it.

Gambling was next. Some places wouldn't let women gamble, but at the ones that would, it was good for close and brief interactions and conversations. Edward seemed to enjoy the games more than Carlisle. We played roulette and if the mood was right, interacted with our fellow gamblers. At the blackjack table I could have words with the dealer and those that played at the table as well.

But tonight, I went for it all. I went to the bar, I danced, I gambled, and for the first time, I held conversations. I had been standing behind Carlisle as he played poker and decided I was ready to venture out on my own.

I leaned forward to his ear and whispered, "I'm going to powder my nose and I'll get you a drink on the way back."

His head turned to me almost too fast. "Are you alright? Do you need me to go with you?"

"She's fine," Edward said quietly, never looking up from his cards. He trusted that I was fine.

"I'm fine," I said, as I patted his shoulder then swept out of the room, past the man with the gun under his jacket watched the room. I walked through the main hall, past the dance floor. I nodded to the hat check girl as I made my way down the narrow hall to the ladies lounge. The attendant nodded and gestured to an open stall but I waved her off with a thank you as I headed for a vanity. The air was thick with perfume. I stood before the mirror for a moment taking myself in.

I certainly fit in. The dark blue dress lay flatly against me, but it was difficult to flatten what was underneath it to fit the style. I was wearing the right undergarment but my body wouldn't adjust to it. The cut of the dress, though, managed to make it work. My bare arms were liberating. After having to hide them completely for years to cover up bruises, feeling the air on them was fantastic. I adjusted my beads before taking a seat.

I opened my purse and pulled out a tube of lipstick. I gently rubbed it over my lips making them bright red. The shadow and mascara held its place around my golden eyes. I opened my compact and powdered my nose. As another girl came bustling up to the mirror, I slipped my items back in my purse and examined myself once more.

"How do you get your skin so pale?" I heard her say. I turned to the flapper beside me and found her staring at me. She looked to be a few years younger than me. Her dress was shorter than mine. Her jet black hair was bobbed and her makeup was heavy. I could smell the alcohol on her, mixed with a flowery perfume and of course, her blood. I swallowed before responding with a smirk.

"I stay out of the sun."

She laughed loudly. "Really? No makeup?"

"Just some powder," I said as I turned to the mirror to check my hair. I had it tucked up in a loose bun.

"Oh, you should bob it. It would be the bee's knees on you."

"You think so? I've thought about it, but I'm not sure if the style will last and my hair takes forever to grow." I was placating her, but she would never know.

"It's hair to stay," she snorted a laugh. "Get it, 'hair to stay.' Besides a hot little number like you must be popular among the snuggle pups."

I held up my left hand to wave the ring in her direction.

"You're handcuffed? Already?" She sounded so disappointed in me. "I'm sorry to hear that. Looking like you look, I'm sure you could get any guy in here's attention."

I chuckled. "Thank you for the compliment, I think."

"It's not just a compliment, I'm reeking of envy. Are you here with your stiff?"

"Oh, he's not a stiff, but yes, he's here."

"Damn, I would have gotten one of my friends to help you enjoy your last little bit of freedom."

"Thank you, but I'm happy to be taken."

"Aw, well you should come by our table. Meet my friends! What's your name?"

"It's Esme. And yours?"

"Gertie," she said throwing her hand out at me. I shook it gently.

"Your hand is cold. Do you want a cigarette? It will warm up your fingers," she said as she took one out and lit it.

"No, thank you. I should get back to my fiancée."

"One drink with me and my friends. C'mon." She tucked her bag under her arm and grabbed my hand with her free one, holding her cigarette in the other one.

Her friends were amiable enough,and I held the gin she pushed into my hand. She had three girlfriends with her and between them, three men at the moment. The men's attention turned to me, but Gertie quickly pointed out the ring and that I was taken. Suddenly, I was less of a threat to her friends. I stood there talking with them at length but excused myself when one of the men asked me to dance. That was the moment that we had become too friendly.

I knew I was smiling as I stopped by the bar to get drinks that would go un-drunk for Edward and Carlisle.

"Why are you fetching drinks and not being fetched for, darling?" asked the man standing next to me at the bar.

I didn't know what came over me but I replied with a bite, "Because my man is earning me a new sable at the poker table."

"And you have to work for it? That doesn't same fair."

"Hardly. I do it because I love him," I said holding up my hand.

I caught his scent a moment before I heard him. "And I love her," Carlisle said behind me and did something that surprised me. One hand wrapped around my waist pulling me to him as I felt his lips press just below the nape of my neck. I felt it down my spine.

"Is this man giving you any trouble?"

"No, he's not a problem," I said patting the hand still peculiarly at my waist. He then leaned around and kissed my cheek, lingering a little longer than usual and certainly longer than he ever would in public.

"It's getting late. We should get going," Carlisle said against my ear. His hand slid across my ribs again and sent a thrill through me as he released me.

"I meant no disrespect to the lady. Let me buy you a round," said the stranger waving his hand at the bartender.

"That's very nice, but we do have to get going," I replied.

"Another time, then."

I suddenly heard Edward say low enough that only we could hear him, "We have to go _NOW_."

"Yes, another time," I smiled and let Carlisle take my hand. "Good night."

He was pulling me away now. "They're about to get raided," he hissed. "Where have you been?"

I giggled not really caring about the impending doom of one of our favorite gin joints. "I was socializing. I was talking and interacting with this girl named Gertie and her friends. I was fine. I chose when to walk away."

Edward grabbed my other hand. "Too late. This way," he said as he pulled us back toward the gambling hall, but stopped just past the entrance to it as the alarm began to sound. People began to scream and panic. Edward was perfectly calm as he watched the curtain that led to the backstage area. One of the heavies ran through it and that must have been his cue.

"Follow me." He pulled us through the curtain and to the left the man was opening a secret passageway – an escape.

"Hey! You can't be back here!" The man screamed at us. He was just as panicked as the chaos that was ensuing on the other side of the curtain.

"Let us through," Edward yelled at him.

The man was reaching for his gun but I was faster, pulling it from the man's grip and pointing it at him. His face turned red and he threw his hands up.

"There's no need for violence. Go ahead. Be my guest," he said gesturing to the tunnel.

"You two, go ahead. I'll be there in a minute," Edward ordered removing the gun from my hand, but keeping it pointed at the heavy. We could hear the police now.

Carlisle pulled me behind him into the narrow passageway. It was dark but that didn't stop us. Soon we burst through a door into an alleyway. We could hear the sounds of the raid close by. Edward came out behind us and we ran all the way out of town until we stopped here.

"I can't believe I did that!" I exclaimed as the two of them continued to stare at me.

"Which part?"

"All of it! All of it! I was human! Except for grabbing the gun. That was probably a bit out of character."

"You scared and surprised the hell out of him," Edward said as he laughed.

I turned to Carlisle who was looking at me with a bit of disbelief.

"Now can we set a date?" I demanded.

He walked up to me and took my cheeks between his hands. "Yes, and Happy Birthday, love."

_One year ago today I awoke to this life and I've gone from teacher to gangster._

Edward chuckled. "Not quite. But I'm impressed. You did well tonight. I was listening to your 'friends' and yes, they were none the wiser that anything was different about you."

"It felt good. At times I had to focus my thoughts, but I just kept reminding myself what is at stake," I said as I leaned in to kiss Carlisle.

"We'll keep practicing, but I should get back to Virginia soon."

Carlisle had taken a leave from the hospital in Virginia to travel home to the bedside of a dying relative. The story we agreed on is that while there, he sees the woman he left behind when he took the position in Virginia. He realizes how much he wants her in his life and proposes. She accepts and her and her only family, her younger brother, will be moving to Virginia to live with him after the wedding takes place in Carlisle's hometown at a yet to be determined date. That is the public story of Dr. Cullen.

The truth is he took a leave from the hospital in Virginia to focus on getting his fiancée, me, comfortable around humans so she can bear shopping, a wedding and being in society. It had been more than two months and he did need to get back.

"But we need to set a date," I insisted again.

"We will. Soon. I promise you. We will."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

**Do you like Esme's "growth" and how she has adapted to her vampire life? What did you think of their night out? **

**This chapter took a turn while I was writing it. I needed to convey that Esme has made it through the newborn period and I hope this worked for you as much as it did for me.**

**If you follow me on twitter or tumblr, you may have seen that I posted a picture of Esme's engagement ring and why I decided to go with that one. The link to view it is on my profile page.**

**I've been diligently working on Chapter 10, and I must say it has some of my favorite moments in Esme's tale so far. It hasn't been an easy chapter to write, and I still have a bit of a ways to go, but I am very excited to get it in front of you. I would love to offer you a teaser on my tumblr, but being that it's a tease, I'll ask for some love in return in the way of reviews for this chapter. Give me some love and I'll tease you later this week. Thanks!**

**Thank you as always to my beta MelissaMargaret, who's works you should also be checking out. Thank you to Mod Sweetishbubble and Batgirl8968 from PTB too!**


	10. Questions of Improprieties & Intimacies

_July 1922_

I rolled over out of the shade and into the sun. I could feel the warmth on my face, and I opened my eyes just enough to catch the shimmer I knew was reflecting off my skin.

"Esme?" I heard Carlisle reproach but I wasn't listening. This was our day and I had had enough of his book reading and my sketching. If he wanted me out of the sun that I loved, he needed to take action**,** for words would not get the job done.

"Esme," he said again, and again I ignored him. "Why are you ignoring me?"

"Because I know what you are going to say." I finally groaned as I extended my arms up over my head to stretch. "You are going to say, 'Get out of the sun. Someone might see you,' but I say no one is out here."

"Is there a reason why you are being difficult?"

I heard the page turn between his fingers. Even as we spoke he still was reading. I opened my eyes and held up the hand with my ring to watch it sparkle.

"We need to order a bed," I said lazily.

I heard the book close and being set it aside.

"Esme, darling, come out of the sun please," he said quietly.

I had his attention now.

I rolled over onto my stomach so I could face him where he sat, his back against the tree trunk. He looked worried, nervous even. I crawled toward him until I was under the shade of the branches again.

I spoke as I moved, "I've ordered so much furniture for the house in Virginia, but I wanted to talk to you before I ordered bedroom furniture."

"Esme –"

I pressed on. "You see, I don't know if there is a look you prefer –"

"Esme –"

"Or a certain type of wood or metal –"

"Esme."

"What is it?" I asked as I barely held back a smirk.

"We don't have to rush into that if you're not ready," he said gently.

There was no sound as I sat back on my legs. My high spirits had come back to earth.

"Do you not desire me?" I asked quietly.

He sighed as he said, "Esme, of course I desire you. I think you are the most beautiful woman to ever walk this earth."

"Then why would you say that?" My voice had risen and I tried to keep it under control as I rationalized. "I've agreed to marry you."

"I know you have been through so much and I didn't want to force you into an uncomfortable situation."

In an instant, I was next to him sitting up on my knees. Unblinking, I stared at him. He had never given me a reason not to trust him. There was always sincerity in his eyes, just as it was there now with warmth and compassion. I had not known lust or desire in my last life. I had not felt those things with Charles. I had to believe the feelings I had deep within me as I looked at Carlisle – and when he looked at me and when he touched me, and this need to be close to him. I had to believe these feelings wanted fulfillment. This was desire.

I leaned toward him, placing my hands against the tree trunk on either side his head.

"Esme, what are you –"

I cut him off with a shush as I positioned my face directly in front of his, eye to eye, just inches away. There was nothing to fear here. Not now.

I leaned in to press my lips to his. He didn't protest as they melted against his mouth.

I pressed a little harder, moving my lips against his and while he still did not move away, neither did he touch me.

I never broke contact with his mouth as I trailed my hands down the tree and onto his shoulders. His lips were finally becoming more eager, moving with mine.

His body awakened and his hands landed on my hips, but it was gentle and I could feel his hesitation.

I leaned toward him more, pressing my chest forward so it was just touching his and moved my lips just enough to dart my tongue over his lower lip.

I felt him tense up and I pulled back a few inches to look at his face, to see those eyes I adored. I don't know what I expected to see, but I found confusion there mixed with the craving I had seen brimming on rare occasions before. I didn't want him to be confused and went to kiss him again, but one of his hands swiftly abandoned my hip to cup my cheek and made me pause.

"Esme," he breathed.

"What?" I said in his same tone.

"I…" He was at a loss for words. I searched his eyes but I couldn't figure it out.

"What is it, Carlisle?" I was trying not to be impatient.

"I don't want to be improper with you," he admitted, but I disagreed with him.

"What is improper about this?"

He was looking for his words again, but there was no need to speak. I leaned in and kissed him again, and this time his arms went around me. I pressed my chest against his and lifted my leg over him to straddle his waist. I needed to be closer and he didn't stop me.

I threaded my fingers through the back of his hair as his arms slid up my back, his hands pulling me to him. When my tongue touched his lips this time, he did not retreat but instead it was met by his. The taste of him only made me crave him more. I kissed down his jaw to his neck as I heard him whisper my name. As I reached for his tie, his hand caught mine, making me pause again. He took it and lightly laced his fingers through mine and brought the back of it to his lips.

I refocused on his eyes again, where lust now overpowered his previous confusion, but there was still dithering.

"Esme, I love you, darling, but not here and not now." His voice was strained but determined.

I felt silly. I was straddling him! I would have turned bright red if I could. I looked down and away as I removed my hand from the back of his head and rested it on his shoulder. There was no ladylike way to get out of this very unladylike position, but Carlisle knew. He lifted me gently from him and placed me down next to him, wrapping an arm around me, trying to appease me with a kiss on my forehead.

"Yes, if you want me, then we need to purchase a bed, and that is where I want to make love to you when you are my wife."

"Is it the bed or the wife part that gives you pause now?" I said as I rubbed my nose against his jaw.

He smiled and took my chin between his fingers to look at me and teased, "Both, you little vixen."

I looked down again, feeling once again mortified. I was becoming torn. I was embarrassed by my behavior, but when it set upon me, I was loath to stop it. I loved him. I wanted him. My past intimacies had been with one man and had been almost exclusively torturous. At times I feared the thought of being intimate again. It paralyzed me. But then there were moments like this when my desire took over and I let my curiosity overtake my fears.

I felt that part of my new nature included curiosity. There was a need to discover and seek out the unknown. Our immortality could easily make us reckless, but the fear of being discovered reigned us in to some degree. Morality was dictated by my own beliefs, and my belief in Carlisle. Did a bed or a title matter when in the moment I was ready and I was comfortable, which as he said over and over was his concern?

"Carlisle?" I asked.

"Yes, love."

"You know about my past relationships; that I was only ever really attached to Charles. There were boys in schools that I kissed and a few men that courted me with no success prior to him, but truly my only relationship was that with the man who claimed me as his wife."

"Where are you going with this, Esme?" he asked cautiously.

"You have been on this earth for more than two-hundred and seventy years, and we have discussed your schooling, your work, and places you have lived, but you have rarely spoken of relationships with other people, and certainly never with other women. So now, my husband to be, I must ask you to tell me about your past loves."

"You want to know about my relationships with women."

His tone was incredulous, but I spurred him on.

"Yes. You know mine and it's about time I know yours."

"There's not much to tell."

I laughed as I picked a bit of dirt off the skirt of my dress. "I find that hard to believe, Dr. Cullen."

"Why is that?"

I looked up at his stunning and inquisitive face. I ran my fingers lightly over his lapel.

"Because looking like you look, and as wonderful as you are, I can't imagine that women haven't been lining up for centuries to catch the eye of such an eligible bachelor."

He looked embarrassed, but needlessly attempted to assure me.

"There's only one that matters, and she is right here."

"Was there anyone in your human life?" I pressed on with my questioning.

"You are not going to drop this are you?" he said with a dramatic sigh.

"What was her name?" I pushed on but with a lighter tone.

"It was Hannah."

His answer hung in the air for a moment.

"What was she like?"

"Agreeable," he said with his adopted matter of fact tone. "My father wanted me to marry and produce an heir of course. After all, I was his only child and lucky for him I was a boy to carry to on the family name. He scrutinized the families of his ministry looking for the 'right' woman for me. She was from a good family with decent land and a respectable name. She was pretty and had a kind and gentle disposition about her. The brief times I spent with her at our fathers' encouragements were charming. It was well known at the time of my disappearance that my father and hers were close to an agreement that would have resulted in an engagement."

I processed this and had to stop myself from wanting him to jump ahead to other exploits.

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know. I'm sure she was married off to someone else. She was a good catch. I'm sure she would have been an agreeable wife."

I had to ask the question on the tip of my tongue from the moment he said Hannah.

"Did you love her?"

"I barely knew her enough yet to decide if I loved her. With time, I may have grown to feel that, but time was something that was robbed of us."

"She was the only one during your human life?"

"Yes."

"And in this life?"

"I didn't know what love was until you," he said as he kissed my cheek.

"Carlisle," I said with love, but also letting him know that he wasn't getting away with just a kiss.

"Why does this matter to you?" he asked as he sat up a little more, leaving me to tilt my head back further to look up at him.

"Because I want to know anything that helps me understand you better and your resistance tells me there was someone."

He sighed heavily. "During my time Italy."

I sat up further to see him better. He could hide his facial expressions if he wanted to, but with me he didn't.

"With the Volturi? The ones who are gifted? She was gifted?" I realized, with a bounce of excitement, but stopped because I was jumping ahead of him. He was amused by me and seemed to relax a little.

"She still is, I'm sure. I'm sure Aro hasn't let her gift go."

I spoke with more composure. "Who is she? What can she do?"

He stroked his hand over my hair and calmly continued.

"Her name is Renata and her gift I spoke of to you before. She is the shield."

"She deflects people away who try to attack her?" I remembered.

"Yes, that's right. She is also the personal guard of Aro."

"Your friend, Aro?"

"Yes."

"Did that make things complicated?"

"She was never far from Aro's side when I first came to Volterra. It was her job to be near him, but also a shadow. Be there, but not draw attention to herself. As Aro and I spent many hours tête-à-tête, I couldn't help but notice her. Aro noticed my attention to her and encouraged me to spend some time with her. She was quiet, intense, but also a gentle soul. She took great pride in her role in the Guard."

I envisioned the glorious and proud vampire.

"I'm sure she was beautiful."

"She was attractive and I was attracted to her."

"And she was attracted to you?"

"Yes."

"So what happened?"

"My choice, my belief that we can survive without taking human life is amusing to the Volturi, and most vampires for that matter. They don't understand why I, and others like me, don't take the easy road. They see vampires as higher beings – an evolutionary step above humans. Why should we not do what is in our nature? I'm a novelty to them and one that they tried to tempt on numerous occasions."

"She was part of that temptation?" I pressed my lips together.

"No, but she couldn't understand it either, and she wasn't willing to even contemplate trying our way."

"But I don't understand why they don't see what they are doing is wrong!"

The disregard for human life confounded me. If they were enlightened and knew they could survive on animal blood, how could they not even make an effort to try it?

"The Volturi are not bad or evil and I don't want you to think that of them or any of our kind because they drink human blood. Many don't know they have a choice and those that do often don't have the strength or the will to change their ways. You and Edward have been conditioned since the moment you woke to this life to resist that temptation and taught there was another way. I know how easy it would have been for you to say that you wanted no part of my way, for you to give into what you desire more than anything in this world. It will always be a struggle, one that most of our kind just refuse to think about fighting. But I hope, in my own way, that you and Edward will continue to want to live this way."

"Of course we will. I took one life and I still feel the pain and the guilt from it. How could I take one life after another as if humans were cattle?"

"Very easily if you believe as they believe. We have different views – different philosophies than they do. We agree to disagree."

"And Renata?"

"Her priority will always be Aro. She is loyal to her work above all else. I wanted a relationship with her, but it felt like a relationship with her and her job. She had no balance. When she was with me her thoughts were with him. She could never be too far away from him. She would get nervous and worry. Her focus was on him. Her vocation was his protection. Sometimes I felt like she saw my different lifestyle as a threat. She would try to convince me to try human blood, just once."

"What did you see in her?" I asked with a restrained growl.

"She was looking for a connection. She wanted a relationship. She wanted a mate. I wanted those things too." I heard sadness in his voice. "She was not like others in the Volturi guard. Most exude confidence and pride. They live only to serve and believe only in the Volturi laws. Yes, some are mated but they would forget all of that to fight to protect their leaders. They are warriors. Renata lacked fight. Her gift was to avoid fights. Deter attacks. Her personality was fitting for it. She saw the potential for conflict in my difference. I never did. We shared a love for peace, but she could never find peace with my difference and I wouldn't change. It wasn't meant to be."

"So you left?"

"Eventually. I believe we parted as friends and I wish her nothing but happiness."

"Do you know if she has found someone?"

"I don't. I haven't been back to Volterra. I have had a few correspondences with Aro but he has never mentioned her."

"Do you think about her?"

"Not recently," he said plainly.

"Have there been others?"

"One other that was really nothing."

"But enough to mention?"

He chuckled. "Well at some point I'm sure you will meet her so I better give you her story now."

He was friendly with a former potential mate, who he thought I would meet in the future. I already didn't like her.

"Oh really?" I knew sounded testy and he failed at hiding his amusement at my reaction.

"Yes, really. I have friends in the Alaska Territory. They were friends I met separately but found each other on their own."

I was surprised and calmed by my wonder. "You don't speak of friends."

"I have many I would consider friends that I have met, but these friends are different because they share our desire to not harm humans and came into that belief on their own."

I was amazed by this revelation. Edward spoke repeatedly of how hard it must have been for Carlisle early on. It had taken Carlisle near madness to take down an animal to survive. It was becoming clearer all the time that most vampires just went after their natural prey and never second guessed that decision. It seemed difficult to believe that those that were unaware of the ability to survive on animal blood would be willing to go to it naturally.

"So it is possible to realize that without being you or having your influence?"

"Eleazar would tell you that I did influence him, but I think it was something that was already there."

"Eleazar?" This was a new name to me.

"He was a member of the Volturi guard when I met him. He is gifted with the ability to see the gifts of other vampires – a very useful gift for leaders who want to acquire others with gifts and a powerful weapon when facing down an unknown threat. He left the Volturi after he met and fell in love with his mate, Carmen." He smiled as he envisioned something beyond this forest. "As I told you before, even for mated guards the Volturi come first. Eleazar couldn't do it. He loved her more than his work. He wanted to put her first, so he left."

"Is it easy to leave?"

His smile faded.

"The Volturi never want to lose someone who is gifted and they like, but while they can't force them to stay, for most in the Volturi's good graces leaving is not a thought that crosses their mind. I'm sure they weren't happy to see Eleazar leave, but they couldn't stop him.

"They were nomadic for some time. They crossed to North America and eventually came upon the women of Denali."

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I sat up a little straighter.

"Women of Denali?"

"There's a coven in the area of Alaska known as Denali. They can live in relative peace and undetected because of the vastness of the mostly uninhabited territory. They have been there for decades, and I don't believe they plan on leaving any time soon."

"And they are all women?"

"Not anymore now that Eleazar is there."

"But they were when you met them?"

"Three women that consider themselves sisters: Tanya, Katrina and Irina. They were all sired by the same creator, Sacha, who is no longer of this world. They decided more than a century ago to change their ways to feeding on animals instead of humans. Living in that area gives them access to a variety of game. When Eleazar and Carmen came upon the sisters, the two of them were still feeding on humans, but had a desire to change. They all bonded and were welcomed into the fold and became a family of sorts. It's an interesting dynamic but it works for them. They're like a family."

I was baffled by this confession. Carlisle had longed for a connection and here was a 'family' of vampires who shared his beliefs.

"Why are you not a part of that?"

"I couldn't practice medicine in the middle of nowhere in Alaska."

I could hear the wavering in his voice and just looked at him waiting.

"Did you break someone's heart?"

"Not exactly. When I came upon the sisters while hunting in the Yukon Territory I was shocked. They had my eyes. I had never seen another vampire with golden eyes before and here were three. They were just as intrigued by me. They invited me to their home and I spent time learning about them and their past and I reciprocated."

"And you formed an attachment?"

He was nervous. I could feel the tension radiating off of him.

"Carlisle, no secrets. I'm going to be your wife. There's nothing in your past that will change that."

"It's not that, Esme. I just worry about your sensitivities."

"We frequent speakeasies and rip animals apart with our bare hands. I've been a bit desensitized."

"But I don't want you to be too desensitized."

"Carlisle, share with me." I squeezed his hand and he continued with reservation.

"There are legends that speak of succubi, demons in beautiful female form who seduce men and steal from them either their health or their soul, whatever they need to survive. There are vampire women that**,** in truth**,**are the equivalent of this legend. They seduce men and then kill them."

"And the sisters did this?"

"For centuries, that is how they lived, but centuries of it grew weary on them. They would form physical and intimate connections and then destroy them. So one day, in a moment of frustration, Tanya attacked a bear. She was thirsty and bit into it. She learned that day that she could survive on animal blood. They were eventually able to wean themselves to our diet, but their proclivity for men did not change."

"They seduced you?" I breathed.

"What? Esme, no." He seemed surprised by my assumption, but how could any woman resist him?

"But they tried to?"

He was silent.

"I'm sure three beautiful vampire women who are masters at the art of seduction who acquired your value for human life would be very tempting to you. I won't hold that against you, Carlisle."

"I liked them all very much. They were charming and had a wealth of knowledge having been changed around the year 1000. We learned much from each other. All three were at times blatant in their overtures, but Irina and I got along exceptionally well, but it wasn't meant to be."

"Why not?"

"Why do any relationships not work out? My heart just wasn't with her."

"So Renata in Volterra and Irina in Denali? Any other past lovers or relationships I need to be aware of?"

"No, but Esme, love, I was never their lover. It never progressed to that point. I was never bound to them."

I sat up in surprise and looked at him.

"Carlisle, have you ever…" I swallowed, now nervous. "Have you ever had relations with a woman?"

"No."

"Why not?" Burst from my mouth before I could stop it.

"Excuse me?"

I thought for a moment before continuing.

"279 years on this earth and you have never been with a woman?"

"I was taught that relations between a man and a woman were sacred. That only a husband and wife should lie together and that they were to procreate."

My hand reflective fell to my flat stomach.

"Procreation."

I hadn't thought about it. There was so much to think about when it came to forever, but children had not been a thought. My love had been so all encompassing and focused on Carlisle and Edward. My thoughts of making love to Carlisle had been formed of this new desire. I felt selfish that I hadn't for a moment considered the family we could create, but suddenly my dreams from my other life made sense – the dreams of fair-haired children with his feature. So much of my dreams seemed like they were actually foreshadows.

"Our children." I was overwhelmed by the realization of the family would create. My womb was still intact. We were the right ages.

Carlisle took my hand and pulled my attention to his pained face, but I tried to console him. This was good news.

"No, it is wonderful, Carlisle! I'm not upset. I want to have our children. I want a family with you."

His finger touched my lips to silence me. He still looked troubled.

"Esme, I love you and will give you anything your heart desires, but the one thing I can't give you is a child."

"But how do you know if you have never tried?" I argued.

"It's not a matter of the act itself. It's a matter of what we are and the biology of it. Our bodies are frozen in time. They will not change. The act of creating and bearing a child involves a great amount of change to a woman's body, but the fact is we can never even get to the stage because impregnating you isn't possible."

"But how do you –"

"Even though I haven't participated in the act, I have been around enough mated vampires, that if it was possible for our kind to reproduce I would have witnessed it."

I heard the desperation in my own voice.

"Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean –"

He cut me off again.

"Esme! Your body will never change. It can never change. It's impossible. In five-hundred years you will look the same as you do now. You are incapable of becoming pregnant and incapable of carrying a child. It's through no fault of your own. It's just what we are."

I felt heavy. The dream I believed could be reality was gone the moment I realized it. My chest ached. Carlisle pulled me tighter against him and placed a comforting kiss on my forehead. His voice ached as he spoke.

"I wish to high heaven that it wasn't this way because the thought of raising a child with you would be culmination of my wildest dreams."

"It was my dream." _A dream that would never come true._

"It didn't seem like you had thought about it until now."

I began to explain, "In my other life. I told you I would dream about you. I remember that they were vivid, even though now I have to push through the fog to find them, but they still are there. I never dreamed of children that resembled Charles in any way, but at times they had blond hair or golden eyes or even your smile. At times you were by my side as our daughter graduated or our son married. I know it was so foolish and you probably think I'm insane, but I had no control over what my mind conjured. It was incredible though. It was pure happiness. And a moment ago, and just for a moment, I thought all of my dreams were going to come true."

"Oh Esme, I feel like there is nothing I can say to make this right."

I looked up at him and saw his ache. I tried to comfort him.

"I have to be grateful for the dream that did become reality. I have you and I have Edward and we are a family. It may not have been the visions that danced through my broken brain, but it's more than I ever deserved or could have hoped for."

He clasped my cheeks between his hands and looked into my eye as he desperately made me listen.

"You are not broken and you deserved so much more. You should have been told everyday of your life that you are beautiful and special. You should have loved and been loved in return. You should have had a man who worshiped you and whom you dreamed of every night as he held you in his arms. You should have had a home filled with you children's laughter. You should have had a husband that made you forget about me."

"But I didn't. But the thought of you helped me escape. You've always been my guardian angel and you always will be."

"But I didn't protect you."

I wouldn't let him deny it. He had to understand how much he meant to me. I took his hands from my cheeks and kissed the back of one.

"But in a way you did. I would go to sleep exhausted, degraded, physically and mentally hurt, and my face laying in a puddle of tears, but then you were often there and for a few hours, at least, the vision of you would take me away from all of it. It was a reminder that not all men were like Charles. I could, and probably should, have had nightmares, but instead I had you. If I hadn't had those visions of you what could there have been but nightmares?"

"I wish I had really been there for you."

"You could have never known where I ended up. I never saw that Charles was capable of such violence and disregard for me until he had set upon me and even then, it seemed unbelievable at first. I thought it was a nightmare, but it wasn't."

He gripped my hand tightly, not to cause me pain but to let me know of his love.

"I don't fear you, Carlisle, but there are moments when the idea of the act itself frightens me. There are moments I am ashamed of what I have done and what has been done to me. And there are other moments when I am thrilled by the thought of being one with you."

He nuzzled his nose against my hair and gently said, "There is nothing to be ashamed of. I want you and love you just as you are. I hold nothing from your past against you."

"You are too gracious to me."

He looked at my face now his eyes narrowing as he scrutinized me.

"You are too hard on yourself. You did what you needed to do to survive an impossible situation with a cruel man to which you were unfairly bound."

Visions of my past flashed before my eyes and I gasped to hold back a cry. My voice was shaking more than I would have liked.

"It was depraving."

His hands loosened on me. I knew he was trying to keep from triggering memories, but he was too late. The memories were there and I wouldn't blame his touch for them.

"It was survival and I will do what I can to erase that experience that hurts you so deeply. I want to replace every moment with a moment of love and adoration."

I tried to think positively.

"I know that Helen and Grace were both women that were very happy with their husbands and I know there is happiness and a connection that I haven't experienced with a mate."

"And I haven't either, but while I want to experience it with you, you must know that I will never force myself upon you. We will never do anything that you don't want to do. If you say no or stop, I will always listen. You are too precious to me. You rule over me."

"But I don't want to rule over you. I want us to share our experiences and now knowing that it will be your first time, it needs to be just as special and wonderful for you."

"And it will be. Being with you…I never thought I could be so blessed."

I rested my head against his shoulder and he stroked my hair as the conversation lulled, but I picked it back up barely a minute later.

"While I have you answering all of my questions, I must ask you the one I have been particularly curious about but was afraid I would be presumptuous to ask."

And he knew what it was before I could ask it. "Did I ever think of you?"

"How did you know?"

"I am humbled by how much you speak of your thoughts of me, and I wish to God I had seen what was before me all those years ago. I was such a fool," he said with a shake of his head.

"I was sixteen."

"You were. You were a young lady; little more than a girl. Bright, sweet, ambitious, pretty – you were a rare breed. Most female patients are not as forthcoming as you were, especially for such a young age."

"I was inappropriate," I said teasingly to cover my embarrassment.

"You were very friendly and warm. You were showing your good nature and your heart."

"You made me nervous," I admitted.

"I know," he said seriously, but I could see the lightness in his eyes. "But wouldn't any doctor have made you nervous?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. The bear of a doctor I imagined walking didn't materialize, you did."

"A bear?"

"Nurse Miller was so nervous when Nurse Adams said the other doctor had gone home and you would be seeing me that she dropped her chart. I figured Doctor Cullen was going to be a mean old bear of a doctor that frightened the young nurse. I didn't realize that her heart had just stopped at the thought of you until you walked in."

"I hardly think that is what happened." His modesty was endearing.

"Do you doubt me? You tend to have that affect on women, Carlisle. I'm sure many a nurse has dropped many a chart over the decades at the thought of the unearthly beautiful Doctor Cullen."

"No one will ever look at me ever again with you on my arm."

"That's beside the point."

He brought the conversation back to answering my question.

"A few times, but not in the way you thought of me. There were a few occasions where I had patients that made me wonder about you – a few young ladies who were about the same age as you were when I treated you and a young boy with a similar fracture. I wondered if you had gone back to school and made it to university like you wanted. But you were always just another patient. I never imagined that we would or could be like this. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. As you said, I was just another patient, one of thousands through the years. I'm amazed that you thought of me at all."

"I wish I had thought of you more. I wish I had thought to check in on you."

I shook my head. "But that wasn't a decision you would have made. I understand that. You didn't need me then like I needed you or at least a figment of you."

"I didn't know I needed you, but now I don't know how I existed for so long without you."

I was on his lap in an instant looking into his golden eyes. I touched the side of his fair head, taking a few strands between my fingers.

"I can't wait to officially become Mrs. Carlisle Cullen and we'll fumble through the rest of it together."

"As man and wife," he said as he caressed my check. I loved the feel of his fingers against my skin.

"You know you do have one advantage over me," I said with a smirk as I trailed one finger down his jaw.

"What's that, love?" he asked as he moved his hands down to my arms.

I bit my lip and decided to continue on this wicked train of thought. I leaned in toward his ear and loudly whispered, "You've already seen me naked."

"As your doctor!" he exclaimed with a bit of shock and amusement.

"Shh! I'm teasing you," I said with a grin as I sat back to look at him. "But I do look forward to returning the favor."

He pulled me against him, rocking me gently. "I'm still worried that I'm being improper with you."

"When?" I asked as a nuzzled my nose against his neck.

He laughed as he said, "Moments such as now."

I kissed his throat and felt him tense again and I backed away.

"I'm not a young girl. I'm not innocent. I wish for you that I was, but I'm not. I know by societal standards yes, I should not be in your lap right now, and if you said, 'You Jezebel, get away,' I would. If you want me to not touch you, tell me. Until my wedding night all I knew were quick embraces, chaste kisses and a few that felt improper and wrong that Charles stole. But this doesn't feel wrong to me. Being close to you feels right, but if you want me to act more 'proper' then I'll keep my distance." I started to move off of him, but he pulled me back down.

"I should tell you to keep your distance and I should keep mine, but I'm too selfish to do so. Now that I've had you near me, the idea of telling you to stay away…"

"Then don't. We're alone. We 'behave' when Edward is near, but when we're alone, I don't see any reason why you can't hold me to you or kiss me. You have spoken of my comfort. I'm comfortable, but are you? I feel you tense."

"I tense because it's all new – the sensations and the emotions and again I worried about being inappropriate."

"So are you worried about me or you?"

"Both."

"I'm fine, but are you?"

"I want to wait."

"I know and we will. I promise to not try to remove any piece of clothing from you until we are married."

"Esme," he groaned.

"I love you, Carlisle."

"And I love you."

"So hold me and kiss me and don't feel guilty. Enjoy the new sensations. I do. I'm not denying myself anything with you. It's," I thought for a second. "It's instinctual."

I could feel any tension leaving his body.

"Like a vampire."

I rubbed my nose against his and assured him, "Like a vampire."

He seized my lips and I melted against him. In that moment past relationships didn't matter. The moment was ours. The future was ours. We may struggle and we will thrive but just as we were in that moment, we would do it together.

When we returned to the house that evening we set about picking out a bed.

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**Author's Notes**

**This is one of my favorite chapters that I've written so I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Renata and Irina. One of my betas went "WOW" for both. I went back and forth for a while as to who could have been possible love interests for Carlisle. **

**The Volturi – I thought about going with a guard member that we don't know of from The Twilight Saga, i.e. creating an original character, but that wouldn't be as much fun as a character that we know a little about. My possible choices of guard members were Heidi, Chelsea, Renata and Corin. Although I see a lot of fanfiction and role players have Corin as a female, the Twilight wiki notes that we don't know Corin's gender but suggests that it may be male. No matter how beautiful she is Heidi's role as a fisher for humans would make her incompatible with Carlisle no matter how accepting he is. Although we know that Chelsea is mated to Afton, we don't know when that occurred. But since Chelsea is able to manipulate feelings, for all we know Afton may be under her power. I didn't like the idea of that playing into a relationship with Carlisle. So that left us with Renata. In Breaking Dawn, Bella indicates that Renata seems anxious or nervous. I hope you saw the connection between her behavior and how Carlisle describes her.**

**The Denali's – The idea of Tanya and Carlisle intrigued me but since it is repeatedly noted throughout the Twilight Saga that she had a thing for Edward, I felt like it would have been noted if she also had gone after Carlisle. If there had been an attachment with Kate, even I would have had trouble indentifying why they wouldn't have stayed together. Irina is a bit of an unknown except for being known for bad choices. Although Carlisle didn't say much to Esme now, there's more to learn about that relationship in the future because as Carlisle pointed out, Esme and Irina will meet.**

**I'm writing on the side right now a piece called "Why Esme?" explaining my thoughts behind the character and why I am so intrigued by her. It will be posted in my profile info when I'm done.**

**Thank you to MelissaMargaret, Sweetishbubble and Batgirl8968!**


	11. I, Esme, take you, Carlisle

_**Thank you for your amazing reviews from Chapter 10. I was overjoyed that you loved it as much as I did. I'm pleased to announce that I have a permanent beta team in place: MelissaMargaret, Batgirl8968 and **__**Sweetishbubble. Thank you for your incredibly guidance. **_

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_September 30, 1922_

The knock at the door came sooner than I expected. _Was I late or was he anxious? Or worried?_ I glanced at the clock even though I knew what time it was without looking. He was early. He was anxious.

"Esme?" he asked from the other side of the door.

"Come in, Edward," I called from the vanity as I continued to pin my veil.

The door barely made a sound as he entered and came to stand behind me.

"Emily Post would be furious with me," I said as I continued to work on my hair.

"Oh? And why is that?" he asked with an unusual seriousness.

"According to Ms. Post, a bride taking part in her second marriage should not wear white or orange blossoms."

"She also referred to a second marriage only in terms of the bride being a widow. I think she would be scandalized by the fact that technically speaking you are dead."

I gave a dramatic sigh and smirked into the mirror. "True, and I did abide by her other rules of etiquette: no bridesmaids, small ceremony, and no attendants."

"Except me."

I pushed in the last pin and turned to look at him.

"I don't need anyone else," I said with a smile. Although his face hadn't changed at all there was something about seeing Edward in a tuxedo that made him look older than his seventeen years. "You look so handsome."

"I was just going to say the same thing to you, Ms. Platt," Edward said with a grin. He shook his head with a laugh. "This is your only wedding that really matters. You can do what you like and you deserve white."

"Thank you, dear. I just want everything perfect for Carlisle. He's waited so long for this."

"It's your day too, Esme. Your happiness is his happiness."

"If that's the case he must be overjoyed."

"He is. He truly is."

Edward slipped his hand into his pocket and withdrew an envelope. "From the groom," he said as he handed it to me.

I took it eagerly, deeply inhaling his faint scent on the paper, and ripped it open.

_September 30, 1922_

_My dearest Esme,_

_As the sun rises on our wedding day there is so much I want to say, but I am overjoyed by the realization that you are giving me forever to tell you and show you how much I love you._

_For centuries I never imagined this day would come for me, but I know now that I was waiting for you. It would never have been right without you. I needed you to stand by my side. _

_I found myself thinking about your Jane and Rochester last evening. Chapter twenty-three in particular played in my mind. There are such __fervent__ declarations of love and commitment in this chapter. So now I will give you the words of your Mr. Rochester:_

_"My bride is here... because my equal is here, and my likeness."_

_And_

"_Come to me-come to me entirely now. Make my happiness-I will make yours.'"_

_I will see you at the altar. I love you._

_Yours for eternity,_

_Carlisle_

_P.S. I promise there is no Bertha in the attic and Mr. Mason will not interrupt our union._

I chuckled as I looked over the lines of his perfect penmanship one more time. My heart felt so full that I wondered if forever would be long enough.

I smiled at Edward.

"Your happiness is his happiness? Make my happiness-I will make yours? Were you eavesdropping on Carlisle's writing?"

"No," he denied. "He just gave this to me, but I knew him before you. He wasn't unhappy then, but he's never been happier than he is now."

"Neither have I," I said as I folded the page that I would always cherish and placed it back in the envelope. "You're early by the way."

"Yes, and not because I'm anxious, but because I have my sole attendant duties to attend to."

I gave him an incredulous look. "And what duties would that be other than to get me to the church and down the aisle?"

"Well, while scouring your etiquette book to try to get as much of this wedding day as right as possible under the circumstances, I noticed a tradition for the bride that must be upheld or the whole thing could just fall apart."

I was surprised as I pondered for a moment what he was talking about. He didn't make me wait long though.

"Remember the something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a sixpence in her shoe?"

I laughed at his mock seriousness.

"You are not taking this very serious, miss."

"The lack of tradition in this day, whether known by the minister or not, is so numerous that something such as that superstition seems so trivial."

"Trivial maybe, but a tradition none the less that I intend to make sure you uphold."

"Well you know I have something new already," I said as I gestured to the dress.

Edward had graciously been my escort as I shopped for everything I needed for the wedding and honeymoon. He was my _Godsend_. In the role of my brother, he patiently waited through fittings and many stops at shops that were customarily only entered by ladies. He knew when my thoughts started to waver from being in the shops with the humans too long. He made sure that in a traditional way Carlisle didn't see me in my dress and wouldn't see my dress until I appeared on the aisle.

"Yes, I'm well aware of the newness of the dress, but I have the old, borrowed, blue, and even the sixpence for your shoe."

I had not seen him enter the room but now I saw the items he had set down on the table by the door in the hotel room I was getting ready in.

"What did you do?" I asked as he went to retrieve them and grabbed a chair as he walked back over to where I still sat on the bench by the vanity.

"Oh, they're just a few things that I had laying around."

He sat down next to me and placed two small boxes on the vanity while holding onto a flat one.

"My father doted on my mother. They loved each other very much. There was never a moment when they looked at each other that I didn't see how much they cared for one another. It was beautiful to watch just as it is beautiful to watch you and Carlisle now. He gave her many gifts that have sat untouched for years now, but I would be honored if you would wear them today and except for the borrowed one, I'd like to give them to you forever."

I was tremendously touched as I listened to his words.

"I'm honored that you would want to give me these treasures that were your mother's."

"Well, you are marrying the old man," he said with a teasing grin.

"So what?" I said, laughing. "Does that make me the old lady now?"

"You'll never be old, but recently I've felt that our dynamics are changing. I know you have, too."

"I'm sorry."

"There's no need to apologize, Esme. You are just being where you need to be. Carlisle will always guide us. He's a leader, a creator, whether he wants those roles are not. At times, I feel like he is a father to me. Being by his side, you are to be his equal in many ways. And whether you realize it or not, and it seems not is more the case, you do have a tendency at times to mother me. It's your nature."

"I'll be whatever you need me to be Edward, whether it's a sister, a mother, or just a friend."

"Thank you. I think there will be times I may need all three."

"I'll always be here for you. You are my family just as much as Carlisle is. I need you in my life. I don't know how I would have ever gotten to this day without you, and I don't just mean the shopping."

"I'm happy that we have gotten here and I'm thrilled for both of you."

"Thank you, Edward. Thank you for sharing him with me."

"I don't think I ever had a choice. You two are meant to be and I wouldn't have it any other way."

I leaned over to embrace him and planted a kiss on his cheek. Whether he was a brother or a friend or a son, he was my Edward. I adored him and always would and was grateful that he celebrated our love with us.

I held onto him a moment longer before releasing him and he let go of his returning grip.

"I adore you, too," he said answering my unspoken thought. "Now if we don't get moving we'll be late and you don't want to make Carlisle wait at the altar."

"No of course not. So what do you have?"

"First we'll go with old." He opened the flat box and turned it to me. Inside was a beautiful necklace. The scrolls and floral motif was filled with diamonds. "My father gave this to my mother for one of their first anniversaries."

"It's stunning."

"He had good taste," he said as he took it out of the box. "May I help you put it on?"

"Yes, thank you."

He removed it from the box and stood behind me as I looked in the mirror. I gently moved my veil out of the way so he could fasten the clasp behind my neck. It laid perfectly with the neckline of my dress.

"It is perfect on you," he said looking at my reflection before retaking his seat.

"Blue next," he said picking up the next box and opening it to present to me. "Not that you need any more heart, but yours is definitely a jewel." Inside the box was a pendant heart of diamonds outlined in blue sapphires. "I don't know that you want this to mar your gown. You may want to put it somewhere more discreet."

"Of course I want to wear it where it can be seen. It's a gift from my Edward," I said as I opened my hand from him to take it and started pinning it onto my bosom. "Is there a story behind this?"

"It was summer 1915 when he brought that home. He had been working very long hours for months on a trial. She became a bit melancholy. He brought this home one night and said even while he was away she had his heart for forever. She wore it proudly nearly every day when he was out of the house."

I tried to picture what Elizabeth Masen looked like wearing this pin, but stopped as I didn't want to envision her incorrectly. "How remarkable," I said. "I would have liked to have known your parents."

"I think you and my mother would have been good friends."

"I know we would have shared a great love for and dedication to her son."

"That's only scratching the surface and that is all we have time for now," he picked up the last box. "Borrowed was easy and difficult. Difficult to figure out but once I did it was an easy choice."

I was intrigued.

"I hope that one day I find a love such as Carlisle has found with you and when I do I want to give this to her." He removed a ring from the box as he continued, "But since you are the only woman I do know and love, I'd be honored if you wear this on your wedding day with the thought that you are not the last bride whose finger it rests on."

He took my right hand and slid the ring onto my pointer finger as I had already moved my engagement ring to this hand's ring finger. It was an oval with many round diamonds set on a gold band.

"Was this your mother's engagement ring?"

He nodded. "My father wanted something unique. He designed it himself."

"It's precious in so many ways. Thank you so much for all of this and thinking of it. Touched just doesn't go deep enough to describe how I feel."

"I'm happy you like it."

"I love every bit of it."

"You need to finish getting ready."

"All I need are my shoes and my gloves."

Edward retrieved my shoes and dramatically placed a sixpence in one of them before he bent down and slipped them on my feet. I took care of my gloves and he helped me to my feet and led me over to the mirror.

I studied myself for a moment. I was such a different bride this time. I was happy. I was in love. Content was not in my vocabulary today. I wanted to race down the aisle at that very moment.

"Not quite yet, Esme. Patience. You'll be Mrs. Cullen soon enough."

I giggled. I couldn't help it.

"This is really happening, isn't it?" I said out loud to no one in particular.

"Yes it is." Edward was grinning behind me.

I twirled around once and looked in the mirror again. _This_ was so right. _Everything_ was right.

"You look beautiful, Esme."

I twirled in a circle and threw my arms around him. He caught me in an embrace.

"I don't want to wrinkle your dress," he said but didn't let go.

"Forget the dress," I said holding onto him.

We could hear the trotting of horses as a carriage approached the front of the hotel. If it had been sunny, we would have walked the streets of Duluth, Minnesota to the First Presbyterian Church, staying in the shadows of the buildings and trees. Luckily overcast skies had reigned over the town since yesterday so Edward didn't have to cancel the carriage.

Carlisle wanted a faith based service. He wanted us joined before "God." Like most of rural Ohio, I had been raised, baptized and married in a Methodist Episcopal church. I didn't want to be married again in one. Carlisle had been raised with Anglican beliefs ingrained by his father. It came down to an acceptable faith, location and a minister willing to marry us. It helped that Presbyterians place great importance upon life-long learning and education.

The Presbyterians were accepting of the gentlemanly doctor with no family and the woman he loved whose only family, her brother, supported the marriage.

Duluth was close enough to the lodge that we could honeymoon there. We had originally discussed marrying in Minneapolis, but when we started to look at the best way to coordinate our comings and goings to Virginia, it seemed like Duluth was a better choice. It was far enough away yet close enough for us. Carlisle and I would leave in the car after the ceremony supposedly for a place along Lake Superior, but we would head for our lodge. We felt it would be safer to stay away from humans. He had shooed Edward and I to Duluth three days ago to prepare it. He wanted it to be a special escape for us. I didn't know what he meant, but knew in a few hours I would find out. While we were away, Edward was planning on doing some exploring on his own. He had a few things he wanted to look into with his affairs in Chicago and he would rendezvous with us in Virginia at our "new" home in two weeks time.

Edward released me and went to retrieve my flowers.

"There," he said as he handed them to me and I looked in glass again. "Perfect."

"We should get going, _brother_," I teased.

"Yes, dearest _sister_," he said as he offered me his arm. As we reached the door he asked, "Do you have everything that you need?"

"I'm missing the groom."

He grinned at me. "The groom is right where he's supposed to be."

Heads turned as we walked through the hotel lobby. There were smiles and I could clearly hear the murmurs about a beautiful bride. A few people even offered their congratulations, which I took with a nod. I knew I was beaming as Edward helped me up into the carriage.

Edward clasped my hand as the carriage paraded to the church. People waved from the sidewalk and shouted congratulations. I took it all in. I wouldn't let a moment of this day be missed.

I fingered the edge of the fabric wrapped around my bouquet. Through my gloves I felt a bump in the material. I could feel Edward's eyes on me as I lifted the flowers to inspect it and found a familiar embroidered _C.C_. on the handkerchief that was in my possession for so long.

"I didn't think you would mind."

"Not at all. You truly did think of everything, Edward. Thank you."

He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Anything for you."

We were stopping. We had arrived at the church. Edward told me to wait while he left the carriage and went inside. He was back a few minutes later with the minister's wife at his side.

He held out his hand to help me down while Reverend Anderson's wife, Elma, prattled away. "Oh Miss Platt! You look beautiful! Your Dr. Cullen is a lucky man. Now, if you just follow me into the back of the church we'll get started shortly."

"I hope by shortly she means immediately," I murmured as I ascended the steps on Edward's arm.

He laughed quietly. "Patience, Miss Platt. Within the hour you will be Mrs. Cullen."

"I don't want to wait that long," I said teasingly.

The doors were closed to the sanctuary as we entered the foyer. Mrs. Anderson disappeared to check in with her husband while Edward turned to me and fixed my veil. He spoke quietly.

"Some of the congregation is present. Mrs. Anderson is quite the gossip, but she also with kindness shared the story of the bride and groom with no family other than each other. They are here to be supportive to the couple who have decided to join their lives in their church."

"That is very kind of them," I said as I took a deep breath from my flowers to focus on that scent.

"I know it is unexpected, but you fed last night. You've handled more humans than this in closer quarters than this. Just focus on Carlisle, Mrs. Cullen."

I nodded in agreement.

"Alright, my dear," said Mrs. Anderson as she reappeared from a side door. "Let me have you and your brother stand right here," she said as she gestured. "The organist will start the _Bridal Chorus_ in just a moment. I'll then open the doors and signal when you can start walking down the aisle. Your groom will meet you at the end of the aisle. And I just want to let you know so you won't be startled, some of our congregants are here. They didn't want you to go through such a special day alone. They are here to show their support for you and your soon to be husband."

"Thank you for telling me, Mrs. Anderson," I said with a smile, "but I have a feeling that the only person I'll see once I walk through those doors is Carlisle."

She smiled. "I'm sure that will be the case."

Just then the music began. I felt excited from my toes to the top of my head and had to stop myself from running forward, ripping the doors open and sprinting down the aisle.

Edward spoke for my ears only. "Please don't. You're almost there."

I bobbed my head and tried to pull back the grin on my lips but I couldn't. It wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried. I may be the goofiest looking bride to ever walk down an aisle, but I didn't care.

"You're not goofy. You're beautifully happy."

I giggled and squeezed his arm gently. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Now let's get this show on the road."

Mrs. Anderson nodded and we nodded in return. Then she opened the doors. I saw people standing in the pews toward the front. They were the strangers whose good hearts brought them to their church on this day. I was grateful for their unnecessary kindness. With the slope of the aisle I couldn't see past them though until I walked through the doorway and then I saw him.

Carlisle looked magnificent and also was wearing a goofy grin – or as Edward said a _beautifully happy _grin. I locked eyes with him through my veil and wouldn't let him go. I floated down the aisle toward him. I didn't see the flock or the minister or Edward anymore. There was only Carlisle.

Mrs. Anderson had somehow magically made her way to the altar and as Edward handed my arm to Carlisle she took my bouquet. The music stopped and Reverend Anderson had to clear his throat to get our attention.

"Ah, young love," he said quietly with a kind smile before beginning. "We have gathered in the presence of God to give thanks for the gift of marriage, to witness the joining together of Esme and Carlisle, to surround them with our prayers, and to ask God's blessing upon them, so that they may be strengthened for their life together and nurtured in their love for God."

My eyes left the minister and returned to Carlisle, who I found was watching me. His fingers threaded through my own, linking us together. Yes, the ceremony was important. In sickness and in health were irrelevant to us, but the words of promise, faith, and love were important. He prayed over us and charged us and made us gladly declare our intent.

"I ask you now in the presence of God and these people, to declare your intention to enter into union with one another through the grace of Jesus Christ, who calls you into union with himself.

"Esme, will you have Carlisle to be your husband, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

"I will."

The readings from Corinthians and Genesis followed and then the minister spoke to us.

"When you two first came to me and inquired about me marrying you, I had my concerns. You two were alone, except for your brother, and I worried that you had lacked guidance in making your decision to enter into matrimony. Very quickly though I realized that your connection was unlike anything I had ever witnessed before. I don't truly understand it and I haven't been able to find a satisfactory way to put it into words. There is a spirituality and reverence that you two emit for one and other that is sacred and I feel is beyond the bonds and vows that you make today. I have no doubt that your love is eternal and will continue to blossom over time. Be each others' best friend and each others' happiness. Your love will last forever."

Carlisle squeezed my hand. I didn't need to hear this stranger's words to know they were true. We were fated. That moment was meant to be ours and we would be each other's forever.

"Since it is your desire to marry, please join your right hands and with your promises bind yourselves together as husband and wife. Carlisle, please repeat after me."

I only heard Carlisle and every emotion with every word spoken.

"I, Carlisle, take you, Esme, to be my wife from this day forward. I offer you my love and support throughout our lives. To join with you and to share all that is to come; the happiness and joy as well as the challenges which life brings. I promise to be faithful to you; to be open and honest with you. I will respect, trust, help, and care for you. I have found in you the one who completes me, the one that God intended me to be with, my soul-mate. I will love you and be thankful for the blessing of your love,  
as long as we both shall live."

I repeated the words with just as much emotion. The words were so true. A higher being, a powerful force, had intended us to be together.

I removed my ring finger from the glove in preparation of the next part as Edward handed the minister the rings.

"These rings are the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace, signifying to us the union between Jesus Christ and his church.

"Bless, O Lord, the giving of these rings that they who give them and they who receive them may live in your peace and continue in your favor all the days of their life; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

He took my hand in his and slid the band gently onto my finger. He lifted my hand and gently kissed the ring as he done when he had presented me with my engagement ring. If I could have produced tears they would have been pouring down my face with happiness.

"Esme, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and faithfulness. With all that I am and all that I have, I join in covenant with you, in the name of God our Creator, Christ our Redeemer, and the Holy Spirit, our Sustainer."

It was a bit more faith than I felt, but I dutiful repeated the words as I slid the ring on his finger, symbolically binding him to me. Before the witnesses, the minister, Edward, and God if such being existed, he was mine and I was his.

"You have declared your consent and vows before God and these witnesses. May God confirm your covenant and fill you both with grace."

Reverend Anderson turned to address the congregation. "Now that Esme and Carlisle have given themselves to each other by solemn vows, with the joining of hands, and the giving and receiving of rings, I announce to you that they are husband and wife; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Those whom God has joined together, let no one put asunder. Amen."

Husband and wife! I wanted to scream it to the rafters, but I couldn't quite yet.

We lit the candle symbolizing our unity and the minister prayed over us once more and then he said, "Go into the world and fulfill your lives. Hold fast to your ideals. Give to one another new experiences of joy. Challenge one another that you may grow. May the love you hold for each other, now sealed in marriage, continue to mature that your life together may be a source of strength and inspiration to the community of your family and to the wider circle of the world.

"You may now kiss the bride."

Carlisle gently lifted the veil from my face and beheld my eyes with no barrier. There were no impediments now, nor would there ever be any again. His lips touched mine. It was chaste, but perfect as he withdrew and whispered, "I love you." All the words spoken that day between us had been words written by others meant to bind any couple, but those words from his lips were what mattered.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to Dr. and Mrs. Carlisle Cullen."

I felt a thrill run through my body again at that introduction that made it real and official. Goodbye Platt and Evenson. I was Mrs. Cullen and would be for all time.

Mrs. Anderson handed me my flowers as the _Wedding March_ began to play and we made our way up the aisle. As soon as we reached the vestibule I took his face in my hands and kissed him again. "I love you, too."

The warmth of his smile enveloped me as I held onto his cheeks, but when Edward's hand touched my shoulder he reminded me of propriety.

He took turns hugging us both but the hugs were with one arm for Carlisle wouldn't let my hand go and I was not releasing his.

A moment later the minister and his wife were greeting us and we found ourselves with an impromptu receiving line greeting the kind parishioners who had taken time out of their day to be there for our most important one.

We had hired a photographer to capture us on this day. He had set up at the parsonage next door as Reverend Anderson and his wife had insisted we come by after the ceremony.

Only four photos were taken that day – Carlisle and I, Edward and Carlisle, Edward and me, and the three of us - our family, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen and our Edward.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**I hope you enjoyed Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's wedding. Here are some notes on what went into creating this chapter.**

**Stephenie didn't think**** about something ****until she had to write it. **

**Question for Stephenie Meyer: **_**When are Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice's birthdays?**_

**Answer from Stephenie:**** Because these haven't figured into the story yet, I haven't chosen exact days. It may never come up, or it may show up someday. *shrugs***

**I understand what Stephenie meant. I have never stated Esme's religion, although there is mention of her church, in Book One. Knowing a little about rural areas and religion, and separately about religion in that area of the country, I knew she had to be part of a Protestant sect, but I had not determined what one. I happened across "Six Thousand Country Churches," which was published in 1919 (the link is on my profile page). It is about all of the rural churches in Ohio. This book made it abundantly clear that Methodist Episcopal dominated much of rural Ohio so chances are that's what she was and that's what I made her. **

**The (Historic) First Presbyterian Church was the first congregation established in Duluth and it is still active today. **

**I know many people, myself included, would like to think that Esme married Carlisle in a beautiful long gown with a big long train, but that wasn't the style in 1922. You'll find on my profile page a link to a picture of an American bride named Evelyn. By pure coincidence her real life wedding day was the same day that I chose as Carlisle and Esme's. If you look at royal weddings from that time period, even those brides wore this shorter dress style.**

**Emily Post was a big help. I found online "The Day of the Wedding" by Emily Post from 1922. The link is on my profile page. It was great reading for understanding what was proper for a wedding in 1922. **

**I hope you liked Edward's gifts. You know what the "something borrowed" looks like, but if you want to see what the "something old" and "something blue" look like there's a link on my profile page.**

**Thank you to Charlotte Bronte for her words from **_**Jane Eyre**_**.**

**FYI, if you are a reader but not a writer: Authors can't post links in the story, but we can post links on our profile page, which is why the links are there and not here.**

**I often get notes asking me to write/publish faster. I know it takes me a while to write a chapter, but that is because I want to get it right. There were hours of research that went into this chapter. Just to give you an idea of what I have to look up, here's a list of some of the things I researched:  
wedding gowns 1922,  
when the veil gets lifted during the ceremony,  
how does the bride properly handle gloves for the exchange of rings,  
religions in rural Ohio,  
churches in Duluth, Minnesota,  
churches in Minneapolis,  
Google map searches of distances,  
Methodist Episcopal,  
Anglican,  
various religions,  
Presbyterian wedding ceremonies,  
Presbyterian wedding readings,  
religious wedding readings,  
Scottish first names and last names for the minister and his wife,  
wedding ceremony music,**

**and I could go on and on. I wish I could write faster, but I hope you appreciate the time I take to ensure accuracy and quality. Thank you for your patience.**

**Next up is the honeymoon and I know you want me to get that right! **

**Indie Fic Pimp reviewed Esme's Story: Book Two: The Vampire Years and gave it a lovely review and also created a banner for the story! The link is on my profile.**

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are love.**


	12. Make My Happiness

_**Thank you to everyone that has given my betas love in your reviews. My betas are **__**MelissaMargaret, Batgirl8968 and Sweetishbubble, and they totally rock!**_

_**The rating for Book Two has change to M due to the sexually nature of this chapter and future chapters. It doesn't mean that the entire story is going to become a "lemon" fest, but I felt that with Esme's past sexual experiences being so horrible that I had to give her time with Carlisle to make it right. I apologize to anyone who is offended. If you are hesitant to read it, or have questions or concerns prior to reading it, please feel free to contact me via private message or on twitter to discuss the chapter. **_

_**This is the first of two parts to Carlisle and Esme's honeymoon. Enjoy!**_

* * *

_September 1922_

In some ways it felt like déjà vu. In others it was completely new.

I stood before the mirror examining my new white attire. I hadn't worn a nightgown since the night I awoke to find him holding my hand. It seemed foreign to me, yet it reminded me of another night when I was an uneasy new bride. This night would be different. It had to be. So why was I so nervous?

It wasn't Charles pacing in the other room; it was Carlisle. We adored each other. I had longed for the night when he would hold me in his arms as his wife. I desired_ him_. But while that I stood there in that costume, I had stage fright.

I thought back over the evening.

We had briefly stayed at the parsonage. We took our photos and forced down some of the cake that Mrs. Anderson had surprised us with. Chocolate had been my favorite in my past life, but now it had no flavor at all. We were able to beg off and take our leave by citing the setting sun.

As we stood by the automobile getting ready to depart, I tightly hugged Edward. "Everything will be as it should be when you arrive in Virginia. It will be taken care of," he whispered cryptically to me. I was sure Carlisle could hear him, but my secret present for him would not be revealed that day. He would have to wait.

"Thank you. Be careful. Be safe," I whispered back. We were going to be separated for two weeks. I had never been without Edward for more than a few hours.

"I will be, Esme. Don't worry about me and don't think about me. Enjoy your time together." He kissed my cheek and squeezed my hand before helping me into the car and shutting the door.

He and Carlisle had a brief exchange before they too hugged and bid their farewells to each other. Carlisle took the seat beside me and I blew one more kiss to Edward and we were off.

We hadn't bothered with travel attire. At this point, we had no one to keep up appearances for. We pulled over when we were several miles out of town to expel the cake. I felt silly standing a few yards off the road essentially vomiting in a wedding gown, but at least they had made me practice expelling human food prior to that day. It would have been much more difficult without practice.

When that unpleasantness was complete, we were quickly back on the road. I wrapped my arm around Carlisle as he drove. We didn't say much. There would be time for words later. I didn't want to distract him from our destination and he was driving faster than usual.

When we reached the lodge it was dark. He helped me out of the vehicle and pulled me to him as he closed the door.

He whispered into my ear, "Esme, I know there are so many places you want to see and I will take you everywhere you want to go. I apologize that your first holiday must be some place so familiar, but I hope what I've done to the old place will make it feel a bit special for you."

"Carlisle, you're here. You're all I need forever."

He kissed me softly before sweeping me up in his arms. I entwined my arms around his neck and I laughed as he said, "It's tradition, my dear. We have too many centuries ahead of us not to begin this correctly."

He opened the door and I was instantly met by the scent of flowers. He crossed the threshold into the dark space and said, "I'm going to set you down, love. Close your eyes." I was on my feet a second later. "Are they closed?"

I squeezed them shut and said, "Yes." I smelled the sulfur as he struck a match. Beyond my eyelids, there was light and it was getting brighter as he lit more candles.

His hand slid into mine. "You can open them."

I did as he asked and saw that our lodge had been transformed. He had made the main room into our space. The old furniture and décor was mostly gone. The couch had been placed near the window and beside it sat an end table with a few of my favorite books. New plush rugs covered the floor. Flowers blossomed in vases throughout the room. Against the one wall sat something that neither of us had been in for quite some time, a bed. It was not the bed that would be waiting for us in Virginia. This one he had picked out for this occasion. I had no hand in this oasis. It was large with a wrought iron frame and covered in a beautiful floral comforter. It felt like a garden indoors. It felt like it was made for me.

"It's beautiful," I said as I turned to him. He had been completely still as he waited for my reaction. "I love it," I said as I touched his cheek. "Thank you."

He took my hand from his cheek kissed the inside of my palm. "You're welcome. I'm so happy you like it."

"You thought of everything."

"I just wanted it to be comfortable for you." While he was no longer still as a statue, he was rather tightly wound. He kissed my cheek and said, "Your trunk is in your room if you would like to get changed."

I nodded. I was starting to feel distressed. My excitement mixed with anxiety, and I was feeling more of the nerves. "I'll be back shortly," I said before taking the short walk down the hall and closing the door behind me. That was eighteen and a half minutes ago, which was longer than it took for me to arrive at Ashland Hospital to the moment he bit me. No wonder he was pacing.

I had to go out there. I wanted to go out there. I loved him. I wanted him. He would never harm me, I told myself. I couldn't leave him alone out there.

I looked down at the beautiful symbol of our bond on my finger and thought of the passage read earlier from Genesis: _Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh._

I opened the door and padded down the hall in my bare feet. Carlisle had lit a fire, and now stopped his incessant pacing in front of the fireplace to look at me. If I needed air to breathe he would have taken it from me. _How could so much beauty be mine forever?_ He too had changed his attire, and as foreign as the nightgown and robe felt to me, I was certain that the robe, pajamas and slippers he was wearing were beyond alien to him. The thought was fleeting though as he held a hand out to me, which I rushed to his side to take.

He kissed it before raising it to the side, and placing his other hand on my back. I instinctually raised my free hand to his shoulder. "I owe my wife our first dance."

"But we have no music," I said.

"Not true," he disagreed. I looked into his eyes waiting. He pulled me slightly closer and led me on the first step as he began to hum a favorite and beloved tune. His voice, like all things with Carlisle, was glorious. We danced around our bridal suite to our own rhythm, and we finally came to a stop I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"How did you know about that song?" I asked.

He smiled down at me. "Edward told me that you have loved it since the day he wrote it. He said whenever he plays it that you are full of happy thoughts."

"It's my favorite song. There is something about it that is just so beautiful and so special, and you just made even more so. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Cullen." I had waited so long to be called that by him, and he looked blissful to be saying it. He had been alone too long, but I was grateful beyond words that he had waited for me. I placed my hand at the back of his neck, and pulled his head down to me so I could kiss my husband.

I could feel the tension in his neck. His body was rigid even as his lips melted against mine. _Why was he so tense?_

I kissed the corner of his mouth and said, "Thank you for my letter. I too was thinking of my dearest Jane Eyre last night."

"Oh?" he asked, still leaning toward me.

I quoted chapter twenty-five. "My future husband was becoming to me my whole world; and more than the world: almost my hope of heaven. He stood between me and every thought of religion, as an eclipse intervenes between man and the broad sun. I could not, in those days, see God for his creature: of whom I had made an idol."

I looked up into his eyes. I could see a struggle in them. There was adulation, but also trepidation.

"Carlisle, I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about tonight, but don't think for a moment that it means that I don't want to consummate our marriage. I want you."

"I don't want to upset you."

He was worried, but I was not.

"You're not going to!" I exclaimed. "I love you, Carlisle Cullen. I know you won't intentionally harm me physically or emotionally. Remember 'Make my happiness, I will make yours?' That goes both ways. You make me so happy."

"What if I do something wrong? I don't want to…" his voice trailed off so I answered for him.

"Trigger a memory? I'm here with you," I said as I stroked his cheek. "Focus on me and I'll focus on you."

"I've never done this before," he said timidly.

"Is that your concern?" My husband nodded, and his youth that I rarely thought about shined through. I always thought of Carlisle as appearing older than me. The vision of a young girl had never changed. As he stood before me I could see that the confidence of Dr. Cullen had been eradicated. A nervous young man, unsure of his abilities, had taken his place.

"I've never done this with someone I love and who cares about my well being."

"Esme," he interjected, but I was having none of it.

"What? I don't care whether the act itself is perfect. I'm with you and that alone makes it perfect. You heard the words today too. 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.' You've been alone too long, but I'm here now and therefore that man cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. You chose me. You didn't want to be alone and you never will be again. I was nervous, but I'm not anymore. If we do something wrong then we'll laugh it off together. We have eternity to get it right, but we have to start first." I nuzzled my nose against his neck. "Carlisle, my dear husband, make love to me."

"I love you so much," he said as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Show me," I said as I kissed his throat, and moved my lips from his neck down to the top button of his pajamas. I reached down for the sash to untie his ridiculous robe. "If we hadn't bothered with these silly nightclothes we would already be in that bed."

His hands let go of me, and took my cheeks in between his palms. There was more confidence in his eyes and he chuckled. "I wasn't the one who took twenty minutes to get changed."

"Nineteen minutes," I countered.

"But who's counting?"

"Not me," I said with a wink.

"Waiting for an angel to appear in the hall was worth it." He punctuated the sentence with a gentle kiss.

I laughed. "I think my halo is crooked." I removed his hands from my face so I could push his robe off his shoulders. He let it fall to the floor.

His hands went to my shoulders and slid down my arms igniting them along the way. He entwined his fingers with mine and took a step back to look at me. "It's perfectly straight."

I shook my head as I looked down to gather my thoughts. When I looked back up to find his intense eyes watching me, I quietly said, "For the moment."

I let go of one of his hands to reach for the sash of my robe, and immediately found it covered with his as it wrapped around the light material.

"Allow me?" I could see in his eyes that he was asking for my permission. With a nod I slipped my hand out from under his, leaving the fabric in his hand. He tugged gently at it allowing it to fall open. He reached up, and with a tender touch the robe was in a puddle at my feet. I didn't feel a chill as my arms were exposed, but I felt as if goose bumps formed. I was excited. My nervousness was gone. I desired his touch. I wanted to feel every new sensation.

Our lips met again, and I reached in between us to unbutton his shirt. I fumbled blindly with each button until I felt the last one separate. I slid my palms in, and pressed them against his skin. His lips stopped moving, and I heard what sounded like a groan against my mouth. I took that as encouragement. I stroked my fingers along his stomach and around to his back pulling him close to me. His head rolled back, and I pressed my cheek against his chest. "I wish I could hear your heartbeat."

"It would be pounding." He sounded almost breathless. His arms had fallen to his side.

"As would mine," I said, and kissed the spot where the sound would have emanated from. My lips trailed to his shoulder, and removed the fabric from it. I slid the shirt down his arms and tossed it onto the floor. I looked up into his eyes. He looked almost dumbstruck. I placed one hand on his chest, and the other caressed his cheek. He closed his eyes, and leaned into my palm.

"I love you, Esme," he said once again.

"I love you, and will never tire of hearing you say those words, my dear husband." I closed my eyes and breathed in the air around me. His scent that I cherished enveloped my senses. I wanted to taste it on my tongue. I wanted to be wrapped in it. "Carlisle."

"What is it, my love?"

I pushed up on my toes, and flicked my tongue over his lips. "Touch me." My next words surprised me the moment after I said them. "I want your hands on my body."

He froze. I froze. I sheepishly looked up at him to see his eyes recovering from the shock I just gave him. I bit my lip for a second and giggled. "It was instinctual."

His eyes were darker than their usual butterscotch color. I could see his lust. He desired me too. "Don't deny yourself. Don't deny me." I took his hand, and grinned at him as I started to lead him toward the bed. Next to the bed he pulled me back into his arms. I became rigid as I felt his arousal against me.

He drew back at my reaction. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to alarm you," he blurted out.

I had already begun to relax again. "Carlisle! I'm alright." I licked his jaw. "I'm just fine."

He swiftly attacked my mouth with his own. His tongue looked for entrance, and I was only too happy to let his in for a dance with mine. His hands slid up and down my back, intermittently clutching at the satin concealing it. His fingers wouldn't rip through it though. Even in his aroused state, they were still Dr. Cullen's caring hands.

I wound my arms around his neck, running my fingers through the back of his golden hair. So many new sensations were awakening throughout my body, and I couldn't yet determine if it was because I was a vampire or because it was Carlisle. I had my suspicions that it was both.

While the idea of standing there kissing him forever didn't seem like a bad one, I needed more. I couldn't reach the bottom of my nightgown with him holding me so close and tight. I tried pulling it up by grasping it at the hip. He must have felt the tugging as his hand caressed the top of mine before taking the fabric in his own hands and pulling it up and over my head.

I met his eyes again. I would live and die in those eyes. I felt no urge to cover myself or dive under the covers on the beautiful bed that the back of my legs were mere inches from. Instead I reached down, and dropped my bloomers to the floor.

Carlisle's nose flared and mine did too. For a moment I thought about being mortified, but honestly, for what reason? I was aroused. My body was reacting to my husband. I could feel the wetness against my thighs that was preparing me for our joining. I wasn't going to be embarrassed.

I smirked. "You've seen me like this before," I said as I placed one of his hands on my bare hip. "It's nothing new."

"Esme, I saw a fatally injured female patient who was in the midst of transforming into a vampire. It's not quite the same thing."

"Really?" I teased as lifted his other hand to my waist.

"No, not at all," he confirmed with an almost breathless tone. His eyes had left mine to roam over my skin, caressing each curve with a look, but I wanted his hands to caress me too.

"I'm yours, Carlisle. I won't break." His hands finally moved. His fingers wandered over my hips, my waist, my stomach, and I was in heaven. Every touch was so gentle, but so precise, and he was driving me mad. When his left hand finally stroked the underside of my breast, a very unladylike noise fell from my lips.

"Did you just growl?" he asked. His voice was surprised, but also teasing and delighted.

"I think I did," I said in disbelief.

"Do you do that often?"

"That may have been a first," I chortled.

"I like it," he said as his palms caressed my breasts. I thought of the night I awoke, and I could feel not just skin, but the texture of his fingers. I could feel every facet now as they glided over my skin. My head lolled as I gave myself over to the sensations. I didn't control the sounds coming from me. Upon reflection I realized I sounded almost like a cat purring. When his fingers slid lightly over my nipples the growl erupted again, and his reaction was to chuckle. "I'm starting to think that is a good noise."

"Me too," I said as ran my hand through his fair hair. "I believe it means I'm very, very happy."

"I hope so," he said as he dipped his head down to kiss my collarbone. He then slowly trailed down my chest and over my breasts before replacing his wandering fingers with his lips around my left nipple. Something between a gasp, a growl, and a moan came out of my mouth. The feeling of his lips and his tongue on such a sensitive spot was overwhelming. For a man with no experience at this he was handling himself, and handling me, remarkably well. Maybe it really was instinctual when it was the one you were suppose to be with, or maybe the doctor studied up, but either way I was putty in hands.

I tried reaching for his pants, but couldn't reach the waistband with him bent over my breasts, and I was not keen on stopping his actions. Only when his lips returned to mine did I make my next move. I reached back, and pulled the sheet toward the end of the bed. He must have turned down the rest of it while I was changing. Those nineteen minutes of anxiety seemed so silly.

I backed away from him, separating our lips, and turned to climb up onto the bed. I felt him move toward me and I turned around to face him on my knees. "I believe you can lose the slippers and the bottoms, my love."

A moment later he too was naked, and kneeling on the bed in front of me. The fire light cast long shadows over us in this position. I moved toward him, and he moved toward me this time. We wrapped our arms around each other as our bodies melted together. I unabashedly ran my fingers down his spine and over his buttock. This time he was the one who growled, "Esme."

I found myself being lowered onto the pillows while he cradled my body as if I was the most precious thing he had ever touched. With me on my back he ran a hand from the top of my head to my thigh. When he spoke there was so much emotion. "You are so beautiful."

I felt my leg tremble slightly, and I willed it to stop, but he already felt the vibration.

"We can stop," he said, but I could hear the sadness in his voice. I didn't want to stop. My body was just reacting irrationally to the unknown. I separated my knees a bit.

"Don't stop," I desperately demanded. _I ached for him._

"Are you sure?" I appreciated that he was so concerned about my well being. I loved that he cared so much. My past be damned though. How could he not see how much I wanted this? How much I wanted him?

"Carlisle," I said in a low voice as I separated my legs more. "Don't stop. I'm yours. Claim me."

He nodded his head with a new determination in his eyes as he positioned himself in between my thighs. I looked up at him as he touched my hair, then my cheek. "I love you."

"And I love you," I said touching his cheek in return, and trying to vocalize away all his concerns. "You won't harm me. I want this. I want you."

He kissed me and began to push against me. I hadn't gotten a good look at his length in the dim light, but as he entered me my body stretched to accommodate him. I shivered as I was once again beset by my passions. He was watching me – waiting for my reaction. How could he see anything but delight in my eyes? I could see he was overwhelmed too. There were so many feelings that it was almost too much to bear. I half expected a whimper from him with the look on his face. I ran my hands over his back to encourage him. It took him a moment before he started to slowly move. I was so aroused that he slid easily in and out. There was no pain – only pleasure as I always knew it would be with him.

It was all so new. It felt like something was building up inside of me. What would happen when it reached its peak? I longed to find out. I pulled his head down to mine and devoured his mouth. He began thrusting faster and harder. My legs wrapped around him forcing him deeper inside of me. I could feel every vibration of his organ against my walls. I felt like I was out of control and even if I could control myself or him I didn't want to. Then he surprised me.

His hand at my hip roamed over to my wet curls, and he slid his finger against the mound of flesh right above where we were joined. My hips jumped. I yelped, and felt him grin proudly against my lips. "Are you alright?" he asked without stopping. All I could do was moan as the pressure was built.

I could tell he was fighting for his own control, but was losing. A moment later with a stammered yell I felt him release inside of me. I was so close to something, and I whimpered. He didn't stop though. His fingers kept moving, and he kept pumping into me determined to make me feel something akin to what he just felt. My fingers gripped the sheets below me, and my back arched as my body exploded in what had to be the definition of ecstasy. If I could conjure tears they would have been in my eyes as I cried out his name. I belonged to him. My spirit was intertwined with his. We were one now and forever.

As I unclenched my legs from around his waist he pulled out of me. I knew it wouldn't be long before we were coupled again. He rolled over onto his back next me, and pulled me in close to him. I snuggled into his side and lifted one leg over his, pressing my wet and still tingling center against his thigh. I rested my head against his shoulder. I wasn't cold, but he pulled the blankets up over us.

I looked toward his face and was met by his eyes. I felt like I was wearing the same goofy grin that Edward called beautifully happy. He was contemplative, or was he overwhelmed? Was he happy or sad? His look was unreadable.

"Carlisle, love, are you alright?"

"In all my studies, and all of the things I have heard over the years about this, nothing truly can ever prepare you for what this is like."

"What did you hear?" I prodded.

"It doesn't matter now," he said as he pressed his lips to my forehead.

"Is it better or worse than expected?"

"Better – beyond what I could ever imagine better. I…" his voice trailed off, and I could see he was contemplating his words. I wanted to know what he was so reticent to say. I urged him on.

"What is it?"

He shook his head. I could see that he was becoming embarrassed, but I longed to know his thoughts. I kissed his shoulder, and implored him once more.

"Carlisle, I'm your wife now, and we've just performed the most intimate act a man and woman can do together. There's nothing you can't tell me."

I didn't know it was possible for him to pull me any closer, but he adjusted me so I was eye to eye with him on the pillow. His hand lovingly caressed my cheek as he gazed at me.

"The feelings. The emotions. The sensations. The need and the desire to be one with you, and then when it happened, it overwhelmed every sense: the vision of you, and the look in your eyes as you looked at me; the taste of your skin and your lips; the growl, and the moans, and the sighs, and the sound of our bodies moving together, and your glorious scent. Then this new scent, yours and mine combining; and the feeling of being joined with you – it's the most intimate act and the most personal especially for a woman – you let me, no, welcomed me inside you, and you gave me paradise. Thank you."

It was my turn to be overwhelmed by such a candid explanation. Like magnets our lips were pulled together. I wanted him again. I wanted him forever.

He was slower in his movements as he hovered above me in the firelight. His lips and his fingers moved over my body at an exquisite pace. He was exploring me and I wanted the adventure. My body was on fire with my need for him, and by their own volition, I found my hands on his hips pulling his body toward mine. He was slower as he entered me. Every moment was more deliberate. We had done it once and it had been wonderful, but my Carlisle was aiming for his own version of perfection.

In the past I had hated this. The violation. The pain. The odors. The feeling. It all felt wrong. But now, nothing felt more right than this – than being with him. Across the centuries from when our bodies were formed it was like we were made to be joined this way. It was beautiful. It was perfect.

I fell over the precipice again thanks to a combination of his talented fingers and him pulsing inside of me.

I slid up against him again and looked at his beautiful and adoring face. "Let me see you," I said against his lips.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his eyebrow raised.

I tugged at the top of the blankets covering us. "Let me see you." He had been in shadow, and I wanted to admire my husband's body.

He smirked at me for a moment, and I could tell he was amused by my request before he threw the sheet aside exposing him to me.

I sat up to get a better view. Between shadows and blankets I had yet to get a good look at Carlisle, but now as my eyes traced the lines of his body from his head to his toe, I gasped.

"Carlisle Cullen, the gods wept when they made you," I barely breathed out at him. He was always beautiful. Every article of clothing seemed to fit him perfectly, but now as he laid here before me I saw just how beautiful he was underneath his wardrobe. His body was chiseled, and with his pale skin looked like he could have been a Greek statue. The muscles in his arms and the definition of his abdominal muscles were what the great sculptors envisioned. "I feel unworthy next to you," I said as my face dived for the pillow suddenly feeling completely inadequate to be matched with him and his stunning beauty.

"Esme," he said as his hand slid over my back. "I've always thought of you as some beautiful combination of Hera and Aphrodite. You are perfection. The curve of your thighs and your perfect breasts. A face so stunning men would battle for your attentions. Hair that when done up makes me long to kiss your graceful neck and touch every loose tendril, and when down it frames your beautiful face so perfectly that I desire to thread my fingers through it and caress your lips with mine…and your eyes, I become completely lost in their depths. You are a goddess, my goddess, and I will worship you for eternity."

"You sure have a way with words," I said as I pushed myself back up to my former position of admiring him.

"The words are inspired by the gorgeous subject," he said as he slipped his hand onto my hip.

"Do you have any idea how happy you make me?" I asked as I leaned over him to kiss his collarbone.

"If it's anything akin to my happiness then you are blissful," he said with a chuckle. I traced my fingers down the muscles in his arm.

"You were a minister's son. How did you end up with a body like this or is it a vampire thing?"

"There was still work to be done, and I preferred to pitch in than let others do all the work for us. Also I helped out when work needed to be done in the community as well. Looking back I think deep inside I felt that hard labor would give me some level of atonement for what I felt were the wrongs my father was committing in persecuting the innocent."

"Looking at you now, I say you did more than your share," I said as I dragged one finger down his chest to his navel. He was stunning, and he was mine. I leaned over him, pressing my lips to the base of his throat, and slowly moved my mouth down the path, with slight deviation, that my finger just traveled. The rumble in his chest was heartening.

When I reached the trail of hair that I knew was the road less traveled, I thought about stopping and found myself having an internal debate. I wanted to know him better than he knew himself. So far he had given me pleasure beyond what either of use ever dreamed of, and I knew it would only keep getting better. The curious part of me wanted to touch him, and feel the organ that connected us so perfectly, but in the back of my mind was the fact that this particular piece of anatomy had been a weapon in my past life used to abuse and torment me.

As I slid my hand down slightly further I took a deep breath out of resolution, and Carlisle took one too out of anticipation. I caught his eyes again, and found a look that told me everything I needed to know – _if you don't, I understand why, but you are more than welcome to try._ Curiosity won.

I slipped my hand down further, and my eyes followed the trail. It was becoming wet, and I felt a thrill of nervous excitement run through me knowing that this slickness was from us. He was becoming aroused again before I even touched his length. He was well endowed to say the least.

I was slow with my movements as I traced my fingers gently over his flesh. The intimacy of this touching was overwhelming and arousing to both of us. After exploring all around it I saw out of the corner of my eye his hands grasp the sheets as I reached the base of his length. I stifled a giggle. I loved that I excited him. I gently wrapped my hand around his length, and it felt like it almost jumped in my hand. Above me his moaning was a lovely sound. I slid my palm up and over him, my thumb grazing over the tip eliciting a growl from his throat. "Did you just growl?" I teased as I slid my hand back down.

His response was to groan my name. After a few strokes, he caught my hand in his making me pause. I looked to his face for an answer, but I found his eyes closed tight and his jaw clenched as he looked to be fighting for some sort of control.

I waited. When his eyes opened a moment later, they stared at me with a dark, but pleading intensity. "My goddess, I'm not as in control as I would like to be, or soon hope to be. Your touch is exquisite, so exquisite and arousing, that I'm afraid I may lose control all together, so to avoid any embarrassment I must regretfully ask you to stop."

He was solid and hard in my fist. I knew he needed relief. I slithered back up his body to kiss his lips. "Whatever you want, my angel."

I lifted my leg, and unlike the day in the woods, I did not feel un-lady like or embarrassed about straddling him. Could there possibly be anything wrong if I was with him?

I was beginning to enjoy seeing the combination of lust and astonishment in his eyes. It was a satisfying reaction to achieve.

I felt his erection against my buttock and lower back, and lifted my body so I could envelop him with mine. I surprisingly didn't fumble as I lowered myself over him. His reaction was to sit up pulling my upper body against his, and pushing deeper into me causing us both to make very audible noises.

"You are full of surprises, Mrs. Cullen," he said with a slight laugh. He kissed my temple and ran his hands down my back and under my buttock then began rocking against me. I matched his pace. It felt different in this position, but also wonderful. The friction of my body rubbing against his made fingers unnecessary, which was good because at that moment they were clutching my bottom, and I liked them there. I felt that rising uncontrollable sensation building again inside of me, and began moving a little faster and harder against him pushing it to its peak. His lips were in my hair, on my face, then at my neck, and when his mouth moved over the spot where he marked me as his forever it was my undoing. My body shook – the intensity of it was higher than before. I clutched his back, and his name fell from my lips with a cry. As my insides tightened around him he too reached his climax, and yelled my name as he let go deep inside me again.

He laid back, pulling me down on top of him. I rested my cheek on his chest and closed my eyes inhaling deeply and enjoying the moment. "Do you smell this good to everyone or just to me?" I murmured as I punctuated the sentence by rubbing my nose against his tantalizing skin.

He glided his hands up and down my back. "Our scent is especially appealing to humans. It helps us draw them in."

I looked up at him. "You never told me that."

"There's so much to tell you still, and so much for us to learn."

"So many lifetimes…" I trailed off.

"For us to live together," he said finishing my sentence with his own thought as his hand passed over my cheek. I smiled and leaned into his hand. I was so happy. "As for our scents," he continued. "I find that I am drawn to yours disproportionally as well."

"Disproportionally?" I questioned.

"Vampires, for the most part, have a pleasant odor. It's appealing to humans, and certainly not offensive to vampires. Edward doesn't smell bad to you, does he?"

"No. He smells quite pleasant, but it's nothing like what you smell like to me."

"And what is it that I smell like to you?"

I pressed my nose against the sprinkling of hair on his chest, and took another deep breath in through my nose. "So many wonderful scents that are blended together to make it your own, and I just want to be doused in your cologne." I took another breath. "They're scents that make me think of you. Leather like your book bindings and your office. Pine like the trees in our forest outside, but also slightly earthy. A sweetness like a fruit, apple maybe or pear, but also something akin to a spice like cinnamon. Something slightly antiseptic that makes me think of the first night I met Dr. Cullen. There are others that I can't put my finger on, but then there is something also, I don't know, manly," I said with a chuckle, "that I love so much. It's just you. When I catch your scent in the air, I am drawn to it. I can't get close enough to it. I can't breathe it in enough. I love the smell of you, and now," I said with a light flicker of my tongue over his chest, "I love the taste of you, too."

"Sunshine," he said as his fingers raked through my hair. "I think it's a combination of your warmth, and the moment in the sun when I realized I was in love with you. I know it doesn't have a smell, but your scent makes me think of sunlight."

"What else?" I asked.

"Your scent is floral. Like a beautiful bouquet or a garden, you are a mix of scents –lily of the valley, roses, freesias, lavender, lilac, jasmine, apple blossoms and honeysuckle. Something delicious that I believe may be vanilla or chocolate, and scents that are warm and of home like linen and fresh baked bread. But like what you describe me as manly, something in your scent is a womanly musk that I can't put my finger on. In all my years, I've never been drawn to any scent like I feel drawn to yours. I didn't expect to be so inflamed by the new scent of your aroused state, but I love it, and these new heavenly aromas since our scents and our bodies have combined. "

"Do you think it's the animal inside, our desire to be mated, that makes our scents that much more appealing to each other?"

"I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement, but what animal, love?"

"This uncontrollable desire and need to have you," I said as I squeezed my thighs where they still laid astride him.

His eyes were smoldering. "Or it could just be the intimate expression of our love."

I laughed and gave him a naughty smirk. "You growled."

"So did you," he said a wicked grin crossed his lips. "And I hope to hear your inner animal rear her head again post haste."

"I believe my inner animal would be happy to oblige," I said as I prepared to make love to my incredible husband again.

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_**The next chapter, the second part of their honeymoon, is written. Reviews will encourage me to post it faster. ;-)**_

_**Do you want to see Esme's nightgown? Visit my profile page for the link.**_

_**Have you read The Twilight Saga: The Official Illustrated Guide yet? I was disappointed that there's very little new information about Esme, Carlisle, and the Cullen family as a unit. Also, Stephenie made a few changes/alterations to the Carlisle and Esme story from what is in The Correspondence with Stephenie on TwilightLexicon, which is the basis for this story. I'm not going to go back and do rewrites to accommodate those changes. I will integrate new information, when appropriate, moving forward.**_

_**And just as an FYI, Esme was very disappointed by the new Jane Eyre. While very appropriately cast, the screenplay adaption is terrible.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	13. I Will Make Yours

_**THANK YOU! The reviews for the last two chapters have been so touching. Your words inspire me! **_

_**I'm excited, and still surprised, to announce that I've been nominated for two Sunflower Awards! C'mon, Mama Bear has been nominated for Best Lemon Pie. I have been nominated for Master of Lemons, which appears to encompass my entire body of lemon work so if you've enjoyed the sexy moments, please vote. The link is on my profile page. Thank you! Also, congrats to one of my betas, MelissaMargaret, who is up for several Sunflower Awards. **_

_**I hope you enjoy the second part of Esme and Carlisle's honeymoon.**_

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_October 1922_

Heaven. I had no doubt that even if it was just for a little while, my immortality had landed me in a place of god and angels. There was no pain. The former world had passed away.

I could have stayed in that space forever.

I would never know any place more perfect than in Carlisle's arms, our bare flesh pressed together, fingers and lips roaming freely over each others' frames. Gentle whispers, laughter, cries of ecstasy. It was my heaven. It was _our_ heaven.

So I was grievous when it was shattered.

I had made a conscious effort to push my other intimate experiences from my mind. I did not want to think of Charles, and certainly didn't want to compare him to Carlisle. They were night and day, and everything I had experienced with Carlisle the last few days solidified that so I was grief stricken when he invaded my mind by unknowing act of my lover.

It was my third afternoon as Mrs. Cullen. Carlisle had made a rare trip from our bed to retrieve firewood. I had popped out of bed to watch out the window as he leaned over the pile of wood. Too bad he had put pants on, but the rippling of the muscles of his bare back was striking. Too bad it was overcast. _I need to spend more time getting to know that back when he gets back._ I giggled and flitted back to the bed flopping down on my stomach to wait for his return. My arms above my head, I closed my eyes on the pillow.

I heard him re-enter the room and stoke the fire. Suddenly, and unexpectedly, hands wrapped around my wrists, and I felt the weight of him against my back. I was overcome with panic and fear as a memory that I had suppressed rose to the surface. My hands tightened, and my eyes squeezed shut. My body stiffened, flinching against the assault to come.

He felt it. He saw it. He was off of me in an instant, but it was too late.

"Esme, I'm sorry." His voice was strained from several feet away.

"I…" what could I say? That his innocent unknowing touch made me think of being assaulted by my first husband? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right that the man I adored was hurt because of the evil man that he had never set eyes on. I flung myself across the bed, and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry," I whispered against his ear as I pressed my forehead to his temple. "I'm so sorry."

"Was it because I snuck up on you or because you felt like I was holding you down?" Of course he would try to be understanding.

"Both." I felt so foolish. My chest shuddered, and I gulped for air trying to suppress a sob.

He hushed me gently, and rocked me in his arms. How could his touch ever make me think of that monster?

After a few minutes my chest had quieted and he spoke, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "Not here. Not in our bed. This space is ours. It's sacred. I don't want him in it."

"Alright," he said as he kissed my forehead and slipped out my arms. I whimpered. "I'll be right back for you."

A flurry of blankets and pillows were rearranged, and a moment later he lifted me into the air and carried me over to in front of the hearth. He sat down on the blanket spread out before the fire. He leaned against the stack of cushions and pillows, and held me in his lap. He lifted my chin to look in his eyes. "The fact that you run into my arms as opposed to fleeing assures me that I haven't gravely offended you, but I have upset you."

"You have done nothing wrong," I sadly said. "I told you before my mind is broken, and this just proves it."

"Esme, you are not broken."

He could deny it, but I knew it was true. He needed to know what I truly faced.

I couldn't help the bitterness in my voice as I spoke. "I didn't know what was worse. Sleeping on my stomach or sleeping on my back. You see, if I slept on my back, and he decided that he wanted to have his way with me when he came home drunk, there was a chance I would wake up as his shadow crossed over me. I would have some leverage to push against him or defend myself, which really never served any purpose, but usually resulted in me being held down, tied down, hit, smacked, grabbed or pinched hard. I also had to look at him when he took me in this position. If I slept on my stomach I didn't know he was coming until it was too late. He already had me pinned beneath him, and there was nothing to do but submit. He would…" my voice was shaking. "He would violate either opening. It didn't matter to him when he was drunk. My screams of pain seemed to amuse him. The only saving grace in that position was that I didn't have to look at him.

"He degraded me. He defiled me. And he never seemed to tire of torturing me. He would grab me by the hair and force me to take him in my mouth. It wouldn't matter if I choked or gagged or vomited he wouldn't stop. His hands were always rough with me. His finger probed forcefully. Leaving his mark upon me actually seemed to satisfy him. He also took pride in his skills of marking me in places that could be hidden. And to add insult to injury, at times he would come home smelling of other women. I would wonder if they would end up as bruised and as battered as I did or if he was nice to his whores."

My voice was shaking with my sadness and my anger.

"He was his most sadistic though when he was liquored up, but not quite completely inebriated. He was in control of his functions, but loose in his morals and raging in his cruel desires. If he was completely inebriated he often would fall asleep after a round. When he was sober, we would spar with each other verbally, but his physical dominance usually beat me to submission unless I played his game, and even then I usually lost in the end. Every once in a while, he would spare his cruelty, and attempt to actually make love to me instead of just using me to fulfill his constant urges. How can you make love though when one partner feels no love or no desire? He knew any caress on my part was half hearted."

I paused to collect my thoughts. I wanted my next words to come out right.

"I approached _our_ intimacy as being something totally new. I told you before that I knew it didn't have to be the way it was with Charles. Charles wanted my heart, and thought he could beat me into submitting it to him. All he earned was my despair.

"I knew from Grace and Helen that their relations with their husbands were happy. I didn't know what I physically felt meant at first, but I realized with time this need to touch you and be touched by you was desire, and it was something I have never known before. The last few days I have been in heaven with you. I have not thought about him. You have done everything right. I don't want you apologizing when you have done nothing wrong. My broken brain decides to pull up a memory from more than two years and another lifetime ago because all you did was try to surprise me. I'm the one at fault."

His eyes were wide, but he quickly recovered. "Esme, you have been traumatized. It may have been as a human and it may have been almost two years ago since you were last with him, but that doesn't make it any less traumatic. Every time you speak of him the story gets worse. Is there anything else you are not telling me?"

I shook my head. "Not that I can remember."

"I'm amazed that you have so willingly been with me."

This was the reaction I had feared. I laid my hands against his chest.

"Nothing has changed, Carlisle. We've always known that it was possible for him to rear his ugly head at unexpected it moments. It's not the first time although I hope every time that it will be last time he interrupts my happiness. You will never harm me. Your hands and your intentions are nothing but loving, and I know always will be."

"But-"

"But what? My silly reaction doesn't change how wonderful the last few days have been, and how wonderful they will continue to be. It doesn't mean that I want to know you any less. There is nothing that we have done that I haven't enjoyed and craved more of. Charles used sexual relations as a weapon, a way to exert his power over me, a way to make me feel his pain. With you and I it is an act of passion and love."

He rested a hand over mine and calmly spoke. "It's not a silly reaction, my love, and I wish you wouldn't treat it as such. I won't attempt to apologize again because you're right in that I didn't know. I've been so careful not to do anything that would produce a memory."

"Have you held back anything?"

"I don't think so, but I have tried to be aware of my actions."

"Don't. Don't for one moment let him dictate our actions. I haven't thought about him for a moment and I don't want you to either. Carlisle Cullen, I want you. I want all of you. If a memory rises, I'll deal with it as it arises."

"We'll deal with them, Esme, together. I want to make you forget him. I want to wash your fears away. I want to erase every lewd act and bruise and moment of abuse from your mind. I want it to be as if he never existed."

I shook my head because denying Charles never existed denied me of the one short little beautiful blessing from my human life. "That will never happen because the one good thing he ever gave me was my son, and for that reason alone he will never disappear completely. The memory of my child is the one thing I will hold onto like a vice."

He sighed, "But that contribution is the only one that will remain."

"You are already doing very well at making the bad times go away; in fact, they have been nonexistent," I said with kiss on his cheek. "I love you and I love being with you. I have no more to tell you when it comes to my former husband. Now can I can get back to learning about my beautiful, wonderful, new eternal husband?"

"Just one more thing, Esme, and I'll let it go." His brow was knitting and there was no need for it. I needed to smooth his worries away.

"What is it, love?"

His pointer finger slid over the scar at my throat. "I've marked you in places that you can hide and the marks are forever."

"It's not the same thing!" I practically squealed as my denial of his concern. "You were saving me not injuring me. The pain from the marks are long gone, and you've healed me." My fingers went up to my throat to touch his hand. "I love this and the other ones. too. They mark me as yours, and I will forever be yours. They're my re-birthmarks." I leaned in, and licked over his throat where it had been torn. "This makes you who you are. Without it you wouldn't be here with me."

"And I can't think of anywhere else I want to be more than here with you."

The light outside had faded, and the light from the fireplace blanketed our skin. I ran my fingers through his hair. "You appear to be a redhead at the moment, love."

"Do you like it?"

"It suits you in the firelight, but I love my blond god."

* * *

"Do you have any idea of how good that feels?" I moaned.

A week as Dr. and Mrs. Cullen and a week into our honeymoon, and I never wanted to leave. We couldn't get enough of each other. We stepped out of bed to hunt twice. Carlisle arose every once in a while to add fire to the fireplace, although I kept trying to get him to stay by telling him I wasn't cold, which was true. We bathed together on several occasions. We changed the sheets several times with me lewdly joking about him planning for the mess we were going to make with so many sets of sheets waiting for us.

"I was just being thorough," he said seriously, while looking down, attempting to hide his smirk from me.

We threw on clothes to hunt or to grab firewood, and wore a towel after getting out of our long baths, but they never stayed on for long. Those silly night clothes were long forgotten. The only thing we wanted against our skin was each others' flesh and those sheets.

At the moment I was settled in between his thighs, my back resting against his chest as he caressed my neck with his lips and my breasts with his hands. His fingers were so gentle that they were teasing me, and I loved the sensation.

"That moan gives me an idea," he teased as he moved his thumbs over my nipples eliciting a happy sigh from me. "You are so beautiful."

"In your eyes," I said as I pushed my hair further to side to allow his lips to continue their work.

"In anyone's who has eyes to see."

"I feel the most beautiful in yours."

"You are the perfect shape of a goddess," he said as one hand slid down to trace lazy circles over my stomach.

"Mmm, I wasn't always so shapely, but I was frozen in time at a moment when I was curvy."

"What do you mean love?" His lips traveled up to behind my ear.

"After leaving Columbus I took care of myself, and ate well for my baby, but after I gave birth you could barely tell I had just been pregnant. My hips were curvier than they were before and my breasts were fuller and they also were engorged when I jumped. Some things seemed to be tighter when I awoke, but I like it. I'm happy with how I look."

"I'm very happy that you're happy." His hand moved down to my thigh.

I laughed. "You are making my happiness."

"And you are making mine."

I turned my head to meet his lips with mine just as he slid his hand in between my thighs. My head involuntarily fell back with a gasp as his lips touched my throat instead. His fingers slid over my aroused wet flesh, and he murmured against my throat, "Are you alright?"

"As long as you don't stop that," I said breathlessly. He chuckled as he continued kissing my neck while moving his fingers in a dance over the sensitive bud, and every so often slipping one inside of me. The intensity grew, and with a perfect precision movement involving his thumb and fingers I was once again shaking and calling out his name. He continued to rub me soothingly as I relaxed back against him.

"You have very talented fingers, my love."

I could feel the smirk on his lips against the back of my shoulder as he lightly laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh nothing," he said with delight still in his voice.

"Now you have to tell me." I was intrigued.

"I'm a doctor, love. Of course you're in good hands," he teased.

I laughed at his humor that amused him so. "And the best doctor in existence so I must be in great hands."

"The hands of a surgeon."

"Very precise and fantastic at their work."

He stopped the motion, and removed his drenched hand from between my legs and held it up to the fire light. He turned his hand over, observing it glistening.

"Esme, would you mind if I taste you?" I could hear that Dr. Cullen curiosity in his voice. I didn't know whether to be flattered or mortified.

"Off your hand?" My tone was flat.

"Mm hm. I'm just curious. You smell so wonderful to me and your skin tastes so good under my tongue. Your body emits this," he rubbed two fingers together, "because of our actions so I'm just wondering what it tastes like."

I felt like there was more of it pooling as we had this discussion. If it tasted bad then would he be loath to touch me, and if it tasted good, what then? But saying no to him was nearly impossible so I nodded my head and consented.

I looked down and away as he raised his hand to his lips. A moment later I heard and felt a groan from his chest before his lips pressed against my ear. "You are amazing in every way."

"I guess that means you like it." I was sure my entire body would be a bright shade of red if I could have blushed.

"Love it." His hand was snaking down over my mound again. "Essence of Esme." He sounded euphoric.

I started giggling uncontrollably. I swatted his hand out of the way, and rolled over out of his lap until they faded. I turned over to face him and his look was one of bewilderment, which made me giggle again.

"What is so funny?" His lip was twitching.

"Essence of Esme?"

"It's true. It's alluring."

"Like cheap perfume?" I teased.

"Far from it. I don't know how else to describe it." He was thoughtful for a moment as I laid there watching him. "When we talked about scents, it's like all of those things that I said I smell on you but then add in something more potent. On our first night together when you dropped your bloomers and exposed that scent to me, it took a lot of will power not to take you right at that moment. My nostrils flared, and you knew it, but you were not embarrassed in any way, instead you taunted me."

"It was your actions, and your presence that had me in that state. I realized there was no reason to be embarrassed."

"So why are you embarrassed now? My lips have tasted much of your skin, and also the venom in your mouth, so what's wrong with this? Is it too intimate? Have I crossed some invisible line?"

I needed to be honest with him. "I think so, and I don't want to upset you. I'm just so happy and comfortable where we are, and with what we are doing and have done. I'm just not ready to allow your head down there." My agitation was showing. While Charles had never taken such actions, I knew how much I hated performing them on him. No matter how much Carlisle was proving to me how wonderful every sexual experience could be that Charles had desecrated, that was one I just wasn't ready to experience.

In Carlisle's way he had his arms around me quickly trying to sooth away my sorrow. "Of course not, my angel. I'm sorry that I pressed you about it. All things in good time. I love you."

"And I love you too," I said as I relaxed back against him where I would always be loved and safe.

* * *

"I don't want to go!" I said with an over exaggerated whine.

"We have to, my love." He was always the voice of reason.

"Why? We're vampires. We can do whatever we want to do including staying naked in this bed for eternity."

"Esme, you're very, very tempting, but Edward will be expecting us."

He knew the magic word.

It was twilight outside on the day we would head home to Virginia began. Carlisle had the evening shift that night, and while I would gladly tell him to quit and to stay with me, Edward was the reason to head back into civilization.

For two weeks I had been his wife, and they were two of the happiest weeks I had ever known. We made love often, and rarely left our bed, but we also spent time talking and intimately getting to know each other better both physically and mentally.

I wondered how I was going to go back to a normal life, or at least as normal as it could be for us. It was going to take some adjustment, but it could wait.

"We still have a few hours before we need to get up," I said as I sidled up against him and kissed his shoulder.

"We do need to rearrange the furniture. Move the bed out of this room. Close up the house. We could get moving early. I'm sure Edward would be happy to see us."

I licked the shell of his ear, and rolled over onto my back spreading my legs apart, and beckoned to him with one finger.

"You're right as always, love, we definitely do still have a few hours."

* * *

_**Thank you for reading! **_


	14. Desire

_**Thank you to MelissaMargaret for beta-ing while sick. As always love to **__**Batgirl8968 and Sweetishbubble!**_

_**FYI, The Esme's Story series is receiving a new name. It is now The Esme Chronicles. **_

_**I'm thrilled to announce another award nomination. Just the Way You Are has been nominated Best One-Shot in The Avant Garde Awards www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com. UPDATE 5/17 - To My Dearest Mother also has been nominated for Best One-Shot and this story, The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years, has received FIVE nominations - Best Love Story, Best Canon Pairing, Best Edward, Best Carlisle, and Best Esme. The first round of voting opens May 22! **_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

_October 1922_

I opened my eyes and squinted at the sawdust particles floating in the air so visibly in the midday sunlight. It was just one of the signs of the chaos that I knew surrounded us, but at the moment it was the only one I could see.

I knew there was a chair that was beyond repair. I knew the door, if it was salvageable, would need to be re-hung. I knew the hole in the wall needed to be fixed. I knew that our new bed was bound for the fireplace as kindling. And I knew what was left of our clothes was probably not even fit to be rags.

My back was against him as I was curled up on my side in his embrace.

We had not even been home for a day.

We had arrived at our home in Virginia a little later than planned the previous afternoon. It had proven difficult to leave our oasis. Edward was waiting for us in the doorway of our new home. I scurried up the steps and into his arms.

"I missed you!" I cried out.

He laughed and said, "No you didn't, Mrs. Cullen. It doesn't take a genius to know your thoughts were not of me."

"Edward," I scolded.

"I did miss you," he said as he kissed my cheek. "And I'm happy to see you still look blissful."

I giggled as he let go of me and embraced Carlisle.

"Was everything alright with your journey?" Carlisle asked.

"All my affairs are in order. Welcome home," Edward said with a grin as he released Carlisle, and stepped aside to let us enter the front door. Before I could take a step forward, Carlisle had lifted me in his arms.

"We must still honor the tradition. After all, this is your first time coming home as Mrs. Cullen," he said as he leaned in to rub his nose against mine.

"Well then please, sir, carry me over the threshold," I said gently, punctuating my words with a kiss.

"I'll get your bags," Edward said, excusing himself for the moment.

Carlisle carried me inside the foyer, and I quickly looked around. I had been in the house briefly before, under the cover of darkness to assess what type of furnishings would be needed to make it a comfortable home. Edward had set to work arranging everything while we were gone. It was a good sized home, but nothing ostentatious. To the left was the living room, and beyond that was the library. To the right was the dining room, and past it was the kitchen. On the second floor were Edward's room, our room, Carlisle's study, and another bedroom that I had dedicated an upstairs sitting room. There was a powder room under the stairs on the first floor, and a bathroom off the hall on the second floor.

The foyer looked in order, as did the living room from what I could view through the entranceway from my current angle.

"It looks good in here," I said to Carlisle, touching his cheek.

"Did you expect it to be a mess?" Edward teased as he carried my trunk through the front door.

"Not at all. I'm just amazed how well you have arranged it. It's so close to what I envisioned in my head."

Edward gave me an incredulous look then pointed one finger at his head.

"Ah, right," I said with a smile.

He laughed and disappeared up the stairs with my trunk. He was back out the front door a moment later to retrieve the other one.

"Are you going to set me down?" I murmured into Carlisle's ear.

"In our bed?" Carlisle whispered the question, sounding a bit too eager.

"We just arrived home. We can't disappear," I said kissing his cheek. "Set me down, love."

He sighed and reluctantly placed me on the ground. I walked into the living room and looked around. Edward really had gotten everything just right.

"Thanks, Esme," Edward called from the foyer as he ran up the stairs again, and was back with us soon after.

"So," Carlisle said as he looked back and forth between Edward and I. I saw a smirk appear on Edward's lips before the words came out of Carlisle's mouth. "Where and what is the secret you two were plotting to keep from me until we got home?"

Edward chuckled. "Has that been on your mind your entire honeymoon?"

"No, it's been far from it, but now that we are here, I'm quite curious as to what was _taken care of_."

"It's upstairs and in its proper place," Edward said to me.

"Thank you," I said as I took Carlisle's hand. I led him out of the living room, and up the stairs to the door of his new study. "I wanted to give you something that was useful, but that I could give a personal touch to."

I opened the door and walked in. I immediately saw what I was looking for, and turned around to face him.

"Ta dah!" I said with a sweeping gesture. "Happy two weeks after the wedding day!"

His eyes fell to the centerpiece of the room as I had hoped they would. "You bought me a new desk?"

"No, I _made_ you a new desk," I corrected him.

His mouth fell open slightly, and then he pulled it shut, but the surprise was still in his eyes. He walked forward to it, and traced his fingers across the surface as he went around it. He looked over it. He opened and closed the drawers, and ran his fingers over the detail work before looking up at me. "I knew you were talented, my love, but this is incredible."

"You like it, then?" I asked eagerly.

"I love it. How did you do this and when?"

"Edward secured the wood for me, and then I worked on it while you were at work. He managed to hide it and my tools in the forest while you were home."

"It explains why you sometimes smelled of sawdust," he said with a smirk.

"I did not," I denied.

"You did, too. It's beautiful and the detail is exquisite. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of work you must have put into this. I will treasure it always. Thank you, Esme."

"You're welcome. I found that my skills have improved in this life. I see so much more when I work with the wood. I know what it will become and there are no errors. It becomes what my hands set out for it to be. It was a rather remarkable experience."

"It still amazes me after all these years what our enhanced abilities and senses can allow us to do sometimes."

I chuckled. "Well it certainly has increased my interest in building furniture and seeing what else I can do with my hands."

He walked toward me and reached his hands out to take mine. He brought one to his lips and said, "I adore these hands."

"Carlisle, don't you need to leave for work soon?" Edward had appeared in the doorway and his voice was slightly on edge.

Carlisle dropped my hands and took a step back away from me. "Yes, of course. I don't want to be late for my first shift after being away for long. Excuse me, my love." He kissed my cheek. "Thank you again, for the present. I love it."

H e disappeared off to our room to get changed for work. I placed my hands on my hips, and stared down Edward. "What was that?"

"What was what?" he nonchalantly asked as he turned to walk out of the room. I was on his heels down the steps and into the living room.

"_Carlisle, don't you need to leave for work soon?"_ I asked, mocking his tone.

Edward sighed dramatically, and shook his head as he sat down on the piano bench. His eyes focused unnecessarily downward on the keys as he began to play.

"Edward Cullen!" I demanded. He stopped playing immediately, and looked up at me with surprise. "What is it now?"

"You've never called me that before." He sounded so surprised.

"Called you what?" I was annoyed by him changing the subject, but he answered quietly with one word.

"Cullen."

It had slipped naturally out of my mouth, and I hadn't thought of it having any significance, but it was true. We didn't often speak in terms of last names, although recent events and our public face in Virginia made him Edward Platt. It seemed natural to call him Cullen after all, "We're a family, now. We've spoken of it in terms of endearment, but Carlisle and I are officially man and wife. I'm a Cullen in name, and you are just as much a part of this family."

He bit his lips to stifle a laugh before he got up and walked over to hug me. "I like it, a lot."

I smiled up at him. I regretted not thinking of him more when we were away. He had a piece of my heart just as Carlisle did.

"You shouldn't have been thinking of me. Don't beat yourself up over it," he answered to my unspoken thoughts.

Carlisle cleared his throat behind me. I turned around and bound into his arms. "Have a good night at work."

"I'm sorry to leave you," he said into my ear.

"I could tempt you to stay," I said pressing my lips to his jaw.

"Believe me, you are very tempting, so I better leave now before I give in to you." He kissed me deeply as my hand grasped the hair at the back of his neck. This time Edward cleared his throat, and Carlisle broke the kiss. He entwined his fingers with mine as he looked at Edward. "I'm sorry that I have to leave so soon. We had planned to be home sooner, but," he paused to chose his words, "it just didn't work out that way. We shall catch up tomorrow. I want to hear about Chicago, and what's been keeping you occupied."

"And I would be happy to discuss that with you as long as you stop thinking about what's been keeping you occupied," Edward said through gritted teeth. I turned to look at him and could see the annoyance, and slight embarrassment as he caught my eye.

My eyes widened as I realized his meaning. We had been so careful to keep any flirtations that could even vaguely be considered improper out of the house during our courtship. Now that we were married and we knew each other, and desired each other, so intimately, how were we to keep our thoughts in check? How could we save each other from mortification in each others' eyes?

I didn't say a word about it. I turned to look at Carlisle, and directed him. "Go to work, love. Have a good night." I kissed him on the cheek, and pointed him toward the door. He glanced back at me and mouthed, "I love you," before disappearing out into the evening.

"Edward, I apologize for Carlisle," I said as I took a seat on the sofa.

"You don't need to, Esme," he said as he sat back down at the piano, and absentmindedly played a light tune. "I knew there was the potential for some awkwardness; I just didn't expect Carlisle's thoughts to be so brazen."

_What was he thinking?_

"He was thinking about you. And although you are very beautiful, Esme, I don't want to envision you that way."

I felt like my entire body was blushing even though I knew it was impossible.

"I'm sorry. Please try to understand we are newlyweds, and we love each other very much. And we love you, and will do our best to try and not put you in an uncomfortable situation."

"Esme, I'm not an idiot. I've been practicing trying to tune thoughts out knowing that this was coming. I'll do my best to make myself scarce when you two want to have alone time for your own modesty and my own sanity. I just ask that at other times, you try to control your thoughts."

"Of course," I said with a grin. I knew I could keep my thoughts in check. Carlisle was out of sight so I could put him out of mind.

The subject was resolved for the moment so we moved on. Edward told me of his whereabouts over the last two weeks including his stop in Chicago to handle family affairs, a worrisome situation that occurred and needed to be discussed with Carlisle later, and his work getting the house in order when he arrived back in Virginia. We chatted for a long time, but after several hours my mind started to stray.

For two weeks, Carlisle and I had literally been inseparable. We had been apart for hours, and I started to feel the strain. I had picked up my sketch book, and was trying to recreated images from our wedding day that I had tucked away in my mind until the pencil and pad were in my hand. I drew the images of the gifts Edward gave me – the necklace, pendant, engagement ring, my flowers wrapped in that precious handkerchief, and the sixpence that Carlisle later pointed out was from the year he was changed. I drew the church and Edward. I drew our hands as Carlisle placed the ring upon my finger. _His hands._ The hands that had caressed me so gently while so proudly bearing that ring. I remembered the feeling of the metal as his hands slid over my stomach.

Edward banged out a few notes loudly bringing me back to the room. I didn't look over at him, but flipped the page, and started to draw Carlisle's face when our eyes met when I was walking up the aisle. I tried to focus on that day and on that moment, but as I drew my husband's hair, his eyes, his jaw, his neck, I couldn't help but see flashes of him in a different light. And Edward's incessant banging let me know he saw it too.

The sky had lightened. I was almost shaking trying to keep myself in check, but I needed him. My body needed him. He would be home soon. _And when he got home…_

"Esme!" Edward yelled with frustration as he slammed the fallboard closed.

"Don't break the piano!"

"For the love of…" His voice trailed off, and his eyes grew large. Then everything just happened so fast. Edward glared at me for an instant then bolted for the back door. I bolted for the front. The door flew open and shut so fast and hard that I'm amazed that it didn't break. Carlisle dropped his medical bag, and his dark eyes locked on mine. In an instant my legs were wrapped around his waist as he raced up the stairs holding me tightly against him. He ripped our bedroom door off one of the hinges, and when he forced it closed, the door frame cracked. Startled for a moment, he set me on my feet. But I wasn't letting him be distracted. Not realizing my own strength, or maybe it was his lack of resistance, I slammed him against the wall causing the plaster behind him to crumble. He didn't seem to care, and grasped my cheeks pulling my face toward his; his mouth fiercely meet mine, but I was just as fierce in my desire.

I reached for the lapel of his jacket, and in a blur of flying fabric his jacket, tie, shirt, undershirt were in shreds on the floor. I kept him against the remains of the wall as I nipped and licked my way down his neck and across his chest. His hands were pressed against my back, and with a frustrated grunt his hands grasped and ripped the dress from my body. I heard another noise of annoyance when he was faced with my slip. He had gotten too use to me in less clothing. No matter, he made short work of it along with my undergarments with a few well placed tugs.

Standing there for a moment in nothing but my shoes and falling down stockings, our eyes met again. It was need. Desire. Lust. Love. Yes, it was all there, but we truly required each other.

In a flash he had removed his pants and shoes. I kicked my shoes off, and heard the cracking of wood and the ripping of heavy fabric as the force sent them flying through the chair against the wall.

Our staring lasted a moment longer before he sped toward me. He lifted me in one fluid motion, wrapping my legs around his waist. My hands were at the back of his neck, then his hair, pulling him to me as his lips were, well, everywhere – across my cheek, down my jaw, then sucking at my neck. I wiggled against him, and what sounded like a whine escaped my lips.

He rushed toward the bed with me his arms. He was so rapid I believe he feared crushing me for a moment, and flipped onto his back as he was falling. He hit the mattress with me on top of him, and the bed frame collapsed beneath us. His eyes went wide, but I stopped his objection or apology or whatever he intended to say with my mouth on his. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him toward the headboard while I slid down him, gliding my tongue against any flesh I could touch as I moved my body to join us together. He flipped me onto my back, but I flipped us back over as I grabbed the top of the headboard and thrust my body onto his making us one.

We both cried out. It has been no more than half a day since we had last been together, but it felt like an eternity ago. I needed him like this. _Was I even complete anymore without him?_

I slid up and down on him, grasping the headboard until it cracked in my hands, crumbling away into sawdust. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything but him. His head was thrown back. I moved my hands to his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. His eyes spoke to me. They said everything as they so often did. They said, _I adore you. You are everything I need._

His hands were everywhere that they could reach on my body – sliding down my arms, over my hips, my stomach, my breasts, teasing me into a frenzy. I went to throw my head back, but he reached up and grabbed my cheeks, making me look at him as I was doing to him. He let go inside of me, but we had only just begun.

It went on for hours. We slowed down slightly after the initial fast and furious reunion, but positions changed of their own volition. It became a graceful dance of entwined limbs and caresses. The house could have completely fallen down around our ears and we wouldn't have noticed. The only thing that mattered was each other.

We finally came to rest in this arrangement with me curled up against him, and slowly came back to reality. His hand slid up and down my thigh as I watched the sawdust in the air.

I finally rolled over to face him. He looked like the cat who ate the canary – satisfied with himself, but also quite guilty. His first concern though was as always my well being. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"That's a peculiar question with a complicated answer," I said as my bewilderment at the entire situation was coming to the forefront of my mind.

"Are you, my beautiful wife, physically and emotionally alright? Did I hurt you? Or offend you?"

"What? No, of course not. I could ask the same of you," I said as my eyes glanced at the Carlisle shaped hole in the wall next to the cracked doorframe. His eyes followed mine over his shoulder. He chuckled and kissed my forehead.

"I'm fine," he assured me.

"What was that?" I asked. I was quite bewildered by my reaction.

"How was your evening?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Why are your changing the subject?" I dryly responded.

"I'm just wondering if your evening was as fascinating as mine."

I huffed. "I kept attempting to sketch thoughts of our wedding day, and my thoughts kept straying."

"Straying to what?" He was looking at me intently.

"Thoughts of this," I said gesturing to the bed.

"This?"

"Of you." I kissed his shoulder.

"Of me? Like this?"

"Carlisle!" His smirk, which I usually found so endearing, and meant that there were thoughts of mischief in my straight-laced husband, I was starting to find irksome. "What was so fascinating about your evening?"

"Hmm, let me see," he said with an impish grin on his face. "How about my rounds when all I kept thinking of was your face, or when I was writing charts and kept thinking of your moans as I kiss your breasts, or during surgery when I all I could think about was making love to you over and over and over again?"

"It must have been a long surgery," I said sarcastically.

"Esme. Every time I walked past the door I thought about bolting out of it at vampire speed and swooping you up. The reality of it was deliciously satisfying," he said as he leaned over to glide his tongue up my jaw. As wonderful as it felt I put a hand on his shoulder to make him pause.

"This is not good, Carlisle."

"But you taste so good," he moaned against my cheek.

"I'm serious, love," I said as I pushed his shoulder this time. "What is wrong with us?"

The naughty and culpable look reappeared as he once again tried to suppress a grin. He kissed my forehead and settled back. I watched his face and could see the wheels turning in his mind. He opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it.

"Carlisle, what is it?"

"Nothing is wrong with us, per say, my love. I can only reference what I know of other vampires in similar circumstances."

"Married vampires?" I asked as I glanced toward my beautiful rings.

"Newly mated vampires."

"Oh."

"The married vampires I have met were together long before I met them, but I did witness one recently mated couple in Volterra. They were both members of the Guard. They couldn't keep their eyes off of each other when in a room together, and their desire for each other took precedence over nearly everything else. When they were not performing their duties, their escape was fast and fierce. For nearly half the time I was in Volterra, I rarely saw them other than when they were on duty. I asked my friend, Aro, about their situation. He explained that often when a vampire couple is newly mated their passion for each other is overwhelming. Their senses are so stimulated by the new sensations and their emotions that their need, their craving, for each other becomes nearly animalistic. It's similar to their hunting instinct."

I was in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me about this?"

He looked rather sheepish as he said, "I'm foolish. I thought with my self control in other areas, and your temperament that we would have more control. Apparently I was wrong."

"Yes, you were. This is a problem."

"Why?" he asked as he moved my hair to one side and slid a finger down my neck.

I laughed. "Unless you are planning on quitting your job…"

"I considered it several times last night."

He sounded a little too serious.

"But you are not going to," I insisted. "You love your work, and I won't take that away from you. When these desires diminish I don't want you to resent me."

"Esme, my desire for you will never diminish. We'll learn to rein it in, but I can't imagine wanting you any less when every moment we are together I want you more."

"As I want you." I looked around at the destruction once more. "How, though, do we even begin to restrain ourselves?"

"I don't think it is something that is going to happen in a day, my goddess. At least we now know what this particular uproar feels like, which may help us learn to tame it. "

"Poor, Edward." I was worried about him.

"He must have run far, far away with everything that was flashing through my head as I approached."

"I'm sure I wasn't any better. He said he was anticipating our need for alone time, and that he has been practicing blocking our thoughts. I fear that we were too intense to ignore."

"I'm sure that is the case. I feel terrible that we've put him in this position. I don't like the idea of forcing him out his home for our own pleasure and to save face with him."

"I believe it may be a little late for saving face. While there is much I can do, I can't get this room back in one piece before he comes back." I looked upward toward what was left of the headboard. "And I believe this bed is beyond repair."

"We could meet at the lodge after my shifts. We know that bed is sturdy." He sounded a little too eager.

"I don't think that it would have survived this morning," I said with a teasing poke to his chest.

"You're probably right. We were pretty fierce. Are you sure you alright?"

I nodded. "You would see if I wasn't. You know me too well."

"And I'm always longing to know you better." His lips touched the back of my neck.

"We can't leave him alone every day. That's not fair to him."

"What's the alternative? Bombard him with images in our minds that he doesn't want to see?"

"He needs time with you." My brow tightened as I thought back to my conversation with Edward about his last two weeks.

"What is it?" I had his full attention.

I had thought about not sharing Edward's troubles, but Carlisle needed to be made aware of it. He could counsel Edward in ways that I couldn't.

"He had a little trouble. He found a human especially tempting while in Chicago. He restrained himself and ran away. He said once he stopped running he was conflicted."

"Why did he feel conflicted?"

"He felt like part of him was telling him that killing the human was the right thing to do. That it was what his body wanted or needed, but he knew you would think it wrong."

He sighed deeply. "I can't dictate his instincts any more than I can dictate yours. I have shown you there is another way and hope that you both choose to live the lifestyle I have chosen. I can't stop his actions, but hope, as he did, that he would pause before taking a human life."

I opened my mouth to respond, but both of us heard footsteps on the pathway to leading to the front entrance. It wasn't Edward.

"Who is it?" I whispered.

"It's probably a neighbor stopping by to meet the new Mrs. Cullen," he whispered in response.

I felt slightly irritated. "Don't they know that we just got here, you work nights, and we are newlyweds?"

There was gentle knock at the front door.

"Apparently she's chosen to ignore that fact."

I jumped from the bed and ran to the unopened trunk. I threw it open in a flash, and grabbed undergarments and a dress. Carlisle didn't move.

"Are you just going to lay there?" I asked as I started to get dressed.

I could see he was thinking. "I'm having a conundrum, my love. I work the night shift so technically I should be sleeping. Will you be alright on your own?"

I threw the dress over my head and ran back to the trunk for shoes, a hair brush and some pins as I considered his question. We had hunted on the way home yesterday. The only craving I felt was my one for him. I looked in the glass. My hair was a disaster. I ran my fingers through it and then the brush before putting it up with a few pins.

There was a second, slightly louder knock.

"Esme?" He was at my shoulder in the reflection. "Will you be alright?"

I took a deep useless breath. "I'll be fine." I kissed his cheek before stepping into the shoes and flying down the stairs.

I pulled open the front door, and was met by a young woman, with a cheerful disposition and a basket on her arm. I froze for a moment. I hadn't been in close proximity to a human since our wedding two weeks prior. I felt my throat burn as her scent filled my lungs. _You're stronger than this, Esme Cullen. You don't need her. _

"Mrs. Cullen?" she asked. Her voice was sweet and friendly.

"Yes? How can I help you?" I held my breath.

Her face lit up as she held out a gloved hand. "I'm Amelia Thorton – Dr. Thorton's wife. Our husbands work together at the hospital."

I took her hand lightly. "It's nice to meet you. Won't you please come in?"

"Thank you," she said stepping into the foyer. "I won't stay long as I know you just arrived, and I'm sure you are still getting settled. I just wanted to stop by to welcome you to Virginia."

"Thank you. I apologize that my husband isn't available to greet you as well, but he's sleeping at the moment. He has to work again this evening."

"Oh, it's no bother. I have met Dr. Cullen on several occasions. I hear from my husband that your brother has come with you."

"Yes, my younger brother, Edward Platt, but I'm afraid he is out at the moment. He loves the outdoors, and I'm sure he is out in the forest somewhere exploring Mother Nature."

"There's plenty to explore in these parts. As I said, I don't want to keep you, but I wanted to bring by a little something for you. It's an apple pie and a few other goodies," she said handing me the basket.

"That is very kind of you. It smells very good." _It smelled revolting._

"Thank you. I hope you enjoy it. Dr. Thorton and I would like to invite you all over for dinner one night next week."

"Oh," I said in surprise, but quickly saved face. "You are such a dear," I said with a smile. "I'll have to check with Carlisle, Dr. Cullen, to see what nights would work for him."

"We live five doors down to the left. Just stop by anytime to let me know. We don't have any prior commitments so any evening would work for us."

"I will stop by later in the week, if that's alright."

"That would be wonderful, Mrs. Cullen," she said with a big smile.

"Please, call me Esme."

"What a beautiful name! Yes, of course, Esme. I hope we become good friends."

I smiled and nodded as I escorted her out the door and wished her a good day.

I sped back up the stairs. Carlisle was sitting up on the eschewed mattress with a sheet over his lap. His hand was resting in the spot where I damaged the headboard. I let out the air I was holding in, suddenly feeling weary.

I propelled myself forward, and tumbled onto the bed.

"So this is real life." I affirmed as I rested my head against his chest.

"I'm not working on Tuesday and Friday next week if you would like a long evening with Dr. and Mrs. Thorton. We can go on a work night if you would like a reason to make a short night."

"We'll go Monday," I grumbled.

"We need to blend in to society, Esme. A doctor's new wife, who is also new to town, is of interest. I'm sure Mrs. Thorton is not the only one who is going to make a social call on you. Be friendly, but be careful of building too strong of a relationship with anyone because eventually we have to move on."

"I know," I said with a sigh and a light kiss on his chest. "Right now I can't think about relationships with others. I'm too focused on you."

"Well then it will be good for you to attempt to form a few friendships. It will help focus your attention on other things."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Carlisle, you are the one who was thinking of my breasts while charting. You have your distraction and your attention was still with me."

He slid a hand over the buttons of my dress unfastening them slowly. "As I said, it will take time."

"Since I am still dressed, maybe we should go find Edward."

"As soon as the sun fades, I will go find him," he said as he slid the dress off my shoulders.

"I called him Edward Cullen last night."

"I heard. It sounded like he was pleased."

"We're a family," I avowed. "We all recognize it. We'll make this work."

He pulled the dress up over my head along with my chemise and tossed it aside.

"I love hearing you say that word. I promise, love. As soon as the sun fades I'll find him."

"While you are off looking for him, I'll work on getting this room back in some sort of order."

"How am I ever going to learn how to resist you?" he asked as he slid a finger under the waistband of my bloomers.

"Lots and lots of practice." I turned to look at his god-like face. "Later."

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_**Thank you for reading and thank you for the reviews!**_

_**Please note that voting is still open for The Sunflower Awards, thesunflowerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com. C'mon, Mama Bear is up for Best Lemon Pie and I am up for the Master of Lemons award. The link to the awards is on my profile page.**_

_**Thank you for your love and support of my work.**_


	15. Unconditional

_**THANK YOU for the incredible reviews for the last several chapters. I've been so touched by the outpouring of love for my interpretation of these events and characters. Also, thank you for the five Avant Garde Award nominations!**_

_**This is by far the shortest chapter in The Vampire Years to date, but it's an important moment for Esme that I felt needed to be told.**_

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_August 1925  
Rochester, Minnesota_

I looked across the living room at my Edward. His head was hanging low. He didn't want me to see his face. He didn't want me to look in his eyes. _If he would just lift them and look at mine he would know I held no blame. _

"I know you will always deny me being guilty of anything, Esme. I don't need to look in your eyes to see that, but it doesn't change anything." His scarlet eyes met my own. "I'm still a killer."

"You made a mistake," I insisted.

"I knew what I was doing," he said flatly.

"But you couldn't help yourself," I maintained.

"I could have, but I didn't want to. He deserved it and I wanted it." There was hostility and arrogance in his voice that I didn't care for at all.

"Edward! Don't say that. You don't even sound like yourself."

"He was going to hurt someone. He had done it before and was going to do it again. I saw it in his mind."

"We can't judge."

"Why not?" His voice rose as he spit out, "I can! I saw how vile that man was! I rid the world of him!"

"That is not our decision," I argued.

"Who's is it? God's?" he said with a snicker. "You believe less in that deity than I do. A higher being wasn't going to stop that man. I did. Maybe we are gods."

"Edward! Stop it!"

"Carlisle thinks of you as a goddess."

I gasped at the term of endearment that Carlisle only used with me when we were alone. "Edward! How dare you!"

He had gone too far and he knew it. He shrunk back against the seat of the sofa, and muttered an apology.

"Who are you?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated soberly. "That was uncalled for."

"It was," I said as I composed my thoughts. "What can I do to help you?"

We had moved to Rochester, Minnesota four months ago. Carlisle had secured a position with the Mayo Institute of Experimental Medicine. It was fairly new and was giving him an opportunity to use his particular talents in ways that he never imagined, which made him extremely happy. He came home from work each morning eager to share with us what new research he was working on.

Almost three years into our marriage, we had worked hard to control our desires for each other. It was still always beneath the surface, but we were much more in command of our senses. For nearly the first year we truly struggled. We couldn't go a day without mating. Often the need for each other was so all consuming that clothes continued to be torn, and after destroying a bed for the fourth time, we gave up on utilizing a bed until we could control ourselves.

Edward was frustrated, but also incredibly accommodating. Carlisle stepped in immediately to explain to him, as he had to me, what we were going through. It was a conversation that I was not privy to. After that, there were many silent conversations resulting in Edward excusing himself suddenly or Carlisle excusing us. We developed a routine though and tried our best to stick with it. On Carlisle's nights off, we would retreat to the lodge to be alone. When he would return home from work in the mornings, we would have our time. The afternoons were family time. It didn't always work out that way, but we tried.

We also had to deal with being part of society. In Virginia, Dr. Cullen's wife was expected to be seen and involved in the community. While there was some sympathy to my husband's night shift and our newlywed life, I still was expected to be a hostess and a gracious guest. It wasn't always an easy feat. After all, we were still vampires. Edward and I kept ourselves well fed in an effort to ward off temptation, but having humans parade through our home en masse at times was trying. I did my best to keep gatherings small.

No, it wasn't easy, but the payoff was worth it. We were living a relatively normal life, or at least as normal as it could be for vampires pretending to be humans. We had adapted well to life in Virginia, but Rochester was a different story.

Whether it was the closer proximity, just the sheer volume of the human population or maybe just change in general, Edward had been struggling with city life, but he refused to tell us why. He, instead, was sullen with no explanation and now, he had done something so completely out of his nature.

"It's not out of my nature, Esme," Edward snapped at me. "It's what every other vampire on this earth does except you, me and him."

"That's not true. There are others who live this way," I calmly insisted.

"Supposedly," he said with a sneer.

"Supposedly?" I was becoming slightly annoyed. " Are you saying Carlisle is making it up? What purpose would it serve?"

"Keeping us under control. Make us believe that there are others out there like us so it doesn't seem so strange."

"Edward, you are talking nonsense. Carlisle wouldn't lie to us. He loves us no matter what and you see and know that more than I do."

Those words seemed to silence him. I thought back over the events of the evening. I had a bad feeling when we left the house to hunt. I should have taken it as a premonition and suggested we stay home. I didn't.

We were making our way, side by side, silently through the nearly empty streets of Rochester a bit after 1 A.M. If I've learned anything about life as a vampire, it's that when things go wrong it happens very quickly.

The scent of human blood filled my nose and scorched my throat. I stopped breathing. Edward shot forward. I took off after him, but he was faster than me. I called his name as loudly as I dared. I knew he could hear me, but he was ignoring me. He was increasing the distance, and was soon a block ahead of me. He disappeared around a corner, and when I entered the alley, I slammed my heels to a stop.

I had seen Edward and Carlisle bent over their prey before. At times there was something morbidly beautiful about what laid before me. It often reminded me how powerful we were, but how delicate and fragile the other creatures on this earth were.

Edward was crouched just as he would have been over a deer or a bear, but in his arms was a human. The man was bleeding from a wound to his shoulder. His face was twisted in pain, but I did not know if it was from the pain he had already been in, or the pain Edward inflicted.

There was nothing I could do to stop him, and for my own safety I didn't dare approach him.

My throat burned at the sight of the blood. The image alone of the blood on his clothing made me thirsty. I felt guilty, but I also felt the burn of my desire. I looked away.

The pulse stopped and soon after, Edward did too. I looked back toward him as he lifted his head, looking completely satisfied with himself. I knew that feeling. It may have been several years, but I remembered it well. He looked right at me, and I couldn't help but gasp at his appearance. The only vampire I had ever seen with red eyes was my own reflection. The change was startling to say the least.

The smile disappeared from his face and his actions became almost mechanical in nature. He didn't look at the man once, but lifted his lifeless, white body in his arms as he got to his feet. "We have to go, Esme."

I followed him silently and deftly out of town, and then watched as he disposed of the body under the roots of a tree. It would grow over the man and no one would ever know what happened to him. Maybe someone would wonder why he didn't arrive home that night. Maybe no one would notice. His existence was forfeit.

He stared at the tree for a moment before turning to me and stated, "Esme, you need to hunt. If we head west we should be able to find some prey."

"Are we going to talk about this?"

"Not now. Later. Let's take care of your needs first. "

I growled in frustration and took off deeper into the forest wanting to kill quickly so I could get Edward home. Edward was standing 10 feet away from me when I finished the deer.

"Would you like me to dispose of that for you?" he asked contritely.

"I'll take care of it," I said with a sigh.

We ran home in silence and Edward collapsed on the sofa, and I across from him and this conversation began.

I looked at him waiting for him to answer me. I wanted him to tell me how I could help him.

"There's nothing you can do," he stated adamantly. "I'm sorry that I'm not as contrite as you believe I should be, but he was not a good man, and by eliminating him from this earth I most likely saved others from pain at his hands."

"He was still a human being. You must value human life, Edward," I reminded him. "Someone somewhere loved him. He was a child once."

He hung his head low again.

"I know you mean well, Esme. Part of me wishes that I felt worse about it." I could hear the struggle in his voice. I walked over and sat down next to him and took his hand in mine.

"I love you no matter what. I know what the temptation feels like, but I can't read minds. I don't know what you saw in that man's head, and you need to feel what you need to feel. I hope that in some way you will mourn for the loss of life. I may be disappointed in you for not feeling any regret, but I will never love you any less."

He didn't say anything as he laid his head in my lap. I stroked his hair and we sat in silence. My heart hurt for him. I wanted to take away any pain. I wanted to turn back time and stop him. _I wanted to read his mind as easily as he saw what was happening in mine._

"No, you don't," he mumbled.

We sat there like that until Carlisle appeared in the doorway several hours later. The smile that he almost always brought home to us disappeared, and was immediately replaced with a look of alarm when he saw us. Edward lifted his head and when their eyes met the alarm was replaced with concern.

"Are you alright?" he asked hastily his eyes moving from Edward to mine and back to his.

I gripped Edward's hand and said, "We're fine. The body's been disposed of. It was very late and no one else was around."

"Edward?" Carlisle asked.

_He wasn't angry. He never would be. He understood._

Edward sat up and kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"I know. Go talk with Carlisle. He can give you guidance in ways that I can't."

"I love you, too." He kissed me again.

Edward got up and walked past Carlisle through the entranceway. My husband looked at me with a confused expression. I waved him off with one hand to follow our…

I stopped the word before it formed. Carlisle turned and followed him. I heard them slip out the back door.

I was still as a statue in mind and in body for several minutes until I knew they were out of range. I relaxed back against the sofa and finally let the thought in. _Our son._ I had told Edward on our wedding day that I would be whatever he needed when he needed it. I always thought of him as _our Edward_, but with no definitive definition beyond that. To the outside world he was my brother, and he was always my friend. But just as calling him Cullen has come naturally to my lips a few years back, and fit him so well, son now did, too. Of course I would never declare such a thing. He had a mother who adored him so much that she gave him to Carlisle. I couldn't assume that position of my own accord. But my heart ached differently for him, and since I identified what that difference felt like, I couldn't deny it. It was a mother feeling for her son.

I would have to tread lightly with Edward. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, especially during such an emotionally heightened time. It would be his choice to come to me, and just as I had promised him three years ago, _I'll be whatever you need me to be, Edward, whether it's a sister, a mother, or just a friend._

Only in my heart had our relationship been defined, and in my heart, not my head, it would stay.

* * *

_**Saturday, June 4 is the last day to vote for Round 1 of the Avant Garde Awards! The link is in my profile. The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years is nominated for Best Love Story, Best Canon Pairing, Best Edward, Best Carlisle, and Best Esme! Please vote!**_

_**Also, Just the Way You Are and To My Dearest Mother are both nominated for Best One-Shot!**_

_**Thank you for your nominations and your votes! **_

_**My betas are **__**Sweetishbubble, Batgirl8968, and MelissaMargaret. They totally rock!**_


	16. Departure

_**I was hoping to get this chapter out much sooner, but sometimes things don't go as planned. I hope it was worth the wait. **_

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_Rochester, Minnesota  
October 1927_

Just because tears couldn't fall didn't mean I couldn't cry. I still felt every emotion of sadness and despair. I was still crumbled on the bottom steps sobbing. The pain was so deep. The unanswered thoughts rushed through my head, but no one else was listening.

_Could I have done things differently? Was it my fault? How long has this been building? Will he listen to reason? Will he listen at all? _

_Will I ever see him again?_

I knew it would be a miracle if Carlisle walked back in the door with him. He was so resolved when he strode out. I could weep for days and it wouldn't change the fact that Edward was gone.

I tried searching my mind for the answers to my questions and knew this had been building for a long time. It just needed a match to go up in flames. I was that match.

Edward had made a multitude of "mistakes" over the last two years. Some seemed to affect him more deeply than others. His emotions were often so volatile that I wondered what had happened to the boy that walked me down the aisle on our wedding day. He had all but disappeared.

One killing he would mourn and then he would recover with time. The next he would justify and we would argue over the value of life. While at first I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him, it wasn't long before I got tired of having the same arguments. And I certainly did not like having to defend the actions or beliefs of my husband.

_He never even gave us a chance to see what way of life we preferred! He brainwashed us into his way!_

_Edward! He would never stop you from doing what you want. He enlightened you from the beginning that there was another way to survive. You chose to live this life. You chose to share his compassion. _

_Maybe he has it wrong! What if we are the next evolutionary step and he's holding us back from what we are supposed to be consuming? _

I had refused to believe it. I didn't want to be one of those creatures who feasted on human blood, who ended lives without a single thought to what those people would leave behind. I didn't want others to suffer to satisfy my desire.

I understood the moment of gratification, though. As much as it horrified me to remember the boy I killed, I also remembered how euphoric I felt when I drank from him. No other meal had ever come close to being as satisfying as the taste of that human's blood. But for all the joy and satisfaction I felt in that moment, the realization of what I had done was not enough to make me want to do it again. I couldn't make another mother wonder until her death about what ever happened to her child.

_Do you know how many humans have lived and died in the time he's walked this earth? What vampires touch is insignificant in scale._

_Every life is significant, Edward. Every person touches someone. _

Carlisle was less hotheaded with him than I was and certainly more rational. He explained his reasons repeatedly to Edward. He never tried to persuade him. He just explained why he made the choices he did. That only seemed to incite Edward. He would lose his temper and yell at him. Carlisle would stay so calm trying to reason with him. It usually ended with Edward storming out of the house and Carlisle looking like a broken man that I would then have to put back together. Edward wouldn't come back until Carlisle had left for work, and then it was time for us to have words. It was a vicious cycle for a while.

His eyes were golden when we left the house tonight. He hadn't killed a human since July, and while he was still sullen at times, he seemingly had stifled the urge to fight. We were all in good spirits as we went to the opening of the new Chateau Dodge Theatre. It had been funded by Dr. Mayo and certain staff members had been invited to the opening event. My husband and his family were on the list.

We enjoyed the cinema. While in the dark theater with our eyes on the screen we were as normal as everyone else. It was a reliable activity. The movies changed, but the behavior of the patrons didn't.

And we loved the new stories, too. Every film was a new adventure. We could be taken away to lands and events where the sun shined. There was romance, humor, drama, and even some horror at times. Tonight's feature was a romantic comedy with William Haines. I was sure I enjoyed it more than Carlisle and Edward did, but a good evening was had by all.

We played our roles perfectly. I was by my husband's side as he greeted colleagues and their wives in the lobby and out on the street. I listened as they made small chat, and squeezed his hand gently when he received a compliment. He was highly regarded by his peers, and I was incredibly proud to be by his side.

Edward stayed close as Carlisle made introductions – always smiling and nodding politely as he was introduced as my brother. At least one older colleague suggested in hush tones to Carlisle that he wouldn't mind if Edward called on his daughter. My husband, always gracious, told him thank you but that Edward was in contact with a girl "back home." When the doctor pressed on as to where "home" was Carlisle suddenly spotted another doctor that he needed to say hello to. It was the game we played, and always would.

It was late when the last "good night" had been bid, and we began strolling down First Street. We were but three blocks away from the lights of the new marquee, when disaster nearly struck.

We were discussing the movie, and I was laughing and, as in such cases, things happened so fast.

A young couple had been coming toward us, obviously in a hurry as they went to scurry past us. Edward was just behind me, and Carlisle was on my arm on the street side of the sidewalk. Carlisle raised his other hand to gesture with a tip of his hat as they passed by his right side. _What would have happened if they hadn't gone toward their left?_

I had my mouth open wide with laughter as the scent filled my nose and mouth, pouring down my throat and setting it aflame. Only that scent could put the fire out. I had to have her now or the fire would consume me.

As I went to turn and attack what I had to have, I was lifted off my feet and smashed against the wall in the narrow nearby alley. I thrashed at Edward as he pinned my arms against my side, pressing me into the brick wall as I desperately tried to escape so I could smother the burning. He hissed for Carlisle to help him. Carlisle tried to grab my flailing head, to hold me still and cut off the scent, but I was having none of it. I didn't see anything but the beings getting in between me and what I desired. I snapped my teeth at him and at Edward. I would have done anything to sink my teeth into that woman's flesh including battle the creatures that were trying to stop me.

I continued to fight against my bindings in the form of Edward's grip. He held me so tight that, unknowingly to either of us, he gave me leverage. When in a spasm my legs kicked, my knee rose, and, with the force of a desperate and deadly vampire, I kneed Edward in the groin. His grip loosened just slightly, but it was enough to push off the wall and slip from his hands. I barely made it three steps before Carlisle tackled me to the ground.

I screeched before his hands wrapped around my nose, mouth and jaw slamming it shut. My chest was against the ground as he placed his full weight on top of me. A moment later Edward was holding him down on top of me when I tried to push up. I tried ripping at Carlisle's hands, but he wasn't letting go.

"Esme," he said soothingly, close to my ear as I continue to fight against him. "Esme," he repeated. "Come back to us. You don't need it. Breathe in my scent. You don't want that. You don't want to hurt anyone."

_But I did._ I couldn't escape the memory of it. Carlisle's scent was nothing in comparison. _Nothing_ had ever smelled so sweet. _Nothing._

I could hear Carlisle's voice, but in that moment I didn't care what he had to say. My craving was all encompassing. I felt like I was going to go mad if I didn't have it.

"She's going to fight us and try to bolt if we let her up. She's out of her mind. She doesn't care who we are at all," Edward practically growled.

"We can't stay here. I'm surprised someone hasn't heard the commotion or spotted us already."

"There aren't too many people around still. It's late. Carlisle, I've never seen her quite like this; not even with the first human she smelled."

"Go get the car," Carlisle commanded.

"You can't hold her down yourself."

"I will. I won't let her go. Run."

As soon as Edward was up, I was lashing against Carlisle. He kept speaking in my ear. Something in my mind was trying desperately to connect with his words, but the monster inside was snarling at that something.

When Edward pulled up along the street, it took both of them careful movements to secure me and get me into the backseat with Carlisle without being seen as it would have looked like an abduction. I fought a bit longer, causing some interior damage to the vehicle and Carlisle. Away from the scene I began to calm but was still in a foul mood and certainly on edge.

When we arrived home I kicked the car door open with such force that it broke. Carlisle wouldn't let go of me. Part of me said this was a ridiculous gesture, but another part knew it was for my own good.

He was joined by Edward on my other side, and they practically carried me into the house to the living room before stopping.

"Esme, do you promise not to run if we let go?" Carlisle sternly asked.

"I'm not going anywhere," I grumbled. I was bitter, but I wouldn't run.

Carlisle and Edward had a silent conversation with their eyes over my head before letting me go. I sat with a huff on the couch. Edward took the chair.

Carlisle sat down next to me. I moved over against the arm rest and crossed my arms. He tried to put a comforting hand on me, but I pulled away.

"Esme," Carlisle said soothingly. "I'll take your anger over the devastation you would be feeling right now if you had killed that young woman."

"I still want her," I griped.

"What?" He sounded surprised.

"I have to repeat myself. I STILL WANT HER!" I said angrily.

"Her mind is in a different space, Carlisle. It's like nothing either of us has ever experienced before. The desire is so deep." Edward sounded confused and thoughtful at the same time. It was like he was trying to find some deeper meaning in my behavior. I just knew that my hunger was not sated and I was not happy about it.

Carlisle didn't say a word. I glanced over at him and he looked lost in thought.

Suddenly Edward was on his feet. I looked up at him and was met with rage, but it wasn't directed at me. It was directed at my husband.

"You never thought to tell us that? You didn't deem that important?" Edward hissed through gritted teeth.

"It's not that it isn't important, I just never thought of it being an issue," Carlisle rationalized in response to some thought that hadn't been verbalized.

"Why? Because you curb our desire so greatly that this would never become an issue?" Edward's temper was flaring and I had no idea what was going on.

"What are you talking about?" I screamed in frustration.

"Your husband never thought it was important enough to tell us that some humans' blood can affect us and be more desirous to vampires than others." Edward's voice was spiteful. "It's usually on an individual basis where one human's blood calls to a particular vampire more potently than any other human's. He calls it a singer because the blood sings to you. If another human was openly bleeding and this perfectly intact person walked by you, it would overpower the spilled blood."

"And that's what happened to me tonight?" I was sobered by this new development.

"That's exactly what happened to you, but luckily you happen to know a mind reader who saw what you were about to do and stop you before you killed the woman and probably the man, too. Even if you hadn't killed him we would have had to destroy him."

"We stopped her, Edward," Carlisle said, still remaining steady.

"What if it had been me? Huh? What then, Carlisle? I would have taken off and killed that woman in the middle of the sidewalk on First Street. I wouldn't have known what was going on just as Esme didn't, but I knew to stop her. You wouldn't have known until it was too late."

"We handle things as they happen, Edward. We can't plan for these things. Even if you had known about the possibility of singers, the knowledge wouldn't have stopped you." I could hear a slight waiver in Carlisle's voice and touched his arm.

"You don't know that. What else are you not telling us?" Edward barked. I had never seen him so furious.

"Anything that you need to know I tell you. I always have."

"You're lying. This was important and it was never even a thought."

"I'm sorry, Edward. Yes, I figured since your diet was animal blood that this wouldn't be an issue for you. I was wrong."

_Edward, he just admitted he was wrong. Please, calm down._ But he refused to listen to me and pressed on.

"Because it's never happened to you. Because you are _so _innocent. You have never experienced human blood and you have never known what it's like to crave it. You don't know what we are going through and you don't know everything."

"I have never claimed to have all the answers, Edward," Carlisle said quietly.

"You don't have any and I'm done." I didn't like the finality of that statement.

"Edward! What do you mean you're done?" I yelled as he stormed out of the room.

"He can't give us answers, Esme." Edward was adamant. "He has his way and that's it. He doesn't see the other. He doesn't understand what's normal for our kind. He doesn't know our struggle. He can't comprehend it because of his warped ideas."

"They are not warped. Sparing human life because we can is not warped," I insisted.

"Have you ever thought that maybe it's what we are suppose to do? Just as the lion slaughters the zebra because that is what is right, maybe we are supposed to kill the humans. That it's what is right in nature. No one questions the lion because he eats what he desires. Why are we questioning what is so natural to us?"

"Because we are of higher intelligence than a lion," I said firmly.

"My high intelligence is telling me to live how we were meant to live."

"What are you saying?" My voice was wavering.

"I'm leaving. Now."

"Edward, no. That is not the answer. We can talk about this." _Please!_

"There's nothing more to talk about." He was eerily calm. "You can either come with me and live how we are suppose to live or stay here with him."

"That's not a choice," I said shaking my head. _I love you so much, but I will not leave my husband for any reason._

"Edward, please, just wait a day to calm down," Carlisle tried to reason.

"No!" Edward said angrily as he looked Carlisle in the eye. "I've listened to you enough. I've heard everything you've had to say. I can't do this anymore. I know what I want and it's not this." He turned to me and leaned down and kissed my forehead. "This isn't your fault. Tonight just made me realize what I've known for a while."

"Please, Edward. Don't leave me." My whole body was trembling.

"Goodbye, Esme."

"Edward, son, please don't do this. Please don't go." Carlisle's voice was shaking with emotion.

"A son learns from his father, but I need the world to teach me where you have failed me." His bitterness ripped at my heart.

"I'm sorry, Edward," Carlisle pleaded once again.

"We're past apologies. Goodbye."

He pushed out the front door and disappeared into the night. Carlisle watched him and turned to me, his eyes displaying his pain, but also his concern for me. He was torn between wanting to comfort me, and wanting to go after his son. There was only one choice this time.

"Go after him," I cried. "Before it is too late."

I collapsed on the steps with my chest heaving wishing that the tears would come. They never did.

I waited. I listened. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. As time passed and there was no sign of either man that I loved, it kept sinking in more and more that Edward was not coming back.

It was twilight when I heard a single set of footsteps approaching. My eyes set upon the door where a moment later my husband came in. Alone.

His head hung low. He didn't look up as he softly spoke. "I chased him up through Wisconsin but then he disappeared into Lake Superior. He never looked back." His voice cracked. "Not once."

I was instantly in front of him – my feet putting me there before I my mind could tell me to. Instincts.

I caressed his cheek, urging him to look at me, but he just folded his arms around me and buried his face in my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Esme. This is all my fault."

"It's not," I said as I held him to me, and repeated, "It's not."

* * *

"I quit."

"No! You can't. Carlisle, you love your job. I would never ask you to do that. It means so much to you."

"Not as much as you mean to me. Not as much as I love you. I can't leave you alone here anymore. We need to get out of this house."

Edward had been gone a week and a half, but it felt like eons longer. The evening after Edward left, Carlisle worked. Alone in the house all night I sat on the couch and wept. The second night I sat on the floor in Edward's room and wailed. I stopped crying after two nights and took to staring at the walls or the piano or the novel he was reading before we left for the cinema that was still sitting on the end table. His scent was still in the air and in everything he had touched. I kept listening for his footsteps. I longed to hear his laughter or see his smile.

It was lonely and quiet at night, and when Carlisle arrived home in the mornings things were not much better. While he could escape these walls and use work as a distraction, I was stuck in that house pondering what we could have done differently to have avoided his departure. When my husband would come home he would instantly feel my misery and be sucked into it too. I couldn't find joy. Everywhere I turned I was reminded of Edward.

"Where will we go? You don't have a position lined up," I insisted.

"How about we rough it for a little while?" he said with a bit of cheer in his voice.

"Rough it?" I asked skeptically.

"Many of our kind our nomadic and I've lived that life at times. Pack a bag and we'll go."

"Didn't you give notice?"

"No, I told Dr. Mayo that I had a family emergency and that I was resigning immediately. He said if I ever decided to come back that they would have a place for me there."

"You didn't have to do that," I mumbled.

"Esme, I did. You're unhappy. I'm unhappy. I know it has only been a week and a half. We are not going to suddenly forget him and the pain isn't going to suddenly go away. But I think staying here where every where we turn we are reminded of him isn't going to help us heal. As much as I grieve, seeing your pain only grieves me more." His hand reached out and caressed my cheek, but I didn't meet his eyes.

"What if he comes back? He'll think we have abandoned him," I worried.

"We can't stay here forever waiting for him, my love. If and when he decides to return to us, he'll find us where ever we are. He's left a void in our lives and holes in our hearts and I don't expect either to ever completely fill in, but we need to go on. We need to live and staying here is just going to keep us standing still."

"Carlisle, but…" I started to argue, but he cut me off with a gentle kiss. He tilted my chin with his fingers so I had to look at him.

"No buts, Esme. Pack lightly. It's about time we went on an adventure. I promised you that I would take you to see the world, but so far I've confined you to a few states. It's time you saw the ocean, Mrs. Cullen, and maybe met a few others of our kind as well. Go, pack, my love. We'll leave later today."

* * *

_**I think you are going to enjoy Carlisle and Esme's adventures.**_

_**Thanks to my betas **__**Sweetishbubble, Batgirl8968, and MelissaMargaret.**_


	17. Reconnection

_November 1927_

"Esme! Slow down!"

We had left Rochester several days ago at a sprint and never looked back. We had flown through the plains, and up through the mountains then had turned northwest over the border into Canada. Once on an escape route, I didn't want to stop.

We barely spoke as we were both lost in our thoughts. We just ran. We ignored the weather, and the human populations. We were supposed to be leaving our pain behind, but we carried it with us, and our minds were weighed down by it.

I was startled to hear Carlisle call out to me.

I slowed to a stop. He came to rest behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"Esme Cullen, where are you going?" he whispered in my ear. "You keep running ahead without pause or direction. I've let you stew for three days, but I need to hear your voice."

I leaned back against him and looked up through the trees toward the darkening sky.

"I could have done so much differently." My voice wavered as I spoke.

"As could I, but I don't know that it would have changed the outcome. Esme, as much as it pains me to say it, I believe this was a long time coming. He was unhappy for quite some time."

"But there must have been something I could have done differently," I moaned. Carlisle wrapped his arms around my waist and held me against him.

"It wasn't you that caused him to leave. It was me. This is in no way your fault." I couldn't let Carlisle bear all the guilt. I knew he was trying to take the blame and relieve me of my pain, but it was shared.

"I fought with him," I argued.

"You disagreed with him, but you gave him everything you could. I was the one who couldn't meet his expectations." He sounded so calm and rational – like it made perfect sense that he couldn't meet some standard either he or Edward set. I turned around to face him. I caressed his smooth cheek and as his eyes met mine they betrayed his reason. I tried to assure him.

"My love, you are who you are. You are compassionate and loving and want to see the best in people. You have chosen to live your way. It's not easy, but your moral compass wouldn't have you act any different way. He saw what was happening up there," I said, patting his temple. "He knows that you are not trying to deny him anything. You are just choosing to do things the right way instead of the easy way."

"Who's to say my way is right? I know what I believe in, but what if Edward is right?"

I didn't like that he was doubting himself when it was clear to me as it always was that his way was the right way and the only way.

"The value of a human life is priceless and if we can avoid destroying it, we should."

"I should have told him everything." His eyes fell from mine as he lowered his head. I kissed his hair and tried to sooth him.

"You've had more than two hundred and sixty years of experience and so many memories and events in your head. Edward has had barely a decade. It's not unreasonable that you haven't told us things because they haven't come up."

He sighed deeply and buried his face in my hair. "How did we go from me attempting to comfort you to you doing it for me instead?"

"That's what we do, love_. In sickness and in health._ Right now, we're both hurting."

"And the pain won't fade easily."

"Our son, for all intents and purposes, just walked out on us. He abandoned us, and told us that he didn't believe in us."

"In me," he said bitterly. I pulled away so I could take his face in my hands again. He had to see how much I loved him in my eyes.

"In us. I stand by you and your choices and not just because I'm your wife, but because I believe it is what is right. I'm worried more than anything that he has lost the sense of right and wrong."

"That's my failing too."

I wouldn't wallow in pity anymore and I wouldn't let him either. I was desperate for him to see reason.

"It's not. You have done everything you could for him."

"But it wasn't enough." His sorrow was too deep. I paused and softened my voice as I spoke again.

"Was there anything we could have done that would have been enough? As you said a moment ago, this was a long time coming."

"Maybe. The only one who has the answer is gone."

"And we are going to grieve for him and keep looking for answers as to what we could have done."

"Undoubtedly, we are going to keep going in circles as we have just done." I finally saw some semblance of understanding reflected in his eyes.

"We need to turn to each other, not put up these walls as we have been doing."

"I've missed you," he said softly taking my cheeks in between his fingers. His demeanor had changed. There was still sadness, but it was redirected from our missing son to me.

"I've been right here," I said and was met with a doubtful look. "I'm not a mind reader. What do you want to say that you are not saying?"

"You've always run to me when you are upset. When your instinct says turn away, you've pulled me close. I don't know why this time you stayed away."

"I'm sorry." My intention had never been to hurt him, but two people sharing pain seem to unwillingly inflict it on each other by their action or inaction.

"You don't need to apologize. I just kept wondering when you were going to land in my arms," he said as he moved his hands to my waist. "If I hadn't just made you stop and pulled you in, you would still be staying away."

"I've run to you because I needed comfort, and you were my rock. This time I was distraught and you were distraught. How could I burden you when you were carrying your own burden?"

He thought about the question before speaking – his voice seemed at least temporarily relieved of his grief and replaced with his esteem for me.

"Esme, my darling, I guess it is a testament to how happy we have been that we haven't both been in need of comfort at the same time, or there was a third party present to help shoulder the load. My worries were added to by you staying away. I thought your anger was geared toward me so I stayed away until you were ready, but I just couldn't take it anymore."

"No, that wasn't it at all," I disputed.

He pressed on. "If you are upset, love, I will always be here for you. No matter what I am feeling your welfare is paramount. You must talk to me."

"But you must do the same."

"It took us five years to have a moment of such discord. That's a pretty good track record," he said as he kissed my forehead with a slightly self deprecating laugh. "Never be afraid to talk to me. Never hold back what you are feeling."

"You must agree to do the same, Dr. Cullen," I said again as I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck and kissed his jaw. His hands slid down over my back, awakening something I hadn't felt in too long – desire.

"I agree," he said as he nuzzled my wild hair. "I've missed you," he said quietly again, but with new meaning in his tone.

"Maybe we should find a place to stay for a little while," I said, my voice rising slightly. We had never been anywhere near this long without being intimate, but all desire seemed to be doused by our separated mourning. We hadn't made love since the day before Edward left, which was two weeks ago. Now that we were reconnected verbally and mentally, we both needed to reconnect intimately.

"I could build a fire and pull out a blanket," he said rather quickly.

"I meant shelter, like an inn," I clarified.

"Esme, we're in the middle of nowhere. We can continue on another half a day or more until we come across civilization and perhaps an inn if that is really your wish," he said before placing kisses on my temple and trailing down my cheek. "Or we could stay out here."

"It could snow." I was the one trying to be rational for once, but the opposition continued.

"It's unseasonably warm at the moment. It won't go below forty this evening," he purred into my ear.

"We're outside." My resistance was waning as his lips continued down my neck.

"We're one with nature."

I laughed at my husband. "Are you really that anxious?"

He pressed his body against me and I could feel his erection straining against his clothes through my own. "Yes, yes, yes."

I dramatically sighed as I gave in. "Fine."

He moved at a rapid pace as he set about creating a small camp, with a fire and shelter, in a clearing nearby. As soon as it was ready, I was swept off my feet and laid down on the blanket on top of an earthen bed.

His kisses began at my lips and slowly trailed down my body as he removed my clothing. Every touch was exquisite and heightened after too much time apart. He was taking his time as he removed each layer, and planted a kiss on every bit of skin as it became exposed. When I was down to just my bloomers, he must have felt the need to catch up because he paused his stripping of me to strip off his own clothing.

I was flat on my back as I stared up at him, watching him quickly take off each piece. "Are you in a hurry?" I teased.

"Only in a hurry to get back to worshiping you."

I giggled and he beamed down at me. "What?" I asked at his grin.

"It's good to hear you laugh and see your captivating smile. The world is a dark place without it."

"You make me happy," I said as he finished undressing and sat down at my feet.

"Remember that in the bad times," he said as if it was an edict, but it was one that I would do my best to obey so I nodded in agreement.

His lips made their way to my stomach and the waistband of my bloomers. He slid them down noticeably slow. I was aroused and wet and deeply desiring him. When he removed them completely, he began his slow ascent back up my body by kissing my ankle, then my calves, his tongue lingering over my bent kneecaps, then slowly started up the inside of my thigh. When he started to move a little too close to my nether region, I pushed myself up on one arm and placed the palm from my other hand on his forehead.

"Where do you think you are going?"

He whimpered and from the priceless expression on his face, I think his reaction surprised him. He paused and composed himself before continuing calmly. "Would I ever harm you?"

"No."

"If I've done something you don't like, have I always stopped?"

"Yes."

"Esme, my love, I haven't broached this one in a very long time, but at the moment I want to taste you. Every bit of your skin has been so soothing to me. The taste of your skin on my tongue is revitalizing me. I understand your fear because it's something you never enjoyed giving, but maybe you'll like receiving it. If you don't I'll stop immediately. One word and I'll back away," he said punctuating it with a swab of his tongue very high on my inner thigh before meeting my eyes with a dark look of desire. I felt another rush of warm aching heat and nodded my consent.

He smiled and said, "If you're not happy, tell me. If you don't like it, tell me. I only want your pleasure."

I nodded and took a deep breath of air to steady myself.

"You'll know if I'm not happy, and I apologize now if you hit any trees when I toss you," I breathed out.

He slid a finger over the moisture already pooling and licked it clean. I moaned as he returned his lips to my stomach before slowly making their way down to my wetness. He was tentative and controlled and probably fighting some urge to dive right in. I appreciated that. His tongue touched my aroused bud and I practically jumped in the air as all the air rushed out of my chest. He stifled a chuckle and looked up at me. "I'm okay," I breathlessly said.

"Are you sure?"

I rapidly nodded, and he winked at me before making his next move. He didn't stop when I gasped again as his tongue began rolling over the same spot and my hips jumped. His hands moved to massage over my hips serving two purposes: holding me down and arousing me more. I couldn't stop the groans and gasps even if I tried. I touched a hand to his golden hair to encourage him. He added his lips to the mix as he sucked at my sensitive flesh resulting in me throwing my head back against the ground as I cried out. I felt his lips against my opening and one hand moved off my hip so his fingers could probe me, too. I couldn't take much more. Two weeks without him and now something so completely new was too much to take and he knew it.

I could hear him emitting noises of satisfaction. Any fears that he wouldn't like this or that it would make him turn away from me, were eradicated. He was thoroughly enjoying himself and I was too.

I was so close to my release and with a mumbled "Essence of Esme," a well placed finger, and a movement with his mouth that had to be sinful, I was powerfully erupting. He continued to lap at my opening and catch any "Essence of Esme" that he could with his tongue. When my shaking had stopped and his appetite for my essence was abated, at least temporarily, he looked up at me with devilish eyes, wetness still on his chin.

"I enjoyed that very much, Mrs. Cullen, as I always suspected I would. How are you?"

I beckoned him to come closer to me with one finger. Like a cat, he slinked up over me until his face was close to mine and his body dangled over me, his erection grazing my stomach. I licked his lips, tasting myself mixed with his venom. "I should have let you do that sooner." The Cheshire Cat grin took over his face.

"Does that mean that I'll be able to do it again?"

"Definitely."

I felt his length twitch against me. I hadn't touched him at all since he removed my clothes, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that foreplay wasn't necessary at the moment. I repositioned my hips and took his in my hands and a moment later we were joined.

After two weeks without this, we found ourselves in the position of making up for lost time. We made love over and over again. We needed to enjoy our intimacy and for a few hours – or fourteen – forget about our troubles and focus on each other.

* * *

The skies were grey as we lay wrapped in each others' arms. We were satisfied for the moment and were just enjoying the post coital bliss. His hands still wandered ever so lightly over my frame as he pressed his forehead against mine, our eyes staring into each others'.

I finally spoke, "So, where are we going?"

"We could just stay here forever," Carlisle said leaning in to kiss me for a moment.

"Tempting, very tempting," I said against his lips.

"I was thinking that it might be good for you to meet some others of our kind."

"Are you speaking of your friends in Alaska?"

He nodded. "I am. I think it will be good for you to have some other people to speak to."

"You're all I need," I said while attempting to pull him closer.

"I know, but there may be times when you need someone to confide in other than me. Edward was your confidant and now that he's gone, you should have someone else."

"But they're in Alaska."

"Maybe we'll stay with them for a while," he said pleasantly, but I had my doubts.

"I don't want to be an intruder."

"You won't be. We won't be. They'll be happy to have us."

"When was the last time you saw them?"

"1905."

I was worried. While I did want to meet Carlisle's friends, the idea of my first meeting including Carlisle's former love interest was not particularly appealing even if he hadn't seen her since I was ten.

"What if they don't like me?"

"Esme, how could anyone not love you?" He tried to reassure me.

"I'm being serious."

"And so am I. I promise, my love, they will adore you."

* * *

"It should be right over that hill," Carlisle said as we trekked through the snow. His spirits were definitely rising.

He squeezed my hand as we reached the crest. As we stepped up to the top, we were not alone.

A man with dark hair stood ten yards away in the snow. He was slightly shorter than Carlisle, and there was an olive tone to his fair skin, but his eyes were our own.

His guarded look melted as his eyes moved from my unfamiliar face to Carlisle's and a smile replaced his scowl.

"Carlisle!" he called out jovially and was in front of us a moment later embracing my husband. "It's been too long!"

Carlisle was beaming. He was just as thrilled to see his friend. "I agree, Eleazar, but you are the one who chooses to live in this frozen tundra."

"And you are the one who chooses to live among humans instead of with your own kind, but it looks like that may have changed," he said lithely as his eyes turned toward me. Unlike Carlisle who tucked his English accent away, Eleazar's Spanish roots were obvious in his voice.

Pride ruled my husband's face as he presented me to his friend. "Eleazar, I would like to introduce you to my wife, Esme."

Eleazar's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly recovered and took my hand to kiss it. "It is a pleasure to meet you, _Señora_Cullen," he said with respect and a grin.

"Please, call me Esme, and it is a pleasure meeting you as well. You are the first of Carlisle's," I paused for just a moment to find the right phrasing, "long time friends I have met."

He chuckled. "Well there are four more at the house that I am sure will be tickled to meet you, Esme. Hopefully they won't be too overbearing," he said with a wink at Carlisle who rolled his eyes in response. "Let's head down there as it is obvious we have a lot to catch up on, Dr. Cullen."

Eleazar offered me his arm and I took it with my free one. I was trying to get a grasp on my emotions. Eleazar was the first vampire I had seen other than Carlisle and Edward, and like them his features were stunning. What would these women look like?

It wasn't a long wait. The house blended into the landscape of the valley. The fact that it was white and covered in snow made it even more invisible, but somehow they knew we were approaching because four female figures could plainly be seen standing outside waiting for our approach.

"In a land so quiet, we hear any disturbance that happens within five miles," Eleazar said, answering my unasked question.

As we got closer I observed the women and immediately felt inadequate. The first time I saw myself in the mirror after I was changed I knew I was beautiful. In Carlisle's eyes, I felt like I was the only woman in the world. Standing before us, however, were the four most stunning creatures I had ever seen. They were so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at them.

The one who shared Eleazar's pale olive complexion and dark hair had to be Carmen. The three blonde were beyond reproach. Each one was uniquely exquisite in her own way. The shortest one had bobbed pale hair the curled in at the bottom around her face. The one to her right looked to be my height with similar colored hair, but much longer. Her face was cuter than the angular look of the smaller one. The last one had almost a hint of red to her locks and as beautiful as the others were, she outshone them all. This had to be Irina and I believed my suspicions correct when she stepped forward first to greet us.

"Carlisle Cullen!" Her voice was sugary sweet and alluring. She tossed her hair slightly. I gripped his arm a little harder.

"Hello, Tanya," he responded. _I was mistaken._

"Who is this that you brought all the way up here?" she asked as she looked me up and down with a quick glance. We stopped in front of them. Eleazar left my arm to stand next to Carmen, who smiled up at her mate.

"Ladies, it is good to see you. The woman before you is my wife, Esme."

Tanya laughed in amusement and glanced toward the shortest one whose eyes were boring into me. _Irina._

"What a surprise! Your wife. I didn't know that you had it in you, Carlisle," Tanya teased and walked toward me to take my hand. "You're a lucky woman, Esme, and must be very special to have captured our dear Carlisle's heart. Others would have liked the privilege."

"I'm the lucky one, Tanya," Carlisle interjected. "That this angel consented to spend eternity with me." He placed a kiss on my cheek.

"An angel? Well, I guess halos weren't straight enough around here for your goodness."

The one who had to be Kate giggled and added, "Or missing all together."

"Enough," Carmen said stepping forward and placing herself in between me and the strawberry blonde. She embraced me. "Welcome, Esme. I'm Carmen. Don't let these harpies get to you. We are thrilled that our dear friend has found his mate."

"No need for name calling, Carmen. Carlisle knows that we tease. I am sorry if I offended you, Mrs. Cullen," Tanya said.

"Please, call me Esme. No offense is taken." _Yet._

"I'm Tanya and these are my sisters, Kate and Irina," she said with a gesture toward each beautiful blonde.

"Welcome to our home," Irina finally spoke very stiffly, but stepped forward to shake my hand.

Kate was friendlier as she hugged me as well. "We're not really harpies," she said in a loud whisper. "I'm Kate and any friend, or more than friend, of Carlisle's is a friend of ours."

"I feel the same," I said with a grin. "But I'm his only more than friend."

"Possessive. I like it," Kate said as she took my arm and pulled me away from Carlisle and into the house.

We entered into a large great room with a massive fireplace. I could see a few doors off the room and a staircase went up to a walkway that wrapped around the second level where there were more doors.

Kate escorted me over to one of several couches and sat me down next to her, keeping her grasp on my hand. Carlisle moved in to take the space on the other side of me.

"Mrs. Cullen," Tanya chirped as she sat down across from us. "We are just a bit surprised, Carlisle. We have much to catch up on. You must tell us everything. How has this mating come to be?"

I looked toward Carlisle and found him lovingly gazing at me. He tenderly lifted a tendril of my hair and tucked it behind my ear as he began, "It all began on a hot summer evening in August 1911 when a sixteen-year-old girl fell out a tree and landed in my emergency room."

* * *

_**I hope you enjoyed Carlisle and Esme's first "make up sex." **_

_**Next up: Esme gets to know the Denali coven. **_

_**Welcome to my new readers! The number of people adding TEC to their favorites and story alerts has been increasing rapidly. Please review and let me know your thoughts about the story.**_

_**Last week at Comic Con I met Mrs. Esme Cullen, Elizabeth Reaser! Visit my profile page to see my picture with her! **_

_**Also, my stories have been nominated for multiple Hopeless Romantic Awards. Thank you so much for the nominations! The link to the awards is on my profile page. Please vote! **_

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	18. Denali

**Thank you for your patience! It's been a very busy summer! I hope you won't have to wait so long again. Enjoy!**

* * *

_November 1927  
Denali, Alaska Territory_

"Ah, Esme, I'm so happy to finally get you all to myself!" Carmen said as I sat down beside her in the great room.

We had been in Denali for several days. The sisters, Carmen and Eleazar had listened enraptured as Carlisle told them of his life since that day in 1911 and how Edward came into his life, then me, and everything that has occurred in between. Hearing our story through his recollection was remarkable. While living it had been amazing, hearing his telling of it and his emotions made me feel so completely loved. He was animated and emotional as he told our story of love and most recent loss.

They stopped him to ask us questions, and after several days of discussions I felt like they knew so much about us, but I knew so little about them. The sisters had left a little while ago. They needed to hunt both for food and for men as they had been preparing to leave when we had arrived and distracted them from their departure. Carlisle and Eleazar had headed out as well, but not before we took a moment to ourselves outside.

I had moved in close to Carlisle in the shadow of the house and kissed him. Our lips lingered close to each others' as he said, "I think it will be good for you to spend some time alone with Carmen."

"Why?" I asked.

"She's a good woman and has been mated in this life for a long time."

"So?" _What did that have to do with anything?_

"I think you will like her a lot," he said with an encouraging tone as he brushed his hand over my cheek.

"I like her already," I assured him, but I felt like there was more toward this meeting. "What are you not saying?"

"I'm saying that there may be issues and challenges that you feel as a woman that I can't help you with, but she is a good person to answer your questions."

"So you don't want me talking to Tanya?" I cautiously asked.

"No, it's not that. It's just that the sisters are a bit more…" he was searching for the right word before saying, "liberal with their choices, and I think Carmen is a bit of a better match for your disposition."

I chuckled. "Go have your manly bonding time with Eleazar and let me be a hen with Carmen."

"That's not what I-" I cut him off with a kiss.

"Go, love. I'll be just fine with Carmen."

Eleazar was waiting by the door as we entered the house. He grabbed Carlisle's arm before he could get more than two steps in and disappeared with a, "Ladies," for acknowledgement.

And so I found myself alone with Carmen, confused by her statement. "Why is that?" I asked her. Her hair was dark and her skin was a pale olive that hailed from her Spanish roots. She was slightly shorter than me. Her voice was warm and her English was impeccable.

"While I love those three women dearly, there are certain things about my choices and my life that they render impossible to have a decent discussion about. Our views on men as you can quite imagine are different. Although truth be told, we have spent so much time learning about you, and I don't know what Carlisle has told you about us."

"He's told me some, but I'm sure there is so much more to learn."

"I'm sure there is too," she said with a smile. "But Carlisle did so much of the talking that I want to hear your voice. You are someone very special."

"Oh? Why is that?" A few days ago I would have agreed with that, but having spent the last few days in the presence of these four stunning women, I was feeling a bit lost about what my attraction could be.

"To have won the heart and hand of the saintly Dr. Carlisle Cullen! My dear, do you have any idea how many women over the centuries would have gladly taken him to their home and their bed?"

I felt immediately on edge and stifled a growl. I subdued the urge to run out after him. Carmen noticed my reaction, and she tried to calm me with her words.

"You won't find anyone who will challenge your claim here, Mrs. Cullen," she said to reassure me. "I can tell you know about Irina, but whatever her feelings are she wouldn't dare make a move toward Carlisle. They may be harlots, but they are good girls and they do respect boundaries. I've never had to worry about them making any overtures toward Eleazar. One, they just won't because he's mine, and two, if one of them did they know I would rip her head off."

I stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to say, but she patted my hand and assured me, "They won't threaten you and your relationship with your mate in anyway."

"They seem nice." There was an uneasiness in my tone.

"They are nice, they just have a fixation on men and sex," she said plainly. "They have found a way to make it work with little harm and much enjoyment for them and the men whom they enjoy."

I felt embarrassed. This didn't seem like proper conversation, but she said, "Don't be embarrassed, my dear. If you spend any amount of time with mated vampires you'll find that intimacy is hardly discretionary."

"Why not?"

"We cohabitate, my dear Esme. I wasn't about to give up my intimate relationship with my mate because of the ladies. Haven't you run into this issue with your Edward living with you?"

I flinched as I remembered how often we sent Edward running out the door. "He can read minds so yes, it was complicated at times."

"But even if he couldn't read your naughty thoughts, he would hear you. We hear everything. As Eleazar told you, we hear for miles around here."

A new level of embarrassment was added to my concerns about Edward. It was never an easy or comfortable situation when it came to Edward where our intimate moments were concerned. Visions breaking into his mind were bad enough, but the thought of him listening to us added to my mortification. I was sure I looked ill.

"I guess I never really thought about it because as you say, the bigger concern was that he could hear our thoughts."

"I see. Yes, well that is understandable," Carmen said as if it was a natural concern. The next question I believe was her attempt to steer our discussion in another direction. "So, how is our dear doctor as a lover?"

I'd had enough and rose to my feet. I was already feeling humiliated and the last thing I wanted was to talk about Carlisle's prowess in the bedroom. "I'm not going to discuss my relationships with you! I hardly know you."

"Esme, please calm down," she said with a cherry disposition, trying to keep the conversation light, but I was having none of it.

"I will not calm down. You may be comfortable discussing your intimate relationships freely among you and the women you live with, but I'm not. What happens between Carlisle and I is personal and certainly none of your business."

Her smile had faded and she endeavored to rationalize her behavior. "I'm sorry. I thought spending all that time among two male vampires that you may want a woman's ear, but I also forget that you two are still newlyweds."

"We've been married for five years. We're hardly newlyweds," I spat out at her.

She retorted, "Try fifty and maybe then we'll consider you past the honeymoon phase. For relationships truly bound forever, five years is barely five human minutes."

"Now you are insulting our marriage." I was becoming furious. How dare she treat my marriage with such disregard.

She sighed deeply and looked slightly defeated as she tried to calm me down. "No, Esme, please. I'm sorry. We're getting off on the wrong foot. I want to be your friend, and, if needed, your confidant. You haven't had any woman of our kind in your life, and I know Carlisle well enough that he brought you here at this time for a reason. From what I deduced, you were very close with Edward, and I'm sure you confided in him quite often, but there were certain things you couldn't talk about with him. You only have your husband now, which I know feels like enough, but there will be times when you may need someone to talk to. If you have questions or curiosities I want to help you."

"Thank you, Carmen," I said flatly. I wanted to trust her. Carlisle wanted me to be friends with her and thought highly of her. I sat back down as she continued.

"Your husband is admired greatly among our kind, but then there are others who see him as an oddity, a freak of a nature in our already unnatural existence."

"He's the best of our kind," I stated emphatically.

She pressed her lips together and was very direct in her tone as she went on, "Esme, I'm not trying to start a debate. I agree that Carlisle is extraordinary for a multitude of reasons. His inability to take human life, and, more impressively, his ability and desire to save it is beyond reproach. I was honestly quite shocked when Carlisle said that he was the one to change you and that he had changed another. I would never doubt his control and ability to retreat before he drained a human allowing for the change, but the ethical decision to bring anyone into this life would seem on the surface something that Carlisle would never even consider."

"He told you his reasons."

"Yes," she agreed. "He explained himself very thoroughly, and it still is very surprising, but I know what it means."

"What does it mean?"

Her face relaxed and a hint of a smile reappeared. "It means that you and Edward are very special in a way that must be very close to on par with Carlisle and for that you will face challenges. The Volturi were amused by Carlisle and never thought of him as a threat. He was an eccentric and they often tried to entice him to try human blood to see how he would react. Of course Carlisle would not be tempted. 'Stregoni Benefici' was their nickname for him. It was easy for them to let him go, although Aro did enjoy his rigorous mind and was sad for that loss. He was only one vampire though. He did make some of the guard uncomfortable and we've met other vampires along our journeys that also feel discomfort."

"Why? We are no threat to them."

"It's not a matter of being threatened necessarily," explained Carmen. "It could be that they feel inadequate because if Carlisle was able to overcome his desire for human blood and on top of that deal with open wounds without even batting an eye, why can't they be like that, too? Those are the vampires that usually admire him because they know he is so pure in his thoughts and beliefs. Some think he is a fool for not just giving into his desire and doing what they see as the natural way of vampires. Your husband is well known among our kind. He's a legend of sorts. I just thought you should know that. Most who have met him can't help but respect him, but there are some who do not think as highly of him as they should."

"Why are you telling me this?" I didn't know whether to be baffled or suspicious.

"Because you have not met others of our kind. I think it is good for you to understand how others perceive him and us non-human-killing vampires. They will question him for his choice to change you. I'm sure Eleazar is drilling him." So many of her answers she stated as if they were a natural response. I felt slightly talked down to, but I held my emotions in check.

"But he already explained it," I insisted.

"Yes, but Eleazar will want Carlisle to search deeper into his being than he ever has before. The answer may not change."

"Carlisle is so open and honest, why would Eleazar even question his story?" _If he was his friend, surely his word was golden._

"Because he cares much for your husband as we all do. We want to make sure he's alright."

"He's perfect," I said adamantly.

"I'm sure he is. I'm sure his intentions were honorable." Her smile had returned and she leaned over and patted my hand in a gesture of assurance. "I'm happy for him that he's no longer alone. He wanted companionship; whether he said it out loud or not, we knew that. When things went south with him and Irina though, combined with us being so removed from anywhere he could practice his craft, he felt he had to leave."

"What do you mean by went south?" I asked cautiously.

"It just wasn't meant to be," Carmen said lightly, but there was a slight strain in her voice. "There was a mutual admiration, but there wasn't enough there for something lasting." She paused and reached over and took my hand again. "He never looked at her the way he looks at you."

"She doesn't like me."

"Give Irina time and she'll come around. She's not use to being bested when it comes to men. Carlisle was a challenge for her and she lost. She's wound up at the moment, but she's gone off to get some of her brand of relaxation. If I know Irina, she'll be better when she comes back. Plus, Kate and Tanya will talk some sense into her. They already love you."

I was surprised by this admission. "They do?"

She nodded. "You won Carlisle's love and affection, and there is nothing in Carlisle's story that leads me to believe you don't love him in return."

"With all of my heart."

We were quite for a moment as we both let those words sink in. I was feeling slightly better about Carmen. She restarted the conversation.

"So let's go in a different direction. What do you want to do with your time, Esme?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think you two are going to stay here forever no matter how well you and Irina get along, so what do you want to do with your eternity when you settle somewhere and Carlisle starts working again?"

I had been in such a fog when he was at work since Edward left that I hadn't thought about moving forward.

"I will work on our new home, wherever that is."

"That will only be for so long and then what?"

I spoke the first thing that entered my mind. "I've always wanted to attend college."

"Ambitious…for a woman." Her expression show signs of being impressed by also a slight hint of doubt. I felt my defenses going back up.

"There's no reason that I can't get the same education as a man. If I'm smart enough and can afford it why not?"

Any doubt she had immediately faded. "I think that sounds wonderful, Esme. Classes and homework would be good for you. It will keep you busy and give you something else to focus on when Carlisle isn't home. What would you study?"

"I don't know. I guess I could get numerous degrees in the future so I'll see what programs are available to me when we settle wherever we end up next."

"So you will go where he wants to go, not where you want to go?" I didn't care for the implication that I just follow Carlisle around. I was happy to be at his side wherever he could best put his skills to work.

"We'll go where his talents are needed. I can adapt to anywhere."

She smiled with some semblance of understanding. "I'm sure you can. Just don't ever forget that you are in this together, forever."

It was my turn to change the conversation. "Am I correct in thinking that you and Eleazar are not married?"

"Officially is there a paper somewhere that has our names on it, no, but we are completely committed to each other. The word vampires use is mated and I'm sure you are familiar with the term already since you have used it. Just as you are attracted to Carlisle and will never want anyone else, I feel the same about Eleazar. He is mine and I am his. I've never felt the attraction that I feel toward him for anyone else and it's not just physical. Our minds, our countenance, were a perfect match for each other. We give each other balance. Long after any piece of paper disintegrates and any words we would have said will be lost to time, we will still be one."

"You think little of marriage then?" I asked quietly.

"It's not that. Marriages are important and sacred, but we just never felt the need for such a ceremony. At the same time, we had no one to commit to each other in front of while you had Edward. Religion, God and faith are all things that Carlisle still values. Marriage and making a vow to you, and promising before God and Edward, who he obviously holds in high regard, his eternal dedication to you, I'm sure was the only way he could move forward with your relationship." I knew the truth of what she said. Carlisle had wanted to do right by me in his mind.

Carmen continued, "We didn't need anyone to validate our commitment, but we also don't fit into society the way that Carlisle does. He straddles the boundaries of the human world and our own in a way that few want to or think about even attempting to do. Neither I nor Eleazar were brand new to this life when we found each other. We had left the human world completely behind. You on the other hand woke up to Carlisle and had only existed for twenty-seven years when you married. A wedding was an appropriate step for you so close to your human life. It was what is natural. Living in sin was not an option, I'm sure. We were beyond such human activities, but I understand the value and need to formally commit in humans and in that way in Carlisle."

Maybe I hadn't given Carmen enough credit. The more she spoke the more I was beginning to see why Carlisle wanted me to befriend her. "It wasn't an option."

"Living in sin?" Carmen asked.

I nodded.

She chuckled and again showed her understanding through her eyes. "I would expect nothing less from Carlisle Cullen. He's an honorable man, and by saying that I'm not saying that Eleazar isn't, but Carlisle's faith is particularly strong for our kind. Some redemption of heaven – if such a place exists – would mean a vow to God before any type of consummation of your relationship could take place. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Esme. It's quite lovely. You are his world now."

"And he's mine."

"And Eleazar is mine. Your Edward has left, but Carlisle will never leave you. He is your husband. He is your mate. You won't find vampires who truly have committed themselves to each other who one day fall out of love. When we find the one, there's no going back."

"I believe that." There would never be an option to fall out of love. Carlisle had been in my heart for so long that he owned it for eternity.

"Because you live it, but you thought your Edward would never leave. He wasn't bound to you. Carlisle is."

My smile faded. Carmen seemed to have a way of making a point. She seemed to know what direction she was heading in from the first unrelated sentence she spoke. She was steering the conversation and from the moment she opened her mouth she knew the destination.

"You think that is my fear?"

"I know that is your fear, but I'm telling you that Carlisle will never under his own power abandon you. You two are connected."

"How do you know this?"

"History. It's the way our kind has always been – one mate forever. So you don't have to worry about Irina."

"Is that what this is all about?" I couldn't help but chuckle. Irina had been far from my mind.

"Not completely, but I felt the need to reiterate it right there. It seemed an appropriate time."

I laughed again. "Oh Carmen, I know my husband well enough that he wouldn't have brought me here if there was any type of threat from Irina – or that if there was, he knew I can handle myself."

"But you were jealous?"

"Cautious," I corrected. "And wouldn't you feel a bit possessive if Eleazar came upon four beautiful vampires whom you never met?"

"Touché."

"Now that you have done a cursory analysis of me, please tell me a bit more about you."

* * *

"I'm sorry that I haven't given you a warmer reception, Esme. I must admit my pride got the better of me," said Irina. She was very reserved.

"You don't need to apologize, Irina," I said, trying to make sure I sounded genuine.

"But I do. I was cold to you when you arrived, and as my sisters have pointed out to me, I've been rude."

"It's alright. I understand."

"No, it isn't. It's been uncalled for. You have done nothing wrong. My vanity got the better of me."

I sat silently on the sofa waiting for her to continue. It seemed that every few days I was conveniently left alone with one of the vampires from Denali to have a tête-à-tête with them. Carmen had been first, then Kate, Tanya, Eleazar and finally, Irina. I found myself growing more comfortable with all of them with each passing discussion. I felt the warmth they had toward each other through their words and expressions. They were a family of sorts, just as Carlisle, Edward and I had been. I felt Irina had purposefully been putting off our talk. I was sure of it by her level of discomfort as she searched for the right thing to say.

"Esme," she finally spoke with a dramatic sigh, "I know you know I had feelings for Carlisle and that he somewhat returned them. I cared for him and thought for a fleeting time that maybe he and I could have what Eleazar and Carmen have. He's good, kind, brilliant, compassionate, and beautiful. I opened my heart to him as I never have to another male, not even Eleazar. He listened and seemed interested in me. I enjoyed his company tremendously."

"So what happened?"

"I wasn't you," she spat out, but quickly swallowed and composed herself. "There, I've gone and done it again. I'm sorry. My sisters call me fiery at times. I don't always censor myself when I should. I'm too impulsive. That was probably why it didn't work and wouldn't work."

"What happened?" I asked again, my voice not as soft as before.

"As you know we have a bit of a penchant for men. I wanted our relationship to become intimate. Physical. I think when I pushed for us to take that step, it made him push away. He realized then that his feelings were not at the same place as mine. He left soon after. Although he did visit again on occasion, and we did have warm conversation, there was never a kiss or any romantic gesture made again."

The idea of Carlisle making any sort of romantic gesture toward someone else made me stiffen, but I quickly relaxed. She was speaking of events that happened decades ago, possibly before I even existed. He wasn't going to change his mind so I might as well befriend this woman who was his friend, but never his lover.

"He's different," Irina continued. "I see that. It's in his eyes and his voice. You've changed him. Part of me always thought that maybe he would come around someday – that he would grow weary of being alone and return to me. I see now that I never stood a chance. I wasn't the one. The way he looks at you and speaks of you is true love if such things exist. He exudes happiness."

"He's my other half."

"I know, and I just want you to know that I'm happy for him and for you. Even if I can't have him, I still want him to be happy. Please don't see me as any type of threat. My sisters and I are bold flirts, but if we say anything you deem inappropriate to your husband it's not meant to coerce him in anyway. It's just us being, well, us," she said with a grimace that begged forgiveness.

"I appreciate your honesty, Irina. I've always been a romantic and it became pretty clear rather quickly after I was changed that Carlisle and I were fated. I hope that if what you truly want is a mate that you find him."

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." She smirked at me. "For now though, I'll find ways to satisfy my desires as I always have."

"Isn't it difficult?" I didn't understand the sisters' behavior. It was a lifestyle that I couldn't comprehend.

"What?" Irina looked a bit confused.

"To just have a physical relationship?"

She relaxed and gave me and incorrigible look. "Are you saying that you don't enjoy your physical relationship?"

"I enjoy it immensely, but the desire is not just physical. It's a level of comfort because I know him so well – because I love him."

She placed a hand up to stop me from continuing and cut me off with a raised voice. "You romanticize sexual desire. That's sweet and for some it can be. For some of us, desire is desire. It can be based completely on physical attraction and we act upon it. We usually get to know something about the men we copulate with beforehand – make sure they're not some miscreant. It's nice to have what you and Carlisle have, but for some of us, that's just not necessary."

"I find that sad." How could they bare themselves and give themselves over so completely without love?

"Don't. I'm happy and so are Tanya and Kate. It's not that we can't experience love like you two have. We can and hopefully someday we each will, but this satisfies other needs for us."

There was no need to debate this and for Carlisle's sake I wanted us to get along. "If it makes you happy then no harm, no foul, right?"

"You don't have to approve, Esme. I'm not asking your approval or your permission. You have your own code of conduct and I'm sure you never would dream of a physical relationship without a ring on your finger."

I should have just taken the blow, but my ego got the best of me.

"No, that was Carlisle. I would have had him in bed much sooner, but he was the one who insisted we wait."

Irina looked dumbfounded.

"Irina, while Carlisle told you much of our time together, he only scratched the surface of my human life. I had a very unhappy marriage that was abusive on every level, especially in the bedroom. I never had the choice that you have always had. At times I suffered anxiety at the thought of mating with Carlisle, but there were moments when I desired him and would have thrown any inhibition aside. I tried, but I respected his wish to wait and I value that he respected me and loved me so much that he wanted us to be married beforehand. He wanted me to be his wife. How could I not respect his wishes? How could I not adore the man who loved me that much?"

She was silent as she pondered this and then a smirk developed on her face and she said, "He is too good. We would have never worked out."

We both burst into a fit of laughter. "Well then if that's the case, I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Irina."

For the first time, I saw a truly friendly expression in her features. "That's what I was hoping for. I don't want the past to hinder the present. I want to be your friend."

"And I accept your offer of friendship," I gladly said.

We spent the rest of our time talking about other subjects. Just as her sisters had before her, she told me about the events of how she came to be and what she knew of her human life. I shared more of my past as well.

By the time the rest of our compatriots returned I felt a bond to Irina just as I felt to the rest of the Denali vampires. They all cared deeply for my husband, which would have ingratiated each one of them to me on its own, but they also had good hearts and were good people. They welcomed me into their home and offered true friendship. While I knew it was only a matter of time before we departed, I was sure that we would see them again soon. This group of vampires was in a way Carlisle's extended family and would always be there when we called upon them. Of that I was certain.

* * *

**_The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years_ won the Hopeless Romantic Award for Best Esme! Thank you for your nominations and your votes!**

**Thank you as always to my betas, Melissa, Ali and Heather! **

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**I'm already hard at work on Chapter 19 - just a little teaser, I was crying while working on it - and I'm also working on the expansion of _Miracles and Mischief_.**

**Reviews are love, and really good encouragement!**


	19. Moving On

**Author's Note: The first part of this chapter references characters and moments from "The Esme Chronicles: The Human Years," the first story in "The Esme Chronicles." It is published on this site. **

* * *

_May 1928  
Wisconsin_

The scent of the air was familiar although I hadn't been in the area in six years. You don't easily forget the way the air smelled and felt the first time you hunt as a vampire. The air that you breathed is imprinted in your nose and on your throat. The foliage was still blooming since it was only spring in Wisconsin. My first hunt had taken place in June, but the air was still familiar with the earth, the trees and the lake.

We had hidden the new Model A off the side of the road in the trees, and were taking the last few miles on foot. If we had driven to our destination late at night, some curtains would no doubt have been peeked through. We wanted our return to go completely unnoticed…well almost completely.

In one hand I gripped my husband's hand. I could feel the metal of his wedding band against my skin. In the other I held a bouquet of flowers we had picked up earlier that I was carrying to its resting place. That was the part that may have been noticed.

When we had returned to Rochester from Denali we had already decided that the stay would be short. Carlisle immediately began looking for his next position. I didn't care where we went, but I had one request of him – apply in areas where there were colleges or universities that would allow me as a woman to study. I didn't need an all women's school. I actually preferred the challenge of co-education. He was thrilled that I was ready to continue my studies.

He was elated when he was offered a position with his alma mater, The University of Pennsylvania, including a teaching tenure. I was happy with moving to Philadelphia because there were numerous schools of higher learning. I didn't expect to get into the prestigious university where Dr. Cullen would be imparting his wisdom upon the doctors of tomorrow. I had applied to six schools in the area including the University of Pennsylvania. I was past application deadlines, but my forged transcripts were relatively accurate for what I had achieved as a schoolgirl. I don't know what Carlisle did, what strings he pulled or lies he told, but I was shocked when I opened the letter with the Quakers seal and found that I was accepted.

Carlisle still owned a home in Philadelphia that was rented out through a property manager. It had been maintained, but it had few renovations over the decades. Carlisle had modern plumbing and electricity installed, but he said that little else has been done but coats of paint. I thought of it as a dream project, and was looking forward to bringing a home built in 1763 back to its former glory.

We only shipped so much from the Rochester house and the rest we sold. I had a feeling that the Philadelphia home would require different furnishings to fit its personality. We were selling the Rochester house as well. The place of such pain when Edward left held no connection for either of us. We knew if Edward wanted to come home he would find us.

We began our journey by car to Philadelphia and we had stops to make along the way. The outskirt of Ashland was on my list.

As we reached the edge of town we could see a singular light in the window of the house Carlisle had brought me home to on the night I died to be reborn. As we quickly departed Ashland in 1921 he had the house put on the market.

"I should have kept it," Carlisle grumbled as we walked by.

"For what purpose?" I asked. "We couldn't live here again any time in the foreseeable future."

"For nostalgia. For our personal history. We may be able to return in a century."

He sounded so reasonable, but I didn't feel his same "nostalgia."

"I'm sure if you are desperate to return here, and want the home again it will come on the market over the next century, but I honestly don't believe there will ever be a time when I would want to live here again. This place may have given me you, but it was also the place where I was driven to my death. The pain is too deep," I whispered. I would need to visit this place, but I wouldn't live here again.

"I'm sorry, Esme, for being so thoughtless of your feelings." I could hear his remorse.

"It's a mixture of emotions. I opened my eyes to you in that house. I awoke from a nightmare to a dream come true, but the nightmare that I left behind was very real."

He pulled me close and kissed my temple. "I'll do everything I can to make sure the nightmares never return."

The moon was nearly full and shed more light on the night than we would have liked, but we were not aborting out mission. We walked on in silence through the town and headed toward the outskirts. His thumb was rubbing over the back of my hand trying to relieve some of my tension as we arrived at our destination. He could be by my side and support me, but there was only so much he could do.

It had been six years, but I remember the exact spot and headed for it. We made our way carefully through the cemetery, not that we would disturb anyone, but respect was to be paid for the dead. I could see a small headstone marking the spot. I hadn't ordered one. There hadn't been time before…

"I took the liberty of having a memorial made. It was the least I could do after taking you away from here so quickly," Carlisle said quietly. I squeezed his hand in a gesture of thanks before letting go to kneel down and place the bouquet at the grave of my son.

The inscription was simple:

_Beloved son  
Edward Thomas Barstow  
Born: June 11, 1921  
Died: June 17, 1921  
Forever in your mother's heart_

It was the perfect remembrance. I reached out and touched the stone before resting my hands on the ground and quietly speaking. I knew he would hear me.

"I'm sorry that I haven't come back to visit you sooner, Edward. I'm sorry that I had to leave you at all, but when you left me I couldn't face a life without you. You made me so happy and I loved you so much. I wish I had gotten more time with you to show you just how much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I remember your eyes and your hands and the little noises you made. Your smile lit up my life. I wanted so much for you, and I was going to make sure you had the moon.

"I miss you. I'm happy now, but I miss you. I'm re-married to a man that I wish would have been your daddy. He's a good man that loves me and takes care of me and makes me happy in a way that only you ever did. He gave me life after I lost mine with you.

"I won't ever be able to visit you as much as I should or would like to, my darling baby boy. I have a few things from your short time with me like your blanket and your bear. I can still smell you on them. I won't forget you. No matter how long I'm on this earth I will never forget you.

"I love you, Edward, and I hope you are in a better place. I promise you that I will never pass by this place without stopping to see you, but you will always be with me in my heart."

I was out of words, but I was not out of cries. I wept until I couldn't weep anymore. Carlisle stood close by for support, but also let me be. He knew there was only so much he could do, and I had to release the emotions that I had not let out while I was waiting six years for this moment. When the sobs had nearly subsided, he knelt down and wrapped his arms around me. He knew it was now time for comforting. He knew me so well.

"Thank you," I finally choked out.

"That's not necessary, love," he said soothingly. "Thank you for letting me share this moment with you."

"I needed you here," I confirmed.

"I know."

We sat there for another twenty minutes before I finally pulled myself together. I leaned down and kissed the ground. "I love you, Edward." I looked up toward the sky that I shared with my other son. "Watch over my other, Edward, because I love him, too."

I heard the air catch in Carlisle's throat behind me. I grasped his hand that was at my stomach. I slowly got to my feet and turned away. I met my husband's eyes and saw that he felt my pain – all of it.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that out loud," I said taking his cheeks in my palms.

"No, it was…perfect. Thank you for asking for his protection."

I nodded and clenched his hand as we began our journey back to the car. We didn't make it far. There was recent plot that I had ignored before on my singular mission. I glanced at the headstone and froze when I saw "Ida Mason."

I had told Carlisle about what I remembered of Ida during my time here. He recognized the name. She had just passed in March.

He let go of my hand and returned a moment later with a bloom from the bouquet I had laid at Edward's grave. He slipped into my hand. I knelt down once more to say a silent goodbye to my friend and placed the flower on the ground.

She was fading from my memory, but I knew what she had done for me.

I walked away with Carlisle holding me against him. I didn't look anywhere but straight ahead on our journey back to the car. No, I could never live again in the town where pain remained. The only good thing that survived it was forever by my side.

* * *

_May 1928  
Chicago_

I had never been to a city as large as Chicago. Columbus, Milwaukee and Minneapolis were all major cities, but there was something more to Chicago. It felt older, more populated and vast. It would be easy to get lost here – to disappear.

"That's it," Carlisle said with a gesture to the stately brownstone on the left. There were no signs of life beyond its windows on an otherwise occupied residential street. He pulled up to the curb, and turned off the engine. I didn't move. I just stared up at the house that once was a home to a lawyer, his wife, and their son.

"Esme?" he asked gently. "We could come back later if you like."

"What would later do? It won't change anything," I said as I opened the door, and stepped out onto the sidewalk. Carlisle got out and came around to my side to take my arm.

The evening twilight cast long shadows as we crossed the short distance up the stairs to the front door. Carlisle unlocked the door and ushered me inside. It closed, and the noise of outside faded away. No one had been in there in a while. A layer of dust covered everything.

"Someone's supposed to be coming in to check on the place and clean it every month. I'll have to contact the Masen family attorney to report that the upkeep has not been kept up."

I could smell Edward in the air, but it was different than what I was use to – what I remembered. In the dim early evening light that seeped in around the heavy drapes I could see that the furniture was covered. Most of it hadn't been used in a decade. My eyes passed over the parlor to my left, then down the dark hallway and up the stairs.

Part of me wanted to explore every inch of that house to learn more about the boy who grew up in it. The other part of me felt like I would be desecrating the place by touching anything.

"Esme?" Carlisle questioned. I was sure my frozen state was making him uneasy. He rubbed his palm over my arm. "Edward wouldn't mind us being here. He knew we would have to come here at some point."

"But it's his house," I whispered. I had the strangest feeling.

"And isn't your home his home? It goes both ways, love."

"It feels haunted…by memories."

He chuckled, but there was a slight bitterness in the laugh. "Do you want me stay with you and ward off any ghosts?"

I shook my head. "Attend to what you need to take care of."

He kissed my forehead and said, "His room is the second door at the top of the stairs." I nodded and began ascending the staircase. After a moment's hesitation, he followed me.

I found myself at his door, once again pausing and wondering what I would find behind it. I slid my fingers around the knob, turned it and pushed the door open. I was instantly met with his scent – diluted, but still him. I instinctively took a deep breath filling my lungs with its familiar fragrance.

"His scent changed when he became a vampire. His human scent was still there, but to me his scent was more powerful and more distinct," Carlisle spoke quietly.

I stepped forward, and in the dim light took in the boy's room. On the beige walls I saw a Chicago Cubs pennant and a purple one that proclaimed Northwestern. A Great War recruitment poster hung near a desk with books stacked on it. A full bookcase sat next to the desk. A navy blue comforter covered the bed. On top of the tall dresser sat a few framed photographs. Everything was preserved under a layer of dust, waiting for a teenage boy to come home, but that boy would never return. He was dead and his room was a time capsule.

I took the few steps toward the dresser to see the pictures. Several cufflinks were scattered among the frames, along with a comb, a tin of pomade, two ties, a glass marble, and a baseball. I picked up the picture of the young couple. I knew immediately who they were, but I questioned Carlisle. "Edward, Sr. and Elizabeth?"

"Edward said it was taken at the time of their engagement in 1897."

"They were so young," I said in awe.

"He was twenty-three and she was eighteen."

"He resembles his father more than his mother, but there's something of his mother in him."

"You can't tell here of course, but he had his mother's eyes and her hair color."

"It's the shape of her eyes too. She was beautiful."

"She was," Carlisle agreed.

The question that entered my mind surprised me, but I heard myself asking it. "Why didn't you save her?"

He sounded astounded as he replied, "It never crossed my mind. I had never changed anyone at that time and there she was begging me to save her child. There were so many things that went through my mind that day. She had already lost her husband. She never asked for her own life. She only wanted one thing and that was to save her son."

"But she was so lovely and she knew your secret," I maintained.

"She knew I was something different, but I had never allowed myself to change anyone before. I couldn't give myself permission to do it. She consented to give me her son. She begged me to save him, not her." He sounded apprehensive.

"But she was at that point a widow," I insisted. _It would have been so easy for him to have gained the family he had wanted all at once._

"I wasn't attracted to her, Esme," he insisted. He sounded appalled at my inference. "I wasn't thinking of her in that way, and I'm sure she wanted to go onto her next life to her husband. Edward was so young. She knew he had so much more life to live. She wanted his survival. She wasn't looking for her own."

"Neither was I, but I'm happy that you saw fit to ignore my need for my own destruction."

"Esme…" He didn't know what else to say.

I picked up the other photograph, and I gasped. There were four young people in it. Two couples. They were in formal attire. On the right side of the photograph with a pretty girl on his arm was a tall, young man – a boy – a human – there stood Edward Masen.

"He doesn't remember much," Carlisle said impassively. "He said he thinks it was at a dance. That was one of his good friends, Bill. He was killed in the war. The girl with Bill is Mary. The girl with Edward is named Emily."

"Was she his girl?"

"He doesn't remember much about her. He knows he cared about her, but he thinks it was more of a friendship."

He was so young. He was good looking, but not as defined in his good looks as he was when I last saw him. There was a slight gangly awkwardness in his appearance. He filled out a bit more after this was taken or after he was changed.

I walked over toward the bookshelf. There was an ample selection including works by Zane Grey, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Charles Dickens, and a volume of Shakespeare. _A Princess of Mars_ and _Riders of the Purple Sage_ sat on his desk along with several text books and notebooks.

Carlisle spoke, "He had just started his senior year. His father was already ill. He managed to make it through his first week of classes before taking to his bed. His father died a few days later. That's when Elizabeth and Edward were taken to the hospital by their neighbors."

I looked around the room and saw not a young man, but for the first time a boy. I felt the ghost again or maybe I only knew the ghost.

I felt the dust in the air tainted with his human scent in my lungs. I backed out of the room. I was too overwhelmed. I leaned against the wall in the hallway feeling like it was keeping me from falling over.

"Esme! Esme!" Carlisle's hands ran over my cheeks. I could hear how worried he was in his voice.

"I need to get out of here," I croaked.

Not another question was asked as he lifted me into his arms and fled down the stairs.

I had been curled up against Carlisle for almost an hour. He had rushed me out of the Masen house and into the car. He kept calling my name, but I was numb, and kept waving him off. He held me against him as we checked into The Palmer House.

I heard the front desk clerk ask about me. Carlisle just said that his wife wasn't feeling very well. When the clerk asked if he should send for a doctor, Carlisle told him he was a doctor. I could sense his impatience, and his concerned eyes as we rode the elevator. He tipped the bellman, and practically kicked him out the door before hanging the Do Not Disturb sign and locking the door.

I was completely unhelpful as he removed my hat and my bobbed wig. He pulled my dress up and over my head, and sat me down to take off my shoes. He took off his own shoes and jacket before sitting on the bed and pulling me toward him. I curled up against him, pressing my cheek against his chest. His fingers were slowly picking out the pins, undoing the pin curls in my hair. He was patiently waiting for me to return to him.

"Could you have saved my son?" I asked so quietly that it would never had been audible to human years.

"Not from what you have described to me – the infection and its quick onset; the doctor indicating that it was probable that he was born with it – there was nothing that could have been done to save him." He paused before guardedly adding, "And if you are speaking of saving him in the way I saved Edward Masen that would have never been an option."

"That wasn't what I was asking. An eternal, blood-sucking infant would be cruel," I said sullenly.

"Yes, it would be."

My thoughts turned to our Edward. "He was so young," I muttered.

"I would have never done it."

"Edward Masen," I clarified.

His hands paused in my hair, gripping the strands in his fingers. No air moved through his chest. I turned my face further into his chest, and brought my limp hand to life to smooth over his shirt before grasping the fabric. I was hoping his concern over my comatose state wasn't turning to loathing.

"He was seventeen. He was a young man and his life was about to be cut dramatically short," Carlisle reasoned.

"Eternity." It was forever. Could young be too young?

"I don't regret it, Esme and I won't," he insisted.

"He wasn't even done with high school," I cried.

"You've known this for a long time."

"I've also only seen him in this existence." And I truly saw where he was in his life and what he literally left behind.

"And you've never had doubts about his age in this life."

"He left his homework on his desk."

"His life was ending. No matter my decision, his homework was never going to be completed." He sighed deeply, reigning in his frustration with me. "I'm a selfish creature, Esme. I will never regret changing Edward. He gave me the companionship I longed for. For all the struggles of our relationship, I have never been happier in this life than I have been over the last decade. I also know that if Elizabeth Masen hadn't encouraged me to change Edward, if I hadn't brought him into this second life, I would have never had the strength to change you. Edward would have stumbled out of my life even sooner without you to make him stay as long as he did, and when he did I would have been completely alone again."

I wasn't appeased. "You and Elizabeth made the choice for him."

"And if I could do it all over again I would make the same choice." We were at an impasse.

"He would be twenty-seven today."

"He would be in the ground today," he said emphatically.

I knew he was right, but I let my mind wander.

"But what if he hadn't been plagued with illness? The boy would have become a man. Maybe a lawyer like his father. A beautiful wife, maybe the girl in the picture, and a couple of children running around his house."

"That was never his fate, Esme." I could hear his sadness mixed with weariness, but I pressed on. I was beyond reason.

"I would be thirty-three. Growing up I always thought I would have a half a dozen children by my early thirties."

"That wasn't your fate either. My love, the things that happened to both of you…I love you both so much that I wish your human lives had gone differently. I wish Edward was exactly as you described, happily married with a career, a wife and children. I wish that 16 year old girl had married the man of her dreams-"

"That came true," I interjected.

He clarified, "A human man, who adored you, and gave you your half dozen children, and kept you happy and safe. I would give you both up for you to have had lives you deserved, but I can't change what is and this life is too long to live with regret, especially when I have you in my arms."

He had humbled me. I slid my hand over his arm. "I'm sorry. I don't mean …I don't know what I mean. It's just been so much. Visiting Edward's grave and then seeing our Edward's room frozen in time, and seeing he's never been mine."

"What do you mean?" I had confused him and worried him, but I knew his arms would always take me in. So many doubts, but maybe it was this one, this realization, that touched me more than his youth.

"I'm not his mother. I don't know how I could ever delude myself into thinking he was a son to me. Elizabeth Masen loved him so much that she tossed him into your arms. She let him go instead of taking him with her to heaven, and I can't be that. I can't let him go."

"Esme, his mother made the decision when he couldn't. He was of sound mind when he decided to leave us, but don't think that he left you because he didn't love you."

"I was trying to play a role that wasn't rightfully mine. I'm not meant to be a mother," I miserably asserted.

"Stop it." he wrapped his arms around me practically crushing me against him. He was fiercely trying to get through to me. "Stop torturing yourself. This is the cruelty of our existence. This is the one thing I would give anything to change. My love, do you have any idea what I would go through to give this to you if there was any way I could? It tortures me too, even more so since he left. The thought of you growing round with our child, of having a little girl with your caramel hair or a little boy with your hazel eyes. The thought of you embracing motherhood as you raised our children, I may not say it, but it doesn't mean I wouldn't want it." I could hear his anguish. "I can give you anything your heart desires, but it breaks my heart that I can't give you the one thing you want the most – the thing you so richly deserve. Don't doubt for a moment that you weren't meant to be a mother. Edward needed you in that role more often than not. If you are concerned for his youth, well yes, the one thing he still needed in this life was a little parental guidance and he was happy to have you in a motherly role."

"Our son would have your eyes," I whispered.

"And his mother's heart," he said soothingly with a kiss on my forehead.

"I would never give you up," I promised. I needed him then and always. "You are the love I waited my whole life for, but for all the possibilities that we have laid out before us, there are some that can never be. The reminders of the children I've lost has just been too much and the harsh reality that there will be no more sons or daughters to call my own…our own…it hurts so deeply, Carlisle."

He brought his lips to the top of my head and softly said, "I know, my love."

I felt the weight of my body and my mind. "I'm so weary. I wish I could sleep and everything would be better when I woke up in the morning."

"I can't do anything to make you sleep, but I'll be here to hold you and chase any nightmares away."

"You always have," I said as a flash of a long ago dream of the man beside me and a child that was just a figment of my imagination ran through my mind.

He pulled me onto his lap and held me through the night. He comforted me when the sobs took over, and whispered words of love when I just curled into him in silence. I needed to let it out, and he was being my strength.

By the time the light started to peak around the curtain, I was cried out. I was lying on my side facing toward the window. He laid right beside me, and still held me to him. I turned over to face him. His eyes met mine, and I could see his worry, but also how he was being strong for me.

I touched his cheek. He closed his eyes as he pressed his cheek into my palm. He turned his head to kiss it before returning his gaze to me. I spoke.

"I love you so much. I'm sorry that I'm grieving what's gone, and not celebrating what is. Our life is going in a new direction…a new beginning. I have you and you have me. It's a new dawn. Thank you for letting me grieve. I can't promise that I won't feel moments of melancholy, but I'm going to do my best to make you happy."

"You already make me so happy." He gave me a weak smile. "My love, you're allowed to be upset and get angry with me and question me. I'd rather you do that than bottle it all up inside. We only have each other now, but no matter what happens we'll always have that."

"We're on our own," I said, giving finality to the statement.

"We are," he said as he sat up. "So here's what I propose. I don't want to upset you anymore so how about I head back over to the house to meet the freight company. When I come back we can do whatever you want to do."

"I want to go with you." I didn't want to be alone, and I hadn't finished my exploration.

"Do you think that is wise?"

"I wasn't finished looking around. I want to see more photographs."

"Esme…" he said warily.

"I'll be alright. I'm cried out," I eagerly insisted as I pleaded with my eyes.

He sighed as he stood up and said, "Get dressed."

He couldn't say no to me.

* * *

It was brighter in the Masen house that morning, and it gave it a different feeling than the ghostly glow did the evening before. I let the demons win that night, but in the light of day I put my mind in a different space.

I wondered how many times a little boy went up and down the staircase as I walked up it. Maybe he slid down on the banister once or twice.

I poked my head into Edward, Sr. and Elizabeth's bedroom – I touched the bed that Edward most likely came into this world in, and was certainly created in. I moved dust covers aside that covered the book cases in Edward, Sr.'s office to admire his library. I lifted covers all over the house to find their wedding portrait, a baby portrait, and several family portraits with Edward at different ages. He was a beautiful child, and even with such serious looks I could see a sparkle in his and his mother's eyes. At the piano I found a photograph of just Elizabeth and Edward when he was probably ten or eleven and they were smiling…happy. I knew her then. The sparkle in her eyes made her an acquaintance. The happiness on her face made her my friend. I may never have known Elizabeth Masen, but her selflessness gave me the greatest gifts and she would always have a special place in my heart.

After taking a small souvenir from Edward's room, I found Carlisle in the guest room, which, with Edward's blessing, had become his storage space. He had already moved quite a few things, which, from the looks of the containers, appeared to be works of art.

"I'm surprised you have so much," I said as I stepped into the room that still had a lot in it.

"I've collected much over the year. It's mostly artwork and books that I've held onto."

"You had an awful lot of books already with us," I said with a chuckle.

"That was only about a quarter of my collection. The rest are in these crates," he said gesturing to the stack that went to the ceiling.

"Are you bringing them all?" I asked with surprise.

"If you don't mind?" he questioned.

"As long as they don't completely distract you from me," I teased.

In a flash he had his arms around me. "There's no book that's good enough to distract me from you."

I laughed and turned my head to the side as he nuzzled my cheek. A different shape case within arm's length caught my attention.

"What is this?" I asked curiously.

I could see slight embarrassment on his face. "It's nothing."

I gave him a reproachful look before slipping out of his arms to investigate. He didn't stop me. I opened the clasp of the case and opened it. I smiled.

"You've been keeping a secret from me, Dr. Cullen."

"The instrument's quality far outweighs the owner's musical talents," Carlisle confessed, but I didn't believe him.

"It's been sitting here so long that I'm sure the quality may have waned."

"It's a Stradivarius. Even if it needs to be restrung I promise the quality hasn't waned."

"You play the violin and you own a Stradivarius." I closed the case and picked it up. "This is going with us."

"I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. I received it as a gift when I was in Italy."

"I'm sure I won't be, and I'm not taking no for an answer. When we arrive at our new home I'm expecting a concert."

"Yes, my love."

I smiled to myself as I walked down the stairs with the case in my hand. There were still things I didn't know about my blonde god. So many years of history left so much untold. I loved surprises, like that violin case, which lead to something new tidbit about Carlisle. Now with only each other to focus on, in between my studies and his work, there were more opportunities for discovery. As I looked around the foyer once more I knew the crates would lead to more stories. The possibilities for us were nearly limitless. Yes, there would be moments when I would wallow in sadness. I knew I couldn't escape it, but I was going to make every attempt to focus my energies on my husband, my education, our love and our home.

* * *

**This was a very emotional chapter to write. I had tissues in my hands on several occasions. Please let me know your thoughts by reviewing.**

**Thank you as always to my betas, Melissa, Ali and Heather!**

"**Miracles and Mischief" is now a multi-chapter fic! The first two new chapters are up. **

**Do you have a question for Esme? She's on tumblr now and answering your questions! AskEsmeCullen on tumblr. The link is also on my profile page.**


	20. On Our Own

**Author's note: The section, Late November 1928, is very lemony. Thanks for your patience! **

* * *

_September 1928_

I had never seen the ocean before. The Great Lakes were impressive in their vastness, but there was something truly remarkable about knowing that if I dove in and swam straight I wouldn't touch land again until Portugal. Portugal seemed so exotic compared to the shore of Atlantic City, New Jersey. We were celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary with a long weekend on the New Jersey coast. My present this year was the ocean.

It had been a busy summer. When we had arrived in Philadelphia we soon realized that Carlisle's home was a bit further from campus than we would have liked. I started on my project of restoring that home while he began work and looking for a home on the same side of the Schuylkill River. We settled on a home in the Spruce Hill section, just a few blocks from the edge of campus.

I began classes a month ago on the student side and Carlisle began classes on the teaching side. I was enjoying my studies, but it was adjustment to return to school. I was taking required courses at the moment. I had wanted to study architecture, but the program didn't accept women as candidates for degree. I was debating between landscape architecture, because although they would let me design gardens I couldn't design buildings, or fine arts.

I wasn't focusing on class at the moment, though. I was focusing on the feeling of the cool sand between my toes and the hands slipping around my waist as I stared out into darkness. I leaned back against my husband, watching the water shimmer with the reflection of the lights from the boardwalk behind us.

"Are you ready to go dancing yet?" he said gently against my ear.

"Almost," I said as I rested my hands on the pair holding me to him. "I wish I could see it with the sun shining on it."

"You will in the morning from our room. We have an ocean view."

"I wish I could stand here with feet in the sand and let the sunlight wash over me as I looked out over the glistening ocean," I clarified.

"I'm sorry that it won't be possible," he said with remorse as he placed a light kiss below my ear.

I didn't want him to feel any guilt for my wish, so I said wistfully, "I'll just have to watch the sunrise from our bed."

His arms locked more securely around my body and his lips relocated to my neck. "Are you sure you want to go dancing?"

"Yes, sir. I didn't come all the way to Atlantic City to spend every night in bed," I said as I turned around still captured in his arms to face him. I gave him a mischievous grin. "That's what days in Atlantic City are for."

"I'm looking forward to sunrise, then," he said with a smirk.

"But first we dance!" I said as I wiggled free from his grasp, picked up my shoes and started making my way toward the stairs back up to boardwalk.

"Is there a time limit on dancing?" he asked.

"Until my feet hurt too much to dance anymore?" I teased as I balanced on the bottom step and slipped my shoes back on.

"You would win any dance marathon so I don't think that's a good deadline."

"Oh fine, how about 4 AM? That gives us plenty of time to get back to the hotel so we can watch the sunrise."

"From bed?" he asked hopefully.

I grabbed the front of his jacket and pulled him toward me so I could touch my lips to his then confirmed, "From bed."

I grabbed his hand and led him up the stairs onto the wooden promenade and headed for the direction of the brightly lit pier with the dance hall.

* * *

"Admit it, Carlisle. You had a good time." I said as we leisurely strolled along the boardwalk toward the Traymore Hotel a little before 4 AM. There were a few people like us meandering along, also heading to wherever they rest their head after a long night.

"I had a lovely time with you as my dance partner. You make me look good."

"Hardly. You have so much grace."

"The Charleston doesn't require much grace, Esme," he said doubtfully.

"But you make it look like it does, and your tango and waltz are fantastic."

"You flatter me."

"Only because you deserve it."

He stopped and looked at me. "I'm only a dull reflection of my partner."

I started to protest against his dullness, but I became distracted by the sound of a slap and the whimper of the woman at the receiving end of the blow. I moved faster than I should have as I rounded the corner onto the darkened ramp that lead down to the street. I stopped myself from grabbing the man who had her against the wall of the building next to the ramp.

"Let her go," I hissed.

He looked over at me with disdain. "Mind your own business, lady. This is between me and her."

"I suggest you do as this lady commands," Carlisle said firmly as he appeared beside me.

The woman looked at is with wide eyes full of fear and surprise.

"And what if I don't want to listen?" he said menacingly.

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take action," Carlisle declared and for the first time I heard a bit of his British accent.

The man let go of the woman who slumped to the ground. He reached his hand inside his jacket, but Carlisle was faster. Carlisle had disarmed him, pulled the man's arm behind his back and slammed him against the wall before the man could even begin to grasp what had happened to him.

"Not a good idea, my friend," Carlisle snarled into the man's ear who whimpered in pain, fear or a combination of both. "Now, you are never to lay a finger on this woman or any other woman ever again because if you do, I will know and I will find you. You will rue the day you were ever born if you ever strike a woman ever again. Do you understand?"

The man mumbled, but Carlisle wasn't taking that for an answer.

"I can't hear you when you mumble. I said do you understand?"

"Yes, sir. I understand. I ain't going to touch any woman ever again. I swear it."

"Good," Carlisle said as he released the man with a shove so he stumbled a bit on the ramp. "Now get out of here."

The man didn't look back as he took off running into the night.

The woman's mouth was agape as my husband bent down over her. "I'm a doctor, miss," he said calmly.

"Really?" she said with an Italian accent. "I thought you were an angel." She tried to stand up.

"Please, don't move. I want to make sure you're not injured," he requested, but she ignored him.

"I'm alright, thanks to you and your lady. I'm sure I'll have a shiner, but it could have been worse if it wasn't for you. Thank you."

"He didn't hurt you anywhere else?"

"No," she said with a shrug. "I should have been paying more attention. He had been making the moves on me all night. I just got off my shift at Babette's. He must have followed me."

"You should go to the hospital. You should report him to the police."

"Why? He roughed me up a little, but I'm okay, and thanks to you,sir, I mean doctor, I doubt he'll ever place a toe in Babette's ever again, and if he ever does, well, I have friends there that will take care of him," she said reassuring herself and Carlisle.

"Are you sure you are alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Let me hail you a taxi then to get you home."

"That's really not necessary."

"I'm not letting you wander off alone just in case the scoundrel is still around," Carlisle affirmed and she was helpless to say no.

We walked down to the street and after a few minutes we were able to wave a taxi down. Carlisle paid the driver to take her home and to make sure she got into her building.

"I didn't even catch your names, my saviors," the woman said as she grimaced into the car. She may have been feeling adrenaline before, but the pain was starting to settle in.

"Esme and Carlisle Cullen," I said quietly.

She reached forward and took my hand. "He's a keeper, but thank you for stepping in, too. I'm Isabella. Come see me at Babette's anytime and let me repay your hospitality."

"We're only here for a few days."

"Then you must make them count. Come see me."

"We'll do our best," I said patting her hand. "Get some rest."

"You too and go get warm. Your hands are freezing, Mrs. Cullen."

The door closed and the taxi sped away into the night leaving me gripping my husband's hand beside me.

* * *

"It's beautiful," I said as I jumped out of bed less than two hours later to make my way to the open curtains.

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and how can I view the sunrise past your beauty?" Carlisle drew lazily from the sheets.

"Somewhere the same sun is shining brightly over Europe while the same sun is just coming over the horizon to start our day. That is beauty."

I glanced over my shoulder. He hadn't moved from where he was reclining against the headboard. "You're right, love. That is a beautiful sentiment, but again, not as beautiful as the glistening lady before me."

I looked down at my bare skin and was awed by the prisms of light I cast in every direction.

"You're sparking like a diamond. Anyone out at sea is going to think the Traymore installed a lighthouse beacon," Carlisle teased.

I gave him a reproachful look and he responded by lifting the sheet up to welcome me back. I sauntered toward him and climbed back into the bed. I let him douse the light on my body with the sheet as I straddled his thighs. I leaned forward and pressed my cheek against his shoulder with my face turned so I could see the light filling the sky. He pulled the sheet up over my shoulders and ruffled my hair with his free hand.

"Do you want to talk now?" he asked quietly.

When we returned to our room I didn't want to talk and distracted him from any discussion with a nudge up against the wall as soon as the hotel room door closed, and the vanquishing of his apparel. Naked and mine, he wasn't resisting me. There was always time to talk later.

"Thank you for stepping in for Isabella," I whispered.

"I would have stepped in without you putting yourself in harm's way," he said with a slight harshness in his tone.

"I was never in any danger," I corrected him.

"He didn't know that. While you are imposing and threatening to me because I know your strength, I'm sure he just saw you as a weak woman," he sounded worried.

"But I'm not a weak woman. I'm imposing and threatening," I said as I ran my teeth over his shoulder.

"If I had caused him bodily harm-"

I interrupted, "I hope you did when you bashed him against the wall."

"_When _I caused him bodily harm, it was understandable because I'm a man-"

I cut him off again. "But if I had thrown him up against the wall it would have raised suspicions because I'm a weak little woman?"

"You're supposed to be. I know you're not. But to the outside world you should not be able to rip a human apart with your bare hands," he reasoned.

"So I should let you fight my battles?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow as I looked into his eyes.

"I always will fight for you. No matter what the situation is I will fight for you. There was an injustice happening to that woman, and I would have stepped in even if you had not. I know that situation is personal to you. For our protection, please let me fight those battles for you. Let me protect you from harm and exposure."

I could hear the pleading in his voice, but also his sincerity. It wasn't a matter that I couldn't fight my own battles and he recognized that, but he wanted to be the man protecting his woman. He also didn't want me to be caught acting out of character in a way that it shouldn't physically be possible for me to do.

"I understand, Carlisle, and I'll do my best to respect your wishes, but don't think for a moment that if you are ever in danger that I won't fight for you."

"I would expect nothing less, Mrs. Cullen," he said with a bit of relief in his tone. His hand slid down my back, the sheet falling with it. The sunlight reflected off my arm and back. His hand in my hair caressed the back of my head. "But are you alright, my love?"

"I didn't think about my experience. I just needed to protect her," I said, my voice dull. "It was instinctual. I heard her pain…I felt her pain…to my very core. I had to stop it. What would have happened to her if we hadn't intervened?" I shuddered at the thought and felt his arms tighten around me.

"But we did and she went home only slightly disheveled and with a bruised cheek. She was right when she said he won't bother her again."

"Why are men so cruel?" I asked.

"Not all men and I wish I knew. If I understood a way to cure the world of man's cruelty I would administer it universally," he said with regret in his voice.

"No, you're right, not all men. And there are more good men than bad men. Just the bad men leave bruises and scars," I said bitterly.

"I gave you scars," Carlisle said quietly.

I shook my head. "We won't have that discussion again. It's not the same and you know it," my voice rising.

"You're adorable when you're worked up," he teased as he loosened his grip around me. I pushed against his chest to sit up and looked down at his smile, the laughter hiding in the corner of his lips. The sun was shining off of him now, too.

"Where did the accent come from?" I suddenly remembered.

"I have no idea. That was strange, wasn't it?" he said with a coy smile and a shake of his head.

"Apparently the British Dr. Cullen is not to be toyed with," I taunted.

"Apparently not," he said adopting the accent of his homeland again.

"It's kind of sexy," I said. "I'm sure a woman could be easily seduced by that voice."

"Any particular woman?"

"I better always be the only one."

"There will never be another."

He flipped me over onto my back causing me let out a little shriek as he pulled the sheet up over our heads, temporarily forgetting the sun.

* * *

_October__ 1928  
Philadelphia  
_

I stormed up the front steps and into the house with Carlisle on my heels. He caught the front door before I slammed it in his face.

I threw my purse and books down on the side table and turned on him as I heard the door click behind me.

"You embarrassed me!" I yelled.

"He was coming on to you!" he yelled back.

"He's part of my study group and my group project!"

"He was walking too close," he said with a slight growl.

"He was walking me home like a gentleman," I clarified.

"What about the other women in your group? Why didn't he walk them home?" he asked heatedly.

"Because they live in the same dormitory and walked home together," I explained. "You overreacted!"

"You were both laughing."

"We were laughing about our boorish professor. Is there a law against laughing?" I couldn't believe we were having this conversation. I couldn't believe Carlisle's behavior.

"Propriety, Esme. You're a married woman," he insisted, as if I would ever need a reminder.

"Manners, Carlisle," I spat back at him. "This married woman is your wife and you are being ridiculous." I was furious.

"He was looking at you like-"

"Like what?" I yelled.

"Like he…thought highly of you."

I shook my head in disbelief. "And that's a problem if he 'thought highly of me?'"

"He was interested in you and you were letting him walk you home," Carlisle said in some attempt to justify his reaction.

"He insisted that I not walk home alone so late and how could I refuse that?"

"Why so late?" Carlisle asked, taking a different route.

I let out a big sigh over once again having to explain my actions. "We were studying as study groups do in the library. Carlisle, I'm not interested in him in anyway other than as a study partner and I guess I would consider him a friend, but I don't know if I can still count him as one after your rudeness to him."

"I thought you said as part of a group."

I had enough. "Stop this! Jealousy like this does not suit you."

"I'm not jealous," he admonished, but I wasn't believing him.

"Oh really? Then what do you call this behavior and this reaction?"

"Concern," he clarified.

"Concern? For what?" I asked dryly.

"Your reputation."

"I wasn't holding his hand. There was plenty of space in between us regardless of what you think. I wasn't intending to invite him in," I explained.

"I heard what he was saying. He was flirting with you," he insisted.

"And what if he was? I'm sure not a day goes by that a nurse, patient or a student doesn't attempt to flirt with you," I said, attempting to turn the conversation.

"That's ridiculous," he said gruffly, but I knew I was right.

"The first night I met you the nurse dropped the chart in her hand at the sound of your name!"

"That doesn't prove anything."

"It proves that I'm married to a desirable man who can't help but cause women's hearts to flutter with his fantastic looks and caring disposition." I maintained, every word true.

"You're changing the subject," he said.

"The subject of your ridiculousness? No, I promise you we are still on it!"

He scowled at me as we stared each other down. This fight was silly and unnecessary, but I had to be able to complete my studies. I knew how I looked. I knew some men would frighten away from me, sensing that there was something different about me. I knew some would see the ring on my left hand and avoid me, too. Then there would always be a few who didn't see, or chose to ignore, rings or sense the potential danger. They would flirt or be extra nice or maybe some men were just that – nice. How could he assume that I would ever give into anyone else?

"Look at me, Carlisle. Men are going to flirt with me and maybe even attempt to seduce me-" A growl ripped from his throat, but I put a hand up to silence him as I continued. "BUT, it doesn't matter. They do not matter. None of them are going to turn my head. None of them are going to succeed. The only man I have ever wanted or will ever want is you. Even when you are acting like an idiot, you are still the only one."

I could see that he was pondering my words – deconstructing them and wrapping his mind around them. His face changed to penitent.

"You are beautiful," he said as to assert my claim.

"I know," I said wryly. I walked over to pick up my books and made sure I didn't damage them in my fury. They were intact. I started for the stairs with my books in my arms.

"Esme, wait," he said reaching for my arm. I paused on the bottom step.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I was acting irrationally."

"I have homework to do. I may have to do more studying on my own if you continue to intimidate my friends."

"Esme, I said I'm sorry." I could hear the sincerity, but I wasn't ready.

"I know, and I may be ready to forgive you in a little while, but for now I do have work to do."

I continued up the stairs and across the hall into my study, closing the door behind me. I set down the books and took off my coat and hat, tossing both onto the small sofa before taking a seat at my desk. I opened a textbook to read a chapter, but soon found myself just staring at the page.

I had heard him go into his office, and there was a part of me that wanted to run to him and tell him it was fine and that I forgave him. I wasn't letting that part win me over. He had been rude to my friend. My classmate, Raymond, was a nice boy and he was nice to everyone, not just me. I had seen him as nothing but friendly, but now Carlisle had me questioning Raymond's behavior and I didn't want to do that. He had swooped in like a possessive and protective animal, marking his territory and reminding Raymond of what belonged to him. Carlisle's tone had been a bit too unduly harsh with someone who had done nothing wrong. I understood Carlisle's need and maybe if Raymond had been overtly flirting with me then I could accept his actions, but I saw Raymond's bewildered expression. He had done nothing wrong, but was made to feel criminal, and that I couldn't abide.

A sound interrupted my bewilderment – the sound of a bow running over the strings of a centuries old violin. Bringing that instrument with me from Chicago had been one of my best ideas. It opened up the door to more discussion about Carlisle's past, and it brought music that we thought had left with Edward back into our lives. He didn't play often, but when he did I felt it to the core of my being. I sat still in my seat listening. I didn't recognize the first song he played, but the second…

I was at the door knob in an instant, but I pulled my hand back from it. Was it trying to taunt with my emotions or draw me to him? Maybe the song was an act of contrition? That had to be it. Carlisle's not vicious. He was playing this song for my forgiveness.

I wandered down the stairs listening to the beloved melody and then down the hall to his office. I leaned against the open doorway watching him play. He appeared to be in his own world as he played the song that Edward had written so long ago – the same one that served as the song we first danced to as man and wife as Carlisle hummed it.

When he finished he came back to this world and met my gaze.

"Was that for him or for me?" I asked gently.

"A little bit of both."

"I didn't know you could play it."

"I've been practicing it when you've been out. I was going to surprise you with it at some point. Maybe Christmas, but I guess it's no longer a surprise."

"That was lovely. You keep giving me different ways to hear my favorite song – first with your voice and now like this."

"I still need more practice."

"It sounded perfect to me."

He set down the violin on his desk and appeared in front of me. "I didn't mean to upset you so. I never want to hurt you and I'm sorry that I embarrassed you. When is your next study group? I'll come by and apologize in person."

I chuckled and touched my hand lightly to his shoulder. "Oh no, you are not coming by. I do not need the other women in my group flirting with my husband."

"Am I forgiven?" he asked sheepishly. I couldn't stop the smile from forming on my lips.

"Play that song for me again and then, yes, you are forgiven."

"As you wish, my love."

I sat down on the leather couch. I watched and listened as he Carlisle wrapped me once again in my favorite tune. What could have filled me with sadness and longing instead filled me with happiness.

When he was finished I applauded and declared him forgiven before returning to my studies. I may have forgiven him, but there was still work to be done.

* * *

_Late November 1928_

I sat on the leather couch wearing a book in my hands and nothing else. It had been two very long weeks.

Finals were quickly approaching and a bad bought of influenza was sweeping through Philadelphia. Carlisle was putting in long hours and the hospital and that was in addition to teaching. When he came home it was usually with a pile of paperwork from charts to finish and papers to grade. With eighteen credits, I was busy with study groups and projects. We had run into a rare dry spell and I aimed to remedy that tonight.

I never had to be blatant in my overtures before. I never had to sit naked and waiting for him. It had never been difficult to get Carlisle to take me to bed or vice versa, but our hectic schedules were having a detrimental effect on our love making. When we finally had a significant amount of time together several days ago, we had to use that time to hunt. This night, he was going to be the center of my attention – that is if he ever came home.

It was nearing eleven at night when I heard him at the door. I took my position – looking engrossed in my studies without a stitch of clothing on, and waited for Dr. Cullen to help me with my homework.

"Esme?" he called out as I heard him approaching.

"I'm in your office," I called out cheerfully.

"What are you doing in h-" the word caught in his throat as he walked through the door and his eyes landed on me. He swallowed and took a deep breath before saying. "Is there something I can help you with, Mrs. Cullen?"

"I just was hoping you could help me with my studying - reviewing actually," I said plainly.

"And what are we studying?"

"Human anatomy."

"I happen to be somewhat of an expert on that subject," he said with a grin, not hiding his amusement at the situation.

"So I've heard. So you'll not worry about anything else this evening and help me study?" I asked hopefully. I saw him wince slightly. He knew we had been disregarding each other.

"Of course I will," he said.

"Good," I said as I stood up. I saw his eyes wander over my body, but I ignored it. "As you can see, I've reviewed female anatomy already. I think it's time to move on to male," I said as he took off his jacket and I reached for his tie.

"Where do you want to start?" he asked and reached to place his hand over mine.

"I thought I would start at the top and work my way down."

"Whatever you wish. This is your review," he said, not hiding his smirk.

"And it's long overdue," I said as I made quick work of all material covering his upper half before reaching my hands up to run through his golden hair. "I'll do a cursory review since I've already done a complete review on myself. I'll get more in depth when I get to an area where there are major differences. Does that suit you?"

My husband looked surprised, but not upset in anyway. "That suits me just fine."

I had him perch on the edge of his desk so I didn't have to reach quite as far to identify his skull. I touched my lips to each part as identified it. "Face…ears…neck…oral cavity…" Cursory review was right. I had already really studied earlier that day and really didn't need to study at all. I loved the feeling and the taste of his skin under his lips. I moved down over his clavicle and shoulder, running my teeth over his flesh, but never breaking the skin. I worked down his right arm over his hand, each finger and his palm. I stood him up and turned him around so I could identify and touch his spine and every muscle in his back. He was glorious from behind – so sculpted it made me heady. As I reached the "L5" vertebrae I resisted the urged to reach around and undo his pants and pull them to the floor.

I started at the palm of his left hand before heading up the back of his arm my tongue touching his elbow. When I reached his shoulder, I turned him around so he was facing me again. I could see the desire in his eyes. "You are doing very well with your review, Esme."

"Thank you," I said with a grin. "You are making it very easy for me to remember. I think I need to review your clavicle again," I said with another kiss. He chuckled lightly as he ran a hand through my hair. "Jugular notch…sternum…" More kisses as I identified each part of the sternum. "Nipple…" And more, as I took my time identifying every muscle in the pectoral region. How could I not take my time worshiping his god-like chest?

I moved down to his abdomen, licking across his stomach and navel, "umbilical." It was time for him to shed the rest of his clothing. I got completely down on my knees and pulled off each shoe and sock, before moving up to remove his belt and undo his pants. I pulled everything down in one swift motion and pushed him over to sit on the couch. He reached for my waist to pull me up onto his lap, but I pulled back and stopped him.

"That just won't do, Carlisle. You see, I'm done yet," I said, slipping in between his knees. "Now, where were we? Ah, hip," I said tracing my fingertips over his hips. "And thighs," I added as I leaned over and kissed his thigh, my loose hair falling over his erection. His hands returned to my hair as I kissed up his thigh getting closer to the target. I was trying not to think too hard anymore and just do. His hand caught in my hair and the other tucked under my chin pulling my gaze up at him.

He looked alarmed, but also very aroused. "Esme?" he questioned.

"I want to. You know I would never do anything I wouldn't want to do."

"But you don't have to."

"Are you saying you don't want me to?" I questioned.

He swallowed and I could see the burning in his eyes. He wanted me to, but also wanted to say the right thing. "My love, I can't deny that I want you to, I just don't want to upset you."

"I'm not upset. I want to. I love you."

"I know, Esme. You never have to do anything for me to know that."

"I want to," I reaffirmed.

"I'm not going to stop you, but you can always stop."

I nodded and kissed his thigh again. I slowly moved in, running my tongue over his "scrotum," I whispered. The flavor of his skin was still him, but the effect on him was something different. He buckled for a moment, his knees turned inward toward me and he let out a noise that I had never heard from him before. I paused, but his hand fell to my shoulder.

"That was a good noise, Esme. I assure you," he said anxiously.

My fingers touched right next to my tongue at the base of his erection and he let out a strangled moan again. I couldn't help, but grin. I liked this reaction from him.

I ran my fingers along the bottom from base to tip as I nuzzled the hair right above it with my nose. I had wanted to try this for a while, but I hadn't known how to approach the subject or him. A private anatomy tutorial definitely had been one of my better ideas.

I held his length in my hand – feeling the weight, the size, and the hardness. I glanced up at his face and he looked ready to explode.

I bit my lip, and with a brash look asked, "Should I review the structure of the penis?"

"Esme Cullen, you're going to kill me."

"Luckily that's not an option," I said and then ran my tongue along the path my fingers had just taken. I believe he growled the entire time – one long guttural growl. My tongue touched the tip and I didn't find it offensive. The wetness tasted similar to the venom in his mouth, and that was something I craved. I licked more and introduced the tip to the inside of my mouth. I could do this.

I looked up at him again and his pleading eyes were popping out of his head. I had seen him worked up before at my touch, but never quite like this. My eyes left his beautiful face and wandered down his gorgeous body that adored. He had given me so much pleasure and I knew I had given him much in return – this was a boundary I hadn't been ready to cross for a long time, but it was time.

I took more of him into my mouth. I didn't have to worry about gagging as those muscles wouldn't react that way anymore. I slowly slid further, taking my time, until my nose was one again at the soft curls. Even if I looked up, I wouldn't be able to see his face at this angle, but I heard something akin to a whimper. I slid off, and then repeated slowly picking up speed as I was getting faster, his cries were getting louder – my name and nicknames was interspersed with groans. I heard something crack, but didn't look up to see what he had been holding on to. His hands weren't on me.

Finally his hand did touch me on the back of my neck. He could barely form a cohesive sentence – "Esme! I'm going to…I can't hold back…stop, please…I don't want to…Esme…"

I could tell by the contractions what he was trying to tell me, but I wasn't stopping. I pulled back and gave him a look telling him as much before continuing to finish what I had willingly started. A moment later he released with a guttural cry like nothing I had ever heard from him before. Our neighbors…heck people several streets over must have heard him. I swallowed, and, as I had tasted before, it was venom. It wasn't vile at all and if it got that kind of reaction from him it was something I definitely would do again.

When he was done he collapsed back against the cushion of the couch. I slowly released him from my mouth and licked him one last time as I did. I leaned over and kissed the inside of his thigh as he had so often done to mine when he finished pleasuring me. I then rested my cheek against his thigh.

As I sat there, I could feel the wetness running down my own thighs. I realized how much I wanted his touch. I had been giving every attention to him as I had desired to do, but I had been ignoring my own desire in the process. Luckily, he wasn't going to let that stand. He moved at a speed that would have been a blur to humans as he picked me up as if I were as light as feather. An instant later my back was flat against the leather of the couch.

He looked down at me with raging lust in eyes and I was very content being the object of his desire.

"I haven't completed my studies," I protested with a wicked grin.

He rolled his eyes at me before lifting my right leg into the air and ran his hands from my thigh to my foot while saying, "Thigh, knee, calf, ankle, foot, toes, done."

He then leaned over me ferociously capturing my lips, pressing his body against mine. He was aggressive in his hunger for me, which was not something I was use to as of late. With the exception of the first year – or two – of our marriage and times when we had built up desire, our time together was usually gentle and loving. We had so much time to ourselves since we were living on our own that there was usually no need for pent up desires. We had our privacy and we usually had time. This was more than just two weeks of abstinence – this was something I had awakened.

His mouth was everywhere. His hands kneaded my flesh. He buried his length inside of me and we both cried out. I met every thrust as he slid in and out of me like a man possessed. His hands slipped from my breasts and I mewed at their loss, but his arms slipped underneath me to lift me up onto him as he continued to plunge into me. From this position, he could move his mouth to where his hands had been as he took a swollen nipple between his teeth. I felt my muscles tightening, clenching around him. I was yelling his name, as my body went over its edge, releasing the built up pressure and as I did, I did something that surprised me – I leaned into his shoulder and I bit him. He gasped at my teeth, but it also set him off as I felt him stiffen and then release inside of me.

I tried to get off of him – to flee, but he held onto me.

"Where are you trying to go?" he murmured, his lips against my temple.

"I'm so sorry," I said with a whimper, my head hanging low.

"There is nothing you need to apologize for," he said calmly, his face had moved to my hair.

"I bit you!" I argued.

"I bit you!" he protested with gaiety in his voice. "A lot!" he added, his lips now at the mark on my throat – he kissed it gently.

"That's not the same," I grumbled.

"Esme," he said, as he took my cheeks between his palms and raised my head to look at him. "I'm not mad."

"You should be! I hurt you."

"In a moment of passion you sunk your teeth into me. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt."

"But it won't go away."

"So I have a visible sign of my wife marking her territory – marking me as her own. That's a scar I'll proudly display, but the fact is that it will usually be covered since it's on my shoulder. You didn't bite that hard," he said reassuringly.

My eyes looked over at the mark. "I broke the skin. Did it hurt?"

"When you did it?"

I nodded and touched the spot with a finger.

"I was more surprised than anything, but it did sting."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not," he said as he turned his head to look over at the scar. "It is a statement piece. It says 'Property of Esme.' I'm not angry or hurt in any way, my love. Please, don't be upset. I've been enjoying myself way too much tonight and I'm not ready for it to end, especially with you distraught."

I kissed the spot where my teeth marks were eternally marring his flesh. "I love you," I said against his skin.

"And I love you," he said as I sat up, my legs still astride his as we were still connected.

"I've been enjoying myself, too," I said touching his cheek.

"Everything?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Everything," I confirmed. "Especially your response. I'm not going to be able to make eye contact with our neighbors."

"I was a little loud, wasn't I?"

I giggled. "To put it mildly."

"You are incredible, Mrs. Cullen."

"So I've been told by a Dr. Cullen," I said with a laugh.

His hands slid up and down my sides. "Do you have more studying to do?"

"It can wait."

"Do you feel properly prepared for the human anatomy portion of your exam?"

"It was on my mid-term," I said with a smirk. "But I'd be happy to review it again."

I saw the amusement in his eyes. "And I would be happy to help you."

"Then let's get to it," I said as I pressed my lips to his.

* * *

_December 25, 1928_

The fire burned in the fireplace as I sat on the sofa with a book on my lap. The house was so quiet and I was feeling particularly lonely.

I loved Christmas. It was usually a day of warmth, family and happiness, but for the first time ever I was spending it alone.

Carlisle always took the Christmas morning shift so that his colleagues with children could be home when they awoke to discover what Santa had left them. It was very kind of him and it was usually fine because Edward and I would make ourselves merry while he was at work. We would sing carols or play some ridiculous game or find some other way to amuse us until Carlisle arrived home. Then when we were all together we would exchange presents.

Last year was our first Christmas without Edward. While it was difficult, we were in Denali so there were others around to keep my thoughts occupied.

I walked over to the front window and looked out to the street. I could hear the church bells from St. Mary's in the distance. I watched the people passing by – mostly happy families. Our neighbors, the Orf's, appeared to be heading home as they passed by. Their little girl, Ruby, looked over and caught my eye. She smiled and waved at me. I couldn't help but smile and wave back. She opened her mouth and yelled, "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Cullen!"

Her parents and her two siblings were surprised by her outburst, but then they saw me, too, and waved. Mrs. Orf, Margaret, waved her family on and headed for our front door. I met her there just as she knocked.

"Merry Christmas, Esme," she said cheerfully as I opened the door.

"Merry Christmas, Margaret," I greeted her. "Would you like to come in out of the cold?"

"Just for a moment," she said stepping in as I closed the door behind her. "Is Dr. Cullen here?"

"No, he's working this morning."

"So you are all alone? On Christmas?" she asked with sadness for me.

"It's fine. He'll be home in a few hours."

"You shouldn't be home alone. Please, come over for lunch. Ruby is fascinated by you. I'm sure she would love to show you her presents."

"She is? Why?" I asked, very surprised by this bit of news.

"I shouldn't have told you that," she said regretfully.

"But you did, so I have to ask again, why?"

"She says you like the princesses in her storybook. She thinks you're a fairy tale character and that you are magical."

I couldn't help, but laugh. "That is adorable and very sweet."

"I don't know where she gets these ideas."

"She gets them from her imagination."

"I figured as much," she said with a chuckle. "But will you come over? We would love to have you."

"Thank you so much for the invite, Margaret, but I should start cooking soon."

"You and Dr. Cullen would be welcome for supper as well," she said with an urging smile. "We have other family coming over later. There will be plenty of food."

"We wouldn't want to intrude…"

"You wouldn't be," she insisted.

"Let me see how my husband is feeling when he gets home. He's working a double shift."

"God bless him."

"I don't want him to come home to an empty house."

"Well, when he comes home, please feel free to come over any time."

"That's very kind of you."

"You're welcome, Esme," she said giving me a hug. "You need to get back to that fire. You're freezing," she said with alarm.

I smile and laughed. "I'm one of those people who is always cold. I'm fine. Really."

"Merry Christmas and I hope to see you later," she said as she opened the door.

"There's a strong possibility that you will," I said, then we wished each other good day.

It was a few hours later that I met my husband at the door. I was in his arms before he had time to remove his coat or even set down his bag.

"I missed you," I whispered.

"I'm sorry that I left you alone today," he said immediately assessing my distress.

I changed the subject. "The Orf's invited us over. Their daughter thinks I'm a fairy tale character."

Carlisle looked confused for a moment and then pleased. "Do you want to go?"

"As long as you don't mind forcing down Christmas dinner."

"You want to be around others?" he questioned.

"It's not that I don't want to spend some alone time with you, but it's Christmas…"

"And you want to be surrounded by the warmth of family," he affirmed.

"Are you upset?"

"Of course not. It was very nice that they invited us. We can go over so you can amaze Miss Ruby."

"Thank you," I said kissing his cheek.

"What time are we expected?"

"Any time," I said a bit too eagerly.

"Let me change my clothes and then we can be on our way," he said kissing my forehead and releasing me from his arms.

"Merry Christmas, Carlisle," I called out as he was already half way up the stairs.

"Merry Christmas, Esme," he responded.

I sat in the living room waiting for him to return pondering our conversation. When he walked in a few minutes later I felt the need to clarify something.

"You are my family, Carlisle," I stated.

"I know that, my love," he said, looking rather surprised by my declaration.

"You said about being surrounded by the warmth of family. I just want you to know that you are my family."

"Esme, I just meant that you wanted to celebrate today with others."

"But this isn't a substitution for you or for Edward," I said with a shake of my head.

"The elephant in the room?" he questioned.

"Or not in the room," I said quietly.

"Walking in the door and not being greeted by the both of you – I feel his absence, too, Esme, but I'm not going to mourn him right now. We're going to go over our neighbors and have a merry holiday. We'll stay as long as we're comfortable with and then we'll come back here later and exchange gifts. Does that sound alright with you?"

I nodded and he stepped forward to take my hand to help me up. As we walked through the doorframe he paused and kissed me under the mistletoe.

"Merry Christmas to you my best friend, my lover, my family, my wife," he said as he brushed his thumb over my cheek. "You make every day worthy of celebration and merriment."

We had a wonderful time at the Orf's. It was nice to socialize, and I had a lovely afternoon reading fairy tales to Ruby and her cousins, who were all convinced that I came off the pages of the book.

The children were already in bed by the time we headed home.

"We should do this more often," Margaret said as we put on our coats. "Thank you for placating the girls."

"I had a wonderful time with them," I said truthfully. "Thank you for inviting us."

"You are always welcome," Mr. Orf said with a smile as he wrapped an arm around his wife's waist.

We bid them good evening and headed out into the cold night for the short walk back to our doorstep.

"I had a very nice time, Esme," Carlisle said, answering the question that was on my mind as he closed the front door.

"Oh good!"

"They are a very nice family and very welcoming," he said.

"I agree," I said as I removed my hat. "I had fun," I said with a laugh.

"Is it time for presents?" he asked.

I smiled as I took his hand to lead him toward the tree in the living room, but he stopped again in the doorway for a kiss.

"It has to be done," he said with a mischievous grin before kissing me.

I clung to him for a moment.

"Life feels so perfect at the moment," I murmured against his shoulder.

"It is perfect, Esme. It truly is," he said before kissing me once again.

He stoked the fire and we took a seat on the ground by the hearth to exchange our gifts to end what had turned into a perfect Christmas day.

* * *

**Thank you to Melissa and Ali for their beta work. **

**"Miracle and Mischief" is now four chapters along. A new chapter is coming soon!**

**FYI - I contributed a story for Fandom Gives Back. It's Edward and Bella's wedding day from Carlisle's POV. Today is the last day to contribute to receive the author compilation.  
**


	21. Turmoil

_November 1930  
Philadelphia_

"It looks like a bakery in here. Have you studied at all?" Carlisle asked as he walked into the kitchen when he arrived home from work. I had been baking loaves of bread to deliver to the mission. There would be no food on our table ever, but the least I could do was help others when so many people were hungry.

"People are starving. It's the least I can do, and yes, I studied in between batches."

"My wife the little do-gooder," he said with a kiss on my cheek as he set the newspaper down on the table.

"Look who's talking, _Dr._ Cullen," I said poking him lightly in the side with a floured covered finger.

"Do we still have a date this evening?"

"Yes!" I said excitedly. At least once a week we had date night, which inevitably was a night out at the movies.

"What are my choices?" he asked with a grin.

"'Abraham Lincoln' or 'Hell's Angels.'"

"I'll have to ponder that one. I'm going to get changed," he said as he turned toward the door.

"Anything interesting in the paper?" I asked.

"I just picked up the evening edition. I haven't read it yet," he called to me as he left the kitchen.

I finished cleaning up as I had been doing before Carlisle arrived home. I picked up the paper and skimmed over the dismal headlines. I flipped through it, but on the obituary page I froze.

_Evenson – Charles Jonathan, 37, president of recently faltered Columbus Savings and Trust in Columbus, Ohio, suddenly on November 17. Beloved son of Mary Evenson and the late Jonathan Evenson of Columbus. Survived by his uncle, Nathan Evenson of Philadelphia. Services and internment to take place in Columbus._

I didn't know what to feel and yet I felt everything.

_The monster was dead. I was a widow. I wasn't even mentioned. He never mentioned Nathan. Suddenly? How? _

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw something. I didn't know what I wanted. I couldn't form a coherent thought.

"Esme?"

I hadn't even sensed Carlisle's presence as he came into the room. I felt off kilter as I turned to face my husband. His relaxed smile disappeared immediately.

"You look as if you've seen a ghost. What is it?" he asked, his tone worried.

I couldn't speak. I just pointed to the paper on the table – to the spot where my last name glared at me. I stepped away.

I watched him reach the table in one stride and pick up the evening news. I saw his eyes scanning before registering what I had seen. He starred at it longer than he needed to read it. His eyes turned hard.

"I can't say that I mourn his death, Esme." His voice was emotionless and unlike him.

I still couldn't find my voice. The world felt tilted. Nothing made sense.

"Esme?"

I didn't want to cry. It felt like the worse display I could possibly make. What would he think of me if I burst into sobs over that bastard?

The more I tried to suppress the hysteria that was building, the more I knew it was pointless to try. Whether I wanted to express my emotions that way or not, the onslaught was coming.

I ducked around the corner and down the hall. I wanted to keep him at bay as much as my feelings.

"Esme?" I heard him call once again, his gentle footsteps following me.

If I ran out the door he would run after me. If I locked myself in a room, he would bang on the door or maybe even break it down. He wouldn't let me be.

I turned into the living room.

"Esme-" he started in the doorway but I cut him off.

"I don't…" I yelled, but my fist went to cover my mouth and I turned away as I sat on the sofa.

"Esme, he was evil. He hurt you," his voice calm but firm.

"I know what he did! I was there!" I shrieked. "For three and a half years I lived as his wife and when I left I mourned! I mourned what should have been! I mourned failure! I cried tears of sadness! I cried for happiness! I cried tears of utter relief! I cried out of fear! I was confused! I was scared! I was excited and happy and sad! Was he a widower? Am I? I don't know what to feel! A man has died! My husband has died. No matter what he did I can't just shrug my shoulders and say, Oh well, good riddance and go see 'Hell's Angels!'"

"But that's exactly what you should do!" Carlisle said, his voice rising. "Go on without him as you have since you left Columbus a decade ago. Living your life was your revenge."

"I never wanted revenge," I choked out. "I wanted justice. I wanted to move on."

"And you have. You are my wife and I'm your husband. Charles Evenson should have already been as good as dead to you!"

"You don't understand," I said shaking my head.

"No, Esme, I don't," he said, trying to speak with a more rational tone. "That devil did unspeakable things to you. Things that if I had any idea were possible for someone to do to you I would have kidnapped a young lady in 1911 to protect her."

"But you didn't know and you didn't spirit me away. I took vows – the same ones I took with you," I argued.

"And I've honored them and I always will. He did not. He broke them within hours of marrying you! I will not mourn him and I won't watch you mourn him either. You are too good for that, Esme," he compelled me.

But I wasn't. The sob broke in my chest.

Carlisle was true to his word. He turned and walked out of the room. I heard him put on his coat and the front door close as he left.

* * *

_Two days later_

We had barely said two words to each other.

I couldn't lift myself out of my melancholy and Carlisle refused to acknowledge my feelings. I felt so confused inside and I had no one to talk to. My best friend didn't want to hear it. All I could do was continue to try to work through it internally. I wasn't succeeding.

Carlisle was at work when the knock came at the front door. I picked myself up and fixed my hair quickly with my fingers then smoothed my hands over my dress. I threw a couple coins in my pocket in case it was a beggar.

When I opened the door, I was shocked by who I found and I saw the surprise on their faces at my appearance.

"Esme, my dear, you look a wreck! Whatever is the matter?" Carmen blurted out immediately.

"Is Carlisle alright?" Eleazar asked hurriedly.

I threw my arms around Carmen and she held me tight. "Esme, what is it? Is it Carlisle? Is it Edward?"

"Carlisle is fine," I said, my voice shaking. "I haven't heard from Edward."

"Then what is it?"

_She knew that Charles had been abusive. She knew I had left him. Would she understand? _

I took an unnecessary gasp of air and said, "Charles died. I just found out a few days ago."

"Your ex-husband?" Eleazar questioned.

I nodded. Carmen still had an arm wrapped around me.

"Where are my manners? Come in! Come in!" I urged as I welcomed them into our home. "And I should be the one with questions," I said as I lead them into the living room. "Please sit. What are you doing here?"

Carmen was studying my face as she spoke, "I had been thinking about you and wondering how you two were doing. We decided to seek you out. I missed you. I didn't expect to find you quite like this."

"I'm sorry. I'm usually not like this," I said, once again trying to fix my hair.

"Where's Carlisle?" Eleazar asked.

"At the hospital. He should be home in about an hour. He's angry at me for being upset about this," I revealed.

"What happened to Charles?" Carmen asked gently. She had taken the seat next to me and kept my hand wrapped in hers.

"I don't know!" I said too loudly. "And maybe that's part if the reason I'm so torn. It just said 'suddenly' in the death notice."

"The notice was in the paper here?" Carmen continued calmly with her questioning.

"Yes, apparently he has an uncle in Philadelphia. I never met him or knew of him. I don't know why I'm so upset after all he put me through, but I can't seem to pull myself together."

"Esme, my darling, you are anything but heartless. He was your mate and you can't help but be emotional," Carmen rationalized.

"Carlisle doesn't see it that way," I mumbled and lowered my head.

"Carlisle's protective of you and the biggest threat of your existence has been removed from the equation."

"I'm so conflicted, but I shouldn't be," I said, my voice dropping off.

"Eleazar, my love, why don't you seek Carlisle out. Surprise him. Let us have some women time," Carmen said warmly to her husband as she tucked my hair behind my ear.

"No, you don't have to go. You just arrived," I protested as I looked up.

"It's fine, Esme. Really," he said easily with an understanding grimace.

"It's east of here on Spruce before you get to 34th Street," I direct him.

"Thank you. I'll find it," he said with a nod before he left the room and slipped quietly out the front door.

"Oh my dear, Esme," she said as she embraced me again. "I'm sorry for your loss. Men don't always understand a woman's heart the way they should."

"What do you mean?" I asked warily.

"I don't need to talk to Carlisle to know that he is upset that you are mourning his enemy and rival."

"Rival?"

"Yes, rival. Charles had you first. He had a claim to you. He also was, please excuse my language, a bastard, who didn't appreciate the gift that he had in you and treated you horribly. Everything you have told me about him, and I'm sure I haven't heard the half of it, indicates that he was a vile and cruel man."

"He wasn't always," I said quietly.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" she asked with a tone of understanding.

"Yes…I mean no." I didn't know what to think.

"Did you ever love him? Care for him?" she continued.

"I cared, but the care grew less and less as his poor treatment of me went on with time."

"You ran away. You abandoned your vows, your husband, and your marriage."

"I cried. I mourned my failure."

"_Charles_ failed you, Esme, not the other way around. I'm sure you were everything an ideal wife was supposed to be. He turned out to be anything but the ideal husband you agreed to marry."

"We were friends, or so I thought. It should have worked," I said half to her, half to myself.

"But it didn't and once again you mourn the long lost friend, not the cruel man that was Mr. to your Mrs."

She was right. I hadn't understood why I didn't cheer for the freeing of the world from his cruelty, the man that should have loved me and protected me all of my days. It was the memory of the man who I thought would do that for once winning out.

"He was just thirty-seven. I would be thirty-five….our son would have been nine."

"And how many other blessings you could have had by now."

"Yes," I whispered fighting back the sob once more.

"He destroyed it all with his actions," she said gently. There was so much wisdom in her cadence. "He bears the responsibility of forcing you to leave. Even with all of that, your good heart won't let you hate. It won't let what you perceive to be cruel in. That man earned every single bit of scorn, but you mourn the good times instead of revel for the bad. It shows your good character. It should show your current husband how lucky he is, but as I said before, men don't always understand a woman's heart the way that they should. When it comes to wives at times it is even less. There're men like Charles who don't ever attempt to understand it and dismiss it. And there are men like Eleazar and Carlisle, who make the effort because they care and love so completely that they want to understand their wives' every whim and they will spend eternity not always understanding, but making the attempt to unlock all of its secrets.

"Forgive Carlisle for his foolishness and his smugness."

"Carlisle's rarely smug," I said truthfully.

"He is at the moment. His rival, your enemy and his, has lost. He no longer exists. Carlisle never has to fear the threat of Charles again, but at the moment he is feeling like the loser because his wife has given all of her emotions to his now former rival."

"Should I apologize?" I asked, devouring every bit of guidance she could give.

"Absolutely not!" she said with a stomp of her foot. "You have every right to let your emotions out. You are safe. You are protected. You are adored and loved. You have the freedom to express yourself because you are comfortable and protected. He's acting foolish, but that doesn't completely excuse him. When he comes around and realizes what he has done, which I'm sure he'll get to with Eleazar, he'll feel like a fool."

"I wish I knew what happened," I whispered, confessing another underlying concern.

"We could go find out. Ohio isn't that far," Carmen offered.

"You don't have to do that."

"If it will give you piece of mind to know then it is no problem at all," she said resolutely.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Esme."

I could tell she was sincere. She was a lifesaver to me at that moment.

"I'm happy that you are here," I said, squeezing her hand. I could feel a bit of smile on my lips for the first time since I saw the obituary.

"I told you that I would always have an ear for you whenever you needed someone to talk to. I didn't know how much you needed someone when we set off, but I'm happy that we arrived when you needed me," she said hugging me again.

"Impeccable timing," I said with a weak laugh.

"Now that is my specialty."

* * *

When Carlisle and Eleazar returned home hours after Carlisle's shift had ended there was tension in the air. Carlisle greeted Carmen then hugged me and whispered in my ear, "I will always love you. I will always protect you." He then retreated to his office.

Carmen spoke to Eleazar about going to Columbus. He urged her to stay with me and he would go alone. He was gone for four days. During that time, Carlisle remained distant when he was home. Carmen tried to manage her time between the two of us. I knew it wasn't a comfortable situation for my friend, but I appreciated her being there and her concern.

Carlisle stood against the wall just inside the entranceway of the living room as Eleazar took the chair closest to me and Carmen held my hand on the couch.

"He killed himself, Esme," he said gravely.

I gasped. I had thought illness or accident, but suicide…I hadn't let the thought in. I hadn't thought that he could end his life as I had taken my own.

"According to the police report he left a note. He blamed the bank's failure."

"How…" I couldn't say the words, but Eleazar knew the question.

"He hung himself."

I swallowed and lowered my head for a moment to compose myself.

Eleazar continued, "There was an article about his death in 'The Columbus Dispatch.' It made brief mention of the disappearance of his wife in 1921, never to be seen again."

"They'll start looking for me," I said quietly.

"Who's 'they?'" Carmen asked.

"My second cousin and her husband. Maybe my brother. They'll think with Charles gone that they can bring me back into the fold."

"Esme, no," Carlisle, knowing my thoughts before I could process think it, spoke for the first time. "You can't contact them. It's too dangerous."

"I could just send them a note to let them know I'm happy," I pleaded.

"I agree with Carlisle," Carmen said. "There's too much of a risk. They'll want to see you. They'll try even harder to find you if you contact them. Your life is with Carlisle, now. You can't go back to your human life once you've entered this one."

I sighed deeply. I knew they were right, but it didn't mean my disappointment was lessened.

"It's better this way, Esme," Eleazar added.

"Is there anything else?" I asked.

"He wasn't completely penniless. His mother will be fine."

"Thank you for that."

"You're welcome, Esme," said Eleazar. "Does it bring you any peace?"

"It helps me with my process. It helps me understand what happened and that helps," I said feigning a half smile.

"Good," Eleazar said, his eyes going to Carlisle and then looking toward his wife. "Since Carmen and I haven't seen each other in several days, please excuse us. We're going to take a walk." He stood and reached for Carmen's hand, which still held mine.

"Will you be alright?" she asked me, glancing toward Carlisle.

"I'll be fine," I assured her. "Go with your husband."

They fled the house, leaving me with my husband.

"I'm not angry at you, Esme," he spoke first. "I'm angry at everything he put you through and then to see your happiness suffer again for him has been a cruel joke."

"I wish I didn't feel what I felt. It would be so much easier to dismiss his death and go on. It doesn't lessen my love for you. If anything the memory of him reminds me of how lucky I am to have you. He once told me, whether I loved him or not, I don't hate. It's not in me. No matter how much I wanted to despise him I was not capable of it and that was my curse. I was just too damn emotional. He was right."

Carlisle walked over and took the seat beside me on the couch recently vacated by Carmen.

He looked me in the eye as he lovingly said, "Esme, what he called your curse, I would call one of your greatest gifts. Your emotions are driven by your passion, but you always search for the goodness in people. I've been wrong to deny you your feelings. I just hate to see you hurt because of him."

I touched his cheek and told him with complete sincerely, "But, Carlisle, I heal because of you."

For the first time since I learned of Charles passing, Carlisle pulled me into his arms. He didn't say a word. He didn't have to. He stroked my hair and my back in gestures of love and comfort. He was attempting to give me the comfort I had needed for days and also ask for forgiveness.

I buried my face in the crook of his neck and stayed there. I would always be safe in his arms. Every touch would be one of love. There would be fights. We would get angry at each other. But Carlisle would never harm me. He would never derive pleasure from my pain. He would never manipulate or control me. He would never deny me my passions. When I fell, Carlisle saved me – Charles didn't and no one was there to save him – that was his curse.

* * *

Carmen and Eleazar stayed with us until the beginning of the new year. I enjoyed their company tremendously and found myself opening up and being more candid with Carmen.

We spent many hours discussing our husbands and the follies of vampirism. A kinship that had started roughly three years ago was blossoming into a dear and cherished friendship. She wanted to know all about my studies and I gave her a detailed overview of all that I had learned.

"Although I could stay with you much longer, my dear friend, you have your studies to complete," she said supportively.

"I don't begin class again for another week," I disputed.

"And I think you need that time to reacquaint yourself with your husband before you start back," she said with a wink. Although Carmen and I had a few conversations about intimacy that would have made my husband blush, the idea of being intimate with Carmen and Eleazar in the house just had not been appealing.

"Carmen," I complained with feign embarrassment.

"You'll be the first female vampire I know of to have a college degree. I'm proud of you. So work hard this last semester so you can go on for that master's degree you daydream about."

I would miss her.

"I will. Thank you," I said.

"I expect a graduation notice," she demanded.

"Do you receive mail?"

"Carlisle knows how to get a message to us," she said as she gave me a hug. "Remember that. If you ever need us, he knows how."

"Thank you."

"I love you, my dear Esme."

"I love you, too," I said grasping her hand tightly.

I said my goodbyes to Eleazar and then both were gone. I didn't know when I would see them again, and I missed their presence as soon as the door was closed. I turned to Carlisle and was met with mischievous eyes.

"What?" I asked with a laugh.

His eyes darted from my face to the stairs and back again.

"You don't want to waste any time do you?" I said, suppressing a smirk.

He shook his head.

As much as I wanted him too I decided to tease him. "I should really get a jump on reading my textbooks." I turned toward the living room, but heard the sound of a whimper behind me.

I turned around and planted my feet on the ground with my hands on my hips and said firmly, "Tell me what you want."

"I want you naked in my arms, sprawled out on our bed, and me buried inside you," he said quickly, but with such a fury that I couldn't even think to deny him.

I started toward the stairs. "Well why didn't you say so sooner?"

Before I could even put my foot on the first step, he swept me up in his arms and blazed a trail to our bedroom. It was there that he quickly had exactly what he wanted and so did I.

* * *

_**Author's Notes**_

**Thank you for your reviews and your love. **

**As always, thank you to Ali, Heather and Melissa for their beta work.**

**My work has been nominated for several Sunflower Awards.  
"The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years" – Best Esme  
"Miracles and Mischief" – Best Romance Story  
"The Rocky Horror Cullen Halloween Show" – Best Humor Story  
Voting is open now until February 19. Please vote. The URL is on my profile page under "Latest News." You'll have to copy and paste it due to ff temporarily deactivating all hyperlinks on profile pages.  
Thank you for the nominations and for voting!**


	22. Accomplished

_June 1931  
Philadelphia_

The wind whipped at my skirt as I crossed the quad. I could smell the rain that was coming in on that muggy night in Philadelphia. The thunder rumbled in the far distance.

I had done it. I just sat for my last exam of my undergraduate studies. I was just days away from collecting my diploma. I was going to be a college graduate.

But tonight there would be dancing.

I thought about the pre-dawn conversation when I coerced my husband into taking me out that evening, but there was so much more we discussed…

I had been in the place of perfection – wrapped in his arms, my body laying against his, feeling the afterglow.

"One more class," he said breaking the silence.

"Not even a class, just an exam," I said with a grin on my lips.

"Have I selfishly kept you from your studies?" he asked with a tone of worry.

"I'm as prepared as I'm going to be. Your selfishness was perfect for relieving any stress I was feeling," I said as I snuggled against him.

"I'm so proud of you," he said gently.

"I've come a long way in a decade. It's overwhelming if I think too much about it. Ten years ago today I was a very pregnant school teacher."

He was silent as his hand passed over my stomach, resting just at my navel.

"Are you happy?" he questioned.

"What a question to ask!" I exclaimed turning my head to meet his eyes. "Of course I'm happy. I have so much. I am married to most wonderful man in the world-"

"Who loves you with every fiber of his being," he interrupted.

"Yes, there's that, but he's also encouraging and pushes me to be more than I am."

"You are everything to me," he confessed with unnecessary emphasize as his fingers threaded through my hair.

I continued, "I have a beautiful home and nice things when others are suffering so much right now. You give me the resources to contribute and help out those who are in need."

"It's your heart that compels you, not the resources."

I ignored his denial. "I'm about to receive my college degree from a prestigious university. It's something ten years ago that I thought I would never be able to accomplish."

"You were focused on other things then."

"It doesn't mean that this wasn't something that I still wanted – I just had thought it would be impossible."

"I just worry sometimes about what I took from you."

"Carlisle, why are we having this conversation now? You took nothing from me. I took it. I ended it. I destroyed it. You gave me back life. I have never been happier than I have been with you."

His hand caressed my check as he looked into my eyes.

"Ten years ago I never imagined I could have this. I was a bachelor living with a young man…a friend…a son, but I never thought for a moment that I would find love and would know a woman's touch. I had no idea I was about to stumble upon the goddess that would be my better half, who would accept me with my flaws and love me despite them. Who would make me feel things I that I never knew were inside of me. An angel that would teach me how to fly and take me to heaven. Who forgives me so easily and gives me solace."

My hand touched his chest over his heart. "You're everything I ever dreamed of…literally. I never thought I would love and be loved by a man. I never thought I would find someone who would encourage my intellect and want me to better myself. I didn't think I could ever feel what I feel when you touch me. I love you and I love you for being proud of me and wanting me just as I am."

"You're perfection," he breathed, staring at me with a look that I felt I was beyond worthy of seeing. His adoration through a look should be reserved for things more exalted than me, but I was flattered to be held in such esteem.

"Far from it, but thank you," I said as I nuzzled my face against his neck, wrapping my arm across his chest. "I feel pretty close to whole. It's been a long time coming, and it's not that I don't miss him because I do, but I feel like we're in good place."

"I feel it too." I could hear the hope and happiness in his voice. "There will always be a space for him in my heart, but you're right, I feel like we've made so many strides and I'm so ridiculously happy with you – my brilliant and beautiful wife."

I tickled him right along his ribs causing him to convulse with laughter, but his hand caught mine before I could trace my fingers lower. He brought them to his lips.

"I would do anything for you," he whispered against them.

I pushed myself up to meet his eyes again. I knew he saw the enthusiasm in them. "Anything?"

He looked wary then. He swallowed and cautiously responded, "Anything."

"So you're taking me out dancing to celebrate after my exam tonight." It wasn't a question.

He groaned and rolled his eyes.

"You said anything," I added, reminding him of the commitment he had just made.

"Couldn't we just dance here?" he asked as his hand slipped down to grasp my behind.

"I'll be much more obliged to dance horizontal later tonight if you take me dancing on two feet," I teased. "It's been so long."

"We went to the cotillion last month."

"Where fellow students ogled my husband," I protested.

"You know I only have eyes for one student and that's fine because she isn't in any of my classes."

"But she certainly has gotten an education from Dr. Cullen," I said as I ended the sentence with a lick of his lips and a wandering hand.

"My naughty wife," he said with a chuckle.

"You wouldn't have me any other way."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Including her love of dancing with her dashing husband?" I asked, stopping my hand just short of where he wanted it to go.

He groaned again.

"I'll wear that dress," I said playfully.

He perked up. "The gold one?"

"Yes, and what happened to 'I would do anything for you?'"

"We'll go dancing tonight," he confirmed.

"I know."

I bit my lip remembering what happened next.

I picked up my pace a little as I turned onto our street just a few blocks from home. The rain was getting closer and I didn't want to get caught in the downpour. I also was excited to see Carlisle and to celebrate with him. If the rain arrived before I did, I knew he would use it as an excuse to get out of dancing tonight.

As I arrived at the path leading up to our front door the wind was howling with gale force and I knew my dancing dreams were going to be put off for that evening. That didn't mean I wasn't going to tease him about it.

I slid the key in the lock and pushed the door open stepping inside. "Carlisle," I called. "It's just a little storm so don't think you're…" I froze.

Sitting in the entrance hall was a relic of my past.

I dropped my things on the table by the door and went to it. I ran my fingers over the smooth wood of the arms. Before I could even think to ask how my grandmother's rocking chair was sitting in my entrance hall, the scent in the air struck me.

I was met with silence.

I darted the few steps into the living room and could barely believe the scene before me.

"Hello, Esme," Edward said as he rose to his feet where he sat beside my husband on the sofa.

I felt so much – happiness, relief, fear, anger, but it was all trumped by love.

I crossed the space between us, moving past Carlisle, and wrapped my arms around our son. I felt his arms across my back. _He really is here._

"I am," was all he said against my hair.

I was crying. All I could do was hold him and cry. He rubbed my back as I clung to him. After several minutes, I released him to look at his face. I touched his cheek as he looked down into my eyes. His eyes were orange, but I didn't care. _I don't care. You're home._

His face contorted with emotion. "I don't deserve this," he said with a shake of his head as he brushed a thumb over my cheek to wipe away the tears that couldn't fall.

"When did you come home?"

He flinched slightly at my words. "I arrived about an hour ago. Carlisle's been filling me in on your educational endeavors."

I looked over at my husband for the first time. He looked overwhelmed as he watched us. I kept an arm around Edward as I reached a hand toward Carlisle, which he blindly took.

"Our son is home," I whispered. Carlisle was on his feet embracing us both.

Within a minute Edward stepped back. "I'm sorry. For everything."

"It doesn't matter," I stated. Nothing mattered. He was here.

"It does matter. I was horrible to you both. I rebelled."

"Yes, you rebelled. Young men rebel against…" I couldn't finish the statement.

"Their parents? It's alright, Esme – Mother."

My heart no longer beat, but in that moment I felt it – I felt it lifted and soaring. It was a title I didn't deserve or earn, but I wanted it and wanted to fill that role for him.

"You have shown as much love, concern and affection for me as the woman who bore me. And you," he said, looking at Carlisle, "have given me more credit than I have ever deserved. I don't have any right to expect you to let me stay."

"This is your home, Edward. Wherever Carlisle and I are it will always be your home. We are a family."

"Esme is right," Carlisle spoke up. "You are a son to me and our door is always open for you. There is nothing that you could ever do that will change that."

"You may not feel the same once you know what I've done," Edward said, looking down.

"Nothing," Carlisle said again. Whatever his thought was behind it made Edward meet his eyes again.

"Edward," I said, breaking up their staring match. "Tell us."

Edward took the chair and I sat down closest to him on the couch with Carlisle next to me. My husband took ahold of my hand.

"When I left I was angry. I was angry at you both. I was angry for what I am. I was angry for not changing or growing up. I was angry at not being able to move forward. I was angry for what I felt, at that time, I was being denied, which was what I truly craved and thought I deserved.

"When I left, I wandered…" And he went on to talk through the night as the rain poured down outside.

He told us about how he wandered through the wilderness in Canada, before ending up in Quebec. He eventually headed back to the U.S. and made his way down the eastern seaboard stopping in cities along the way. He kept going turning into the Gulf States and down through Texas. He journeyed into Mexico and further down into Central America then South America going all the way to Argentina. He eventually made his way back up through the middle of the country.

He spoke to us in length about his mindset and how he had become a vigilante in his thirst for blood. He would hunt in cities – searching for the dregs of society. His eyes were watching me warily as he talked about ending the lives of rapists and men who abused women and children. He killed the murderers or sometimes ended the murder before they could carry out the crime.

"I didn't want to be a monster, but I wanted to live that way. I had to know what it was like to be what almost every one of our kind is. I needed to feel what it was like to have human blood in my body all the time. But there were times when the villains couldn't be found. I was surrounded by humans just living their lives and going about their day to day. They weren't always kind or caring, but they weren't committing crimes against another. I didn't want to end their lives. What would happen to me if I continued on this course? I had taken so many human lives of guilty men and I felt justified in ridding the world of them, but the need for their blood was beginning to rule my judgment and the cost to the innocent would be too high. I had to get out. I had to stop.

"It wasn't easy. I made the decision near the end of last year. I stayed South through the winter trying to wean myself off, by giving myself access to animals, which tasted like complete rubbish after more than three years off that diet. I gave in to temptation several times. In the spring, I made my way north to Rochester, but I found that you were long gone. I tried the lodge to no avail. Eventually I ended up stopping in Chicago. I could tell you had been in the house. When I saw that so many of Carlisle's items were gone I knew you had to have moved somewhere with the intention of staying there for some time. I was able to track down the moving company, and determine that your things had gone to Philadelphia. And that's when I headed in this direction. I had a slip on the way," he said, gesturing to his orange eyes. "I took some time to recommit myself before making my way into the city and then it was just a matter of tracking you down as long as you were still here."

He paused. He studied both our faces before glancing down at his hands in his lap. When he looked up again, I saw that although his looks had not changed for they were forever frozen, he had aged.

He continued, "I don't deserve the forgiveness and acceptance you two are offering. I was vile to you and broke your confidence in me. I failed you and your beliefs."

His eyes were locked on Carlisle's. My husband was calm when he spoke, "Edward, it was wrong of me not to tell you both everything. In a way, I think I was trying to protect you from worrying about things that I foolishly thought wouldn't affect you. I also was wrong to not be more understanding of your craving for our kinds' natural prey."

"But you were so sure of your beliefs. You still are. I rebelled against everything you have worked and fought for."

"It wasn't enough."

"It was more than enough," Edward protested. "I was wrong. It took me several years to realize it, but I was wrong to fight so hard against you. Everything you did and everything you said was with love. I got angry because I was selfish and felt entitled to what you were denying me. For a long time I was happy with my decision to live a different life, but over time I realized it wasn't enough. Yes, I was sated when it came to the blood I so desired, but when the hunt was done and the body disposed there was nothing. I filled my time for a while, but it was lonely and I began to know what you felt for so long, Carlisle. Although my short time away is hardly comparable to your centuries alone, I began to understand what that lifestyle meant and what I was losing by making that choice. I couldn't justify it. I can't change what I have done and I don't expect you to welcome me back. You two have a life here on your own. You're happy and I can see that."

He turned to me, "Esme, I'm so proud of you and I'm so sorry that you felt the brunt of so many of my outbursts. I know you were practicing tough love. You only wanted what was best for me and were trying to guide me in your own way.

"Seeing you two again…you both mean so much to me and what I did was inexcusable. I have no right to ask you to let me return, but I needed to see you both and let you know that I had seen the error of my ways. I needed to let you know that I'm sorry for how I treated you and how I left. I'm sorry for everything."

"Edward, yes, Esme and I have gone on without you. We had to." Carlisle's voice was strained as the hard times stirred in his memory. "It wasn't easy and some days were more difficult than others as we mourned our loss. We have leaned on each other, but you left a hole in both our hearts. We love you. Although we have no right to, we think of you as our son. I think of you now as the one who had been lost and now is found. I know I speak for Esme when I say our home is always your home."

"Of course it is," I added. "I am so happy that you are here, Edward. Please don't go. Everything is forgiven. We love you."

"You two are better parents than I deserve. I'm honored that you would remotely think of me of your son after all that I have done."

"We all make mistakes, Edward. It's what we learn from those mistakes that determines who we are and how we move forward," said Carlisle. I squeezed his hand.

"You are home," I confirmed then blurted out, "You can't leave us again."

Carlisle squeezed my hand.

"And besides," I said, "now that you are here I expect you to stay to see me walk at graduation."

I saw Edward suppress a grin. "I would be honored."

"And is that my graduation present?" I said pointing toward the hall where my grandmother's rocking chair sat undisturbed for hours.

I saw a darkness fall over Edward's face briefly, but as quickly as it appeared it faded. "It's from me. You had told me about the chair when you were working on Carlisle's desk. When I was making my way back up north, I found myself in the vicinity of Columbus, Ohio. I was going to try to burglarize it from your former husband's home, but when I came upon it I discovered that he had died. Carlisle told me that you knew of this. The home wasn't occupied, but it hadn't been cleared out yet. I just took it." He chuckled. "I had it shipped to the Chicago house. When I caught up to it there and found out that you were in Philadelphia I had it shipped into storage here. Once I figured out where you were I went to get it so I could bring it here as a peace offering."

"Thank you. I never thought I would ever see it again and it was the most difficult object to leave behind when I departed Columbus."

"I know. I'm glad that I could bring it home to you where it belongs."

"And where you belong," I said with a grin that I couldn't hide.

"I've missed you, Esme," he said with an apologetic smile.

"And I've missed you, but now let's figure out which room is going to be yours," I urged wanting to get him settled in.

"No, if I'm not asking too much, I'd like to hear about what you two have been up to. I want to hear everything."

We spent the next several hours discussing the last three and a half years of our lives. It was warm and happy and I wanted us to stay forever this way – the three of us – our family.

* * *

"Esme Anne Cullen."

I walked across the stage to the dean in my cap and gown to receive my diploma – my bachelor of arts.

I wanted to cry for joy as I shook his hand and he handed me the distinguished piece of paper. It was the impossible being realized. I was proud and I wouldn't deny my pride this time. I had done it!

I had so much. I was married to the most amazing man in the world. Our "son" had come home. Now I had the education I had longed for since I was a child. I felt empowered.

I had picked out Carlisle and Edward's loud claps as my name had been called. I scanned the crowd for their faces as I walked off the stage. I caught glimpse of the top of their blonde and bronze heads. I wanted to run down the aisle and show them, but I had to file back into my seat.

I opened the folder and looked at my name emblazoned on the official sheet. I couldn't take my eyes off it as the rest of the degrees were conferred.

When the ceremony ended, I threw my cap in a way that it would fall back to me. We filed out with all the pomp and circumstance that we had marched in with.

I went looking for my men in the corridor as soon as I could.

I had to stop myself from running when I saw Carlisle. I held onto my cap and moved quickly through the crowd stopping in front of them beaming.

"How do I look?" I teased, posing with my diploma in front of me.

Carlisle reached out and wrapped his arms around me. "Like the smartest woman I have ever met."

I looked at his face. Even without tears, I could tell he had been crying. I touched his face and he knew that I knew. "I'm just so incredibly proud of you, Esme. This has been such a long time coming for you."

"I couldn't have done it without your support."

"I will not take any credit for this. This was all you," he said kissing my cheek and holding me a bit longer.

"Thank you," I said quietly and then added with a whisper in his ear, "but I am giving you credit for some tutoring."

He looked at me surprised and then gave me a devilish smirk and a wink. "My brilliant wife hardly needed tutoring."

"But you are so good at helping me out with my lessons."

Edward cleared his throat. "Just a reminder, I'm back, but I'll give you two some time to yourselves later."

I looked guiltily at Edward who opened his arms to embrace me. I left Carlisle's arms to fall into my son's.

"I know this means the world to you. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for your journey, but I'm glad that I was here to witness the conclusion. Thank you for including me."

"I wouldn't dream of not including you."

"I can't wait to see what you accomplish next, Mrs. Cullen."

"I'm thinking a master's degree and then maybe a doctorate."

"Another Dr. Cullen?" Edward asked surprised.

"You never know. The possibilities are endless."

"And I have no doubt that you will achieve whatever you set your mind to, Esme."

"That's exactly how I feel at the moment. I can do anything," I said with a grin.

"And you will, Esme," Carlisle interjected. "And we'll be here for you every step of the way."

* * *

**Author's Notes**

**Welcome home, Edward! I hope you enjoyed his homecoming. I know many of you have been waiting for him.**

**Thank you to my betas Melissa, Ali and Heather!**

**The Esme Chronicles: The Vampire Years won The Sunflower Award for Best Esme. Thank you for your votes and your love!**


	23. Ruling and Class

_November 1932_  
_Rochester, New York_

"Esme, are you ready?"

"Almost," I called out to Carlisle optimistically as I continued slipping pins into my hair. I was running late.

A moment later my dashing husband appeared in the doorway. I ignored him as I continued my work until his face was reflecting in the glass above my own.

"Mrs. Cullen, with limitless time how are you running so late?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"My errands took longer than expected and I had to take out the pins and start over," I said calmly, but slightly agitated.

"Will you be much longer?"

"Stop distracting me, Dr. Cullen, and I'll be ready within ten minutes," I snapped. "It's fine. We'll be fashionably late."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked sincerely.

"Bring long hair back in style," I grumbled as I finished the last pin curl and picked up the wig cap.

"It will come back," he said encouragingly as he watched me slide the wig onto my head and secure it.

I looked in the mirror and fixed a wayward strand before standing and rushing past him toward the closet.

"It won't be soon enough," I called out over my shoulder. I heard him chuckle. Under my robe, I was wearing everything I would need beneath the new gown. I slipped off the covering and lifted the dress off the hanger and over my head in one fluid motion. After I fastened it, I picked up my shoes and stole and went back into the room where I sat on the edge of the bed to put on my shoes.

"What are you wearing?" Carlisle asked. His voice was unusually high.

"An evening gown," I stated as I stood up and made my way to walk over to my jewelry box to retrieve a pair of earrings.

"Where's the back of it?"

I took one last look in the mirror. "This is the fashion, Carlisle," I said as I walked back to the bed to pick up the fur and my purse.

"It's obscene," he objected.

"You thought ankles were obscene a decade ago. Ankles are once again covered and now we're showing off the back."

"Esme…" I cut off the lecture I was about to receive.

"Carlisle! It's new. It's fashionable. I've got a stole. We're running late. I'm sure I'm not going to be the only woman with a bare back. You are going to have move past your aversion to fashion at the moment."

I turned and walked out the door with him on my heels. I immediately felt bad about my behavior and stopped in my tracks. I turned and caught his arm. When I met his eyes he looked alarmed and concerned. I leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry."

"You look lovely," he said trying to win my favor.

"Thank you," I murmured and headed down the stairs.

Edward was waiting at the foot with both our coats. "Esme, you look beautiful," he said with a smile, kindly ignoring the situation that he clearly knew had just transpired.

It had not been an easy adjustment having Edward home. Of course we would rather have him than have the place to ourselves, but nevertheless three and a half years of just me and Carlisle had allowed us to fall into a routine based on two.

We didn't stay long in Philadelphia after I graduated. It was too difficult to remain. I loved that home and the life Carlisle and I created, but it was a life for just the two of us with no room for Edward. We had begun to behave as a young couple, and our behavior was at times uninhibited. We had left the home in Minnesota after Edward departed because he was everywhere in the air; we left Philadelphia to fit him in and make him feel welcome and comfortable. We had to start over again. By the end of July we were on our way to Rochester, New York.

It seemed ironic that we fled one Rochester and now we were living in another, but it also felt right when Carlisle was offered a job. Like it was fated and I wasn't one to deny fate.

It had been more than a year since we had made the move and it had been a slow-going adjustment to life as three again. Edward had been headstrong when he left and for quite a while he had continued on that path. He still was coming down from that time. He was different.

His mood swings were erratic although he seemed to be improving. When he first came home he spent a lot of time just speaking with Carlisle. It hurt that he wasn't willing to share some things with me or turn to me for any guidance. I wanted to help him, but also wondered if there were things that I didn't want to know.

Time. We have so much of it, but you can't speed it up or move it along. When we moved I decided to stay home instead of taking classes. I wanted to give Edward time and space, but I wanted to be there if he needed me.

As of late he was beginning to open up and tell me stories, good and bad, from his time alone. Today he chose a bad one that left me off kilter and agitated.

The story he told of the man who not only abused his wife and children, but also his mistress left me distressed. Edward had ended him, but I couldn't help wondering what had happened to that woman. Was she relieved when he didn't come home? Was she destitute? Was she better off without him or was her life worse?

It led to me being late picking up my gown for tonight's charity ball and my lateness getting ready. Being late was a rare feat for a vampire.

Tonight's benefit was for the hospital. It was a high society event and Dr. Cullen was expected to attend. I was surprised when Edward said he wanted to go. He had been staying pretty close to home, but I hoped it meant he was starting to come out of his shell.

"Something like that," he murmured to me with a light chuckle as we left the house. "Also, for the music."

* * *

The performers from the Eastman School of Music were excellent. Even my doubting Edward was impressed.

"It's a shame that they are being ignored," Edward muttered to me.

"It's just the reception, Edward. I'm sure people will pay more attention during the program," I murmured back.

Edward chuckled and handed me a glass off a passing tray with a glimmer in his eyes he said, "Showtime, Mrs. Cullen."

Before I could question him I heard my husband's voice as he approached. "She's right over here, Mrs. Whipple."

"I see her, Dr. Cullen," said a friendly female voice dripping in southern charm. "I hope she remembers me."

"I'll reintroduce you, but I'm sure she hasn't forgotten," Carlisle responded.

I turned and smiled to greet Mrs. Katherine Ball Waring Whipple, wife of Dr. George Hoyt Whipple, the dean of the School of Medicine and Dentistry at the University of Rochester.

"Mrs. Whipple," I chimed. "It's so good to see you again. It's been too long."

She embraced me. "It has been. There are some women I would like to introduce you to. You've been a mystery to so many since your arrival."

I saw across the room that Edward had fled and taken a place against the wall near the musicians.

"That is so kind of you," I said, then turned to smile at my husband. "Can you spare me?"

"I should go greet Dr. Mills," Carlisle said. "I'll leave you ladies to it."

Mrs. Whipple whisked me away and suddenly I was surrounded by a half a dozen ladies chattering away.

I had not been very social since arriving in Rochester with my attention so focused on Edward. I turned down invitations more often than not early on and that lead to the invites tapering off.

I listened intently as they gossiped. Some of the names mentioned I knew from the society pages, others I had never heard before. I could tell Mrs. Whipple was trying to draw me into the conversation, but I only could smile and nod.

The conversation turned to family and I waited for uninvited questions about my children.

"My Barbara wanted so much to come this evening," said Mrs. Whipple. "She kept giving me reasons as to why she must attend. I told her she has a few more years before she'll be dressing up for balls."

"How old is your daughter?" I asked, attempting to enter into the conversation.

"She just turned 11 in September," she said with a smile.

Katherine's daughter was born the same year as my son. The same year I became locked in this appearance. I suddenly viewed her in a new light.

"Do you have any other children?" I asked.

"I have a son, George. He's 15 and won't be as willing to make his first appearance at this event. My husband already told him next year and let's just say he wasn't as excited as his sister," she said with a chuckle.

I studied her appearance. She couldn't have been much older than me if she had her first child the year I married Charles. It had been 37 years since I took my first breath. She couldn't have been much more than 40. There were little creases near her eyes and fullness to her cheeks. Although not particularly heavy, I wondered if the weight she carried at her midriff remained with her after childbirth or had come with age. I thought for a moment about my appearance and tried to match her attributes to my own. I chased the thoughts from my mind as quickly as I conjured them. Why torture myself?

"Next thing you know you'll be planning weddings," one of the women chimed in. While her statement was pleasant, I couldn't help but notice a vague hint of bitterness.

"Mrs. King's son, Royce, just recently became engaged," Katherine explained to me. "He is to be married next spring."

"Yes, I read the announcement in the Democrat and Chronicle," I said. "Congratulations, Mrs. King."

"Thank you," she said graciously. "It came rather quickly and although we hoped they would wait until June, they already have set a date for April."

"I'm sure they're young and in love and just want to start their lives together," I encouraged.

"Well, when Royce gets his mind set on something there's no assuaging him," she said guardedly. I didn't know if I had offended her or maybe she thought it was presumptuous of me to speak of her son.

"Have you met Miss Hale, Mr. King's fiancée?" one of the other women, a Mrs. Exton, asked of me. I think she was trying to save me.

"I have not. I'm sure I would like to. Is she here this evening?" I said looking around, not sure who I was looking for.

"My future daughter-in-law and my son are around here somewhere," Mrs. King said lazily.

"You'll know them when you see them, Mrs. Cullen, for they are a fine looking couple," said Mrs. Exton.

"Stunning even," noted Katherine. "But certainly our Mrs. Cullen and her good doctor could give them a good run in the looks department," she teased.

"I'm flattered, Mrs. Whipple, but we are an old married couple in comparison," I said with a smile.

"You look like you could scarcely be older than Miss Hale, but I'm assuming that is not the case since your husband is a doctor?" Mrs. King inquired.

"I'm 25, Mrs. King, and closer to 26 than 24," I said trying to remain gracious.

"And do you have children?"

"Alas, my husband and I have not been blessed with children as of yet. My family is my husband and my brother, Edward."

"Pity. Well for your sake I hope you are a mother before I am a grandmother," stated Mrs. King.

All the women tittered in agreement. I felt like I had a spotlight on me. Luckily the dinner bell rang and our party began to dissipate. It would take at least 15 minutes for everyone to find their seats. I excused myself to find a place to drop off my untouched glass and then ducked into the ladies lounge to wash my hands and check my makeup.

When I exited I almost ran head first into a young gentleman speeding by. He caught my arm to stop the collision.

He apologized, "I'm so sorry, ma'am. I should be more careful." He studied me briefly and I did the same. He was a handsome young man who was well built, with very fair blonde hair and pale blue eyes. He vaguely reminded me of Carlisle in his appearance.

"No harm, no foul, sir," I said politely.

He grinned and said, "Thank you for your understanding. I apologize again, ma'am, as I don't know your name. I'm sure we haven't met before because I would never forget the name or face of someone so beautiful."

"Esme Cullen. I'm the wife of Dr. Carlisle Cullen. He works at the hospital."

"Of course. I'm Royce King, the younger."

"I just met your mother. Congratulations on your engagement, Mr. King! What an exciting time it must be for you."

"It's a bit more exciting for the women in my life than it is for me," he said as he offered me his arm. "May I escort your to dinner?"

"Thank you," I said as I took his arm and started down the hall. The throng had already pushed its way into the ballroom. We weren't stragglers yet, but in another five minutes or so we would be.

"Are you new to Rochester, Mrs. Cullen?" he inquired.

"We arrived in the city last year so by your family's standards we are very new."

He laughed and asked, "And what do you know of my family?"

"I read the paper, Mr. King. It's hard to miss your family."

"True," he agreed. "They are a bit obsessed with us on the society page."

"The business pages as well. Your family's bank's success has not gone unnoticed in these difficult times as well as your family's other businesses in Rochester. There has been much praise for your business acumen."

"My father is a smart man and made good and sound decisions early on in his career that have kept us afloat during this time of crisis," he said as we neared the ballroom entrance. I spotted Edward through the doors before I saw Carlisle. My son started making his way toward me.

"I see my brother is coming to meet me," I said with a gesture.

"And I spot my fiancée," he said as he released my arm. "Again, I apologize for almost running you over, but it has been my pleasure to meet you. I hope it will not be the last time our paths cross. " He kissed my hand.

"I'm sure we will meet again, Mr. King," I said.

"Possibly on the dance floor later?" he implied.

"I'm sure that could be arranged. Enjoy your evening," I said with a light chuckle.

"You too, Mrs. Cullen," he said as he passed behind me and for a brief moment I felt his fingers graze my bare back and he was gone.

"Esme," Edward acknowledge as he approached and put my arm in his. "Playing with fire this evening?"

I was surprised by his question. "Good heavens, no. Whatever makes you say that?"

"Royce King?" he questioned with an amused, but concerning look.

"We almost collided when I was exiting the lounge. He apologized profusely and offered to escort me to dinner," I explained.

"It was no accidental collision." His tone was serious. "He had seen you speaking with his mother. He saw you leave the party and was looking for a way to introduce himself. He had his eye on you."

"That's preposterous, Edward. He was charming," I insisted.

"He doesn't often see women in Rochester that rival his fiancée's beauty."

"Don't be ridiculous. Where's his fiancée?"

"She's the one giving you daggers at 9 o'clock."

I looked to my left and spotted Royce standing by his mother, an older man that I assumed was his father, and a stunningly beautiful young blonde woman who was watching us.

"She's gorgeous."

"She is and she knows it." Edward chuckled and noted, "She doesn't like you."

"That's absurd," I said through clenched teeth. "I haven't even met her."

"Your beauty rivals hers and you just entered the room on her future husband's arm. That's enough."

"She has nothing to worry about. He was a perfect gentleman toward me."

"His thoughts were less than gentlemanly," Edward persisted.

I snapped at him. "Edward, just because you can hear everyone's thoughts doesn't mean that every single thought has to be repeated. I had one conversation with the man. I don't know Miss Hale. I'm going to continue to think that they are two lovely, young and in love people who are going to live happily ever after."

I glanced back over at the couple. She was on his arm now and he looked to be hanging onto her every word.

"I'm sorry," he said as we approached our table and Carlisle.

"Sorry for what?" Carlisle asked as he pulled out a chair for me.

"It's nothing," I said with a smile as I took my seat.

* * *

"I'm going to take a walk. Enjoy the night air," Edward said as he closed the car door.

I glanced at Carlisle. I knew a quick and immediate exit by Edward meant that something was on Carlisle's mind.

"You don't have to run off."

"It's fine, Esme. Have a good night," he said before placing a kiss on my cheek and heading off into the dark.

When we entered our room I dropped the fur on the chaise before heading to my vanity to let my hair down.

"I hardly saw you this evening," I said to my husband as I took my seat.

"Dr. Whipple had me glad-handing every possible donor and telling them all about his research," he said with a big sigh.

"I hope they were generous." I plucked the earrings from my ears and went to work on my hair.

"I think we garnered some major commitments," he said as he appeared in the mirror behind me. "I did see you often across the room and on the dance floor later in the evening."

"Well Edward obliged me with a few dances, but so did a few other gentlemen. Most were your colleagues."

"I saw. There were also a few I didn't know," he said, which I knew to be an unspoken question so I decided to fill him in.

"I danced with Dr. Carson's son, Lawrence. He's a sweet young man. He's going to make some girl very happy. The only other one who asked for a dance was Royce King, the son."

"He was the blonde one who has the pretty fiancée that many were talking about?"

"Yes, Miss Hale. It's a shame my husband noticed all my partners, but never managed to join me on the dance floor," I teased.

"While you were dancing with the young Mr. King, I was securing a large donation from his father," he said, removing a pin from the nape of my neck. "Besides, I knew I could dance with you later," he added with a kiss on the back of my neck.

"You sound like a businessman," I grumbled.

"It's not the favorite part of my job and I didn't expect to get quite so wrapped up. I would have much rather been wrapped up with you on the dance floor. I was jealous every time I saw a hand on your back."

"There's nothing ever to be jealous of. You know that," I said with a shake of my head. He plucked another pin out as he stood over me.

"I know, Esme, but I'm a man with a beautiful wife whom I didn't give the attention she deserved this evening while other men did. I apologize for that," he said with regret.

I swiveled around on my stool to face him and took his hands. "You had important work to do. I played my part while you did your job. It's alright. I'm sorry for my outburst before we left."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He was so gentle and concerned.

"Edward told me a story about one of his victims. It upset me. It threw me off a bit, but I'm fine now," I confessed.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said turning back to the mirror. He stood behind me removing several more pins as I finished removing the ones on the side and top. I shook my hair over the table to make sure they were all out before flipping it back over. It was a wild mass of curls.

I picked up a brush, but Carlisle took it from my hand. "Allow me," he said chivalrously as he began stroking it through my hair.

His movements became half hazard as he swept my locks to one side and his lips once again returned to my neck. I relaxed and enjoyed the sensation. He trailed across the back of it and began descending down my bare back, but then he suddenly stopped and straightened up.

"Why don't I draw you a bath," he said.

I stood and caught his hand as I took one step toward the bed. "I think the bath can wait," I said with a seductive tone, my eyes darting from his eyes to the bed and back again.

He pulled my hand up and kissed the back of it.

"It will help you relax." He looked almost sheepish.

"I am relaxed," I said sensing that he was being evasive. "Carlisle, we have the house to ourselves, but if you are not in the mood just tell me."

His hands rest against my cheeks to direct my gaze toward his. "It's not that. I'm quite aware that we are very alone."

"Then what is it?" He looked uncomfortable and I pressed the matter. "Carlisle, what's bothering you?"

"I don't want to offend you," he muttered.

"Too late," I teased then raised his hand to my lips.

His look was slightly darker as he spoke. "You looked stunning in that gown and every time I saw your back tonight all I could think of was kissing every inch of it."

"And you are very welcome to do so," I urged as I tried to move closer against him.

"And I just started to, but, my love, you smell." The sheepish look had returned.

I was taken aback. That was certainly not what I expected to hear.

He continued, "All those men had their hands on you when you were dancing and I can smell them on your skin."

"Oh," I said affirming my understanding. "And that bothers you, my possessive vampire husband?"

"Quite a lot," he mumbled. "It's making me feel very possessive of you. More than I should."

I kissed his forehead. "I'm all yours," I said quietly.

"I know. I just don't know that I like this feeling." He looked frustrated. I assumed it was directed inward and not toward me.

"Of possession?"

"It's more than that. It's the need to claim you – it's like I need to remind the world, you, and myself who you are with."

"Then claim me," I said standing up. I unfastened the dress and let it fall to my feet. I was scantily clad and he moved toward me instantly. His lips devoured mine as he pulled me against him a bit forcefully for my husband.

He immediately regretted his roughness and let go of me. He backed away and I could see the apology coming. I silenced him by embracing him and raising a leg up around his hip, my calf nudging his buttock. I licked his lips. "I'll take that bath, but you have to join me. I need you to scrub my back."

He trembled slightly under my touch and I heard him breathe my name.

I undid his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt. "I'm yours. Only ever yours. There will never be anyone else but you."

He picked me up and carried me into the bathroom. Turning the water on as he set me down, he then removed my last few items of clothing before discarding of his own. When the tub was full he again took me up into his arms then stepped into the warm water. He sat down with me in between his thighs and my back against his chest. Grabbing a washcloth and a bar of soap, Carlisle proceeded to clean every square inch of my body.

When I felt my back being covered with kisses and a soft purr coming from his throat I knew I was sufficiently clean. I took up the bar and the washcloth and shifted in the tub so I could see him. He was calmer than he had been, but I still saw that uncertainty in his eyes.

"Relax. It's my turn to clean you," I said as I began to work on him. He alternated between watching me and resting his head back on the edge of the tub. I did his legs below the water first before moving onto his arms and his chest. He had been erect since we were still clothed and when I lowered the washcloth over it, he whimpered as the fire returned to his expression. His head was no longer laying back, but instead he was sitting up with his hands at my waist. I was already straddling his legs. I just edged myself toward him and lifted my body up slightly to engulf him. He pulled me onto him with renewed urgency.

"I need you so much," he said as praise and begging my forgiveness at the same time.

"You have me, lover," I said as I grazed my teeth along his earlobe.

His movement was fast as he held my hips and eagerly bounced me up and down. The water sloshed in the tub and over the sides. I traced his cheekbones with my fingertips as I met his gaze. I loved him so much. This wasn't the ideal lovemaking situation, but it was what he needed. How many times had he given me what I needed? Enough that I was very happy to give into his current desire. I had a feeling it was going to be a long night of Carlisle asserting his manhood. Part of me knew it was silly for him to feel the way he did, but I also respected the animal inside. We were vampires. Predators. Carlisle didn't often like to think of himself in that way, but with me, when it came to his mate, he found himself at times to be territorial. I wasn't offended although he worried that I would be. I felt just the same at times. If "claiming me" was the solution he needed to make him feel secure then I would never deny him. I would go willingly into his embrace every time.

He released before I could. In the water at that angle I couldn't get the leverage I needed. His head rested against my collarbone as he recovered. My wet fingers soothingly stroked through his fair hair, separating the strands and darkening the color. I heard that familiar purr sound emitting from his chest as his body relaxed more against my chest.

The water had cooled enough that it was time to get out. He lifted me out of the tub and wrapped a towel around me then himself before taking my hand and leading me back into the bedroom.

"I'm not done with you yet," he said.

"I hope not," I whispered.

He again moved swiftly as he tossed me onto the bed, pulling away my towel and removing the one at his waist.

"Now it's time to worship you," he said as he hungrily looked me over.

There was a difference between rough and violence. If Carlisle pulled me to him tightly or grabbed me a little hard, I knew his intent was never to hurt me. It was eagerness that caused it and I was just as guilty. I reached up and pulled him down over me. He gently pushed my hands aside and rolled me over onto my stomach. His kisses picked up the trail they had been on earlier and snaked their way down my clean back.

"Much better," he murmured. His tongue ran over my flesh. "Tasty."

I giggled as it slightly tickled.

"I love that sound," he crooned he said as his fingers moved to my side and tickled me.

"Carlisle! Stop!" I cried out as I laughed.

His fingers were replaced with the palm of his hand gently gliding over my flesh. He continued worshipping my body. He touched every bit with his mouth or his fingers.

I lay there content and aroused and loved and knew I would never tire of this. With forever could come boredom, but this would never get old. I would never grow weary of his hands. He knew me so well, and knew how to tease me and thrill me.

Hours later we lay on the bed, our bodies turned in toward each other. The bedding was tossed aside and my gown still in a pile on the floor. His face was buried in the crook of my neck, a finger twirling a lock of my hair.

"Do you feel better now?" I asked.

"Much better," Carlisle practically purred.

"You don't have to apologize ever for needing me like this," I said as I flicked my fingers over his upturned hip.

"It doesn't feel particularly romantic to tell my wife that she smells bad," he admitted with remorse.

"We took care of it."

"I just don't want to be too forceful with you ever."

"I can fight back, Carlisle. If you ever did something that truly offended or hurt me you would know it. You listen when I say 'no' or 'stop.' When I said 'stop' when you were tickling me you did and turned it into a gentle caress. Those are words that I rarely have to use in here," I assured him.

He pulled me closer to him and I felt his lips against my neck near my ear.

"I'm yours and your mine," I continued. "We have ten years of lovemaking behind us and you have to realize by now that I won't run from you. Yes, there are moments when the ghosts pop up, but it's been a while."

"Six months isn't that long. When you have six years maybe I'll be less guarded and feel less guilty."

"Just be you. No regrets. That's all I ever wanted from you, Carlisle," I said running my hand over his hair. "If you hurt me I promise to throw you through the wall, but I highly doubt that will ever be necessary."

He chuckled and kissed my throat. "Please do. Women should not be made to suffer."

"No one should be made to suffer, especially at the hands of someone they swear to honor always."

"Why do our conversations so often seem to go this way?" he asked thoughtfully.

I was silent as I pondered an answer.

My words were soft as I spoke. "I think because deep down inside I need the reassurance. It's not anything that you have ever done. It's the ghosts manifesting in a different way inside my mind. It's deep seated fears. It craves to hear the chivalrous words of protection and needs to question mankind's cruelty. I unintentionally loop back to this conversation where I recommit to tossing you through a wall and your need to promise to protect me. I know it's ridiculous. I know the words don't need to be said, but yet they keep coming to our lips."

He met my gaze before placing a gentle kiss on my forehead then returned his eyes to mine.

"You give so much of yourself. You give me what I need. What I desire. What I adore. If reassurance is what you need then I will give it to you, but always with the hope that someday you won't need it. That will be when your heart and your mind are completely assured of several things: I love you completely and unconditionally and will never take a violent or hurtful action against you; also that I will always agree with you that the cruelty of certain people is unforgivable and wrong; and finally that I will step in when I can to stop cruelties from occurring with the caveat that I will never risk danger or exposure of you or Edward in the process and that if it came down to you or them, I will always choose you, my love."

He pulled me tightly against him and held me there before speaking again.

"Although I wasn't being fair before. Our conversations going this way are often influenced by something else directly or indirectly. Could your upsetting conversation with Edward have triggered this?"

"Possibly. He told me a story about a man he killed who was abusive to his wife and children. It upset and worried me. We'll never know what happened to that widow and her children. Were they better off without him or did they become destitute?"

He attempted to comfort me. "We'll never know. You can't dwell on it, Esme. I find that when Edward tells me stories about the lives he took it seems that he is looking for absolution that I can't give. Sometimes I feel like listening is all he wants. He needs to unburden himself and he has no one to talk to but you and me."

"It must be difficult for him. We have each other and by the time he came back our bond had grown even stronger."

"Yes, but he's happy for us," Carlisle insisted, as if that changed anything. "He has told me that over and over again without any sort of prompting."

"He's not the same young man who left us," I argued. "There are still shades of him, but he's changed."

"I know. Deep down he's still Edward, but when a man has a conscience conscious as Edward does, that much death, no matter how evil the people were he ended, has an effect on a person."

"What can I do to help him?"

"Be the ear or the shoulder that he needs. Don't judge him too harshly," he said soothingly.

I nodded. "I'll keep trying."

"That's all you can do, Esme," he said. "Be there to remind him that he's not alone."

"As long as we exist he never has to spend this life alone and he knows that," I confirmed.

He kissed my cheek. "He does, but just as you need your reassurance he needs his."

I grimaced slightly with the recognition of my own fault in my son. I snuggled against Carlisle, wanting to enjoy the time we had before the sun rose high in the sky and it became unseemly for us to still be in bed.

"Can I reassure you how much I love and adore you?" I asked with a kiss on the scar at his throat.

"Please reassure me at your leisure, Mrs. Cullen."

I pushed him over onto his back and looked down at him. He was in no way attempting to hide his elation.

"I'll start at the top and reassure all the way down to the bottom." I twisted my fingers in his hair as I straddled his stomach and began my journey at his forehead.

* * *

**Author's Note**

**I'd like to officially welcome Rosalie Hale to the "The Esme Chronicles." Yes, contact was peripheral so far, but as you can imagine Esme's world is about to be rocked. I hope you are excited to see what happens next. **

**FYI, Dr. George H. Whipple will go on to win the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1934. **

**Thank you to December LeNoir for pre-reading, and sweetishbubble and batgirll8968 for their beta work.**

**I published a new one-shot called "Self Portrait" that I hope you will take a look at if you haven't already. It is a bit of a flash forward for "The Esme Chronicles" of activities that will take place in the 1960's. Summary:** ******Esme leaves her family to go to Paris for an internship. A flirty colleague is intent on getting Esme into bed, but she is determined to stay true to her husband in this city where passion rules. Will she find her release through her art or will she give into this handsome Parisian?**

**Thank you for reading and thank you for the reviews! I know many of you were glad for Edward's return in the last chapter and I appreciate that you took the time to let me know.**


	24. Broken

_Rochester, New York  
April 1933_

Blood. It's a life force. It runs through so many creatures' veins and when it stops flowing they cease to exist. For our kind it was our life force as well, but while it gave us sustenance it always destroyed a life in the process. It was a vicious cycle of death. Carlisle, Edward, and I compensated by taking the lives of animals instead of humans and in that way were we any worse than humans who ate the meat of cows, pigs, lambs and the like? Animals drained dry to fill their bellies; the difference was that they were less likely to have to meet the animal's eyes before they ate it.

We kept ourselves filled and for Edward and I it was a constant battle to keep ourselves sated enough to resist the throbbing human heartbeats around us. We had to hold our breath at the sight of a cut or turn and walk away at the sight of an accident. Carlisle, on the other hand, would run toward the accident and help without a second thought. Edward and I, no matter how good we became at resisting, always knew that we were just a human taking a tumble and gashing a knee away from disaster.

Every day before he came home from work Carlisle conducted a thorough inspection of his person to make sure he wasn't bringing home any of his work on him. He, of course, was sympathetic to our struggle. He wanted to ensure that we were always comfortable in our own home – that it was the one place where we didn't have to hide and we could be ourselves.

The scent caught in the unseasonably cold crisp air when Edward and I were just a few blocks from home. It hit us both at the same time immediately ending our conversation over the positive and negative attributes of Fay Wray as a leading lady after seeing her that night in her third movie of the year.

We looked at each other through the lightly falling snow and Edward pulled my arm tighter into his. "Let's get home," he said and we picked up the pace. It was late as the movie had been a double feature and few souls were still awake let alone out and about.

I hoped that as we got closer to home we would be getting away from the scent, but as Edward opened our gate a look of absolute horror, far worse than anything Fay Wray emoted in the hand of that giant gorilla, marred his beautiful face.

"Edward? What is…?" The scent was _here_. It was strong. It was at our home. _Carlisle! _What had happened? Something was terribly wrong.

"Esme! Wait!"

I was through the front door and Edward was at my back. The home in Rochester was fit for a doctor, but wasn't grandiose. With one passing glance over the first floor I knew he wasn't down there. My eyes fell on the drops of blood on the runner going up the stairs. I flew up the stairs into the dark hallway. The only light was coming from our cracked open bedroom door.

Edward was beside me as we pushed the door open and I was met with a sight that even my vampire brain couldn't fathom at first. What was happening here?

On our bed lay a disaster. It was a scene of violence. It was appalling. It was obscene.

The remains of a young woman lay on top of the comforter and pillows I had so selectively purchased for our marital oasis. Her clothes were tattered and bloody. These weren't the clothes of a beggar who time and filth had caused to deteriorate. They were fine materials akin to what I would purchase for myself. There were welts wherever I could see her flesh and her blonde hair was matted with blood and dirt. I could hear her heart thumping in her chest. Then my eyes studied the face of this stranger and I knew her. _I knew her! _The woman hailed in society as the most beautiful young lady in all of Rochester, New York; the fiancée of the wealthy young Royce King; Miss Rosalie Hale.

I knew my life was too perfect. My happiness too great. At times I wondered how fate could have allowed me to fall off a cliff and land in Carlisle's arms. Of all the millions of women who had moved through this world during his existence, what made me so special that I deserved him? Maybe it was just an experiment of fate that I conveniently came along so soon after Edward so he changed me too. All I knew in that moment was that he had found a woman more beautiful than I could ever be. As a vampire she would make me look plain and unappealing. _I was being replaced._

Edward's arm wrapped around me and pulled my back against him. "This has _nothing_ to do with you," he hissed in my ear.

I looked at Carlisle. He hadn't moved from the chair he had pulled up alongside the bed. His head and shoulders were bowed. His elbows rested on his thighs while his hands clasped one of hers. He looked defeated and broken. I was torn between my yearning to comfort him and my desire to rage at him. _How could he do this to me? To us?_

"I found her in street. She had been beaten and raped and left for dead." Carlisle's voice was hollow. "I tried to help her, but her injuries were too severe. I wouldn't be able to save her life. I couldn't leave her there. She was so beautiful and young and had so much before her. It seemed like she could have so much to live for. It was too much waste to let her go. It was a split second decision."

And then the scream filled the room. Somewhere inside her the venom had spread enough that she had some level of consciousness and a cry of pain rattled her battered body. I stared at her arm and watched a bruise fade away before my eyes.

"Kill me! _Please!_ Kill me!" she cried out. Her striking blue eyes were open now, wide and pained and pleading at me and Edward. She gasped for air. "I'm on fire! Please! Put it out! Make it stop! Make it stop!" She sobbed. Tears were still able to fall from her nearly violet colored eyes_. How soon would it be until they stopped falling forever? _

I pitied her. I knew the pain that she felt. The fire of the change was unforgettable. Nothing that Charles had ever done to me or even the pain of childbirth compared to the hell I thought I was burning in when I was going through the transformation. I longed for an end to it and feared that I was in it for eternity. She was conscious and knew her complete destruction, death, would be the only release from the agony that hurt her more than whatever else happened to her that night.

"What were you thinking, Carlisle?" Edward growled. "Rosalie Hale?"

Carlisle's hand tightened its grip on her as she whimpered, her body writhing with the slow torture making its way through her veins.

"I couldn't just let her die. It was too much – too horrible, too much waste."

There was a subtle pause as Carlisle's mind gave way to something that was left unspoken. Edward's hand squeezed my shoulder. "I know," he said quickly to Carlisle.

"It was too much waste. I couldn't leave her," Carlisle whispered, his eyes moving up to her frightened and anguished face.

I felt grief weighing me down and reminded myself that all I had ever wanted was his happiness even at the sacrifice of my own. "Of course you couldn't," I surprisingly heard myself say.

"People die all the time." Edward's voice was hard. "Don't you think she's just a little recognizable, though? The Kings will have to put on a huge search – not that anyone suspects the fiend."

For the first time since I had entered the room I tore my eyes away from the scene in front of me to look at Edward. _He did this to her? Her fiancée? Royce King?_

He nodded once with a look of repulsion on his face. "And others," he whispered.

My hand flew to my mouth. Edward had warned me that his thoughts were less than gentlemanly, but I shooed him off. I didn't want to know about the man's indiscretion. Maybe I could have done something that would have saved her from this horrible fate.

Edward grabbed my chin and made meet his eyes. He slowly shook his head "No," as his eyes told me it wasn't my fault. I went to look away, but he pulled me back into to reaffirm the "no."

He was right. I couldn't have known this girl's fate, and an unmarried man's private impure thoughts were not enough to act upon. I nodded my understanding and he kissed my forehead.

I stepped out of Edward's reach and left the room. The scent of the blood was too strong. The visual was too much. The new thoughts racing through my mind were overwhelming.

I walked across the hall to my office and leaned against the door frame as I flicked on the light switch. Slowly I moved forward into the room and removed my coat and hat that were still damp from the snow. My eyes closed and I took a deep cleansing breath. _She hasn't done anything wrong. She's a victim. She needs your compassion. _

I crossed to the bathroom and turned on the hot water as it would take a few minutes for it to get warm. I retrieved the basin from under the sink and a new bar of soap, washcloths and towels from the closet. With the filled basin in hand I returned to the room that had been ours, but currently felt undefined with this tragically beautiful girl on our bed. I placed the items on the nightstand by Carlisle and moved to the closet to see if I could find something that might fit her. She had several inches on me. A pair of pants I wore to hunt, a blouse that might fit over her ample bosom, two dresses and a skirt were placed in a pile. I had two nightgowns and I was not giving her the one I wore on my wedding night. I grabbed the other one and my robe, which I knew might be the only thing that fit her. I opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of underwear I had not yet worn. I threw them on top of the pile, carried the load back out into the room and put it down on the chair in the corner.

"Carlisle, we should get her cleaned up. She's been through so much…" I turned and saw that he had already picked up a washcloth and was gently stroking it over the arm closest to him.

_Edward, for her modesty you should go, _I thought while I gestured to the door with my hand.

"I'll be in the hall," he said as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

I couldn't meet Carlisle's eyes. "We should undress her. These clothes reek and the smell will only get stronger for her." The easiest way to remove her soiled clothes would have been to rip them, but I knew the sound of ripping fabric in a fit of violence and I was sure it would ring in her ears.

She flailed on the bed and her eyes shot open again. Their hue wasn't as blue. They were darker purple. She pleaded with her eyes.

"Miss Hale, I'm Esme Cullen. I know you are in excruciating pain. I can't make it go way, but I can promise you that it won't last forever. It eventually will subside completely. You have been through a horrific ordeal tonight and I would like to help you get cleaned up. This is Dr. Cullen…"

"She knows who I am. I explained to her what's happening to her."

"You know then that he's a doctor and he will not harm you or act inappropriately. He'll be completely professional."

She gritted her teeth and bobbed her head before squeezing her eyes closed again.

I began to remove her spoiled wardrobe. What was left of it was draped over her. Every button had been wretched apart. Seams had been torn. I held my breath as my fingers worked over the bloody material. There was bruising that still needed to heal on her chest and torso. I started to lift her skirt to remove her shoes but stopped at the sight of the blood flow that smeared her ripped stockings.

_Edward, please run a bath._ I heard the water start running in the tub a moment later.

I took off her shoes and left her bottom half clothed while I wrapped a towel around her top half. I lifted the simpering woman in my arms and said coldly to Carlisle, "Burn it all. I'll place the rest of it in the hall after I get her situated."

Edward opened the door from the outside, his head turned away as I passed.

Once inside the bathroom with the door shut, I set her down on the ground and slowly finished undressing her. In a way I was glad that she was distracted by the pain of her transformation, which overshadowed any pain from the brutality that had ravaged her womanhood. The men who did this had to have set upon to destroy this poor girl. I wasn't a person of faith or belief, but if there was a higher power in that moment I asked for her to heal.

She kept her eyes closed. I didn't know if she was squeezing them tight out of pain or if she was trying to shut me out.

I turned off the water and put her into the tub. She didn't resist or even move as I moved to cleanse the filth from her body. As I scrubbed her fingers I could see from her nails that she had clawed at them, trying to defend herself. I tried to be a gentle as possible but also thorough. She cried the whole time. _This poor trampled flower…_

_Edward can you please have Carlisle bring the nightgown, robe and underwear that are in the pile?_

The knock on the door made her flinch. I opened the door a tad and kicked the dirty clothes out while taking the new ones from Carlisle's disembodied hand. I could smell the fire burning in the fireplace downstairs.

I got her out and of the tub, dried her off and dressed her. Her body was like dead weight although no problem for me. I was relieved that the clothing fit.

Carlisle stood as I entered the bedroom with her in my arms. The linens had been completely changed. I put her back in our bed and she shrieked. He took the same seat beside her and picked up her hand again. "I'm sorry," he whispered to her.

I went to the closet to retrieve my own change of clothing and swiftly retreated out the door to my study again. I quickly changed and went downstairs to burn my outfit. Edward was waiting for me in the living room.

"This isn't about you, Esme," he stated once again.

"No, it's about her," I hissed.

"He's not in love with her."

"Yet. She's going to be glorious once she is transformed."

"It doesn't matter," he said, his voice rising. "She's not _you_! Rosalie Hale is not Esme Cullen. She may be the most attractive woman to ever walk this earth, but Carlisle only has eyes for you. You are his wife and _you _are beautiful. He's distraught and right now I think he is a goddamn fool for bringing her here and for doing this to her, but his heart hasn't gone anywhere. It belongs to you."

I sat down on the sofa. It was all too much.

I felt the cushion lift ever so slightly as he took the seat beside me. He slid his arm around me and both our heads turned upward at the sound of agony from above.

"He's telling her everything," Edward spoke quietly.

"Can she comprehend? Does she understand?" I asked, my voice strained.

"Somewhat. The pain is overwhelming her at times, but she is finding it hard to not listen. She's scared and desperate. She was grateful to you for washing her."

"She cried the whole time," I mumbled

"Wouldn't you? She had already been fatally traumatized tonight and now her body is going through the worst trauma any human can experience. I hope she forgets what happened to her. I hope it erases from her mind."

"It won't. When you have been through something so horrid…when your body has been so completely violated no matter how much you wish to forget, those memories are the strongest. "

"I'm sorry, Esme. The images of what they did to her are brutal and she keeps replaying them like she doesn't want to let them go."

"'They?'"

He looked so grave. "It wasn't just Royce. He had four drunken friends with him."

I knew I couldn't physically become ill, but I felt something akin to nausea wash over me. I remembered how helpless I felt. How any attempt to fight him off was pointless. He was stronger and bigger and when he was determined to have his way with me there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was torture and that was one man making me feel completely helpless. One. Against five men with adrenaline and testosterone, even with her statuesque height, she stood no chance at all. It explained why her body was so grotesque. I couldn't suppress the memory of the damage I saw when I removed her skirt.

I was angry…furious even. How could this have happened to her? Why? I remembered the announcement in the paper. They were marrying soon. Why would Royce King destroy her? Who else would he destroy? Was he that certain that she was dead when he left the woman he was supposed to make his bride next week broken in the street? He knew that she would not survive to accuse him. He and his friends mutilated her and killed her. For what? Would death have been better for her? The mental anguish she would have to live with would be terrible. I knew of its horrors, but I had Carlisle to help me through it...

I was furious at Carlisle, too. I understood his compassion. I loved him for it, but he brought this stranger into our lives for what? Why her? What was the attraction? Why was he so compelled to bring her into our lives for eternity? Edward's words of assurance held little value. She would be beautiful, elegant, and I was sure she was bright. She was younger than me by quite a few years. She would be glorious and in need of his help and guidance and I would just be Esme.

I wasn't angry at her though. I felt so sorry for her. Her life and the future she thought would come with it had been robbed from her. Would she have rather died than face the fate before her? For all the endless possibilities this life gave us it was also limiting. It was a blessing and a curse. I woke up to a dream come true. What will she have? She doesn't know us and the one near encounter that we had with her proved that she didn't care for us from afar. Of course my dream may be turning into a nightmare at that very moment and maybe he'll be her dream come true.

I heard her cries through the floorboards and drifting down the stairs.

I could understand Carlisle's reasoning for changing Edward at Elizabeth Masen's urging. I could understand him changing me, a face he knew, conversed with and treated as a patient. This made no sense at all. Too much waste? Waste of what? Her beauty? Her youth? How many patients had he lost before of similar stature? Why her?

Edward rubbed my arm. "I'm furious at him too and the whole situation. His head is focused on her, but not the why. We're going to have to leave here soon. She's too recognizable. We're going to have to get far away from Rochester. She's probably missed already."

"I'm sure her mother is wondering why her daughter hasn't come home. She's hoping she fell asleep somewhere or is with a friend or with her fiancée. Anywhere but dead in a ditch, but she is dead. She will never see her daughter ever again."

I had walked away from my family. I had abandoned them for the sake of my child – to protect my unborn baby. She had no choice in this at all. She would never be able to see her mother and father again. They weren't deceased like Mr. and Mrs. Masen or let go of like my parents. They were alive and living somewhere within this city and worried about their daughter.

I could hear Carlisle speaking to her. He was explaining what was happening and what she would become. The word "sorry" kept appearing in his speech. If he had to apologize that much then why did he do it? I don't remember that man being sorry with me.

"He said it quite often with you, too. Even though she is bad shape, she was only dying. You should have been dead. You didn't even come around completely until the change was finished. He explained it all to you, but you couldn't hear. You were trapped in your body and your head. You would scream at times, but you thought you were in hell. He apologized every single time you screamed and inside his head, his thoughts were begging that you would forgive him for what he had done. He is asking for forgiveness now. He's…" he trailed off. I looked at his face as he searched or maybe he was focusing on Carlisle's thoughts.

"He's what?"

"…hiding something," he said slowly.

"He is in love with her…"

"Esme, stop letting your mind wander there. It's not true."

I felt even more doubtful. Carlisle rarely hid anything from Edward.

"So what do we do?" I asked with a sad sigh.

"We wait."

* * *

The next day was gloriously overcast after the snow. By 9:30 a.m. I was out the door on my way to Sibley's department store. She would need lots of clothes.

It has been a grueling night. Edward sat with me in the living room as we listened to the cries and screams and Carlisle's lessons and pleas for forgiveness coming from above. Edward practically pushed me out the door.

"The transformation probably won't be complete until at least tomorrow, but I'll stay just in case. We're going to have our hands full with a newborn vampire very soon. As mad as I am at him, I won't leave him alone with her. Take the car."

Behind the wheel of the Packard, I made my way through the streets with my hat low and my coat pulled up high. It was still cold and few people were out for a Saturday morning in April. I hoped that I would make it through my outing without running into a colleague of Carlisle's or one of their wives.

I parked the car and ducked into the store on Main Street and passed the counters of cosmetics, handbags and jewelry to access the stairs to the second floor. Once there I systematically made my way through the departments picking out clothes that would fit her and would be appropriate for her newborn stage. I also tried to find things that were somewhat fashionable for a lady of her age and stature. I was sure Miss Hale was a fashionable creature and the last thing I wanted was to garner ill will for a mousy dress.

I stockpiled pants and shirts and several dresses. I moved on to coats and sweaters then sensible shoes, a pair of boots and one pretty pair of heels. I went up a flight and picked out undergarments. What would she want? She was young. Would she want something on the frilly side – pretty and perky? Would she want something plain and dull after the attack on her? Maybe she wouldn't want to wear something that would be alluring to the opposite sex. Although undergarments had changed through the years, there had always been some with a little lace or frill that made it more attractive than just a necessity. I was never drawn to those until I had Carlisle in my life. Even before we were engaged I found myself choosing the prettier ones. I didn't know if he would ever see them, but knowing that I was wearing them made me more confident.

I picked out all plain ones and handed them to the girl helping me, satisfied in my choice, but as I passed a display of nicer lingerie on the way to the counter I relented. I picked up a few attractive brassieres and underwear to add to the pile.

After I paid, I returned to the street level. It was much busier than it had been when I entered. I picked up hosiery, sunglasses, gloves, belts and hats. I slipped out a side door onto Clinton Avenue. I was carrying what I knew was too many bags for a woman my size. I had to pretend to struggle a little with the load. No one was chivalrous enough to help me. I loaded up the car and took my place behind the wheel. When I was a few blocks away, I turned left instead of right towards home. I wasn't ready to go back and face what was happening there.

I turned again and again, taking a path away from the university. I drove and drove until I spotted an area that I could pull off overlooking the Genesee River. I turned off the car and sat there staring at the flowing river in front of me. The water would never flow from me, but at that moment the floodgate of emotions opened and I sobbed. I had never felt such despair in this life and I let it pour out of me.

An hour went by and I knew I had to get back to my house of horrors.

Edward wasn't on the first floor when I carried the shopping bags into the living room. I stopped and listened. It sounded like Edward and Carlisle were wrapping up a conversation. I wondered if my return ended their talk.

"What are we going to do with her?" I heard Edward ask, the concern and worry present in his voice.

Carlisle sighed. "That's up to her, of course. She may want to go her own way."

"Not at first. She's too frightened to be alone. "

"I will impart upon her everything that I know about this existence."

"It's more than an existence, Carlisle. It's a life. A life you created. Don't let that slip your mind."

"I know what I have done."

"No, you can't even begin to understand what you have done. Your _wife_ just arrived home. I'm going downstairs to see her. Maybe your mind should stop screaming to the heavens for penance and start thinking about Esme's feelings and the explanation she deserves."

A moment later Edward entered the living room. I threw my arms around him and whispered, "Thank you."

Edward comforted me in his arms and said, "You have vowed to me repeatedly that you would be whatever I needed you to be. Today I return the favor."

* * *

The end was near by late afternoon the next day. Her bruises had melted away and Edward said that the rhythm of her heart indicated that it was it was attempting to pump the venom and blood. Soon the venom would win and freeze her heart forever in silence.

I still felt completely discomforted by this scenario that I could have never foreseen.

I had clothes laid out for her. I knew it may take several attempts and destroyed garments before she was dressed.

Carlisle stayed by her side, still holding her hand as her heart slowed.

Edward held my hand as we stayed several feet away from the end of the bed, ready to jump into action if she tried to flee, or worse, attack.

Her heart faltered, but then beat. It did the same thing of falter then beat. I anticipated another beat, but was met with silence.

"Miss Hale," Carlisle said gently.

I could see her open her eyes. She sat up and without a glance in Carlisle's direction her eyes met mine. They were deep red and she was heartbreakingly beautiful and I felt alone.

* * *

_**Author's Note**_

**What do you think of Esme's reaction to Rosalie so far? Please review and share your thoughts!**

**Thank you for your reviews! I loved reading your reactions to Royce's appearance in the last chapter.**

**Thank you to my pre-reader, December LeNoir, and my betas,** **sweetishbubble and batgirll8968.**


	25. Infant

I had sunk back into the corner, attempting to hide in the shadows as Carlisle began to explain again to the stunning young creature who we were and what she had become. There was fear and confusion, but also what appeared to be a bit of defiance in her blood red eyes as she listened.

Her eyes kept flickering to me and Edward, but always returned to Carlisle. I finally looked away. I couldn't watch the scene unfolding before me any longer.

"She's thirsty, Carlisle," Edward finally interrupted. All eyes turned to him as he mumbled, "I don't know why you always forget about that."

"So thirsty," Miss Hale spoke, her voice ringing out followed by a hard swallow trying to moisten the dry burn.

"Of course you are," Carlisle said, his voice gentle and filled with understanding. "Esme, can you please assist Miss Hale with getting changed?"

There was a petulant child brewing inside of me that wanted to storm out of the room, but I made the foolish mistake of looking at the woman. She was looking at me with curiosity and trepidation, but also there was pleading behind her scarlet eyes. She was so expressive, but it could have been the raging emotions of her newborn state.

I nodded my consent as Edward made his move to exit followed by Carlisle. I heard the door click closed, and I was left alone with her.

I walked over to where I laid out clothing for her as I spoke in a businesslike manner. "My husband hasn't quite articulated to you yet the consequences that come with your new speed and strength. Until you learn to manage it you will find that the simplest tasks can result in destruction. Trying to open a door, pick up a shirt, button a dress or tie a bow can end disastrously before you realize that the move has been made. With time and practice you'll be able to do all of these things effortlessly, but for now I should help you dress, Miss Hale, or you'll quickly make the clothes before you into a pile of rags."

Her eyes were wide when I looked over at her, and I felt my heart melt. She had been through so much and was overwhelmed by the newness of this life. She deserved my compassion. I moved toward her and stretched out my hand for hers. "Come, Miss Hale. Let me help you."

She looked at my hand as if it would bite her. She studied it, but didn't move to take it. "I'm fine," came rushing off her lips. In an instant she was across the room to the clothing and as I heard the sound of fabric ripping I heard a gasp and a cry of shock.

The buttons had crushed and the material had shredded beneath her fingers as she tried to remove the nightgown I had dressed her in. Her eyes flew from the tattered clothes, to the clothing waiting for her, to me and back several times.

"Let me help you," I repeated.

"I don't need help," she rushed out and I could see in her expression her mind reeling at the sound of her own voice.

I tried again. "Miss Hale, I have been in your place. I know it is frightening and confusing. You feel and see and hear so much. Everything is different. Carlisle and Edward helped me and I want to help you. They will help you too. You will feel some relief after you hunt. You can go in your nightgown, but I think you will feel more comfortable venturing out in something else."

"Teach me," she insisted, slowly and deliberately dropping the ruined buttons on the dresser.

"It will be easier after you feed. It will help clear your mind. Right now you are driven by your thirst."

"You said you want to help me, Mrs. Cullen. The way you can help me is by teaching me how to undress myself and dress myself so I can stop feeling like I have been reduced to a child," she said as she crossed her arms across her chest.

I paused. If there was any type of true threat from her then Edward would be through the door immediately. I didn't hear any movement outside the room.

I picked up a pillow and removed its case then folded it before turning back to her. "Pretend I'm handing you a folded piece of tissue. It is light, delicate and to unfold it you have to gently and carefully pull it apart." I set it down in front of her and gestured to it. "Give it a try."

After five attempts that resulted in her fingers going through the material five times, she dropped it back on the dresser. She swallowed again, her eyes squeezing shut.

"Please, help me," she said, attempting to slow down her speech.

I approached her slowly, not wanting to startle her. I reached out to the buttons that remained. I tried to be considerate of her modesty as I helped her out of one wardrobe and into another. When finished she was dressed much more appropriately for her first hunt than I was on my first go around. I had little doubt that the smart pants, blouse and jacket soon would be ruined beyond repair.

I saw her glance across the room toward the mirror. It wasn't facing her direction. I took her hand.

"You look different," I advised her. "Any blemish or injury is gone. Your features are more defined. And your eyes…"

"Are like yours," she stated, trying to get ahead of me.

"Not yet."

"They're crimson," she said cutting me off before I could remind her what Carlisle had told her about newborns just a few moments before.

She was in front of the mirror in an instant. She was aghast at first, but as she studied her features her lips closed and turned up into a wicked grin as a haughty laugh burst from her.

"What's so funny, Miss Hale?" I asked cautiously.

"Nothing. Nothing," she said dismissively as she waved me off and ran her hands lightly through her hair. "Thank you for the clothes and your help," she said sweetly as she turned to me.

_Had my mood swings been so erratic as a newborn?_ It took me just a moment to remember, that yes, they had been.

"We should go," I said striding to the door. She flew past me and down the stairs to where Edward and Carlisle were waiting.

Carlisle blocked the door and reminded her, "There are humans about and their scent will intoxicate you. Every urge will be to fall upon one and take their life for your own. You will want it like you have never wanted anything in your life. I urge you to resist. While most of our kind lives off the lives of humans, in this home we do not. We can survive without taking human life. We live off the blood of animals. We will head west out of town on foot. You may or may not have realized by now that you do not need to breathe. You can hold your breath the whole journey."

"But how will I kill an animal?" she asked with reservation.

"In this life you will find that you have incredible instincts that will make hunting and slaughtering your prey an almost mindless task," Edward interjected.

"Edward, that's almost oversimplifying things," I added.

"Can we go, then?" Rosalie asked impatiently.

"Yes, of course, but stay close and let us lead the way," Carlisle said.

I grabbed a coat from closet and joined the hunting party. I watched Carlisle touch Rosalie's arm to guide her, but she pulled away.

"Miss Hale," I said moving past Carlisle to her side. "While we don't need to breathe, it will be a bit uncomfortable to hold your breath. Take a big gasp of air in and if you have any feelings of panic or alarm along the way just grab my arm and I'll help you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Cullen," she said stoically, but her eyes showed her gratitude.

She took a big gulp of air and squeezed her mouth shut then dove out into the night. As we went to tear after her, Carlisle grabbed my arm. I turned to him and saw gratitude in his eyes. "I love you," he said then took off.

_But was it enough anymore?_

* * *

_Three days later_

"I'll keep an eye on the infant," Edward growled. "The two of you take a walk and talk things over."

"I'm not an infant!" Rosalie screamed.

"Then don't yell like you are having a tantrum!" Edward retorted.

"Infants are usually too young for tantrums. Toddlers have tantrums," Carlisle responded with a matter of fact tone.

"Carlisle, that's not helping," I said looking over at the sullen woman.

"Go! Talk! Behind my back! I can't help it that I can hear so well. You made me this way," she said with an accusing look at Carlisle. "And you made the mind reader too."

Carlisle looked at Edward in surprise, but Edward quickly defended himself. "She's not making sense. She's just throwing words."

"You didn't choose this either," she spat out.

I had had enough. "And neither did he," I said gesturing toward my husband. "And neither did I. We have chosen not to wallow in misery and instead take control of our lives. We have taken actions to make the most of our situations. Now, young lady, calm down and think about how you can make this work for yourself because this life is what you have. Don't waste it," I found myself yelling. "Edward, watch her. Rosalie, we'll hunt when we get back. Carlisle, let's go!"

I stormed for the front door, picking up a purse, hat and jacket along the way. My husband was close behind me as we made our way out into the night air. Once we were several blocks away and out of Edward's range, I opened my mouth and hissed, "So this is what you wanted, Dr. Cullen? A young, beautiful, miserable child of a woman?"

"Esme, I remember another young female vampire who a few days after her transformation tried to bury herself in mud. She turned out very well," he said teasingly, but I was not in the mood for his amusement as I turned into a deserted park. I stopped when we were deep inside and no one had appeared.

"Since this is the first moment we have had completely alone together since you wrought this upon our home, I'll ask it now for I cannot take the torture anymore – do you want me to go?"

"Go? Go where?" he asked, sounding confused.

"To leave. I fear I'm only in the way." I tried to keep the trembling out of my voice, but a quiver in my tone was audible.

"The way of what? Esme, you're wonderful with her. She needs you."

"I would stay for you if you want me to help her through her newborn time, but if she begins to give you soft looks and feels for you what you feel for her then I will have to depart. I couldn't bear to watch your love blossom…" I turned away. Why had I even made the offer? I should go now, before I get in too deep.

Carlisle spun me around with a look of astonishment on his beautiful face. "Esme, darling, what do you think is happening here?"

"Why else would you change her?" My voice rang high and clear. "She's beautiful. More beautiful than I ever was or am ever going to be. Her beauty matches your own. She's younger than me – younger than you. She's sophisticated and educated and a born socialite – perfect for a doctor's wife. Perfect for you," I said weakly, choking back a sob.

"Perfect for Edward," he said quietly. He took my face in his gentle hands. "Esme, there's only one perfect woman for me and she's right here in front of me with her cheeks in my hands. I'm hurt that you would think I could throw us away so easily, but also deeply dismayed that you could think it even possible that I would. You are the other half of my soul. I have pledged my eternal devotion to you before God. You fill my days and nights with life. You are my wife and I love you with every part of my being…and I want Edward to know this feeling. I want him to know what it's like to be so completed be by another person."

"So you changed her with the intention of giving her to our son?" I asked, quite baffled by this new bit of information.

He frowned. "That's not quite how I would ever put it. At the moment I found her, it seemed wrong to let such a vibrant young woman go so wrongly. Yes, I'll admit for a moment a flash of Edward did cross my mind. It seemed that she could be a good match for him."

"Based on looks alone, Carlisle?" I asked in disbelief.

"Based on looks you thought I would throw over my wife! You who knows me best!" he exclaimed harshly.

"She's not Edward's type," I stated dismissively.

"We can't know that," he argued. "She's close to his age. She's all those things that you said before but apply them to Edward. She would be perfect for him."

"This is what you have been hiding," I said with sudden realization.

"What?" he asked with disbelief.

"Edward knows that you are hiding something…burying it in your mind. Suppressing it. How long do you intend to keep your intentions a secret?"

He shrugged. "I figured I would let it blossom on its own. I think we proved when left to our own devices we come together if meant to be."

"I think our memories may vary on that time, but you want me to withhold this from him?" This made me uncomfortable and I knew it would be hard to keep out of my head.

"I think it best."

I didn't, but considering the penance I owed for my original incorrect assumption, I would defer to Carlisle on this for the moment.

"What are we going to do?"

"We have to leave. We should have left immediately and that was my mistake. She's too recognizable. There are search parties out looking for her. Her family has issued a reward on information that leads to them finding her."

"Her poor family," I said as I thought about what her parents and siblings must be thinking and feeling. It may have been similar to how my family reacted when I disappeared 12 years before.

"My poor family," he said as he pulled me into his embrace. "I'm sorry that I put you in a position of doubting me. It grieves me that you have believed for nearly a week that I so wronged you."

"It's my own inadequacies that caused me to conjure up such foolish thoughts. I'm sorry for ever considering for a moment that your heart would stray."

"It belongs to you completely, Esme Cullen. You control it," he said as he took up my hand and pressed his lips to it.

"Thank you," I whispered. "And mine is yours."

"Thank you that with so much burdening you that you still have been helping Rosalie," he added sincerely.

"I am not without compassion."

"That is true. She's been through so much at the hands of men. She needs a woman's touch."

"She is angry," I noted.

"She told you that?" Carlisle sounded surprised as he questioned me.

"No, but I see it in her eyes," I said as I remembered the many emotions that I saw in her face. "She has lost so much and probably more than we can begin to comprehend. Maybe she can begin the healing process once we leave Rochester."

"Another reason to go soon," he said.

"I'll set upon packing straight away," I stated.

"And I'll have to give my notice immediately and find a new position. If worse comes to worse we can go to the cabin."

I nodded my agreement. "Farewell to Rochester."

"Indeed. For now, darling, can we keep my matchmaking a secret?" he teased, but I knew he was serious.

"You are really asking me to hide this from Edward."

"For now," he said pulling me close as we began to stroll back toward home.

"I'll try," I said with a sigh.

He kissed the top of my head. "I love you always, Esme."

* * *

_The Next Day_

"What are you doing?" Rosalie asked in alarm as I stood in the kitchen packing up the never-used china.

"We are leaving Rochester. It will be easier for you to not live in such close proximity to humans and we can't risk you being seen," I said gently so as not to upset her further.

"No! We can't leave yet," she asserted.

"Rosalie, it will be easier on you once we're gone." I attempted to explain. "There's nothing to remain here for. As Carlisle explained to you, you can't see your friends or family ever again."

"I know. I heard. My parents and my siblings are cursed to never know what happened to me." She was bitter.

"I wish you wouldn't phrase it that way."

"I am cursed. I am damned. But I heard what you said about taking action to make the best of our situation and to take action I need to stay in Rochester a bit longer," she said in a charming tone.

"What action do you want to take that has to occur in Rochester?" I asked cautiously. Her gentleness felt forced.

A poisonous grin marred her mouth as she stated, "Revenge."

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**Thank you for your notes and your patience with me. Since I last published a chapter I changed jobs for the better, moved residences, worked on my thesis, was very busy covering the last film in "The Twilight Saga" for Page to Premiere, and so much more. 2012 had its challenges, but I'm hoping as we kickoff 2013 I can get back to more regular updates.**

**Thank you to my betas, Ali and Heather, for sticking with me and their incredible support.**


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